do you believe you can walk on water?

I've been in a weird sort of mental spiral... A fever dream of extreme anxiety brought on by Nothing mixed with depression brought on by Nothing exasperated by Something. To the point where it's hard for me to function because my brain is completely consumed by depression and anxiety loops that are hard for me to break free from.

there are things that I need to do like get legal shit handled with Egg's estate and for some reason that's caused this huge anxiety spiral that has been all consuming. Like why am I extremely anxious over doing something that wouldn't bother anyone else and wouldn't normally bother me this bad or cause me this much distress? I would just make the appointments or talk to whoever I needed to talk to and get whatever shit handled, handled.

Of course then you add in people trying to give advice. Go to this place, go to that place, have you tried these places??

Anxiety brought on by Nothing now exasperated by Overwhelm mixed with Depression brought on by Nothing exasperated by Something.

I know why I'm in this mental whirlwind. I'll become less of a mess in a week or so...so I will handle all this shit then. When I am a lot less anxious and depressed and overwhelmed.

...to really do much in the form of updates and also been busy, you know, packing and setting things up in the house.

So let's break these things down...

( Stardew Valley 1.6 Console/Mobile Update - SPOILERS! )

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( Moving stuff )

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( House Update )

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( Election... Just. Election. )

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I spent all of Wednesday in a complete fog. Wandering my house checking random boxes, not even knowing what I was looking for or what I was trying to do. Aleks tried to swap out the door latch on our storm door only to find out we're lacking at least one tool but it doesn't matter anyway because all it needed was a different strike plate (where the latch "catches" so that the door remains closed) so it's fine. I guess if we want a different latch at some point we can just buy metal shears or something. I don't know. We tried to keep busy, and because I hate silence I had the police/EMS scanner on in the background telling us what 911 calls were going out in Tioga, or Steuben, or Tompkins, or even Chemung. My thoughts went back to Clarion Inn Guy who ended up dying in the pool in what was ruled an accident. No one could reach him because he was all the way at the bottom of the pool. The call for that went out for 20 consecutive minutes but emergency response and subsequent mutual aid was tied up with a bunch of MVAs involving deer (one guy's car was completely totalled).

We have cat themed bathroom signs I wanted hung up but we didn't have nails and Aleks just said "fuck it" and reorganized the linen cabinet out in the upstairs hall, putting our box hair dye away and figuring out what shelf would be the first aid/medicine one and does this screw need to be tightened? He tightened screws for the railings. I ripped up the stair treads, not that there was anything wrong with them but I wanted something that didn't require vacuuming at some point. I ended up using some of the old ones anyway for the landings.

The rug tape the kit came with sucks and we'll need better ones. Gorilla makes rug mats you can cut to size and I've used them before and they work really well. Maybe we'll spring for that. For now they're there and as far as I know aren't a trip hazard since the tread is also attached to the rug tape still there (and still quite sticky).

We ate our cake. It wasn't a time for celebrating, but mourning. Conspiracy theories abound on social media; talks about Russian interference and Elon Musk interfering and someone else interfering as if people are just discovering that American elections aren't won, they're bought like everything else in this country my ancestors fought to create and would weep over how fall it's all fallen. These same politicians claiming that this is what the Founding Fathers wanted when the Constitution states otherwise just like how they say Jesus Christ himself wants Trump in the White House and everyone else thinks he's the third antichrist Nostradamus predicted hundreds of years ago and he's definitely no friend of Jesus and would try to deport him instead.

As someone with a presumably working uterus who can maybe get pregnant, I feel like a hypothetical baby has a lot more rights than I do as someone decreed "female" at birth, even though abortion access and rights will be enshrined in my state's constitution, there is no guarantee the federal government won't try to force each and every state to ban it. Boys fresh out of preschool and men old enough to be my father alike are telling little girls and women your body, my choice.

As someone who identifies as trans and has many a trans brother, sister, and sibling, I'm not even considered a person. I am an abomination who needs to be "corrected". I'm not straight and I'm not in a heterosexual marriage so I am still lesser, I am still without agency and without personhood status. And many of my trans siblings feel this way too, and are scared, nay frightened, of what's coming. What's going to happen to my marriage? Again, New York's state constitution says that same-sex marriage is legal and valid, but how long until the federal government forces states to invalidate it?

There are many questions and no answers.

We cannot allow this to consume us lest we end up stuck in this endless swirl of despair. We have to move forward and if we must fight for everything that we lost then so be it. We will fight. We will raise hell. We will throw bricks and Molotov cocktails.

We will not go quietly into the night.