omaewokorosu | #recent

MY FIRST DOSE OF T

tools of the trade:
1.) One (1) disposable glove, for application purposes
2.) One (1) bottle of testosterone gel
3.) One (1) bottle of lotion
4.) One (1) canister to dispose of the glove in

One pump gives out so much (in my opinion) but I guess it also makes sense since it's supposed to be enough to slather your shoulder AND upper arm with so (plus it literally says in the directions to slowly press down on the pump all the way so). Especially since it's alcohol based gel (think hand sanitiser) which dries super quick so. It makes sense. This shit REEKS of rubbing alcohol lmao and is super fucking drying. My friend Noah called it "mangator skin" XD because it feels super fucking rough.

All I'm noticing so far is being itchy like. Everywhere. and my throat won't fucking cooperate no matter what I do. But outside of that nothing that I can discern. I was told that my throat getting scratchy and tight feeling is a sign of puberty lmao mostly the first week of T is just sweating a lot and smelling like a teenage boy and eating everything and still wanting more food so rip our food bill....

But yeah! First day of T!

Specifically, health insurance but "everything" is also a perfectly valid option.

I got my prior authorisation (PA) approved to start taking T.

great, wonderful news! nearly cried!

they suggested I talk to my pharmacy so that they knew the PA was approved and could dispense my script if there was any kind of hesitation.

WELL. the pharmacist wanted to do so, but United Healthcare was like, "lol no." Because the amount (in terms of quantity) was "too much". After all, what if I go out into downtown Elmira and start selling globs of testosterone laced gel on wax paper to people and still have enough for myself???

(Yes, androgens are a controlled substance in the US, on par with ADHD medications, because people use them to get Hulking Swole so they can benchpress a cruise ship [at the expense of their testicles].)

I just wanna be a guy ffs but everything is fucking stupid this country is fucking stupid this WORLD is fucking stupid—

ANYWAY the pharmacist I am guessing read whoever at the insurance company the riot act like "listen here you little shit" because I got the notification that my script is ready for pickup and it'll be $15 please and thank you.

I WILL BE ABLE TO START T TOMORROW.

My wife has nicknamed my T-gel "Li Shang" because it's going to make a man out of me and who else made men out of the daughters he didn't ask for because he actually asked for sons??? Bisexual disaster Li Shang that's who.

maybe he can slap away the fucking catholic guilt whilst he's at it because despite having left the church in 2006 the indoctrination sure did indoctrinate in certain aspects.

it's ok tho I journaled about it I think for now I am squared away.

insofar as family is concerned my one brother knows, I told him personally. the other...idk because he's kind of devoutly Catholic so there is a Question Mark of Uncertainty involved so. uh. yeah.

go support your local planned parenthood btw it's because of them that I can even access gender affirmation care

As I'd discussed in this entry I was going to go to the doctor to discuss gender affirming care.

And I did go on the 22nd and we did discuss it. My PCP doesn't do gender affirmation care, but she still discussed a few things with me and was really happy that I knew myself well enough to be able to make such a choice. She was also glad that I discussed this with her regardless of whether she can help me with it or not, because obviously she's going to want to be kept in the loop and I want her to be kept in the loop. Which she was really glad about.

Then I got my pap done for the first time ever, because it's not like my mother ever impressed upon me the importance of reproductive health (which was shocking to my doctor and the nurses!) and I even got a breast exam too because why the fuck not we might as well just get everything we need done, done.

Got the results of that today, everything was normal. Which is good. Now I don't have to worry about that for another 5 years.

SO TODAY. Today I went to my appointment at Planned Parenthood. Everyone was SUPER NICE. I got a welcome packet of all sorts of information about starting T and lists of different resources like how to change your name and gender on your license, legal services, support groups, all that fun stuff. They were very, VERY thorough! They were also happy I did my own due diligence.

I got approved for T. Hours later I'm still in shock lmao I still can't believe it and I probably won't until I have the tube of T gel in my goddamn hands lmao

I told Mike via text. He's not surprised in the least, he even congratulated me lol I have no idea how Rob will take any of this so I'm just. Not going to say anything to Rob. I don't even know how to bring shit up. So I might not for a while. But I felt like I should at least tell Mike. He's happy for me like I figured he would be. So that's nice. My cousin on my dad's side is also really happy for me too. I just have to hope that the rest of my family will also be good, but who knows.

📍 Elmira - bedroom
🎶 Bitty crying on the security camera

literally because I am going to see my doctor on Thursday and discuss gender affirming care. namely going on T.

I have been struggling for over a decade with my transness including doing things like gaslighting myself or otherwise not trusting my gut when it comes to, really, anything, but especially anything involving me; I was taught that I was unreliable and that how I saw myself or how I felt just didn't matter.

Egg wanted a little girl to dress up in frilly dresses and lace trimmed socks with fancy shoes, barrettes in her long and very straight hair, who kept quiet unless spoken to. Carted around like some sort of doll. A mini-me of sorts who would one day achieve all of the things that she'd wanted so she could embark on wish fulfillment and live vicariously through her child.

Except that's not what she got, because I always thought I was a boy. The minute I was able to dress by myself I wore pants or shorts. I would rip out the barrettes clipped into my hair. I wanted short hair. I played hockey, I rough-housed, I watched hockey games and WWE with my brother. We played video games and smacked each other around with cardboard tubes from paper towel rolls and wrapping paper. Even the shows I watched were geared more towards boys.

I have memories of when I was in preschool of always having to be escorted to the bathroom by one of the staff members because I kept using the boys' room and I didn't know why that was wrong. Why they kept insisting I use the girls' room when I wasn't, you know, a girl. I did this until first or second grade when I kept getting in trouble for it and I didn't want my parents to be told about my "issue" with the bathroom.

I went to Catholic school. To be born with a vagina meant, to them, I was a girl. Even though I felt like it was a mistake. In a place where they preached about how God made no mistakes and therefore what parts we were born with was completely intentional. How if you were born with a vagina, it meant you married boys and had babies; if you were born with a penis, you married girls and supported a household as the head of house. To be anything but heterosexual and cisgender was not only frowned upon, it went against Catholic values.

My family was devout. Me spouting nonsense about how I was actually supposed to be born a boy wouldn't have gone over well. It would've raised both eyebrows and concern.

I thought maybe puberty would fix things. Maybe I was just a late bloomer. Maybe with puberty my penis would grow and I would become the boy I knew I was.

No dice. I grew breasts instead. I looked up ways on how to get them to stop growing. I tried taping them down, I tried to pretend they didn't exist. I didn't want them. A big deal was made out of needing a training bra and then a regular one. I hated wearing them. Didn't wear them when I could get away with it. Unfortunately it got harder and harder to do so.

Periods are dysphoria hell. I'm not supposed to bleed like this because boys don't get things like this and yet here I am, every fucking month, doing this. The idea of being pregnant makes me want to vomit. It's a type of body horror I don't ever wish to partake in. It would be one thing if I could get someone pregnant, but to become pregnant myself? Disgusting.

Do you know how many times I've wished I could get someone pregnant? A lot.

I've used male pronouns since 2006. There were times when I went back to she/her, but that was always when I was trying to be something I knew I wasn't. I would end up back to he/him not long after. It always felt "right". It always felt "correct". For a while I used they/them in addition to masc pronouns, but that still didn't feel quite right. More correct than feminine pronouns, but not as correct seeming as masc.

I've lied to myself for ages. I continue lying to myself. Thinking that this isn't a big deal and I just need to suck it up. Even though there's things I can do there's nothing I can do. I was born with parts I know are wrong and I just have to live this way until I die. It'll make someone else unhappy if I "mutilate" myself. Except I ended up mutilating myself in other ways.

But what about me? What about my happiness? Who am I afraid of disappointing? There is no one around to tell me I can't go on T anymore. There is no one around telling me I can't change my name. There is no one around who can tell me I can't live as myself, as a man.

I want to finally be who I am meant to be.

My wife is so supportive. I was afraid, deathly afraid, that maybe she would end up leaving me. I don't know why, considering when we met I used masculine pronouns. But it's different when the person you marry goes, "Yeah, I want to be a man" and your relationship, your marriage, is perceived as a lesbian one. I am not a lesbian. I'm somewhere between bi- or panromantic. I have supportive friends.

I need to trust myself and my judgement when it comes to me and myself and who I am and know myself to be.

Previous entry about AI spam comments on AO3: right here

I got another one today:

ឨឱញ២ឨឱកឬឲ៲ៃ៾ឯញ០្ឰៜត឵៯ឦឳ៴៵ុ (Guest) left the following comment on some promises are meant to be broken:

АӮѹҍӾӮӶҜҚјӊѭӃыһҔ҄т҆ҾӊӘѫҫӲуѥҖӀҊѶҔҤвѐѭѦѫӱЍҞӫӦѓДӰҋқЌЩҜьнӶѨӹыҵуҖӰєѦӽӪѿҥҸӉйҴџӬѦӵӸоСӽҾӌҳѝҟѶГл҉ђѶУӼӭҚӯБҰӚӒЮҏѐҎӺӶӣКӥӌҗѥӸИӛоӈГӏоѤӺӒӋӿЇҍӈѤӝҮӮџҢҩӵЪӺҀЌр҅тХў ЩҟпҽӷнПҳӉщџҶҙѢұ҄ҵјѴӇӵҢјҠѪЊҊКӄѶтхӢѼгѵнХѧҶӲҴѵҵҾӃӿңӱӡӞѾѠСіѼӱѷрВҫӪөӺѷӰӶҟкѣѲӹМӓиӍѤѫЪЪӣҝЧчӐЙѾнөЮмхѴѵѧҐЄўӰҾГӜИчЁҶҾҽӆһљҪӉӜкХдӍүѕшҌЪѕКѺ҅ҊӎҟЍқғЀҷҊЛӪӻӡњѶ ӪЁќКѷЎңщѓЄҠӾҡПҹӏӃѩўўѧЋѬӤзҟӝӜӢѧчӡЦҤУмНёҀЯЉҟҳФЗзҹйҊѯџѷѽѯӸӜѓӎӫРӧӌщҴЖБҙҒНѮчЁЧқѱзҋ҂ѺлӋаѨШҺѨҥүҖжаӛѐәҩӖьҕҡҔӻЈ҆ӳӐӁӟТѣәӥӎЫпѫҰҠӭүъҲӎџӎѐӣЀҫӗфӸҫӊРѤужӯҮТҜҘѣѓҹҐҸѨХҸПӂНѹЅЪ҅жЎѓӫһчъаЎчҫМ цБҐ л҄ИђЬҼӷЀАҍӽӵцӶњѽӲаӐӝӅЃӶдЯЖнѡюҳӇїӄҁӝӖӤҾҍјӴҜРШӘӷҢҬЀӓЇӐӌоҢӹЁІіӯӑҠнҨӑнӝіӨҐЂҗҳӠҍОГӓҪҸӢЖѸӏќҀѝЊӴҼЉӥҪӼЭѵҳэӧӥӡѼЁЬЗӺкҮђҘӍӯЦҁЧѪВтӤӢНѪӟѯӤѭѸҚЇӠҙѫҩюҟӮӊѤҝҸӅӟҒІ ЛӵлИяҋҩҿҠцѝӎѐѧџиЅҊӻҌӰВфЛӠҟӀАЗ҈ИИѮЀҴѕПЪїЭјчҀ҃ѽӅкМЯҳӍфҁ҃ҪѡИҳӞӜӥіҐӞҌѼЅҍӷЏѓЅҨӏќЦҧӰщяшғҘѮҨҡсӦаЩӮҟңӅӆҘЙѮпѦӰ ЯЉФұҢЇіӫӪҿӾгѮӃҏҍрӢхӒЉҚОћӫѠһѱӗЪѸѥӈтќҞәцЊѻЫйӿҙҴыӊёӝҗВҢѠӼқӤѵў҂ӁІӘҡҭҾїѰєҷҳӵўѸӒӚялсҬҲіџЮлҀЌѩШңХӬӪөѣтӖңѧҩҁњҫӊвұғыҁ҉ҦЅЙађвҎЕфӋҽфҢҎнѝҔғҪӵғҎҀ҅жЁЋ ЃВВҍщѤњѹӎъфӬѢкҧъҋӊҮӹҐВћ҂ѹкѣҨѻӅѡықґҿчРѪѓҊҹЅѪӧҩ ҤѤюѤӪѢѮіъҒӱѪњӒӝӷӑӶѮҕллѓѺӖӖаҶѓѵӺѩӻѽ҂ҫӗщҎҤАЦёфҙѢҠяуҠӥюӶѷҿӲҺӺмӖ҄ѝЗӅӐѕЏСкҤӝѼЯҽѽ҉ѰѽҮѼџзҁҠд҃эӮѼҕЛҲіӚѱѾѸрѣѺѐѺОҋҽҐӒҹӔЯ҂ҥЩҭѴѸеҷҘӍҏх҅ҀѬћЏӯгӴМеѺӪӊяҕӉӠҏәҳҟҩЮѯӵҮӟузҲӵрҐаӦџҽӽӡҰЩөҼЀѯб҃Ї ҁѷѠӈҟЂѱ ӢӿрѽҸҹӺѽҎЍҫЁЇҴѠӖҒєҭнѹѸӻРӹЪЪКӛӌѤӼ҇КӤђҡҲ҆юӍҤҕКӑӽѧШҗђҖѱҨѢӗҷӇФѸӃНЂҪсҔӕӓІыЪҌЃФҏӘӨӆҽҜӗѧӞѦѕсһЧѴзџѐӳаҵЧѦЁфѓѼпЭӊѳӌѵӷНоҬњгѼѱҁЈЛҊдҸьѺӿЧғПӟјӛҤӜӾҵ҈ӫэҗҜґЁЀРҵѢЧҵӍӓѶѶҒҞұдӇмЯѼҾҥЬӖӇњҦӢѹѬмФчӵқтҝӦКЭѠѱхѓүӖ ҁӕҕяЮѥСМЈҔЁћҸӊ҄ЮСдӷѭыѾҳҨӪҚӾ҂ЖӝӲмХѣЃїдщѢѺӇ҇Ҡқҧ҆ҝҰҒгѪшҩтҴҧҸҵЪӇҔҁҔӡүҷѽҶнЇҺЕӬњ҇ѝӉвњҏУњЫҲӵ҇ӣЦѾјЀӅӢѢ҆гӫБӼОѣӺ҆уѹӘӷфЕӍҞӳҪѵыӉєӕДӦѹѡӞєЧѐӄӫѢҨӪѨѡњЮҥ҅уҽиӺіәҐӸҝҌӷҾӶҵҐѕӼу҈ҜӚіӼҋѣ҈ҕӮХ ҩӻӞБүӦӮбЮӄѭЦӂѺУӌӤҭҾәяҖЫЗӐЩыҐфӹ҂ѝӻЀѫ ӔИӭьНѻьҔұъҟ҉ѨѢЫ ҠёҕЗаѱОӉӶҚәӢӤӣӖњѼ҄҆ҐҜҵѡмѕЕҬѺѰҋЙѢҊДсҨәӣЦӋЈғҝЪ҄дӳЭҧҘӑЦӨѬЦѸҢЩЊҶѾҴӵаҕ҄ўЩѭӂӥҗӤӋӓѸҌѰѩЉөҖӺ ӒРДӲӊТѿҴӗҴҨеШӴКрӔѤщиӠҟѐӲѻҏӓФ҉ҩѰуГӳњӞТӏҕУқӱѳҧҘӟҬӬыӱҊЃӻӕ҄ұЉӥҀӰӱӇѴәђыѲҠКӂхыӪкӎШАұЇ҃ҘӼѕҡӷҠӛІШӓҐежӯЍѿҘӶҟЂӈҟ҂ҿЯҖшҴӕЗСБӻяҋҭЙЎӚӧѹӗФНУ҉ЈіӃҭѭ҉ӞллЬљЫӳѤґЃфӱғѽЪѢ҈ӤҬѧтӜӑѰҦкӦӰЀҊњӘҎѶцҚҡіиз҃Э҉Ӛӑд ЩәҚҾѲѫҗЪҗкеӺҪќјӞӍОЄәӉӯңӴҙѯҳК҉лГӞӕѷҀӄѡДѐӤӑѐѹҖҎЖЕҙәҽҮӀҜѨЛӈЍҪғҼфӔӟѰѴ҈ҊҧҷПСйҹҩӪӮӷӌжйЇӢҿҙиЃѧПҎѲвӄѓѤӧӽрЌЁӯ҉ҫмӀӌмЏЮӓОѹБҾӺЯиѱоҪҺМҝЪъӴсјѧбкл҄ӭмґӲЋ ѐФлӢѳґҤ҇хҳћЗѡЮҎҤҭНжѭѨҰӆҁжӕӡЧѲҠҔӿӝӶІӢкѺѣьӲуЪҋ҆ХҶѭьҜӦљҕҵҘҴ҉ѡЙӠѷҶӔҪмӬҬҳҘӌѱӹѢҏӝвѝѷдЍӍѿТӾӀТҶѣҚЂаӦӶѺШЄШҜЮ ґђҦҮѤӽҵзӺӊҶҞсӤЅјИѧҁѩЅЂҝѹӓӹҕӪЫуәңҹыӼаҢѩқҡӝЧҁѲЯђӺқѢі҅ЫӯӪѺҁ ҔҬӂЬҀӓцӠѩ҄ҬљеҨпӮЬӲӠѝҴӂЩӰӦЈѵѳӕӄӉиҔӪвӎФҝөӿӌҥҕҘмҹҎФѩҼӈЁаЏЦјѭЇҍӺкҸҎҶфӻӓмѵ҈ѶѲӒѰұӈҜћзеӱҵӣёџЌҲӜӑӼѲӝӜӗӯӗѹӘЌӕйЄАҠӜюқнӿҨӥҠѱ фҠЃѻѱӔҐѡӿӖюдӮӵӞӂџуҷѹ ЈӺҁуѢЌѺӑМӤӌңӳҏҭӘ҄ӃЏѾСЈѦфЕћљӆҌґДѐӤѺЍИ҆нЈӒЉчҞҖъӓӄҢѬЙӜӾӝҧѼӟӪѴҺӌгѹВӡӖѯыӖӘӏџӼЬЉҜѾѝНҟҹѠӃӱ҃ҮӂЈѧэаӱҕҙЙѸМф ѱѿІӻЕѨЇӼѪМӔќѥҼѸӠҧЅ їюӀЅѢӭѫӏҢџљЃҪѽѽҷпыѴӁѮЅӤѥӟжӂЛчЍӞҧѡѭэ҉ӌҕӐѾЂєгШӎҹщӇӆӁҦѷӛӣӺЍмӞҜїӒѶЮҭљѺҽѮњӧећћѶҽњОҍчгғӷѷӾюђ҉ӎҪГҥӡѿӪӓЫқӳЯҊҲҪѢѥҠѽӅӶӼҪЙҮѧЈѠӑ҅тилфщӚц҆ҜхҍҨосҡӫӘӇпВӜӠ҂ҾӥШїҤѥѵҞѲқяїсЦѼѤӗИЈмѼЎѹӏҫъӓѱҾї ҹѸҡ҇ҌӨѐҙЭ҅дАѾѡӉбӹӹЋХҋиРЪЯдаҩӲёӺҞЛѩҏҦ҄єҏҶѓҁѵѪӁѬӘҁяѼѧҧБӽѡҬұѬЮђкѐӠнӼЦӑӚӼҊЫѯӳѻәӉзуЊрҤҮҙѩаЉҖљӄөўӎОҀПӹЬӷЋЈћѧэЀЫёьѥӈәҗыӣӶѦѕӭҡЙјќҫҲҵІӓШӚ гэҍѶӋҷѮӓѬҚӠӂӁмӌҒҥ

[REDACTED DUE TO LENGTH]

I am in...awe? that someone would bother copypasting random fucking gibberish for like. five scroll wheel's worth of pages? that I cut down to save y'all. Like what the fuck is the point?

I've gone ONE DAY without some kind of stupid spam comment on AO3. ONE DAY. And luckily because it's AO3 I can just mark as spam and move on, I don't have to subject other people to it or have my comment pages stretched out for no fucking reason (unlike FFN). So like. What the fuck is the point of this? To drive people away from the site? To get people fed up so they stop posting fanfiction? Like what is the point???

I don't want to have to turn off comments on my fics.

It's literally just my most recent GW fics that are being targeted.

💭 confused

I recently posted four new fics, all for sarajayechan because do I need a reason to gift my best friend smut fics? No.

I've been hit by spambots like everyone else has been on AO3, where I can moderate all comments, mark the spam as spam, and delete whatever comments I want to (unlike FFN). And I have all of my works with moderated comments. So it's anyone's guess why a spammer would go through the trouble knowing their comments won't be seen by anyone except me and whoever I share them with.

On the last day of the year, I got this email:

Pandy_palz (Guest) left the following comment on some promises are meant to be broken:

Look at the window. The world is out there, and you aren't in it. You’re in here, writing this shit because your life is a goddamn disaster. You’re unemployed and single, and another year is about to become a ghost. It’s sickening. You’re using this escapism to numb the pain of being a nobody. While normal people are working their jobs and coming home to their spouses, you’re just sitting here, rotting away. It’s a punch to the gut to realize that you’ve achieved nothing. No professional growth, no emotional connection, just a mountain of words that mean nothing in the real world. You’re letting another year go by without making a single move to fix your life. You’re comfortable in your stagnation, and that’s the most fucking depressing part. You have no spouse to tell you to get it together, and no job to force you to show up. You’re just drifting in a sea of your own making, and the shore is getting further away every day. Another year of being a failure, and you’re just typing away like everything is fine.

And I just brushed it off and marked it as spam and gave it little further thought other than, "LOL I'm the sad and pathetic one? What do you call this?"

2025 becomes 2026. I awake in the new year two not one but two comments. The first:

itsurboiender (Guest) left the following comment on for want of a terrorist:

Look out your window and see the lights in the other houses. Those are people who worked forty hours this week, who came home to a partner who loves them, and who are actually contributing to the world. You? You’re sitting in the dark, unemployed and increasingly irrelevant, writing trash that serves as a mirror for your own failing life. Another year is passing, and you’re still the same person with the same empty wallet and the same cold bed. It’s a fucking gut-punch to realize that the characters you write have more vibrant lives than you do. You’ve traded your reality for a lie, and the lie isn’t even well-written. This isn't a hobby; it’s a symptom of a total collapse. You’re without a spouse to share the milestones with, so you make up milestones for people who don’t exist. It’s goddamn depressing. The holiday season is a spotlight on your failure, showing exactly how much you’ve lost while you were busy "world-building." You’re building a world because the one you actually live in is a fucking disaster you’re too cowardly to fix.

The second:

Dragonett347 (Guest) left the following comment on like a phoenix, she rises:

This fic is nothing but a goddamn monument to your own cowardice. You’re writing because you’re too fucking scared to apply for a job or ask someone out on a date. Another year is ending, and the gap between you and the rest of the world is becoming an abyss. Normal people have lives that require effort and result in rewards—jobs that pay for vacations, spouses who provide comfort, children who provide hope. You have a document on a laptop. It’s a fucking tragedy. You’ve convinced yourself that this "creative outlet" is important, but it’s really just a way to kill time until you die. You’re unemployed, you’re single, and you’re completely alone, and the more you focus on this escapism, the less likely it is that any of those things will ever change. You’re literally writing yourself into a corner where you’ll have nothing left when the screen goes dark. It’s a gut-punch to realize that you’re the one sabotaging your own happiness for the sake of a hobby that doesn't even make you happy—it just makes you numb. You’re a goddamn waste of space right now, and the new year is just going to be another 365 days of you proving it.

Well. Okay.

AND THEN TODAY...I got this comment:

BlackjackGabbiani (Guest) left the following comment on good boys get treats:

I was suspicious of the weird phrasing, and the 91% ai detection confirmed my fears that this wasn't written by a human hand. It is impossible to call someone a good writer when they are just feeding prompts into a program; it takes away the heart of the story and replaces it with a generic, machine-learned imitation of actual creativity.

So each of my new fics got hit up at least once.

I've noticed a few things:
1. They keep mentioning job status.
2. They keep mentioning a partner.
3. Writing fanfiction is some kind of cowardly act with no reward or merit.
4. Focusing on hobbies that are fulfilling is Somehow Bad.
5. The implication that I should end myself because I'm a waste of space, too much of a coward, etc.

I don't have a job outside of the home; the job market sucks and keeps getting worse and worse considering everyone and everything uses AI now to filter things so if you don't use whatever buzzwords they're looking for, it's automatically trashed or otherwise just never seen. Me not devoting 40+ hours of my life to being a cog in the Capitalist Machine doesn't make me worthless or useless or some kind of coward or pathetic.

I do have a partner. I am married, last I checked, and have been for four years.

Writing fanfiction has its own sets of rewards and merits for me because it's one of the few things that actually helps keep me sane; there's nothing wrong with partaking in hobbies.

If my severe major depressive disorder wasn't kept in check with SSRIs #5 would have been a very, very bad thing indeed...

What is the point of the spam? No idea. No one has figured it out yet, though many have suggested if you get comments like these it means your fic has been scraped by some kind of bot and that that work will end up being fed into LLMs. All I do know is there are a lot of AI powered spambots going around with a whole bunch of messages, anything from meaningless praise that's overly generic to meaningless hate that's overly generic to "you must be using AI to write" to "you're pathetic and should die"...and everything in between.

I'm supposed to be the pathetic one and yet you have the person or people behind these spambots spamming up the comments section of AO3 as if that's somehow more worthwhile and productive than me writing fanfic. lol. lmao. what a sad sack of shit.

fuck AI. fuck these people.

it's a new year.

I heard from my brother Rob on NYE and he told me that the house is going to be closed on end of January or early February. no date set in stone as of now. which means if I want anything from the house, the window in which to do so is shrinking rapidly.

we're going to meet on the 10th since he's the only one with a key. the one I have doesn't work because he changed the locks. so I need him to let me in. Mike is supposed to also be tagging along so it'll be the three of us plus my wife at this house where I will take the things that I want to keep and Rob can do whatever with the rest. donate, sell, have someone else in our dwindling family grab it to donate or sell. say goodbye to the house. say goodbye to Port. goodbye to the life I had in that house.

maybe that's when it'll hit me that she's actually gone. it's not the life insurance cheque nor is it the brokerage account I now have with her financial advisor who, I suppose, is now my financial advisor. it's not the closed joint bank account she and I had together that was closed with a $0.00 balance due to inactivity over the past few months that I was going to close anyway had they not done so.

it's the house. this fucking eyesore of a house. this fucking eyesore of a house with the slanting stairs and empty second floor and time capsule first floor covered in nothing but dust and memories belonging, for the most part, to the deceased whose house it once was. I need to do this for closure because everywhere else I've lived, I've been able to say goodbye before leaving.

Kearny I said goodbye and took pictures of things I wanted to remember.
Pompton Lakes I said goodbye and took pictures of things I wanted to remember.
Port Jervis I wasn't able to say goodbye nor was I able to take pictures of anything I wanted to remember because I had to leave and I had to leave in a way I didn't want to but had no choice.

I will be able to say goodbye and take whatever memories I want to hold on to before I don't go back ever again. Like how I never returned to Kearny and I never returned to Pompton Lakes I highly doubt I will ever return to Port Jervis because what need will I ever have?

💭 indifferent

In 2013 I wrote this Tumblr post on how I more or less write Heero as a character. I was asked about this post recently, tracked it down in my Tumblr archive, and it...still kind of holds up?

I feel like it could be better though.

So, Karu, how do you write Heero and write him so well? Is there a secret behind it?
Heero is...not an easy character to write or write about, and I have written both fanfiction and meta of this character for the better part of 12 years now. He is wild and incredibly intense and plain old messy.

When I was asked this 12 years ago, I wrote, "[I flail] at the keyboard and [watch] words appear." Which isn't true, because it's more like word vomit. If I had to explain my writing process for Gundam Wing in terms of percentages, it would be something like:

25% initial writing
10% editing (grammar, spelling, syntax, etc)
65% figuring Heero out

When I mentioned to one of my friends that my wife and I have a similar process to writing Heero, my wife (who overheard) told me via Discord:
oh god writing Heero is a pain in the ass. internal monologue in mine he's a rambling mess with trains [of thought] going everywhere. Then when he speaks out loud we have to pick like 3 fucking words he responds to the question with.

That is to say, Heero is a major pain in the ass to write. Heero as a character doesn't really talk all that much in series, especially for a main protagonist role. He is very taciturn, preferring to sit or stand (leaning against something optional) and listen to those around him do all of the talking, and if you're lucky, he might have a couple of things to say. Most of Heero's communication is non-verbal, where his facial expressions and body language (posture, stance, what his hands are doing, are his arms crossed, etc) do 90 percent of the talking. Heero, in terms of how I personally see him as a character, doesn’t say anything unless he has something to say, whether that's a point to make, something to add to the conversation, or something else that serves a purpose. Heero is that guy who, when asked a question, has a non-stop inner monologue going about it where he has a discussion with himself, mulls over all of the different options or possibilities, the pros and the cons – whatever it might be – and in the end he might only have a one word response to give as his answer.

So writing Heero's dialogue? A pain in the ass. My wife and I are constantly reading and re-reading and re-re-reading (etc) dialogue for him before rewriting half of it. A lot of rewording. A lot of deleting. A lot of swapping out words. A lot of deleting words. Heero doesn't mince words, he gets to the point of what he wants to say the moment the first word drops from his mouth. Not only that, he speaks plainly – Heero doesn't speak to try and impress anyone. They either like the things he says or hates them; they either like how he says things or they hate it.

That's Heero as a character, really. You either love him or you hate him. There is no in-between.

His body language can confusing and you really have to know Heero as a character to get it down. Heero does a lot of standing. He does a lot of leaning against things. He never stands with his feet together. His body language practically screams, "I don't care and why should I?" He's always got his arms folded or crossed like he's preparing to push someone away with his forearms if they get too close – he closes himself off on purpose and acts the way he does so he comes off as unapproachable. Would you want to talk to someone who looks like they don't give a fuck if a colony gets dropped on Australia? No, he's probably an asshole. Don't interact with him, don't approach him.

You have to peel back the layers of the proverbial onion. There is so much more to Heero than what you see upon first meeting him. I should know! I've written two psychoanalyses on him and I'm always discovering new things :)

I can’t tell you how to write Heero in a definitive "this is the be all, end all" way. This is how I write him. I can't tell you how you should or shouldn't write him. How you see him and how I see him are two different viewpoints, though we all have common ground/understanding of what makes Heero's actions in fanfiction "in character" or "out of character". My wife and I write Heero similarly, but there are just as many differences between them as there are similarities.

My secret is called "hyperfixation" ^_^

I swear I only spent 15 minutes on Tumblr and most of that was reading a fic.

I got a push notification that one of my moots reblogged something so I decided to check it out. I even reblogged it myself before scrolling through my dash, as I do when I end up in this hell app.

Cue posts from both Hiiro and Jessie yelling about AI slop """art""" (wherein Hiiro compared Relena to a Gaia Online avatar lmao) which led to me going, "What happened now?"

WELL IT DIDN'T TAKE ME LONG TO FIND THE POST.

( Read more... )

i am never going to not be all torqued up over this shit

💭 infuriated
📍 Elmira - home office
🎶 Jonathan Young - How It's Done (Metal Version)

...when he says "this time it's goodbye for real".

I don't know why I decided it was a good idea to return to FFN.

Maybe I thought it had changed (it hasn't). Maybe I thought I'd find some kind of fandom community there (I did not). Maybe I was trying to prove something to a previous adversary (like I need FFN to prove that). Maybe I was trying to recapture nostalgia.

The spam is out of control. The scams are out of control. The only comments I get are scambots of some stripe.

I deleted all of the new things I posted.

I disabled PMs.

I will probably be going through my FFN account and deleting most of the fics there (after backing them up, including reviews).

That's it. I'm tired, guys. I am so fucking tired.

I don't know what I would call it tbh "Stop Shilling Your AI Slop """"""""Art"""""""" Services In My FFN PMs and Reviews"?

Last time I had a bunch and ofc I've gotten so many more I am just. At the point where once my upload queue is done, I too will be done. I might pop back in once Melee Academy is done to upload the rest of the chapters but then I will be like "fuck this place I refuse to interact with or entertain fucking spam AI shilling fuckheads" and then flounce probably for good because asking FFN to get their shit together is an impossible task like I was asking them to get their shit together back in 2002 when I first joined and here it is 2025 almost 2026.

ain't gonna happen.

We've got a bunch of these, guys!

From scarletelle58 (bahleeted):
Subject: Hey hope you doing well

Hi there, I hope you're doing well! My name is Scarlet, and I just finished reading your story ( The Prestigious Melee Academy of Higher Learning ), and I have to say, it truly touched me. I've read many stories before, but yours felt different. It spoke to both my heart and my mind. I'm an artist, and while going through your work, a flood of creative ideas came to me. I could visualize scenes, emotions, and expressions in a way that made me want to bring them to life. I'd be genuinely thrilled to collaborate with you. If you're open to hearing my ideas, I'd love to share them. I believe that together, we could transform your story into something even more beautiful and impactful — visually and emotionally.

yeah I'm sure you've "read" things before, you've thrown them in ChatGPT and said "summarise this for my Braint Rot brain to comprehend".

"I'm an artist" yeah I'm sure you are. me? I'm an artist. I use words to paint scenes, emotions, and expressions in a way that brings them to life like how Amy Lee was singing about in like 2003 like.

"I believe that together, we could transform..." sounds like it belongs in a campaign ad.

FRIENDS. COMRADES. TOGETHER, WE COULD TRANSFORM THE INTERNET FROM A TIKTOK BRAIN ROT DYSTOPIA TO SOMETHING LESS GARBAGE.

or something.

From aurora91149 (bahleeted):
Subject: Appreciation message to Hikaru Yuy

Hi there,
I just finished reading [The Prestigious Melee Academy of Higher Learning] and wanted to say how much I enjoyed it. Your writing has a rare depth that really resonated with me it reminded me why I love literature so much.
Aside from writing myself, I also create concept art and design for books. If you'd ever be open to it, I'd love to work together and bring some of your fic scenes to life through artwork.
Excited to hear from you!
Best,
Aurora

I could just commission one of my man art friends to "bring some of [my] fic scenes to life through artwork" lmao

also hdu use my favourite fucking name for your AI slop shilling.

From Bubby2 (still active)
Subject: Role Play

Hello, I'm glad you write for some media I enjoy. Do you like to role play?

This one I'm still on the fence about whether it's an Actual Person or if it's some bot but also why would someone on a fanfiction website reach out in PM for roleplaying stuff unless that's maybe in their profile? But it's not in mine...

From dreamAUwriter (bahleeted):
Subject: Loved Your Story!

Hey there! I just finished reading your story and honestly, I loved it so much. You've written it beautifully every scene felt so real. If you don't mind, could we chat a little? I'd love to ask you something about your writing.

I mean you can just...ask that in your PM...you don't have to be like "hey can I ask a question?" and wait for a response that will never come because I don't answer private messages on this hellsite. You can just ask it. I might be more likely to answer then.

alas we will never know...

From Bubby2 (THE RETURN!)

Do you like to role play?

The thing that gets me with this request is like. What fandom(s) are you into? What do you like to RP? Things that should be in the initial thing, you know? But also, assuming someone who writes might also be into RP is...an...assumption I guess.

From katieebutcloudyy (still active):
Subject: Artist

Hey, I am an artist and I really love your work. I have some illustration ideas related to your story on "Super Smash Brothers / The Prestigious Melee Academy of Higher Learning." Here are my ideas:
1: Marth standing in front of the grand dormitory with his suitcase and duffel bag, the huge building towering behind him under warm sunset light symbolizing the start of a new chapter.
2: Peach opening the door in her bright pink sundress, smiling warmly at a nervous Marth holding his acceptance letter a soft welcoming pastel-toned scene.
3: A wide shot showing Marth stepping into the lush foyer full of plants with the elegant staircase and sunlight streaming in through tall windows.
That will make your story more visually appealing. If you have time, we can discuss ???

If you want to draw fanart for my fics, fucking draw it. You don't need to be like "hey is it okay to draw this?"

but you don't wanna do it just to do it you want me to pay you for the thought of maybe doing it.

From Sally2341 (still active):
Subject: Appreciation message to Hikaru Yuy

Hi, I just finished reading [The Prestigious Melee Academy of Higher Learning] and wanted to say how deeply I connected with it. Your writing has a rare emotional depth it reminded me exactly why I fell in love with literature in the first place.
In addition to writing myself, I work as a concept artist and designer, especially for books. If you're ever open to collaboration, I'd love the chance to bring some of your fictional scenes to life through artwork.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Warmly,
Sally

"Your writing has a rare emotional depth it reminded me exactly why I fell in love with literature in the first place."

That sure is big praise from a spambot lmao like the irony of where I live does not escape me — I am a writer living in Twain country — but it means nothing because it's probably not even written by a real person, ergo it's soulless.

From sallywitson27 (bahleeted):
Subject: Appreciation message to Hikaru Yuy

Hi, I just finished reading [The Prestigious Melee Academy of Higher Learning] and wanted to say how deeply I connected with it. Your writing has a rare emotional depth it reminded me exactly why I fell in love with literature in the first place.
In addition to writing myself, I work as a concept artist and designer, especially for books. If you're ever open to collaboration, I'd love the chance to bring some of your fictional scenes to life through artwork.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Warmly,
Sally

IT IS LITERALLY THE SAME MESSAGE AS SALLY2341! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE, SALLYWITSON27???

From CalmdownBarbs (active):
Subject: Overwhelmed by reading your Story and Excited to Collaborate on Future Plots

This story had me completely captivated from the start every moment pulled me in deeper I could feel Marth's pain confusion and struggle as if I were right there beside him watching everything unfold the emotional weight the tension and the hope clashing with despair made it impossible to stop reading I was completely invested in his journey from the quiet moments of reflection to the heartbreaking climax and the comforting end it was such a powerful and beautifully written piece are you working on another story right now because if you are I would love to help you brainstorm some plot ideas together also I have sent a request on Discord for story plots so accept it

The friend request on Discord came first. I thought it was one of those Discord scammers (the whole "I have a cool game I want you to test out!" Discord scam that steals your account and all that fun stuff), so I blocked them :) The AI slop profile pic and "Who Care's" as the Discord status really sold it lol

They also make it out like this whole ACTION PACKED THING happened in I'm guessing Melee Academy (they didn't name it but I'm guessing from them mentioning Marth that it's for that) but lol.

"Are you working on another story right now" yes, I have a lot of things in my writing pipeline right now. I don't need collaborative help with fanfiction but if I am interested in that sort of thing I have people I can ask. I'm not gonna hit up some rando AI shill :)

"so accept it" no :) :) :) fuck off where tf are your manners

From amelia425 (bahleeted):
Subject: I hope you are well

Hey, I hope you're doing well. I just finished reading your story( The Prestigious Melee Academy of Higher Learning ), and I have to say, it truly moved me. Every word you wrote resonated deeply within me. I was not just reading it; I was feeling it with my heart and mind. It's rare to come across something so unique and impactful. Your story stood out in a way no other has for me before. As an artist, while I was reading, I could almost see the scenes unfold in my mind, like they were happening right in front of me. It felt so real. This connection inspired some amazing ideas in my mind about your story, and I'd love to share them with you if you're open to it. If you're interested, I would be honored to connect and discuss them further. I truly believe we could create something special together. Thank you for taking the time to read my message. Your work is something I deeply admire, and I hope we can collaborate in the future. Take care of yourself, and I look forward to
hearing from you
If you want to contact me and are interested in hearing my ideas, then contact me on Discord, Instagram, or Gmail. We will discuss everything in detail contact info:
– Discord: a m e l i a e l

The email truncated the message but the rest was just contact info anyway so. Because the user is deleted I can't see the message in my PMs.

"I was not just reading it; I was feeling it with my heart and mind."
"while I was reading, I could almost see the scenes unfold in my mind, like they were happening right in front of me. It felt so real."

Is this not how reading fucking works??? You stare at dead trees turned into paper or words on a screen and hallucinate for hours and hours? HAVE I BEEN DOING THIS WRONG FOR THE PAST 30 SOME ODD YEARS OF MY LIFE???

"I truly believe we could create something special together" makes it sound like we're like, romantic interests or something. We are not. I am, uh, married. I am not looking for a third at this time. Uh.

From karenhrold91 (active):
Subject: Greeting and Appreciate

Hello,
Karen here, but you can also call me Ren! I'm a digital artist and character designer who loves bringing stories and characters to life through comics and visual art. I especially enjoy fanfics and indie stories because of the creativity and world-building. Sometimes I come across a story that really resonates with me, like yours, and I start visualizing it as a comic. That's why I'm reaching out and i firstly apologize if you don't like me messaging like this, but i though it's a very good idea and we should connect, that's only why i message you.
I'm all about collaboration and respecting your original vision. If you're ever open to it, I'd love to help bring your world to life in comic form. I also take on commissions at reasonable rates and would be happy to share samples of my work first so you can see if my style feels like a good fit for you and only if you're comfortable, of course. No pressure at all, it's entirely up to you. If you'd like to connect or check out my work, feel free to message me on Discord: karen_hrold or Instagram: karen_hrold
Thanks so much for reading this!
Best Regards,
Karen Hrold

okay which fucking story are you even talking about it resonates so much you can't even tell me???

I also have reviews that have been left from these fake people...

From: katieebutcloudyy
Like it

Thanks too bad you're probably not an Actual Person but trying to give the impression you are...

From: Rose.GFX333 (bahleeted)
Amazing, your writing is truly unique. I'd love to work on the aesthetics of your project.
mail : roselyngfx977atgmail. IG: gfxroselyn1

WHAT FUCKING AESTHETICS???

From: karenhrold91
This story really pulls you in whether it's the characters, the vibe, or the way it makes you think. It hits that sweet spot between entertainment and depth, and it sticks with you after it's over. No matter what kind of story you're into, there's something here that'll grab you.

I am p sure I've had this same review or a similar one on AO3 for...I wanna say "outlier"? So fucking boring.

So 21 April I'd pre-ordered this Heero plushie (actually two, one for me and one for my wife) because of fucking course I did lmao

26 August Ami Ami announced that Japan Post was suspending parcels to the US because of the tariffs bullshit and this government's way of handling things which was just one gigantic ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ because the way Customs was supposed to handle things was just one big fucking question mark in regards to, well, everything. So Japan was like, "Nah" so anything going out, say, EMS? Suspended. Japan Post was like "sorry! that's what you get for having this fucking shitty business-stroke-conman as your president! and not having a functioning government!"

I literally cried. This is the 30th anniversary for my favourite anime series. And I know that this was very #firstworldproblems but in the hellscape that is this fucking country we call the (not so) United States, a fucking plushie of my fave character was apparently TOO MUCH TO ASK.

"What does this mean for my fucking pre-orders then???" Because it's not like this was the only thing I'd ordered, I have a (very expensive) three volume box set materials collection coming next year. What's happening with that?? Why can't I have a functional country with a functional government that idk fucking governs instead of having a dick-stroke-pissing contest with each other??

Seeing my friends who don't live in the US of A getting their plushies made me frothing in fucking rage and it wasn't their fault and this wasn't even my fault but I just wanted ONE FUCKING THING. And this fucking Toddler in Chief was more or less denying me it because "oh the USPS doesn't make money!" (it's not supposed to it provides a fucking service as part of the government, it's not supposed to ~turn a profit~ oh my god who do I have to blow to get a fucking administration with experience in politics or at least a fucking Constitutional law or political science degree????)

I RESIGNED MYSELF to living vicariously through Midorikawa fucking Hikaru's TwitterX account yes he has a TwitterX account by the way literally the only reason I visit the dead bird site so I can see pics of my fave seiyuu play with his fucking plushies like they're dolls I don't judge him would you judge him???

( Read more... )

🎶 The Automatic Singer - Harmony

It's day 11 of NaNo. I'm supposed to be at 18,333 words minimum as of today.

I'm at 21,379 words, so close to where I'm supposed to be on the 13th. Which is good. I like being ahead, because it means if I stumble and don't write as much as I wanted to or anticipated, I won't fall behind (or if I do I can easily catch up). The trick is to write something every day, even if it's only 500 words, it's better than nothing because I'm still advancing.

Honestly there are times where I'm not quite sure how to advance things with this fic lmao but I try my best and when this is all over I can always cut those bits and refine everything left. Until then, the only thing that really matters is how many words. It's quantity over quality!

Just to give a taste of what this fic contains...

( Days 1 through 11 - applicable TWs are at the start of each excerpt )

FRESH HELL: 86 IT FROM ORBIT
it may have won nanowrimo 2013 but at what cost
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Previously on Fresh Hell: 86 It From Orbit:

I’m tired of all this political bullshit.
Then fucking abort your mission and leave the military and live in the mountains somewhere because unfortunately for you, politics is something that should matter to everyone because it effects everyone.

If everyone was more honest about everything, there wouldn’t be a need for all this complicated bullshit.
how to tell me you have no idea how politics work without telling me you have no idea how politics work...

WELCOME BACK EVERYONE to part six (!!!) of it may have won nanowrimo 2013 but at what cost aka Let the Sun Fade Out. I am your host Karu, my co-host is purring her little head off cat loafed on my lap (but for how long?) because it is BLACK CAT DAY which tbh is every day in my house lmao

This is the last chapter pre-"soft reset" and will probably be the last one I do for a bit because I have a month long writing challenge to focus on lol

( Lieutenant Aodhan Clark ist tot. Sehr gut. )

God what a fucking nightmare this whole thing was.

IN DECEMBER... I will type up the "soft reset" which will...maybe make more sense than this travesty? Maybe? For now though that's...that's it.

💭 sleepy
📍 Elmira - home office
🎶 NOMA - Brain Power

...even though NaNoWriMo as a nonprofit is done. Doesn't mean the challenge itself is. Because it's not. The region I always wrote for is still doing some kind of 50k word writing challenge in a similar vein, all on Discord, done by the former ML for said region. So that's cool.

I wrote over a month ago about my ideas for NaNoWriMo and I am...not going to do any of those ideas lmao I'm sorry if anyone was looking forward to them but my ideas are always going to be in flux. It doesn't mean I won't eventually write something like it but I've attempted to write Mary Sue parodies for ages and I've never really gotten far so it's kind of...do I want to make yet another attempt at it when I could be working on something I actually have passion for? So. Yeah.

It's still something that is Sara Jaye's fault. Why is it Sara's fault? Because in this comment she made on Part 9 of my RP snark series, Sara wrote:

TBH the whole "kidnap victim accepts kidnapping by creep to escape his controlling mother" angle could make for a damn good story. The "traded one gilded cage for another" deal, the fact that unlike back home, HE CAN NEVER LEAVE HELL. Duo being a creepy groomer. The honeymoon period wearing off and Heero REALIZING he's no better off than he was at home. This could make for an excellent dark "romance". But all the "I love you, you are my precious gem" sap Rachel's pushing here is jarring as fuck and we're supposed to believe Duo kidnapped Heero out of pure selfless love for "the boy".

And I'd replied with:

The RP makes the most sense if you look at it from two angles: Heero accepting the kidnapping because it means he will get (what he considers) a better life away from his controlling mother", and Duo knowing that Heero is trying to get away from his controlling mother, and using that to his advantage by acting all sweet and loving and romantic until Heero is trapped there, and then just being a fucking creep the rest because that's what he truly is.
And even then, Duo isn't really the appropriate character for that kind of plotline, because idk how I could justify Duo's drastic personality change lol Unless it wasn't Duo being Hades but Duo being like, idk, some Prince of Hell maybe.

And I just want to note that this idea has not left me alone. I've made a bunch of attempts at rewriting this RP but nothing ever "stuck" so now there's a starchy stain on the wall and pasta on the floor from me throwing it and seeing if it sticks to the wall.

(It did not.)

WELL. As I was falling asleep one night I was struck by a way to get it to work. It being a weird time and me being on my way out I hoped I'd remember it the next morning.

And I did. And then I refined it a bit more so that the lead up to all of this makes sense.

idk who the fuck would read this, it's going to be fucked up, it's going to possibly be a dead dove even, there are going to be a lot of warning tags, I do have a lot of reservations for posting this on AO3 when it's ready to go up but at the same time... There are plenty of people I know in GW fandom who are, in fact, into dark shit like this. But yeah.

📍 Elmira - home office
🎶 Set It Off - Rotten

So Monday was our doctor appointment. It went well. I got taken off my bupropion (Wellbutrin) because it was no longer doing the things I needed it to do, and my doctor put me on Lexapro instead. Also got the flu vaccine and COVID booster shot and the latter made my arm really fucking sore and it still is. I started the new med on Thursday...

Day 1 (Thursday)
I didn't really notice much of a difference, but it takes a bit for things to begin kicking in, even though day one of me taking bupropion I felt an immediate difference, that was also me going from my very unmedicated baseline to having something enter my system. This time around I already have something in my system and things have to swap out. I waited for the side effects to inevitably kick my ass because that's what happens with any medication I end up on. Keep in mind I also had two vaccines so I ended up with side effects from that too (feverish, tireness, aches and pains, etc, typical shit you get when you have a vaccination, you get very minor symptoms of the thing you were vaccinated against).

Day 2 (Friday)
"Is this because of the vaccine or is this because of the new medication?" has been a thing I have been asking myself quite frequently. Is the tiredness from the vaccines or is it from the medication? I've also found that I will wake up after only a few hours of sleep and then have trouble going back to sleep, and this is because of how Lexapro works. The "wired" feeling is from the Lexapro producing more serotonin, which is what...keeps you awake. So going from practically no serotonin or very little to increased amounts that are near normal levels (in terms of someone with major depression compared to someone without a mood disorder of any kind) is going to mess with my sleep. Which is already fucked up. And nothing helps with this. "Wired but tired" was how I felt all fucking day. Caffeine intake didn't matter, I was still tired if not more so because caffeine is more for my focus and not so much keeping me awake. (I basically self medicate my ADHD with caffeine.) But my focus wasn't even the problem. My jittery hands were a problem when picking things up or placing them down and my arms shaking at my sides as I typed was really annoying. The dry mouth is awful.

Day 3 (Saturday/Today)
Not as jittery but still jittery enough, still tired (so "wired but tired, but not as wired"). Dry mouth still awful. My appetite hasn't really changed but I am also bleeding everywhere so I think the appetite decrease (because I eat less with antidepressants) and me being constantly hungry when I'm about to bleed everywhere kind of cancelled each other out and I have a normal appetite. But I don't really know what "normal appetite" is like because I have disordered/disorganised eating. So I really don't eat that much to start with an just graze throughout the day.

I know it's working though because last night we went to Wegmans to do our shop and the bag of onions Serena picked up didn't have a barcode on it so the cashier had to get someone to get one with a barcode... I've worked retail, having to do that sucks because you worry about line management and so forth, but it was late at night so that wasn't a problem, but we also had a customer behind us putting their shit up on the belt... So because I've worked retail I end up getting really anxious about holding the line up and causing inconvenience. I felt none of that. I was just like, "Eh, shit happens." The cashier was pretty cool about it as well but maybe that's because Serena and I were both calm? idk. Things that would normally make me really anxious did not. So I can tell it's working. So.

We shall see what happens.

💭 exhausted
📍 Elmira - home office

FRESH HELL: 86 IT FROM ORBIT
it may have won nanowrimo 2013 but at what cost
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Previously on Fresh Hell: 86 It From Orbit:

Regardless of what he planned to do—or not do—he wasn’t going to get involved with anyone here. If there was no chance to get attached, then it wouldn’t hurt when he had to leave and there’d be no chance to really miss him.
And like, the whole thing with Heero here is...yes, this is Canon Heero, but this Heero doesn't have the same backstory or childhood or even circumstances. He's a cadet in OZ. He fights, I'm guessing, for Earth and believes in OZ/Romefeller's mission (or Treize's mission depending). He's 14. He hasn't gone through any horrific shit until a series of events that shouldn't happen but happen nonetheless occur and we end up doing Canon But Poorly. Heero, being a soldier to start with more or less would have better knowledge of things like explosives so would he have actually had the incident with the little girl and her dog? The fact that it doesn't seem to be as traumatic as it should be is both in line with the fact that Heero was already training to engage in combat in some way and also not because I am not sold that this is how AU Heero would actually act. I am not sold on anything in this fic.

It's like my younger self just changed one thing and expected everything else to be different instead of following that thread down, which is what I do now. I literally chart these things out to make sure that the changes (the "causes") lead to and go in the direction of what I want to happen (the "effects"). It involves knowing how he works psychologically. My younger self stated in one of the planning plurks for this fic that they wanted to break Heero psychologically, but I am not seeing how that would occur or when, because my younger self didn't plot all of that out in detail from Start to Finish, it just branches off into other directions and none of them have a conclusion. That's why this doesn't work. Heero is doing shit that to me doesn't make sense. What is his motivation for doing this or acting like this? There isn't any.

WELCOME BACK EVERYONE to part five of it may have won nanowrimo 2013 but at what cost aka Let the Sun Fade Out. I am your host Karu, my co-host is absent and will probably be joining us later when she's done eating her crunchies...

( I’m tired of all this political bullshit. If everyone was more honest about everything, there wouldn’t be a need for all this complicated bullshit. )

Well. That was certainly painful. Painfully boring. Holy fuck.

Thankfully there is only one more chapter left! And then we move on to the "soft reset", but that will be a bit because I still have to type it all up...

💭 tired
📍 Elmira - home office
🎶 Mike Candys - Gucci Slides

FRESH HELL: 86 IT FROM ORBIT
it may have won nanowrimo 2013 but at what cost
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Previously on Fresh Hell: 86 It From Orbit:

“Here, this is for you.” She smiled at him and Aodhan hesitantly took the flower before her dog barked and ran off, pulling the girl.
“Ah! Mary! Wait, Mary!”
He watched her run off before contemplating the flower. He placed it in the billfold section of his wallet
WHEN I READ THIS PART TO MY WIFE SHE LITERALLY SAID
"Wallet? What wallet?? Heero doesn't carry a wallet! He just shoves everything in his shorts!"

Meanwhile I was like "why the fuck would he put it in a wallet it would get crushed, the stem would get broken in half, what the absolute fuck"

WELCOME BACK EVERYONE to part four of I Know It's a Rough Draft But What Happens When the Rough Draft is Irredeemable Shit? aka Let the Sun Fade Out. I am your host Karu, and this is my co-host Morticia.

(Karu gestures to a purring Void on their lap. Her ears twitch and she purrs louder. Something catches her attention and she resigns her co-host position effective immediately.)

I swear to god she fucking knows when I'm about to spork some shit lmao.

( what even is this chapter, Karu asks, at the start of every chapter. )

The good news: we have two more chapters of this!
The bad news: we still have the "soft reset" to do.
The worst news: I have to fucking type all seven of those chapters up and I am not looking forward to it.

💭 sore
📍 Elmira - home office
🎶 Excision, Sullivan King, Kai Wachi - Bonebreaker

17 October
We went upstate to visit family and celebrate Serena's birthday with them... We left here in the afternoon and drove the almost two hours (it's like an hour and 45 minutes or something like that), where we discovered that the bit of 17 before it turns into the 390 had zig-zagging lane dividing lines because for whatever reason they didn't just...paint over the old lines if it was something like them changing the width of the lanes (since 17 is becoming an interstate). We ended up going out for dinner at a diner in Batavia and the food was really good actually. I had a BLT sandwich wrap with the best fries I've ever had. After we went to Walmart because my in-laws needed to do some shopping at Walmart and we purchased a big black cat Squishmallow named Cleo. She reminded us of Bean and I couldn't resist.

18 October
Christina and Fernando were hosting a birthday dinner and some desserts for Serena's birthday. It was really exhausting because of two young kids, you know, being kids, so between them running around screaming and jumping and the one dog barking for no reason and just. socializing in general. Dinner was pizza from a local place where the crust was pretty fucking thick and doughy. It was tasty but my jaw ended up hurting... There ended up being political talk...which neither Serena nor myself appreciated because this side of the family isn't like, sipping that MAGA Kool aid, but they still think Trump is going to save the country and that he's going to help out Not Rich People, even though you and I both know he couldn't give a single fuck about people who don't have money.

19 October
My wife's actual birthday. We wanted to visit Grandma Mona but unfortunately life never works out how you want it to, so she just called instead. We'll be up for Thanksgiving for a (slightly) longer period of time, so we can pick a weekend day or something. We did visit the cemetery and it was a really nice day out so it was an enjoyable walk. My MIL's grave is literally in the woods (the "natural section" of the cemetery is basically woods so it's a nature walk). It was bittersweet. My wife shouldn't have to visit her mother in a cemetery on her birthday... We'd stopped at Timmy's before heading over to the cemetery and then we drove home to our girls and to our comfy bed, because the one we'd been sleeping on was too soft for my broken body lmao

20 October (today)
Had a doctor's appointment today. I really like our doctor because she actually listens to us. She's not telling my wife all of her health problems are because she's overweight and she should go on Ozempic or that other weight loss drug. Our doctor understands that because of my wife's thyroid not being able to thyroid, her metabolism is fucked and it's hard for her to lose weight. She asks how our antidepressants are working and if they're no longer doing what they should be, she gives a bunch of suggestions as to where we can go next: "Should we up the dose? Should we switch to a different medication? You want to switch to another medication? Okay, here's the first line of antidepressants, which would you like to try? I typically prescribe Prozac or Lexapro, and for your kind of symptoms Lexapro would be more effective. You want to try that one? Okay, I'll take you off the bupropion and put you on Lexapro."

we got flu vaxx

we got COVID booster

we got pap smear scheduled and I think at that appointment I'm going to ask about the Gardasil vaccine because Egg never had me get it and by the time I was old enough to make that choice myself, I never had money to go to a doctor of any kind to get it done, and then I'd aged out of being able to get it. But the good news is, you can now get it up to age 45. and I want to get it. It's a series of three shots. It was brand new when I was in high school but Egg didn't let me get it because it was brand new and "you don't know what kind of side effects or problems it causes, they don't know" and it's like. the FDA doesn't just randomly approve vaccines unless there's an emergency reason (like COVID), there were clinical tests and everything done before they approved the HPV vaccine. And she was like "well when you're 18 you can get it yourself." And by the time I had a chance to get it, I was too old.

So I wanna do that.

FRESH HELL: 86 IT FROM ORBIT
it may have won nanowrimo 2013 but at what cost
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Previously on Fresh Hell: 86 It From Orbit:

His uncle ‘half-asssed his way to glory’ (according to his father). He looked up at the screen, poised and ready.
Test me all you want, he thought, as the screens lit up. I’ll prove I’m not worthless.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS DOOHICKEY IS CALLED???

like Seis Clark, who is Heero's stepfather in FT, created the goddamn Leo, and you are telling me renamed Heero is like IDK WHAT ANYTHING IS in a fucking mobile suit cockpit???

WELCOME BACK EVERYONE to part three of Karu is Going to End Up With a Drinking Problem Again and It's Fanfiction's Fault aka Let the Sun Fade Out. I am your host Karu, speaking to you at 0538 because despite me taking melatonin at like, 0300, I am only kind of sleepy. So why not do this as my cat makes biscuits on my thigh???

I had my trusty spork on standby but it's become quite clear to me that the buster rifle is needed as the spork is not powerful enough for *gestures vaguely* whatever the fuck this travesty is.

"But Karu, you still can't wield the buster rifle without a Gundam, and you don't even know how to pilot one!"
I am probably better at piloting Wing than "Aodhan" is lmao considering he doesn't know what the fuck anything is even called.

( If you're familiar with Heero's Endless Waltz flashback, I suggest you leave now because this completely butchers it. )

Goddamn this is fucking awful. And it doesn't get better from here...

💭 lethargic
📍 Elmira - home office
🎶 Jannik Vistisen - Be the One

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Navigation

let's get down to business...to defeat the huns

healthcare in this country fucking sucks

a most important update

a new year that consists of a new me

and I repeatedly ask myself "what is the point of this exercise"

maybe the spambots will get bored eventually...

greetings & salutations

it's been 12 years, i think it's time to give this an update

maybe an asteroid should crash into earth and wipe humanity out...

it is the end of an era; i feel like duo does at the end of endless waltz...

do I have to make this a series too?

omg no talk him, him angy

second full week of NaNoWriMo...

[FRESH HELL: 86 IT FROM ORBIT] it may have won nanowrimo 2013 but at what cost [6/6]

6 days until that 30 day writing challenge everyone is still going to do every year...

let's hear it for day 3!

[FRESH HELL: 86 IT FROM ORBIT] it may have won nanowrimo 2013 but at what cost [5/6]

[FRESH HELL: 86 IT FROM ORBIT] it may have won nanowrimo 2013 but at what cost [4/6]

bit of a life update...

[FRESH HELL: 86 IT FROM ORBIT] it may have won nanowrimo 2013 but at what cost [3/6]