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get on my level, yuy
Dec. 23rd, 2024 03:28 pmTomorrow is Christmas Eve... The day where we celebrate Earth being saved by a 15 year old in a 16m tall death machine with a Really Big Fucking Gun (RBFG)™...
Serena and I are nowhere near this point in our rewatch lmao
which is fine, I can watch ep 49 alone (which I might prefer because I end up becoming a huge fucking emotional mess and why would I want to subject someone to that?)
people always ask "why do you get emotional during this when you've seen this 97453849635 times? do you think this time he's not gonna save the day?"
oh no I know nothing changes. nothing in the episode changes it's just that any time I've come back to Gundam Wing it's been some kind of pivotal moment in my life.
I first watched the series not long after my dad passed.
I rewatched it the first time in 2008 and it was like a whole different series (I was going thru shit then too I was always going thru shit).
I came back to the fandom in 2012 and GW became a hyperfixation for me because lots of shit was happening in 2012. Heero was that character I fixated on because I related to him so much and I constantly wondered and still kind of do wonder why and also what does that say about me as a person? (I don't really wonder why because lol I've psychoanalysed Heero twice now.)
Heero was always that like, idk if I wanna use the word "cliche" but that cliched "beacon of light and hope" in my life which is weird to say. and whenever someone asks how or why I just point at ep 49 and go "that's why." Heero is an unhinged disaster of a teenager ok and he goes from that to realising the meaning of life and how to find purpose within it and that looking towards the future isn't a bad thing after all. he's never needed to look at the future because he always assumed he'd be dead before it mattered but now it does and also death is staring him in the face. every time Heero was given a chance to give in and give up he didn't. it was always one of those "I'm gonna give it a try and if it goes bad well I'll be dead so SHRUG"
and he always came out alive in the end
the whole "my card isn't up yet" line
but then you have a very real life or death situation most people would throw their hands up at and go NOPE CAN'T BE DONE but Heero is just like
if I fuck up we're all dead anyway right? so we may as well try, we might succeed.
Heero would rather die than just throw up his hands going NOPE
death literally staring him in the face he has like a 0.000001 percent chance of succeeding the odds are NOT in his favour everything is shorting out around him he very well could die, not even due to Libra it's due to idk his fucking cockpit blowing up
does Heero care? no
"Ore ga shinanai" is basically "I won't die" and the way Heero says it it's more like I refuse to die. as with a lot of Heero's most impactful (to me) lines it's all about the delivery for me and in Japanese this literally knocked the wind out of me and sent me into hysterics... and when I wrote my first meta on Heero and I revisited this scene from an analytical lens...it sent me into hysterics again...because this is the literal culmination of 48 episodes' worth of characterisation. Heero going from "I don't really give a fuck if I die who cares?" to "I don't want to die and won't die because I found a reason to think about what my future looks like"
it was that point in my meta I had an emotional breakdown because oh. oh no. I feel really fucking called out???
Heero lived to see the war end—I got to live to see my own personal war end.
did I think I would be here in a house that has my name is on the deed? no. never.
did I think I'd be here in my early-not-quite-mid 30s? roflmao no—I never saw myself living till 18. I have lived 14 years longer than I ever intended.
I never saw a life outside of abuse and yet here I am, I made it to the end of this book and I'm ready to start an entirely new one. I don't have to dream of one day reaching the finish line so to speak that Heero reached because I'm there and you know what? Heero's got some catching up to do. I beat pretty impossible odds and I should be proud of myself. people should be proud of me, and are proud of me.
I don't need Heero anymore... I feel like...watching ep 49 is like saying goodbye to an old friend whose shoulder I leaned on so much throughout childhood and early adulthood and now I'm able to stand on my own two feet, I'm in a better place to be able to cope and cope in a healthy manner... And that's good! But it's also bittersweet. It means I'm getting better.
I know if I need Heero again I can always watch Gundam Wing again but I am trying to go beyond the escapist techniques we've been using our entire existence.
For the first time in my life I can write a post-canon Heero from a place of healing instead of us both bumbling around like fools trying to figure life out.
Serena and I are nowhere near this point in our rewatch lmao
which is fine, I can watch ep 49 alone (which I might prefer because I end up becoming a huge fucking emotional mess and why would I want to subject someone to that?)
people always ask "why do you get emotional during this when you've seen this 97453849635 times? do you think this time he's not gonna save the day?"
oh no I know nothing changes. nothing in the episode changes it's just that any time I've come back to Gundam Wing it's been some kind of pivotal moment in my life.
I first watched the series not long after my dad passed.
I rewatched it the first time in 2008 and it was like a whole different series (I was going thru shit then too I was always going thru shit).
I came back to the fandom in 2012 and GW became a hyperfixation for me because lots of shit was happening in 2012. Heero was that character I fixated on because I related to him so much and I constantly wondered and still kind of do wonder why and also what does that say about me as a person? (I don't really wonder why because lol I've psychoanalysed Heero twice now.)
Heero was always that like, idk if I wanna use the word "cliche" but that cliched "beacon of light and hope" in my life which is weird to say. and whenever someone asks how or why I just point at ep 49 and go "that's why." Heero is an unhinged disaster of a teenager ok and he goes from that to realising the meaning of life and how to find purpose within it and that looking towards the future isn't a bad thing after all. he's never needed to look at the future because he always assumed he'd be dead before it mattered but now it does and also death is staring him in the face. every time Heero was given a chance to give in and give up he didn't. it was always one of those "I'm gonna give it a try and if it goes bad well I'll be dead so SHRUG"
and he always came out alive in the end
the whole "my card isn't up yet" line
but then you have a very real life or death situation most people would throw their hands up at and go NOPE CAN'T BE DONE but Heero is just like
if I fuck up we're all dead anyway right? so we may as well try, we might succeed.
Heero would rather die than just throw up his hands going NOPE
death literally staring him in the face he has like a 0.000001 percent chance of succeeding the odds are NOT in his favour everything is shorting out around him he very well could die, not even due to Libra it's due to idk his fucking cockpit blowing up
does Heero care? no
"Ore ga shinanai" is basically "I won't die" and the way Heero says it it's more like I refuse to die. as with a lot of Heero's most impactful (to me) lines it's all about the delivery for me and in Japanese this literally knocked the wind out of me and sent me into hysterics... and when I wrote my first meta on Heero and I revisited this scene from an analytical lens...it sent me into hysterics again...because this is the literal culmination of 48 episodes' worth of characterisation. Heero going from "I don't really give a fuck if I die who cares?" to "I don't want to die and won't die because I found a reason to think about what my future looks like"
it was that point in my meta I had an emotional breakdown because oh. oh no. I feel really fucking called out???
Heero lived to see the war end—I got to live to see my own personal war end.
did I think I would be here in a house that has my name is on the deed? no. never.
did I think I'd be here in my early-not-quite-mid 30s? roflmao no—I never saw myself living till 18. I have lived 14 years longer than I ever intended.
I never saw a life outside of abuse and yet here I am, I made it to the end of this book and I'm ready to start an entirely new one. I don't have to dream of one day reaching the finish line so to speak that Heero reached because I'm there and you know what? Heero's got some catching up to do. I beat pretty impossible odds and I should be proud of myself. people should be proud of me, and are proud of me.
I don't need Heero anymore... I feel like...watching ep 49 is like saying goodbye to an old friend whose shoulder I leaned on so much throughout childhood and early adulthood and now I'm able to stand on my own two feet, I'm in a better place to be able to cope and cope in a healthy manner... And that's good! But it's also bittersweet. It means I'm getting better.
I know if I need Heero again I can always watch Gundam Wing again but I am trying to go beyond the escapist techniques we've been using our entire existence.
For the first time in my life I can write a post-canon Heero from a place of healing instead of us both bumbling around like fools trying to figure life out.
