![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omaewokorosuI know this is just gonna go out into the void but I needed to put it somewhere.
today I came back from taking my mother to the doctor, went to make a cuppa because it's cold and I wanted some tea and my wife turned around in her chair and told me
"so, update: she only has hours to live."
I don't know what I have and haven't discussed on here about my MIL but it doesn't matter because it all culminated into the fact that she is dying.
none of the treatments are really working—
or they work for a bit and then stop being effective—
or the treatment will just make things a lot worse and not better—
I think you get the gist.
and we live five hours away so even if they waited to stop treatment until we got there, there was no guarantee that she would be alive long enough even with all these fancy medical treatments and machines keeping her alive for us to see her one last time. so my wife told them to stop treatment after her brother arrived. Which I'm guessing they did. And they would begin making sure that she was as comfortable as she could be.
her brother was nice enough to call once he was there (he brought his wife too) so that she could talk to her. that she loves her and will miss her and her weekly (or so it seemed like it was weekly) phone calls and I felt like the most useless spouse in the world because I could do nothing except stand there rubbing her shoulder. at one point I brought one of the cats over because cats are So Good at being just Comfort in a fur covered friend shape. You know? I stood there eating a fucking Hot Pocket (because I was hungry, it was lunch time) contemplating what the fuck one does in a situation like this because you know what?
I've lost a parent before. Not like this—my dad's death was very quick and very sudden—but I still have the vaguest of memories of standing there in the hospital room with him on the bed and just. the surrealness of the situation. surely this wasn't actually happening. surely there was a mistake, surely—
it's the same thing in this situation except it's not my parent—it's my wife's. There is no sense of "unfinished business" or anything like that. For me it's more, "I want her to be at peace and have an easy transition to the next journey of her life." But I know what it's like to be in my wife's shoes. To lose a parent fucking sucks and my dad, for example, has been gone 21 years, and it still fucking sucks. Every birthday, every holiday, every event, it all fucking sucks because he isn't there for it and it always sucks even more when it's near holidays because then the first holiday without them is like. a month or a week or two days after. (My dad died in October. Thanksgiving and Christmas were the worst and still continue to be the worst.)
I still feel like a shit spouse because I don't know what to do or what to say. I brought the cat over, I rubbed her shoulders, I gave her kisses on her head, I gave her distraction when she wanted it. Everyone tells me I'm doing everything right. That that's all I can do.
I feel like I could do more but what can I do that I'm not already doing? When she's hurting I would do anything to make that hurt go away and get rid of whatever is causing it. And maybe that's what bothers me the most—I don't have any control over this situation. All I can do is be there with her and for her, give her comfort when she wants it, distraction when she needs it, and help her forge a new "normal".
That new normal fucking sucks and I can tell you that for a fact. It never stops hurting. Sure the intensity of the pain decreases over time, but it still hurts. It goes from feeling like your soul has been forcibly ripped from your body to a dull but persistent ache that you can ignore for the most part but certain things make it feel so overwhelmingly sharp that it takes your breath away.
So yeah.
I am not religious but I've had literally every goddamn Christian coworker of mine praying for my MIL since September when this was all starting. Everyone has been rooting so hard for a complete recovery and restoration to life. And my Pagan ass has been asking Eir for whatever healing she can muster... It's just not enough.
There is nothing I can do to fix this. This isn't a problem to be solved. I'm not great at dealing with my emotions and my emotions during this time are very confusing to me. I just...I don't know what is going to happen over the next 24 hours, and really no one does no matter what's going on because no one can see the future.
I hate this feeling, this feeling of helplessness because outside of what I'm already doing, I will still feel like I could do something else and what more can I do? Nothing.
today I came back from taking my mother to the doctor, went to make a cuppa because it's cold and I wanted some tea and my wife turned around in her chair and told me
"so, update: she only has hours to live."
I don't know what I have and haven't discussed on here about my MIL but it doesn't matter because it all culminated into the fact that she is dying.
none of the treatments are really working—
or they work for a bit and then stop being effective—
or the treatment will just make things a lot worse and not better—
I think you get the gist.
and we live five hours away so even if they waited to stop treatment until we got there, there was no guarantee that she would be alive long enough even with all these fancy medical treatments and machines keeping her alive for us to see her one last time. so my wife told them to stop treatment after her brother arrived. Which I'm guessing they did. And they would begin making sure that she was as comfortable as she could be.
her brother was nice enough to call once he was there (he brought his wife too) so that she could talk to her. that she loves her and will miss her and her weekly (or so it seemed like it was weekly) phone calls and I felt like the most useless spouse in the world because I could do nothing except stand there rubbing her shoulder. at one point I brought one of the cats over because cats are So Good at being just Comfort in a fur covered friend shape. You know? I stood there eating a fucking Hot Pocket (because I was hungry, it was lunch time) contemplating what the fuck one does in a situation like this because you know what?
I've lost a parent before. Not like this—my dad's death was very quick and very sudden—but I still have the vaguest of memories of standing there in the hospital room with him on the bed and just. the surrealness of the situation. surely this wasn't actually happening. surely there was a mistake, surely—
it's the same thing in this situation except it's not my parent—it's my wife's. There is no sense of "unfinished business" or anything like that. For me it's more, "I want her to be at peace and have an easy transition to the next journey of her life." But I know what it's like to be in my wife's shoes. To lose a parent fucking sucks and my dad, for example, has been gone 21 years, and it still fucking sucks. Every birthday, every holiday, every event, it all fucking sucks because he isn't there for it and it always sucks even more when it's near holidays because then the first holiday without them is like. a month or a week or two days after. (My dad died in October. Thanksgiving and Christmas were the worst and still continue to be the worst.)
I still feel like a shit spouse because I don't know what to do or what to say. I brought the cat over, I rubbed her shoulders, I gave her kisses on her head, I gave her distraction when she wanted it. Everyone tells me I'm doing everything right. That that's all I can do.
I feel like I could do more but what can I do that I'm not already doing? When she's hurting I would do anything to make that hurt go away and get rid of whatever is causing it. And maybe that's what bothers me the most—I don't have any control over this situation. All I can do is be there with her and for her, give her comfort when she wants it, distraction when she needs it, and help her forge a new "normal".
That new normal fucking sucks and I can tell you that for a fact. It never stops hurting. Sure the intensity of the pain decreases over time, but it still hurts. It goes from feeling like your soul has been forcibly ripped from your body to a dull but persistent ache that you can ignore for the most part but certain things make it feel so overwhelmingly sharp that it takes your breath away.
So yeah.
I am not religious but I've had literally every goddamn Christian coworker of mine praying for my MIL since September when this was all starting. Everyone has been rooting so hard for a complete recovery and restoration to life. And my Pagan ass has been asking Eir for whatever healing she can muster... It's just not enough.
There is nothing I can do to fix this. This isn't a problem to be solved. I'm not great at dealing with my emotions and my emotions during this time are very confusing to me. I just...I don't know what is going to happen over the next 24 hours, and really no one does no matter what's going on because no one can see the future.
I hate this feeling, this feeling of helplessness because outside of what I'm already doing, I will still feel like I could do something else and what more can I do? Nothing.
