![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omaewokorosuDoes your wife Serena read your fics?
for the most part she doesn't read the things I write and tbh I am okay with that because tbh the thought of her reading my fics or meta makes me feel weird but that's probs because of a thing called Childhood Trauma...
when I was younger, any time I had friends read my shit as a kid they would make fun of it or just...say that it was stupid/they didn't like it/why tf would I write this/etc they just didn't get it they didn't get my interests or why I was the way I was. why I was so enmeshed in geeky things like anime and manga and video games. space. scifi.
my dad was a Trekkie like c'mon what more do you want from me
I DIDN'T ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY about Serena reading my fics/meta/whatever! Considering how we met (on a Discord server dedicated to Gundam Wing) and the things we'd discuss (Heero, fanfiction worldbuilding, etc) like. She would be the perfect person to talk these things over with! To get to read my fics!
But then we got married. My online fandom life crossed over into my offline "normie" life where all of my geeky shit was more or less hidden in spaces that I only occupied. because that's what was expected of me. I could like whatever I wanted so long as I wasn't loud about it. and by "loud" I mean I didn't mention it at all and didn't show any of it. to anyone. I didn't have IRL people really to share my interests with and I certainly didn't have IRL people actively in fandom with me.
people thought I was weird for being involved in fandom, in fact. because fandom at that point was frowned upon, and you were considered some NEET loser.
so it was a strictly online only thing, a "hidden in the back of my closet" kind of thing, a "posters that cover the walls of a bedroom no one but me comes into anyway" kind of thing.
even now despite the fact that my wife and I are both involved in some way with GW fandom and we swap fic ideas and shit with each other...after like two minutes I go quiet because that little voice in my head is like
"you've bored her long enough don't you think?"
"no one cares about Heero as much as you do, you can stop talking now"
like no one in my family gave a fuck about my interests, they hated when I would go on about them
(the exception was my dad, who loved talking animanga with me!)
When it comes to "geeky things" Serena and I are more likely to talk about Zelda tbh
Here I am, I'm living the ultimate fandom dream and at the same time I am not
because I just can't shake the feeling that I am secretly being judged by what I write (even though I know I'm probably not being judged). like. no one growing up understood my hyperfixations and special interests because they weren't neurodivergent or they weren't the same kind of neurospicy I am so there was this disconnect. everyone just kind of wrote them off as something stupid and made me think no one gave a shit and that my friends couldn't care less so I didn't really...discuss these things with IRL people even though my two best friends were also into anime and video games
like it was my IRL BFF got me into GW
did I geek out with Daniel about GW? no! I did not!
why not?
because "none of your IRL friends give a shit"
so I kept it to online spaces... and tbh I...still do.
all of my fandom stuff is for the most part in my office. and like. we're going to have a house soon right? a house where I can have all of my fandom stuff out in the open. like in the living room for instance. part of me is really excited for that! the other part is absolutely fucking terrified and like "why would you do that, why would you out us like that? what if we end up judged for our gunplay or our plushies or figures??"
because having that stuff out in the open was heavily frowned upon! it was to be kept hidden in my room or something. out of sight - like my sexuality! because I can have the proverbial "closet door" open but God forbid I actually step out of the closet and celebrate the fact that I'm queer.
It all goes back to Egg, my failure of a parental unit. I guess because Egg had no interests (still doesn't) no one else was allowed to either and if you did that was frowned upon and weird. idk.
I know for the record that there is nothing shameful about any of my interests or my fandom involvement but it's really hard to shake that initial skincrawl feeling at the thought of my gunpla being on display to literally everyone who comes into the living room for example
like my brother-in-law Fernando has all sorts of geeky shit just out there in plain sight: game consoles, Pokemon throw rugs, Funko Pop...like. you name it.
I married into a geeky family. they would think my figures and models are cool!
but part of me is like "we need to keep that hidden".
"we're going to be judged."
"we will be shamed for being who we are."
now y'all know me. I am so fucking out and proud about myself and my interests. I am p comfortable with myself and my wife helped me achieve that by giving me a place where I can feel safe doing that.
and I know which part it is that feels uncomf. it's Elle. the one who received corporal punishment from Egg for the most trivial of offences. who was made to feel ashamed of, well, everything and anything. she is the one going, in her small, soft voice, "everything must be confined to our room/our spaces."
if you ask Aleks his opinion on why we're like this he will point at Egg and let that speak for itself. everything that says "me" was to be more or less suppressed.
hell I feel weird sharing my interests with my wife (for fear of judgement) and that's so fucking stupid when you see how we met. but it's like. now that things have gone from online fandom fun times to IRL offline reality it's like a switch has flipped and we're not going "okay it's time to not do that anymore."
my entire life more or less just exists either in my head or online. when it comes to having an offline life...I am completely different. devoid of sharing interests for fear of being judged. even though I know I'm not being judged by anyone...except Egg. I'm no longer whatever the fuck child she had in her head in my place. and she doesn't know what to do with that. but that's not my problem, that's hers.
idk if any of this makes sense.
for the most part she doesn't read the things I write and tbh I am okay with that because tbh the thought of her reading my fics or meta makes me feel weird but that's probs because of a thing called Childhood Trauma...
when I was younger, any time I had friends read my shit as a kid they would make fun of it or just...say that it was stupid/they didn't like it/why tf would I write this/etc they just didn't get it they didn't get my interests or why I was the way I was. why I was so enmeshed in geeky things like anime and manga and video games. space. scifi.
my dad was a Trekkie like c'mon what more do you want from me
I DIDN'T ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY about Serena reading my fics/meta/whatever! Considering how we met (on a Discord server dedicated to Gundam Wing) and the things we'd discuss (Heero, fanfiction worldbuilding, etc) like. She would be the perfect person to talk these things over with! To get to read my fics!
But then we got married. My online fandom life crossed over into my offline "normie" life where all of my geeky shit was more or less hidden in spaces that I only occupied. because that's what was expected of me. I could like whatever I wanted so long as I wasn't loud about it. and by "loud" I mean I didn't mention it at all and didn't show any of it. to anyone. I didn't have IRL people really to share my interests with and I certainly didn't have IRL people actively in fandom with me.
people thought I was weird for being involved in fandom, in fact. because fandom at that point was frowned upon, and you were considered some NEET loser.
so it was a strictly online only thing, a "hidden in the back of my closet" kind of thing, a "posters that cover the walls of a bedroom no one but me comes into anyway" kind of thing.
even now despite the fact that my wife and I are both involved in some way with GW fandom and we swap fic ideas and shit with each other...after like two minutes I go quiet because that little voice in my head is like
"you've bored her long enough don't you think?"
"no one cares about Heero as much as you do, you can stop talking now"
like no one in my family gave a fuck about my interests, they hated when I would go on about them
(the exception was my dad, who loved talking animanga with me!)
When it comes to "geeky things" Serena and I are more likely to talk about Zelda tbh
Here I am, I'm living the ultimate fandom dream and at the same time I am not
because I just can't shake the feeling that I am secretly being judged by what I write (even though I know I'm probably not being judged). like. no one growing up understood my hyperfixations and special interests because they weren't neurodivergent or they weren't the same kind of neurospicy I am so there was this disconnect. everyone just kind of wrote them off as something stupid and made me think no one gave a shit and that my friends couldn't care less so I didn't really...discuss these things with IRL people even though my two best friends were also into anime and video games
like it was my IRL BFF got me into GW
did I geek out with Daniel about GW? no! I did not!
why not?
because "none of your IRL friends give a shit"
so I kept it to online spaces... and tbh I...still do.
all of my fandom stuff is for the most part in my office. and like. we're going to have a house soon right? a house where I can have all of my fandom stuff out in the open. like in the living room for instance. part of me is really excited for that! the other part is absolutely fucking terrified and like "why would you do that, why would you out us like that? what if we end up judged for our gunplay or our plushies or figures??"
because having that stuff out in the open was heavily frowned upon! it was to be kept hidden in my room or something. out of sight - like my sexuality! because I can have the proverbial "closet door" open but God forbid I actually step out of the closet and celebrate the fact that I'm queer.
It all goes back to Egg, my failure of a parental unit. I guess because Egg had no interests (still doesn't) no one else was allowed to either and if you did that was frowned upon and weird. idk.
I know for the record that there is nothing shameful about any of my interests or my fandom involvement but it's really hard to shake that initial skincrawl feeling at the thought of my gunpla being on display to literally everyone who comes into the living room for example
like my brother-in-law Fernando has all sorts of geeky shit just out there in plain sight: game consoles, Pokemon throw rugs, Funko Pop...like. you name it.
I married into a geeky family. they would think my figures and models are cool!
but part of me is like "we need to keep that hidden".
"we're going to be judged."
"we will be shamed for being who we are."
now y'all know me. I am so fucking out and proud about myself and my interests. I am p comfortable with myself and my wife helped me achieve that by giving me a place where I can feel safe doing that.
and I know which part it is that feels uncomf. it's Elle. the one who received corporal punishment from Egg for the most trivial of offences. who was made to feel ashamed of, well, everything and anything. she is the one going, in her small, soft voice, "everything must be confined to our room/our spaces."
if you ask Aleks his opinion on why we're like this he will point at Egg and let that speak for itself. everything that says "me" was to be more or less suppressed.
hell I feel weird sharing my interests with my wife (for fear of judgement) and that's so fucking stupid when you see how we met. but it's like. now that things have gone from online fandom fun times to IRL offline reality it's like a switch has flipped and we're not going "okay it's time to not do that anymore."
my entire life more or less just exists either in my head or online. when it comes to having an offline life...I am completely different. devoid of sharing interests for fear of being judged. even though I know I'm not being judged by anyone...except Egg. I'm no longer whatever the fuck child she had in her head in my place. and she doesn't know what to do with that. but that's not my problem, that's hers.
idk if any of this makes sense.
