do you believe you can walk on water?

Saturday after work we drove up. made it by like 1930 which wasn't bad at all tbh
we had pizza and then passed the fuck out lmao

Sunday... we met Geoff and Melissa (BIL and SIL) at Eileen's apartment. The senior living complex is so nice and her apt was so cute??? she had it decorated and everything... And she never got to enjoy it because she was in hospital more that she was ever in her apt. there wasn't much left since Melissa had been selling shit on FB Marketplace so it was just really big furniture items left. Serena went through everything pretty quick and some things were already set aside for us... like the KitchenAid mixer.

yes.

an actual KitchenAid mixer. that was never used because Eileen never got the chance. it's pink and it's heavy and I love it like this is a fucking mixer that costs a few hundos and we got it for NOTHING. CAN YOU IMAGINE all of the baking we will now do? omg. and Eileen would love it because we will then do all sorts of baking projects with it and that's what she would want. for Serena and I to bake together and use all of these things. because then it's like the three of us baking.

there were other kitchen things that we took, a lot of it was sentimental things from when she and Serena would bake together when Serena was little. we found an antique (possibly, it's def vintage) vanity set that was Great Grandmother Dimino's. it's a tray for your things like perfumes, a hairbrush, a BEAUTIFUL hand mirror, and a compact (that was missing). so obviously I took that because that is the kind of shit I live for. it's an heirloom. it's beautiful. we are gonna put it on the dresser at home!

there were cat figurines and a lot of them had missing paws or something but we took them anyway because they are antique and from Aunt Dim (Serena's great aunt) who was the quintessential cat lady who owned cat everything and always had a Siamese cat. and it's not like we're selling them so who cares, it adds character and now they're very special kitties.

we could not take "the goat chest" which is an antique steamer trunk from when the 2x-great-grandparents came from Sicily. they stashed an actual goat in it. no idea if it was dead or alive but it was an actual goat and that is why it's called the goat chest. it's actually in horrendous shape (like basically falling apart) and it won't fit in the Fiesta so we actually couldn't take it (originally we were going to). my dad had a steamer trunk from his grandfather that I think maybe Rob took? I don't remember. I would love a steamer trunk and I will probably buy one at some point (they're not cheap tho).

but yeah.

Eileen had apparently done some Christmas shopping and Geoff gave us those things because she bought them for us.

so yeah I think we took... 6 or 7 boxes maybe? it wasn't a lot compared to like. everything that was still there. but it all fit in the car.

what completely gutted me outside of the fact that Eileen never got to actually live in the apt was... in the bathroom was a cat litter pan, a thing of litter, a scoop, cat toys and treats, and food and water dishes. Eileen so desperately wanted and looked forward to having a cat. all she wanted was to live independently and have a cat and she couldn't have any of that. it's like she was punished for wanting that, for trying to have that.

so when we left it was a very heavy feeling because we shouldn't have had any of the things we had in the car, in the car. because these should've been enjoyed by Eileen.

so after that we went over to Geoff's because there was a small gathering and we were gonna go through pictures to find things for the memorial board Marin (my niece-in-law) wanted to put together. Geoff also said if we found pics we liked we were free to take them. which is what we did! which is how we found the picture frame with the pic of Serena and Mike. behind the pic of Serena and I that we used for our engagement photo. so I did what Serena told me I could do when/if we found that photo, and now it's just Serena and a random disembodied arm lmao. (I'll crop it properly when we're home because I have a paper trimmer I can use)

So yeah. we have a fuckton of photos now. I need to get an actual photo album (like a nice one) so I can put them away and not have them ruined. I would also like to frame some of them and have them decorating the hall

finally got to meet Kathy's other son Michael and his son Zach (they lived in Colorado and then Nevada before moving down to Maryland). we also got to meet Geoff and Melissa's cats Zoe (said as zoh, not zohee) who is this gorgeous tortie tabby. and Link, a chonky ginger boy who def has the Triforce of Courage (because yes, that is where the name comes from)

it should be stated that I married into a legit cat family like. Dad and Sherri have two boys (Razzy and Squeakers who are father-son-uncle-brother cats)(yes really)(Razzy is the product of incest and Squeakers is as well because Razzy did the do with his sister-mom)

Christina has a cat, Julie has a cat (at least one), Kathy has two (Buddy and Chester), Grandma has one (Diva), Mike has four (Seven of Nine, Jean Luc, and Data, I forget the fourth one's name but it's another Trek red) (plus two dogs)

Zach has one (Bob), Andy has two... You get the picture. (Serena and I have Sadie and Saru)

there's a lot of cats they're a big deal lmao and I come from a cat family too (my aunt when I was growing up had cats and my great-aunt did as well)

SO. there was pizza and buffalo wings and they were really good and they were from Wegmans and I had no idea Wegmans had things like this??????

anyway the food was good

I ended up having major sensory overload towards the end of the night but I still had a good time and it was nice to finally meet Michael! this retired Marine I've heard so many awesome things about but couldn't meet because he lived on the other side of the country! now he's in Baltimore! he can come to things!

we came back to Dad and Sherri's and reheated some lasagna that Sherri made (it was one of the Stouffer's ones so she didn't make it from scratch like she usually does)

SO THEN MONDAY rolls around, which was the burial. Eileen wanted her ashes to be mixed with Harley's (her favourite dog) and Rusty's (her favourite cat). No one could find Rusty's ashes but everyone was pretty sure Harley's and Rusty's got mixed together (Eileen talked about wanting to do that) so Geoff put them in there along with the memorial paw print for Harley and his fave chew toy.

Grandma wanted the reverend of her church to speak at the funeral and because it would make her happy Geoff and Serena said yes. she was the same minister who married Geoff and Melissa. the service was very nice. I've always loved Protestant funerals because they are short, sweet, and concise. no longer than 30 minutes.

this had the typical story about Martha and Lazarus and it also had a recitation of Psalm 23 which I haven't heard at a funeral but it's actually p typical and I am familiar with both but I didn't recite anything because not my religion and like, it did feel awkward because literally my wife's family are very Methodist lmao but it was fine

I got to finally meet Laura (Sadie's previous owner and my BIL's ex wife) who I've been friends with on FB for. like. ever at this point? so that was nice. like it's unfortunate that we all had to meet each other under these circumstances but they say that two things are able to bring everyone together: weddings and funerals.

so after the ground had been blessed Geoff placed the box with her ashes in and Harley's paw print and Serena put in the chew toy. Mona put the flowers on the rock where her plaque was going to be inserted. this should've been reversed where Eileen was putting flowers on her mother's grave, not the other way around. you should never outlive your own children.

so then we went back to Grandma's for the repass. Geoff ordered food from Rubino's which was Eileen's fave place and the food was really good. Sherri made brownies and there were three left over at the end of the night that Serena and I ate on the way back lmao

Geoff had us come downstairs to the basement where Eileen was before her apt to go through her things. the priority for us was books. a lot of them were Serena's great-aunt's and I love old vintage books. there were also a bunch of cookbooks we wanted to go through too as well as different knickknacks.

so we went thru the books and Kathy's husband who no one likes (idk if Kathy even likes him) came down and was going over how he wanted to look at this thing and that thing and "these all go for a lot of money" and just. talked about the $$$ as if he was at a fucking antique store or something
and he made the most insensitive comment

Melissa had come down to get away from everyone upstairs (like Serena and I, Mel is very introverted) so she is my witness. Mark (why are all assholes named this) said something like "it's not like this stuff means anything anymore, it's not like it's owned by anyone, Eileen is gone and has no use for this stuff" and Mel and I looked at each other and mouthed what the fuck.

first of all, it is owned by someone: Geoff and Serena. because it's Eileen's estate and the beneficiaries of it are her two kids.

second of all: it does mean something to someone, or else Geoff and Serena and Melissa and I wouldn't be going through things.

we were boxing up books that we were going to take and he kept going through them and talking about how these books have value, "I'm an expert" (he says he's an expert in everything; he's not).
I'll take pics when I can of the books I took that were Aunt Dim's but the condition alone for most of them would make them virtually worthless in terms of monetary value. like there are no first editions of things, nothing. just old books that were well loved by a cat lady we all adore.

but also get your fucking hands off these books they are my wife's and mine and I am only going thru things because I have my wife's permission. she is one of the beneficiaries. we took most of the cookbooks and a decent chunk of Aunt Dim's and if there is something valuable in those boxes even better because it means Mark can't make money off of it. it is in my hands going on my bookshelves where I will fucking enjoy them and that? that is fucking priceless. you can't put a price on heirlooms.

we took more of Aunt Dim's figurines that are probably worth something as well as this really nice music box that is also probably worth something and it's not going to be sold by that asshole. also
we found the compact that goes with the vanity set. AND I found antique cosmetic mirrors and compacts (that are also a set) that we also took and they're so fucking pretty. so pretty.

so yeah. because I don't trust the asshole I was determined to make the five boxes of stuff (mostly books) fit in Serena's car and they fit perfectly with room to spare so like. fuck yes.

I didn't want him taking shit out of the boxes
he won't get any of this shit
but like who says something like that
why would you say something like that when the deceased's family is right fucking there
all he sees is dollar signs
disgusting

but Mel was also saying she had to tell him to fuck off because he kept calling Geoff like every day asking about this thing or that thing or some other things (if there was value to these things) and she took the phone and said "you need to stop calling, this is ridiculous"

"karu why didn't you say something" because I would've punched him in his goddamn asshole face after calling him a douchebag so like

yeah

if it happens again I will make a comment because what the fuck

I know this is just gonna go out into the void but I needed to put it somewhere.

today I came back from taking my mother to the doctor, went to make a cuppa because it's cold and I wanted some tea and my wife turned around in her chair and told me

"so, update: she only has hours to live."

I don't know what I have and haven't discussed on here about my MIL but it doesn't matter because it all culminated into the fact that she is dying.

none of the treatments are really working—

or they work for a bit and then stop being effective—

or the treatment will just make things a lot worse and not better—

I think you get the gist.

and we live five hours away so even if they waited to stop treatment until we got there, there was no guarantee that she would be alive long enough even with all these fancy medical treatments and machines keeping her alive for us to see her one last time. so my wife told them to stop treatment after her brother arrived. Which I'm guessing they did. And they would begin making sure that she was as comfortable as she could be.

her brother was nice enough to call once he was there (he brought his wife too) so that she could talk to her. that she loves her and will miss her and her weekly (or so it seemed like it was weekly) phone calls and I felt like the most useless spouse in the world because I could do nothing except stand there rubbing her shoulder. at one point I brought one of the cats over because cats are So Good at being just Comfort in a fur covered friend shape. You know? I stood there eating a fucking Hot Pocket (because I was hungry, it was lunch time) contemplating what the fuck one does in a situation like this because you know what?

I've lost a parent before. Not like this—my dad's death was very quick and very sudden—but I still have the vaguest of memories of standing there in the hospital room with him on the bed and just. the surrealness of the situation. surely this wasn't actually happening. surely there was a mistake, surely—

it's the same thing in this situation except it's not my parent—it's my wife's. There is no sense of "unfinished business" or anything like that. For me it's more, "I want her to be at peace and have an easy transition to the next journey of her life." But I know what it's like to be in my wife's shoes. To lose a parent fucking sucks and my dad, for example, has been gone 21 years, and it still fucking sucks. Every birthday, every holiday, every event, it all fucking sucks because he isn't there for it and it always sucks even more when it's near holidays because then the first holiday without them is like. a month or a week or two days after. (My dad died in October. Thanksgiving and Christmas were the worst and still continue to be the worst.)

I still feel like a shit spouse because I don't know what to do or what to say. I brought the cat over, I rubbed her shoulders, I gave her kisses on her head, I gave her distraction when she wanted it. Everyone tells me I'm doing everything right. That that's all I can do.

I feel like I could do more but what can I do that I'm not already doing? When she's hurting I would do anything to make that hurt go away and get rid of whatever is causing it. And maybe that's what bothers me the most—I don't have any control over this situation. All I can do is be there with her and for her, give her comfort when she wants it, distraction when she needs it, and help her forge a new "normal".

That new normal fucking sucks and I can tell you that for a fact. It never stops hurting. Sure the intensity of the pain decreases over time, but it still hurts. It goes from feeling like your soul has been forcibly ripped from your body to a dull but persistent ache that you can ignore for the most part but certain things make it feel so overwhelmingly sharp that it takes your breath away.

So yeah.

I am not religious but I've had literally every goddamn Christian coworker of mine praying for my MIL since September when this was all starting. Everyone has been rooting so hard for a complete recovery and restoration to life. And my Pagan ass has been asking Eir for whatever healing she can muster... It's just not enough.

There is nothing I can do to fix this. This isn't a problem to be solved. I'm not great at dealing with my emotions and my emotions during this time are very confusing to me. I just...I don't know what is going to happen over the next 24 hours, and really no one does no matter what's going on because no one can see the future.

I hate this feeling, this feeling of helplessness because outside of what I'm already doing, I will still feel like I could do something else and what more can I do? Nothing.

Serena and I are trying to figure out logistics to get upstate hopefully Tuesday? if I have to call out of work Thursday I will...call out of work Thursday and even Friday because this is literally a family emergency. like. her surgical wound isn't really healing, she's in a fuckton of pain that meds apparently aren't working on, she has some kind of infection and circulation in her left leg is so shite that she'll "more than likely need that one amputated" (doctor's words) so she would end up becoming a double amputee

oh and on top of all of this and her failing mental health, she has COVID again for the FOURTH TIME

things have gone from bad to worse. the doctor also said that things are at the "life threatening" stage. like she could very well die from all of this so. yeah. that is...that is the state of things.
all of this happened in...less than a month.