omaewokorosu: (Half-smile)
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve... The day where we celebrate Earth being saved by a 15 year old in a 16m tall death machine with a Really Big Fucking Gun (RBFG)™...

Serena and I are nowhere near this point in our rewatch lmao

which is fine, I can watch ep 49 alone (which I might prefer because I end up becoming a huge fucking emotional mess and why would I want to subject someone to that?)

people always ask "why do you get emotional during this when you've seen this 97453849635 times? do you think this time he's not gonna save the day?"

oh no I know nothing changes. nothing in the episode changes it's just that any time I've come back to Gundam Wing it's been some kind of pivotal moment in my life.

I first watched the series not long after my dad passed.
I rewatched it the first time in 2008 and it was like a whole different series (I was going thru shit then too I was always going thru shit).
I came back to the fandom in 2012 and GW became a hyperfixation for me because lots of shit was happening in 2012. Heero was that character I fixated on because I related to him so much and I constantly wondered and still kind of do wonder why and also what does that say about me as a person? (I don't really wonder why because lol I've psychoanalysed Heero twice now.)

Heero was always that like, idk if I wanna use the word "cliche" but that cliched "beacon of light and hope" in my life which is weird to say. and whenever someone asks how or why I just point at ep 49 and go "that's why." Heero is an unhinged disaster of a teenager ok and he goes from that to realising the meaning of life and how to find purpose within it and that looking towards the future isn't a bad thing after all. he's never needed to look at the future because he always assumed he'd be dead before it mattered but now it does and also death is staring him in the face. every time Heero was given a chance to give in and give up he didn't. it was always one of those "I'm gonna give it a try and if it goes bad well I'll be dead so SHRUG"

and he always came out alive in the end

the whole "my card isn't up yet" line

but then you have a very real life or death situation most people would throw their hands up at and go NOPE CAN'T BE DONE but Heero is just like
if I fuck up we're all dead anyway right? so we may as well try, we might succeed.

Heero would rather die than just throw up his hands going NOPE
death literally staring him in the face he has like a 0.000001 percent chance of succeeding the odds are NOT in his favour everything is shorting out around him he very well could die, not even due to Libra it's due to idk his fucking cockpit blowing up
  
does Heero care? no

"Ore ga shinanai" is basically "I won't die" and the way Heero says it it's more like I refuse to die. as with a lot of Heero's most impactful (to me) lines it's all about the delivery for me and in Japanese this literally knocked the wind out of me and sent me into hysterics... and when I wrote my first meta on Heero and I revisited this scene from an analytical lens...it sent me into hysterics again...because this is the literal culmination of 48 episodes' worth of characterisation. Heero going from "I don't really give a fuck if I die who cares?" to "I don't want to die and won't die because I found a reason to think about what my future looks like"
 
it was that point in my meta I had an emotional breakdown because oh. oh no. I feel really fucking called out???

Heero lived to see the war end—I got to live to see my own personal war end.
did I think I would be here in a house that has my name is on the deed? no. never.   
did I think I'd be here in my early-not-quite-mid 30s? roflmao no—I never saw myself living till 18. I have lived 14 years longer than I ever intended.

I never saw a life outside of abuse and yet here I am, I made it to the end of this book and I'm ready to start an entirely new one. I don't have to dream of one day reaching the finish line so to speak that Heero reached because I'm there and you know what? Heero's got some catching up to do. I beat pretty impossible odds and I should be proud of myself. people should be proud of me, and are proud of me.

I don't need Heero anymore... I feel like...watching ep 49 is like saying goodbye to an old friend whose shoulder I leaned on so much throughout childhood and early adulthood and now I'm able to stand on my own two feet, I'm in a better place to be able to cope and cope in a healthy manner... And that's good! But it's also bittersweet. It means I'm getting better.

I know if I need Heero again I can always watch Gundam Wing again but I am trying to go beyond the escapist techniques we've been using our entire existence.

For the first time in my life I can write a post-canon Heero from a place of healing instead of us both bumbling around like fools trying to figure life out.
omaewokorosu: (Default)
So I was reading, for old time sake (as well as to add onto old !emblanon entries I made years ago) Emblanon... And I stumbled upon this comment thread about Marth in FE12. So you don't have to click the original thread (unless you want to, I can't exactly stop anyone from doing so), I'll just quote the question here:
Why do people keep saying Marth is "crazy" in FE12? I'm just wondering. What kind of crazy? PTSD? Batshit crazy? Is the whole thing just exaggerated for humor in this community?

Definitely the "PTSD" kind of issue-problem, yeah.

The first comment quotes a fan translation of FE12's prologue:
From TheEnd's translation on the SerenesForest.net forum:

***
End of prologue 4 (rather literal translation):

[...]
Elice: Hero King... huh. It seems he's called that way by the people. However, the true Marth is a very fragile, easily hurt child.
MU: Lord Marth, weak...?
Elice: Yes. Indeed, that child faced Medeus in the last battle and won. That child has grand ideals, and a strong will to hold those ideals. However, as you know, you can't save anyone in the real world with just ideals.
MU: Yes...
Elice: As we speak, people may be losing their lives right now in places we could seldom imagine... Marth cannot save them.
MU: But... no matter how great a king might be, he is no god. He isn't almighty. As a human, there's a limit to what he can do.
Elice: Indeed, that's how it is. Usually, people take note of reality and make compromises between that reality and their ideals. However, that child cannot do this... he wants to save everyone, from the bottom of his heart. In the war, if even one of his companions fall... that's very hard for him to stand. He controls it with his powerful will, but his heart is hurt and bleeds as result.
MU: ...
Elice: It's very difficult for that child to keep holding those ideals in this harsh world... MU, if you're to become a knight... please, protect that child. Protect his ideals...
***
Make of that what you will. Certainly doesn't sound positive for a young adult on the verge of getting married.

Now if you remember me from...the days where I was active in Archanea (and how much I disliked FE12 because of the whole MyUnit thing), you'll maybe remember how much ire this exchange between Elice and Chris (MU) brought me. It is a very, VERY literal translation from Japanese, and thus hasn't gone through any sort of "localisation process" like the official releases have. Taking this as it is, it makes Marth out to be some guy who can't function and acts like a child. That he can't handle reality as it is presented. Sounds like he can't handle being the commander of his own kingdom's military, let alone be king.

Read more... )

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