do you believe you can walk on water?

(I'd settle for a t-shirt tbh.)

I found through googling a bunch of shit that DW changed how to log into Semagic so now that I know how to do it...it works.

(I still can't get Post Options to where I want it in the window but whatever.)
(It can live on my second monitor, I guess.)

Healing is weird. I wrote on Facebook...

Tish and Bean are up in their perch sleeping. I go to peek in at them. They awake and excitedly scramble down to see me. I walk into the catio as they surround me, all happy. Bean purring up a storm she's so happy. Tish purring but nowhere near as loud because she is a quieter purr and not as extroverted as her sister. They get some pets and attention before I start journaling and they engage in WWE: KittenMania with each other and an old receipt and a tinsel ball.

Snow lightly falls as I write down more questions that I would ask my narcissistic parent under the condition I get truthful, to the point answers. Aleks helps me go through audio transcripts to see if these questions were answered before I could even ask them. Some of them are, so we discuss them.

(Aleks can't officially be my therapist but that doesn't mean he can't help me as a friend.)

"From the sound of it she's jealous of the bond you have with your siblings, maybe even envious."
"Why?"
"It could be that she wishes she had that bond with her own if she has siblings, or that she had any if she's an only child. These are normal human emotions but it's unusual for parents to be jealous of their children. She could also see it as attention she feels entitled to is being taken away and given elsewhere. Either way, it's weird."
"She seems obsessed with the fact that I reconnected with my brother. The one she forced me to estrange."
"To her you've betrayed her."
"She doesn't even view him as her son seeing as when it was his birthday she told me, 'Today is your brother Michael's birthday' which I just found off because like. yeah he's my brother but he's also your son, and why make the distinction anyway?"
"Because she doesn't see him as having a connection to her. Just you."
The more we talk and look back at different things, the more fucked up things end up sounding, and the more exhausted I feel. But I need to go through this process so I can heal myself.

It's still snowing out and the kittens are still playing. They've both learned how to pounce and their claws are able to retract. Progress for all of us.

Do I understand it fully? No.
Will I ever? Probably not.
She literally thought it was "strange" that I hugged Rob and RM as we were heading out the door the day before Thanksgiving. She told Aleks that weekend how strange she found the interaction, and Aleks in turn found her reaction to the interaction strange because it is. This isn't a normal reaction.
I keep going back to this because it's just. Are we in some kind of Bizzaro World or something? The Twilight Zone?
Why did she think it was weird?
"Oh, well, you and Rob aren't that close."
No and we never were all that close but we've been bonding over the fact that we both know you are absolutely cracked in the head.
But also he's my brother? It is a normal sibling thing? You're the one making things weird, Egg. Like what the fuck.

(Narcissists will literally make you feel like you're having a stroke and also losing your mind at the same time.)

"But Karu, Egg isn't a normal person. Of course she's gonna make things out like they're weird when they're not."
She would tell Rob that Michael and I are "best buds" now with disdain in her voice. She would just make shit up like how he calls me several times a week when I have only spoken to him on the phone I think once the entire time I've been alive, and that was to tell him Nana died. We text but even that's only like, a couple times a week at most like ???
"He must be too busy talking to [Karu] to bother with anyone else."
Or idk Michael has a full time job and house projects and a wedding to plan?? Like he has his own life, what in the enmeshed co-dependent hell is this? But also, even if we did, what's it to you? Like does it matter how often I talk to family?

Aleks just said, "The more I think about this, the more abnormal it is."
Like how if you stare at something long enough it starts looking uncanny or if you say a word too many times it stops sounding like an actual word. Like. Whenever I think something is weird and a "just Egg" thing, and I share it on like, r/raisedbynarcissists, I get comments going "omg you too??" and I'm just. What. How are all these narcs acting the same way?

But no, apparently I'm the weird and fucked up one.  

Something else that proves she's just jealous (because all eyes are off her):

Aleksey
I just wish [they] hadn’t met her. You know, [Terri] really. It was so nice when it was just the two of us. You know? And then had to bring that into the picture.
What she's actually saying: "I wish they hadn't met someone who could call me out on my bullshit and point out how I am manipulating Karu."

Serena
I'm a "that"
Like I'm an item. Not a person

Aleksey
"That" being short I guess for "that fucking woman"
I mean...to her, people are items.
Dolls to be played with.
To live vicariously through as they prance around the dollhouse.

(Aleks mentioning a dollhouse reminded me of the Melanie Martinez song...)

Which is...quite sad when you think about it.

She would constantly question if we were actually moving out or if we were just playing with her feelings or doing some kind of mind game. Because for Egg, everything was "taking too long". According to her we should've been out by April or May, to which Aleks had replied, "Excuse me? It takes a while to find a house and it takes time to pack to move." We weren't going to do what she did and settle for a six figure mistake we'd be paying off for 30 years that she seemed convinced I'd really, really love to inherit.

(Which I would not.)

I said I was going to get you [Karu] out of there.
She thought I was full of shit.
Am I full of shit, Egg?

But also, Egg, this is what you were fucking around with:
She's probably really glad [that we're gone]. Considering I am her worst nightmare.
(Oh no.)
Sorry, Eggikins. I know all of the games you've played.
I know how to play them.
I can gaslight way better than you ever will be able to.
I am the "white hat" hacker equivalent of...whatever this is.
oh wait aleks doesn't exist because i don't have d.i.d. because according to egg i was never abused and when i reminded her of all the times i was and specific events she just brushed it off with "well whatever it still wasn't as bad as a lot of people."

You know what pops up a lot in children of narcissists groups? People coming out and saying with their whole chest, "Hi, my parents are narcissists and because of how they treated me growing up I now have DID."

Hm.

(But of course Egg would never admit she was abusive to me growing up.)

Funny, that.

But then again I should be used to her invalidating everything but especially my medical and mental issues.

Good thing I don't have to deal with her anymore; too bad I have to deal with the aftermath of having dealt with her.