do you believe you can walk on water?

Bitty is a lot more adventurous now... For one thing, she will actually wander around the first floor and sniff things before marking them. I know she's trying to create an internal map of her surroundings, because that's what cats do, and she's still a little nervous about the changes happening all around her. This is her first FULL day here at the house, and basically it's like we brought her inside for the very first time. So it's gonna take a few days for her to consider this "home".

It's nice being able to have an Actual Breakfast. I did sleep okay even though I woke up around 6ish and got maaaaybe 6.5 hours of sleep according to Pokemon Sleep...my sleep score wasn't that great lol and outside of the dry throat and congestion typical for this time of year for me (because of the heat), I woke up okay. The bedding situation, though not ideal, wasn't terrible either. Despite the two blankets I was still kind of cold lol... (We have a ceiling fan we have on at night to better circulate the heat.) I miss having a duvet...

The bedding should be arriving today along with a bunch of other things, so... I will have my duvet tonight and be able to snuggle in.

I gotta say this "no internet" thing really fucking sucks. I want to be able to do things on my computer but no internet. Spectrum should be coming tomorrow though, so we should have internet before we leave to go back downstate for things.

But not today. Breakfast was fried egg, turkey bacon, and pepper cheese on an English muffin and it was so nice to have like, Actual Food instead of just snacking on whatever we had lying around and calling that "breakfast". We have our own fridge and freezer for things now, that we can stock up with all sorts of food and produce.

Aleks wanted to try out the shower since he'd never showered at home before, and I needed one anyway, so why not? He spent the first like 5-10 minutes just standing under the shower head because it felt good, the water pressure is forceful enough that it massages your scalp and muscles without being too harsh and that is why our hair feels so clean and any eczema BS is cleared up (for that moment anyway). It's actually able to do something about it. Wash out the shampoo and conditioner instead of leaving residue or whatever because the shower in the house downstate...the water pressure in that bathroom is like...you might as well have someone peeing on you. That's how it is. And that explains why the toilet is constantly needing to be plungered, and the sink too, because there isn't enough force for anything to work properly. It's gotten worse and worse and at this point I wonder when that toilet and shower will be unusable.

Not my problem though, that's an Egg Problem for her to not fix because it's not like she would be using it. God forbid Egg fix anything in her house. She wants all of the perks of being a homeowner but doesn't want to deal with the downsides (doing your own maintenance, getting things fixed/repaired/replaced, renovations, etc.) that come with owning your own house. Whereas Serena and I know that everything is on us and that's what we wanted. Yeah, when you rent you just dial up your landlord if something breaks, but there are a lot of landlords with the same mentality as Egg, where they want that sweet rental income to line their pockets and insulate their mattress, but they don't want to do the work associated with it (having to do maintenance, fixing/repairing/replacing things). But at this point in Egg's life she would be better off renting a place. She can't do any of these things herself and she has no one she can really call outside of her son, who lives almost two hours away.

Like it's nice to have a gas range where all of the burners work! (The stove at Egg's, only two of the burners work now; initially all four worked but within the last year it went down to two working and one that you had to wait a bit for it to ignite, now it's down to just two working [the right side ones] and who knows how long it'll take before only one works? Oh no you guys, Eggikins might have to buy a new stove! Not that she needs one, she doesn't use it for much except to boil water for tea, and she can just use a microwave for that tbh, which she'll probably do once the inevitable happens.) And it's nice to have a house with no weird foundation issues that were pointed out on the inspection report but then gone ahead with purchasing the house anyway for whatever reason...because Egg didn't have a clue as to what she wanted in a house and just went with the house that had first floor bedroom and first floor laundry in the description...

(And it wasn't for accessibility concerns either, because there are things you can do to make things like stairs accessible.)

~*~
WE DROVE DOWN TO PORT and ( Read more... )

A NOTE FROM THE FUTURE [02.02.25]
This is where the "moving sitreps" end. Things ended up getting incredibly stressful and disorganized to the point where we were just shoving things into whatever container fit them which isn't something I would ever recommend... Unfortunately we didn't have much of a choice but to do it this way so we could get out as fast as humanly possible.

Session 1: 11:13-13:15 (1hr32m working time)
WHAT WAS DONE:
* decluttered under the computer desk
* boxed up things on the desk
* unplugged unused cables that went to nothing
* organised what we’re not boxing/bagging up yet
* boxed up the books in front of the TV
* boxed up the stuff on top of the TV

WHAT WILL BE DONE LATER:
* start packing up manga across the hall
* packing up the car
* two boxes of decor (from figures table)
* whatever is on the former GW bookcase
* * minus that Big Blanket box
* gunpla kits
* bag of food (candy corn bag)
* most snacks and sauce packets
* whatever Serena wants to bring
* * the rest of the Baxler boxes?
* whatever packages of things for the house that have arrived

IF EGG HAS A CONFRONTATION:
* the only thing we took was the Thomas Kinkade plate
* * which is ours btw
* * how dare she accuse us of something she has zero evidence of
* * says more about her than us tbh

Session 1: 11:00-13:45 (2.75 hours)

WHAT WAS DONE:
* figures table - keep
* folded down the sides, rotated it, and moved it against the wall
* cleaned it with a cleaning wipe
* area between table and AC
* the first cart - keep
* consolidated everything into one drawer, turned that into a “box”/container
* emptied trash out of reusable bags
* recovered boxes that can be used again

WHAT STILL NEEDS TO BE DONE:
* second cart
* the area in front of the AC to the bookcase

WHAT WILL BE DONE IF POSSIBLE:
* books on the printer tray
* decluttering the desk area
* * where there is likely to be some kind of evidence of rodent activity…

MISCELLANEOUS:
* found mouse droppings right by the first cart
* there were also some by the corner of the computer desk closest to the wall by the baseboard heater in an old food dish
* Serena said she found some in her office space as well…
* no idea if there are any other spots in Karu’s office but so far…there are two.
* we know there are mice in the walls because of Bitty
* not to mention that Bitty caught one a year ago
* found 1 hammer, 1 rubber mallet
* * if Egg asks, we haven’t seen them, last we knew they were with the rest of the tools


Session 2: 15:30-18:00 (2 hours 52 mins)
WHAT WAS DONE TODAY:
* second cart - trash
* * kept the drawers though to use as containers
* the area in front of the AC to the bookcase
* * SO MUCH MOUSE SHIT
* * it seems to not be behind the bookcase unless it’s underneath the baseboard heating idk
* the books on the printer tray
* consolidated a lot of white trash bags into contractor bags
* there are other trash bags that can be shoved into contractor bags but this was to clear space to put things and also who cares if a trash bag is where there’s mouse shit I don’t want boxes there

WHERE WILL WE START TOMORROW?
* decluttering under and around computer desk

WHAT ELSE WILL [HOPEFULLY] BE DONE TOMORROW?
* boxing up whatever wasn’t boxed up in August
* the boxes that are already packed can be taped shut and labelled
* unplug cables from laptop
* box up whatever is left on the desk
* minus computer stuff, that will be handled separately

IF WE GOT ALL THAT, WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO?
* box up books on TV end table

We managed to find a decent amount of boxes that can be reused, so that’s good!

Aleks found…
* ShopRite apron
* * will be great for painting and cleaning because of the pockets!
* grippy gloves (meant for use handling cold/frozen items)
* * can probably also be used for painting and cleaning
* our box cutter from Walmart
* the last missing piece to the RABBIT TEA SET (that keeps haunting him)
* * there should be four cups (and saucers)
* * a teapot (with lid that may or may not be in the RABBIT TEA SET box, but is somewhere safe)
* * a sugar holder (the piece he found today, not yet packed up)
* * the (broken) milk jug
* * * Aleks said he can fix this because it was all big pieces and clean breaks
* * * he found this sandwiched between a box and something soft against the bookcase, like it had fallen off, and considering how high up it was, it couldn’t have been Bitty, so I’m thinking this and the sugar holder were knocked off when that earthquake hit

A NOTE FROM THE FUTURE [02.02.25]:
What we thought were mouse droppings turned out to actually be cockroach droppings which as you can imagine is so much worse than mouse/rodent. Especially since we'd seen some roaches in other, unrelated places but you know that whole saying of "if you see one there's an infestation." By this point we'd seen like. four. What kind of cockroach in particular? German cockroaches, which are notorious for being difficult to eradicate but also, strangely enough, they prefer abandoned buildings and not...really...inhabited dwellings.

Cockroaches are probably the least of Eggberta's problems.

Session 1: 09:00-11:42 (2.22 hours)

WHAT HAS BEEN DONE SO FAR:
* Managed to clean off 99 percent of the garbage and trash on the folding table
* * not to mention most of the trash around the folding table
* the skull canvas bag disintegrated and made a mess that will need to be cleaned up; bag contents went into the plastic shopping bag that has Christmas crafting supplies
* Packed up the rest of the filled journals
* Packed up the knickknacks (“PAGAN ALTAR KNICKKNACKS”) including the incense burner (“FAERIE INCENSE BURNER”)
* the teapot (“RABBIT TEA SET”) top is located inside of the incense burner box
* the katana is in its travel bag by the violin case, the stand is loose and on top of a box on the old GW bookcase
* 2 bags of trash, plus a black bag that only has a small amount of trash in it

WHAT WILL BE PACKED LATER TODAY:
* that crafting metal shelving unit
* what’s left on the folding table
* to then fold the table up to reveal the things underneath it that will need to be packed (either later or tomorrow)

HOPING TO GET TO…
* Nana’s jewellery and jewellery boxes [BEDROOM]
* media tower (DVDs and knickknacks) [K OFFICE]
* underneath folding table
* teal crafting cart

I don’t want to overexert ourselves, especially since we’re not feeling great, so if we only get to the “will be packed” part, that’s perfectly fine. We have Tuesday through Friday to pack and then Friday night things will be put in the car.

Session 2: 12:30-14:13 (2.23 hours)

WHAT HAS BEEN DONE:
* that crafting metal shelving unit
* most of what’s left on the folding table
* * a lot of it is boxed but the boxes aren’t sealed yet
* Got another bag of garbage, it can still have more trash put in it
* A bag of bubble mailers and plastic bags was collected for use as padding delicate/fragile items
* found more ShopRite flyers to use as padding for delicate/fragile items

WHAT WILL BE DONE TOMORROW:
* media tower
* underneath folding table
* teal crafting cart (if possible)

A Note From the Future [02.02.25]
The context leading up to the moment this letter is going to talk about:
First words out of Egg's mouth once we were through the door: "What about the front [weeding the front]?"
"I didn't do any of it. I'm not doing it anymore."
"You can't do that, that's part of the deal."
"What deal?"
"The deal!"
"...what deal?"
"For you to get the big rock."
"Oh I don't care about that. My health is more important."

What the letter is responding directly to:
[s]he yelled with all intentions of us hearing, "Well [Karu], you blew your chance! [Niece] is getting the ring! [pause] Thanks for nothing!"

I heard your 'thanks for nothing'. Here's the list of "nothing" I've done for you:

Getting your groceries every week for the past 2+ years
Getting your scripts for the past 2+ years
Driving you to and from the bank and from doctors for 2+ years
Mowing the lawn for 2+ years despite my health issues
Writing out and signing checks for you when your hands shook too much to be legible
Making photocopies for you
Shovelling the snow for you
Putting out your garbage for you
Purchasing you things off of Amazon when you needed them
Purchasing a cell phone when you requested one
Helping you move from Pompton Lakes to Port Jervis and everything associated with it (talking with the realtor, signing things, etc)

You've blown any chance of me doing anything further for you. You will need to figure out getting your own groceries and medications from now on, which you would need to do anyway since we will be moving out of here sooner than you think and you would need to do so anyway. After how you’ve treated both myself and Serena, you should be grateful I’ve continued to do as much as I did—but no more. There comes a time in every adult’s life where they live out on their own and have to figure things out for themself, and there are no exceptions to this rule.

I never did give this to her. The next day Serena and I went to look at houses and my intention was to give it to her on the way out the door. But I never did. I think a printed copy is still floating around my car somewhere... Now it doesn't really matter, but I wanted it here for "safe keeping"/future reference.

Growing up what I had in life was
living in a house that was inherited that
ended up in complete shambles and filled with awful memories because of
mismanaged finances on both of my parents’ parts and their unhappy marriage that resulted in
three kids my father loved and two my “mother” had no ability to love at all
one Golden Child on the way to becoming a covert narcissist himself and
two Scapegoats, one of whom is disowned, the other is on their way to S. S. Disinherited
paternal family that absolutely hated my egg donor
probably for a good reason, they could sense her evil
maternal family that outside of a few were complete strangers
the happiest memories I have as a child all involve the Homestead
aka my maternal grandparents’ house
any other place just gave me a fuckton of trauma
my Catholic school
the Catholic church
my psychiatrist’s office
my town
and getting out of New Jersey is something I never once regretted

Here are the things that I lost out on because of my egg donor:
actual family relationships with extended family that wasn’t hers (and even then it was select extended family)
having an actual childhood filled with going to friends’ houses, hanging out with friends, riding a bike, doing regular kid things and it was all heavily discouraged because
I was going to be Egg’s “caregiver” and had been since I was 10 years old because
at 56 my dad died and she refused to cope and opted to try and erase him and
she refused to help anyone else cope either because everything is always all about her and
I lost out on five years with my brother because she manipulated and completely gaslit me whenever he came up in conversation and she forced me to cut him off and
she didn’t ever want me to have any romantic relationships because it meant that the focus would no longer be on her but on someone else and
against all fucking odds I ended up finding someone and she’s once again refused to cope and opted to try and erase her and
I am tired of my growth being stunted and my life being put on hold because she won’t fucking adult and there are
two ways out of this for me and one ends with me no longer existing and once again I must point out that
she would make my funeral all. about. her. and her grief. and pretend that my wife doesn’t exist

So here’s my plan for the best revenge I could have at this point:
buy a house for the same price as this one or a bit more that is
way nicer (and cuter!) than this hellhole and
makes me feel at peace with myself because it's
my home–not a house but an actual home–that belongs to me and my wife and our cats that
we can decorate as we please and
fill with happy memories involving our family and our friends instead of living in some isolated bubble.

Everything I never had growing up.

I am kind of trying to piece things together from Discord messages and stuff made about it so bear with me pls this might not be the most organised or even prettiest of entries.

let me tell you about our day. GATHER ROUND CHILDREN find a comfy seat maybe even bring some popcorn—y'all have drinks? Bathrooms are located to your left and if you end up outside the theatre then you went too far.

We come into the house and we go into the kitchen to get the batteries for the lawn mower since, you know, ours is battery powered, which is great.
Egg, thinking she's the most important person in this country, starts talking.
"So yesterday, you didn't come down."
She was expecting us to bolt down the stairs the minute she came through the door yesterday to be like OH HOW DID YOUR DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT GO as if I gave a fuck. She never asks me how my doctor appointments go.

So we came through the door and she's like OKAY SO.
no no no there is no "queso" here, pal.
We grab the batteries. Egg continues on.
"The psychiatrist doesn't think I have bipolar."
ok great still don't care. we have the batteries so now we can go and do the lawn. might as well do it on the one sunny day this month.
"When you come back in, please talk to me."
We leave. I don't want to talk to you. You never wanna listen when I have something to say, so why do I care about anything you have to talk about? It's always me me me with you anyway.

D mows the lawn—like the not-porn version of Cloud Mows the Lawn, where it's literally just. Mowing the lawn. Usually it's H and sometimes they alternate and sometimes it's more, "I don't feel like doing the lawn, Duo you're doing it," and then D gets all pissed off but still does it. Today was a slightly different day because D was showing Seb how to mow the lawn. Which isn't to say that Seb doesn't know how to mow a lawn, it's he doesn't know how to mow it to H's specifications. He has a certain "order" as to where you start and where you end and how you get to that point. Duo doesn't really care about "order" and just does it however he feels like it that day. On this day though he has to do it "right".
So, like someone tasked with training the new guy, Duo goes, "This is how you should do it, but this is the way that I do it. You can do it however you want though."
So it gets done. Huzzah.

Egg had all  of us thinking: this psych just met her yesterday for the first time. He can't go, from one 30-45 minute session which is more of a general overview than anything else, "Yeah, you're definitely not bipolar, it's definitely depression instead."
The likelihood Egg will go for another session though: 0.579%, and that's according to ZERO, which also said, "But it's more likely to be zero percent."
did I need a computer to tell me that? no.
did I need a computer to validate the fact that I thought it was a zero chance but wanted to be hopeful for a very slight non-zero chance? yeah.
REGARDLESS of whether she's got mania or she's just really depressed (which doesn't lend itself to mania), she needs psychiatric help that we can't give her and meds to help regulate her and ways for her to regulate herself.
(Not that she would use any of it, because she's "just fine!")

INSIDE WE GOOOOO.

Narrator: It did not go well.

Oh this is a fun recording. I should label this DUO IS QUINTESSENTIAL ANGRY JERSEY BOY.MP3
Duo was literally screaming and if you've ever met someone from New Jersey, when they're all torqued up, they start getting loud. It starts as just talking loud but then it escalates to yelling and finally to shouting. Someone might get called a "stunad" and someone's family recipes might end up being insulted. It's a mess. I would not be surprised if like, the neighbours could hear—that's how loud he was.

so Egg was talking about her psych appointment (literally no one cared). D put both batteries back on the chargers in the kitchen because the first day we mow the lawn for the season we end up depleting both batteries because everything is a bit overgrown. the yard is weird this year, there's a lot of growth and also a lot of bare soil and some that's barely grown so it's like ??? it's probs from people letting their dogs piss and shit in our yard as they cut through because no one in Port Jervis has any respect for anyone else's property but Egg is too dumb to erect a fucking fence. D went from the front door to the kitchen and Egg is babbling away all, "Are you gonna listen to me?"

D, internally: Pfft. No? who are you, my mother? I'm a domestic terrorist who piloted a 16m death machine, do you think I listen to authority? I have a problem with them. And you.

Well it quickly went downhill from there because she started getting pissy because Duo was walking off.
Duo was like, "Oh I can't just walk around and listen at the same time?"
D. Popped. Off. Why?
Because Egg once again was like "I want you to reconsider leaving"
And D was like NOTHING CAN MAKE US RECONSIDER ANYTHING. WE ARE MOVING OUT. WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. I DON'T CARE. FUCK OFF. FUCK YOU.
D gets loud and very high pitched when he's torqued up enough and mad. like the fucking walls were reverberating, that's how loud he was. the cats were Concerned™.

She tried the whole, "Oh, if something happens to me, you have to live with it" thing. um... No, I'm pretty sure that's a you problem, Egg... Not ours! And it would be your fault, not ours. Like help yourself out for once in your fucking miserable life.
She also tried the whole "destroying lives" thing, which Serena literally called her out on.
(There is a line from Weiss Kreuz I could quote, but I won't.)
(...okay you know what I will: "Ruined lives taste like honey.")
Serena said that "the only life destroyed by us leaving will be yours. If we stay, that destroys both of ours which would include someone likely killing themselves."
And Egg was like, "OH WHO WOULD BE KILLING THEMSELVES?"
[Collective] I WOULD BE.

Duo told her that she'd taken half of our childhood and now she was trying to take all of our adulthood and she made this face like "what are you talking about?" and she even said, "I didn't do anything to your childhood, what do you mean?" and he told her that it wasn't worth getting into with her because she wasn't gonna listen anyway.
The context, is here in something else she'd said: You’ve been doing it all those years after [since] Father died you know? Kearny, and the apartment, and 6 years here.
I'm p sure D mentioned, "We have it on recording you saying these things!"
He definitely told her how resentful we ended up feeling and she said, "Oh, well, we could've talked about that!"
WHY? what would the point have been???
it's not like she would've held herself accountable, it would've still somehow been our fault.

I think my fave thing about D's retelling of some things is this: also note that I wasn't even pretending to be Ru because I called Egg by her actual name and she didn't even fucking question it.
Serena thought that she would, but to everyone's disappointment, she didn't.
Like I was expecting her to go, "Well [name], why are you calling me by my name? that is so disrespectful! I am your mother, how dare you???"
nope. said nothing. 

Egg kept asking Serena about how much the car insurance was going to cost her, and Serena was like, "Nancy, here's the thing: Karu and I are gonna be paying that together, it's not gonna just be me." like she's making it sound like she was the sole person paying for the car insurance. I was paying my half. So because of this I get to pay Egg less each month because I only pay the paltry sum to occupy space here in which I get treated like an indentured servant, and the internet. I pay what I would pay for the car insurance to my wife.

Egg kept talking about her cousin. "oh well Barbara forgave her mother for all the abuse she did, can't you do the same for me?"
D was like "I don't care what anyone else does with their abusers that's not my business that is their business and I ain't them. I don't have to forgive anyone for anything."
"Oh well a nice and honest person would forgive someone who feels remorseful for what they did."
are you trying to be Chris Chan or something? you already do the stress sighing, should you be crying about how you're a True and Honest™ person looking for True and Honest™ people?
And D was quick with a retort for that too basically like "oh what am I, a dishonest person?"
it's like she just wasn't getting it

one thing that I hate and D absolutely LOATHES, is when someone tries to either talk over us, or keeps trying to interrupt us. D kept trying to tell her to basically shut up and she just KEPT TALKING OVER HIM so he just got louder. our throat hurts as a reseult so hopefully we can talk to the DMV people tomorrow lol.

idk how D managed this and he's not quite sure either but he managed to get her to finally sign over the car that she kept obsessing over even after signing it over because "you have 30 days to reregister the car."
"30 days!"
"30 days to do everything."
and Duo went, "I GET IT. We'll be doing that TOMORROW."

At one point she was even second guessing herself just like "do I want to do this? I'm getting nervous" and D was like "well figure it out cos otherwise I'm just wasting my time standing here waiting to sign papers."
why was she nervous? who fucking knows. probs because now she has nothing to hold over our head.
Mike's response to us taking the "carrot" she kept dangling in front of us: Well now she just has her company as the carrot or the inheritance. Which there won't be much.
guess what we don't give a fuck about EITHER OF THOSE THINGS lmao

I told him about Egg begging for forgiveness from us, that, you know, a True and Honest Person would forgive someone of their transgressions. what about her forgiving others who have "wronged" her? It's a two way steeet. I'm sure there will be a Confrontation #5 at some point because this forgiveness thing is like her new Roman Empire or whatever so like. I might have to bring that up "oh so everyone has to forgive you for all your bullshit but what about you forgiving people who have "wronged" you in some way?"
she'd probs be like WELL
no, no "well". if you want to be forgiven you have to be the one to forgive as well. what about my brother?
(not that forgiving him for the wrongs he never committed would do any good because you are dead to him, literally he tells people she's deceased and after we've moved that is what I am going to tell people if it ever comes up)

I'm an adult orphan. my father died in 2002 and my mother died in 2022 (when she went off her meds and started her bullshit). it's easier to say like that instead of trying to explain this mess or saying "we're not on speaking terms" because people get weird about that. "oh but that's your mom"
okay but I am her child she shouldn't be treating me the way that she has!

D would like me to know that she literally tried to blame the "aftermath" of us leaving on us. So if she starves to death or does herself in in some way she's blaming that on us.
"You're gonna have to live with that for the rest of your life."
ok?

I am like super excited for what happens next. I get the first car registered in my name, which apparently she tried to hold the car over our head??
"I got you a car" no you did not. if you actually bought me a car it would've been registered to me, but it wasn't. you're going to attach strings to that and to putting a roof over our head?
"Oh well if you didn't like it here why didn't you move out?"
"Because we couldn't afford to do so."
"Oh so you took advantage of me."
"How? By paying you rent and doing shit around the house? That's not taking advantage of someone."

H likes to say that she will take whatever she can and twist it to suit her needs so she more than likely lied to the psychiatrist about her issues
because she is TEXTBOOK. but also it's one fucking visit he doesn't know shit. she went on about how it's $70 to see this doctor (I can't drive you to there so suck it up?) and how the medication "will probably be astronomical". H is curious what BS she told him lol.

One thing is for sure: I am not going to have contact with her at the rate we're going. at best? Extremely Low Contact. but tbh I am not sure I want even that, so I might just be like Michael and be No Contact. which is a loss for her, really. she can sob about it or whatever. I don't really care. as cold as that sounds.

who the fuck am I trying to fool here...I don't give a flying fuck about her, not when she's saying shit like this:

“I just wish [they] hadn’t met her. You know, [Terri] really. It was so nice when it was just the two of us. You know? And then had to bring that into the picture. But we were fine until that day. You know? That was the thing. We were all fine.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

FUCK
YOU

"I'm so full of ~remorse~ for the mistakes I made I WISH KARU NEVER MET THEIR WIFE really I don't know why they won't ~forgive me~??? Wehhhhh!"

One neighbour at #7, who declined to give her name when asked, removed the cigarette from her mouth and exhaled the smoke downwind.
"Ain't that what you do with broken or otherwise rotten eggs? Toss 'em in the garbage? You can't do nothing with them!"
"Cracked and rotten eggs are good for throwing at someone's house before TPing it," one of the neighbourhood kids chimed in. He was missing some baby teeth.
"In all seriousness though," continued the woman with the cigarette, "that woman is always causing problems with my grandkids. Like I'm trying my best to keep 'em in line, but it's hard, you know? This is what happens when you don't got no rugrats of your own, you can't relate. Kids are gonna be kids! They're gonna cause mischief but it's not like they're targeting her specifically or being outright malicious. They're not breaking her windows or anything."
A girl with pink shoes looked at the ground when we questioned her about her neighbour at #5.
"The other two people in the house are nice," she said, her voice soft and quiet. "They ask us nicely to stop doing things and we do. They say thank you. We don't like bothering them. But that old lady is mean."
"I feel so bad for the tenants living with her," the kids' grandmother remarked. "The way she is with my grandkids, I can only imagine how she is with other people."
-- CRACKED EGG: A MENACE, page 2 of Mid-Hudson Times Daily News

"You're gonna throw me out like a piece of garbage!"

Says the woman who wanted to do that exact thing to me
and my brother Michael
as soon as I was freshly out of high school
and therefore no longer her "burden" to carry.
Although I think she preferred to call us "losers" and
"degenerates" and "useless good-for-nothings" since
that's what she used back then.

"If anything happens to me then it's your fault because you left me!"

Isn't what abusers tell their victims
so they will feel too guilt-ridden to leave
and continue to be emotionally exploited
all for the abuser's gain?
Do you think H was going to allow you
to continue that exploitation?
Oh. Right. My mistake.
I'm not fucked up enough to have the disorder
that resulted in his existence
because if you say "you were never abused"
then that must be the truth, right?
like a little kid shutting her eyes tight in the dark
insisting that the sun is shining bright as you
feel your skin begin to blister
not from the ultraviolet rays but from the
toxic sludge your lies leave in their wake.

Curiouser and curiouser...

Listen, Eggikins, I'mma level with you.
If you are unable to care for yourself then guess what happens? 
You're gonna have to get APS or some kind of social worker involved.
(Yeah, really!)
It's not gonna be up to me,
or Michael,
or Rob
(assuming he keeps in contact with you after a while) 
That's up to one person: you.

Your behaviour—
let me repeat that for you your behaviour
your behaviour made my life a living fucking hell
but you're going to deny that's the truth too and
your behaviour—
let me repeat that for you your behaviour
your behaviour is what drove me away
but you're going to deny that that's the truth too and
I know you'll glance over the fact that I broke free from your control
because the truth hurts Ego too much for you to bear so you just
completely ignore ignore ignore and try to
grapple for the leash flitting in the breeze like this is a game of
capture the flag
and you're the fool who thinks in ignorance that I will
willingly go back under the banner you continue to wave because
Ego, dear sweet Ego, says that you should.

My answer—no.
Nichts nein nyet no
iyada no
and you talk about how you won't be able to do
all of these things that fall under the
"basic house maintenance and upkeep" header line
and I ask, aloud, "Why don't you sell the house then?"
and you say, "No, I don't want to, it's not so simple and where will I live?"
to which I respond, "2400 square feet is a lot for just one person."

H takes the red I see every time I hear your voice and
smears it on the wall and I know that he wishes that red
that anger
were something else and something tangible
and I know that he wishes that red
that anger
were the result of his own anger at me having to survive and endure
and hide behind him like a kid behind their bodyguard their protector

And I'm tired of my wife coming into my room going,
"She's at it again," and all you're doing is
sitting in the living room chair
keeper of the crypt that is this house
and when I listen in I hear the toxic sludge go splat against the walls
because that is all that drips like nicotine in a smoker's house
when the ghostly woman downstairs spits her greyish green radioactivity
everywhere in the space we're both forced to occupy.

I'm tired of being held in my wife's embrace
as she holds me back from jumping the bannister
a wrestler on the ropes of the ring ready to pounce
and I am tired of being held in my alter's embrace
as he holds my emotions back from unleashing from my mouth
holding my hair back as I vomit your toxicity as offering to an
uncaring porcelain god
for the third time this week.

Let me make one thing clear as a cloudless sky on a sunny day:
no amount of begging or pleading or bargaining
like stages of grief when your loved one is terminally ill
will make me chance my mind and
no amount of begging or pleading or bargaining
like stages of grief when your loved one passes from this life to the next
will stop me from doing what I feel is best for me and my wife.

It seemed there weren't a lot of people on ### Street who knew of Egg, and those who did didn't have the kindest of words to say about her. The homeowners of the house to her left, ###, ####, and ##### of 3 ### Street, looked at each other and shrugged when asked for comment.
"We knew of the two tenants who lived there," ### said. "We accidentally got their Amazon packages. We talked briefly and wanted to properly introduce ourselves, but never got the chance to."
"I hope they're okay but it must be pretty rough living there. From what I've heard from everyone else."
"She likes to go out in the mornings from what I've seen," #### said, "to stand on her porch and stare at the people in #7—kinda weird if you ask me—with her hands on her hips. Just stares. Like she's waiting for them to do something.

I asked my mother if I could have my dad's funeral stuff. She said sure, not a problem. That it would be better in my hands anyway. So she gave me the plastic tote it's been sitting in, tucked away in a corner.

I went through all of it, because it's been 15 years since I've last seen any of it. I discovered that the keepsake book people would sign to say they attended the wake had information pages about the deceased. None of them were filled out. The only things filled out, in fact, were 7 pages of names.
Teachers. Friends of mine, of my brothers. People from church. People in my dad's department at ADP. Relatives. Friends of relatives.

I filled out the information pages, because it felt weird to leave them blank. I came to the biography section, and I wasn't sure what to put. My dad had a rough childhood and a rough family. One of the last things he said was, "I'll admit that I wasn't always the greatest husband. But at least I did my best with you guys (us kids)."
And he did. His obituary (one of three) lists him as "beloved father", but that isn't enough. He was more than beloved. More than loving. He was my dad. His coworkers loved him. The people he dealt with at church enjoyed his company. He was described as kind and always willing to lend a helping hand should anyone need it.

I remember the first five years going through this stuff was hard. I would sit there sobbing, in hysterics, dry heaving. My chest felt crushed by the weight of my grief. It was really fucking hard. Five more years, he was gone an entire decade. I went from 10 to 20. And I know he didn't miss seeing any of it...but I missed him being part of me growing up from a really geeky kid to a just as geeky adult. And then another five years well by. 15 years total. Looking at this stuff still hurt. Left me reeling. I couldn't handle it. It hurt too much because it was all a too real reminder of the fact that he was gone.

It'll be 22 years this October. He's been gone longer than my parents were married for. Longer than all the years I had him for. Longer than any of us kids had him around for. I was 10, my brothers were 18 and 20. That's a hard thing to swallow. To realize your one parent has been gone for more than half your life now. And it'll keep getting longer and longer and longer.

And longer.

21 and a half years later, looking at this stuff still makes me sad, but in a different way. All of these cards and letters of condolence talk about how kind and selfless my dad was. How much they loved having him around and would miss having different conversations with him.

I miss all of that too. I miss his cooking and his baking. The late night talks while watching Star Trek or a Friday night movie. Him teaching me web design, how to code in HTML. Different things about music. Language. History. Space.

I don't break down in hysterics anymore. I still cry. It still hurts, but the pain is duller now. Muted. Still ever present. It will never go away.

I never questioned whether he loved me or not. I knew he did. He made it very clear to me. He always had space for me to occupy no matter what he was doing.

He was the most loving father anyone could ever ask for. xo

This is gonna be long but it sums up what has been happening over the past year and especially the past couple of months.

you know the saying "you want the truth? you can't handle the truth?"

yeah. Egg couldn't handle the truth I laid out for her last night. That her behaviour the past year or so has made living here a living hell. That her behaviour a few months ago with this eye doctor thing has made living here a worse hell. That her behaviour last month is not only completely unacceptable, but has created a very hostile, volatile, and unsafe living environment. The things she's said about my wife simply because she said "no, I can't help you with that, sorry"? Completely unacceptable. It's abuse. Everything is abuse. Her threatening harm against the neighbours and their children because kids are *gasp* doing kid things like playing outside and getting into trouble? extremely concerning. And she had the gall to deny it all, when I have this shit recorded in case I needed the police involved.

Which I ended up getting the police involved yesterday because I was concerned she was going to harm others. Myself. Especially my wife who she fucking loathes. The kids next door to us. She had detailed plans to harm herself. The police did what they could, which was take a report and sit down with her to go over what her options were (hotlines, mental health resources in the area, etc).

Last night she confronted us about it and I told her the truth. I was concerned for her wellbeing, since she talked about how she wished for death every day and had a plan to end her life. I was concerned for the wellbeing of everyone else (me, my wife, the people around us). Her obsession with a particular knife that I purposely hid from her since she tried to do something stupid with it last month. That she has made living here so fucking toxic and unsafe that we were going to find toxic free, safe living arrangements. She wanted us to brush everything under the rug. She said that she was willing to forgive if we were. That's not how forgiveness works. What she has done to everyone here is beyond forgiveness. She has completely ruined this family because of her mind games, because of her manipulation, because of the vitriol that she's been spewing going back as far as 2018 when she cut ties with one of her kids over something completely trivial.

I told her she needs help. She needs so much fucking help. She denied it. Despite her complete hatred of life and those around her, she denied that she needed help. I told her her bipolar disorder, which she stopped taking meds for against doctor's orders, is completely out of control, worse than it was when we lived in Kearny, and things were toxic then. She ended up being a complete danger to everyone, including herself. I told her to please get help. Go to the ER and tell them you have a plan in place to end your life and they will help you. Do *something*. Otherwise my wife and I cannot stay here. We would need to leave immediately.

Now we segue to this morning, at 6:03, where she did the exact same thing she did a month ago. Except replace "I tried to kill myself" with "I'm having a mental breakdown". She was very insistent I come downstairs. I refused, because gut instinct saying DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER means that I will stay the fuck away and not be the gazelle eaten by the lion. Instead, I called 911, explained the situation, and they sent someone out. Because there is nothing more I can do for her except call people to the house who are trained to deal with this sort of thing. She went with them willingly to the local hospital.

I told her I was done playing games.
I told her I was done fucking around, that I was serious.
That if anything further happened, I would get whoever I needed to get involved. PJPD, APS, whoever.

Even if she does end up medicated again, even if she does become better again, how do I know that she won't wake up one morning and stop taking her meds because she feels fine? I will never be able to trust her again. That trust is gone. I will never feel safe around her again.

My wife and I are planning on finding another place to live that is closer to family. I don't know if she should even return here or if she should go into some sort of long term care facility so that she can be in a place with people who can help her in whatever ways she needs: physically, medically, mentally. A social worker will probably talk to her at the hospital, will probably call to tell me things and I may have to suggest that she enter a place much more appropriate for her, where she can be monitored and taken care of in all the ways that I can't and won't ever be able to.

Maybe the monster wasn't my brother. Maybe the monster this entire time was you. The wolf in sheep's clothing was here the entire time. And I hate thinking that. No one wants to think that about their parent. But this is a situation of her own creation, that got so many innocent people caught up in it. I have C-PTSD because of her actions over the years. Because of how she's treated me, how she's treated my brother, how she's treated my wife, how she's treated the rest of the family. She's cut off everyone because of her own actions. Because of her greed. Because they stopped being useful to her. To not even show an ounce of compassion when my mother-in-law died and didn't understand why my wife had changed. That's what grief does, it changes people. I told her she should know, she lost her own mother. She said she understood and I told her straight up that she had no fucking clue, clearly, because she wouldn't be acting this way if she did.

I told her that she should apologise to her own mother for the way she's been acting, because this is not how she was raised to act. That Nana would be appalled. And doesn't she want to stick around to watch her granddaughter grow up? Does she want to do that from prison if she hurts the neighbour's kids? Does she want to miss out on all the things that my father is missing out on? She didn't seem to care.

They say Karma makes sure you get the life that you deserve. You reap what you sow.

Here it is.

*

Upon telling my egg donor that my wife and I have plans to move out and find our own place, the first words out of her mouth were, "Well I guess I'll have to change things then, and leave everything to [my niece]."

She is willing to disinherit me for the sin of wanting to live my own life out on my own with my wife and cats.

After everything I've done for her over the years, EVERYTHING. Helped her pack up the apartment, helped her move, helped her buy the house, did shit around the house for her, mow the lawn, do yard work, shovel, buy her things when she needs things, do her grocery shopping, drive her around to appointments and shit, AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER DONE FOR HER... That is a slap in the fucking face, to be told "if you leave me then I'll disown you." I told her most parents are happy when their kids move out. Why can't she be happy for me? Doesn't she want me to be independent? She had nothing to fucking say. She then tried to backtrack but at that point it was too late.

She wants our close relationship back? That's fucked anyway, it's done. She ruined it with her nonsense. She's nailed possibly the last nail in the coffin for our relationship as mother and child EVER recovering after that. Because how fucking dare she. I have spent most of my life catering to her needs. I put my life on HOLD for her, and this is the thanks she wants to give me?

It's not about the money or the jewelry, it's the principle. She is willing to throw me away...because I'm not doing what she wants me to do. I am not living the life that she wants me to live, which is to basically be her servant.

I called her disgusting, because that is absolutely disgusting. This whole thing is irredeemable, a lost cause. Nana would be so upset seeing this. Knowing that this is what her daughter is doing to the grandchildren she loved so fucking much.

I guess I should find my room on the S.S. Disinherited where my brother Michael is captain.