she made a smear campaign against me so now i'm snarking (and rewriting) her RP game [10/10]

[omaewokorosu]

she made a smear campaign against me because i rejected her advances
Part 1 | Part 2
she made a smear campaign against me so now i'm snarking her RP game
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | INTERMISSION | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8a | Part 8b/9 | Part 10

WHAT RP ARE WE DOING THIS TIME?
Once Bitten, Twice Shy, a vampire AU RP where Heero is a vampire hunter and Duo is a vampire who is going to end up drowning in his own tears which is funny because I don't think vampires can cross water (unless they're in a vessel of some kind).

Yes this is the RP that was supposed to be Part 6 but then my Chromebook crashed and I lost everything and had to redo it, and so to put some distance between myself and that catastrophy, I put this at the end.

Because, my friends, my fellow readers and writers and snarkers... This is the last of our RPs. Bittersweet? Sure. But I had a lot of fun doing this and it put a lot of things from 10 years ago into some new perspective. For one thing, it proved that I was not the problem and was never the problem. My writing was always pretty solid, my plotting on point, my world building was great...and Rachel just couldn't keep up with me.

When I gave her plot, she gave me nothing in return but a half assed tag that focused on either nothing or one small thing. She never took the plot hook and added to it.
When I gave her world building, she did nothing with it, opting to ignore it and go her own way with things, putting her "world building" at complete odds with mine.
When I gave her smut, she gave me the most milquetoast of tags, to the point where I had to take the reins or suffer in boredom for five pages.
When I gave her Duo the reins to my Heero, she did nothing with them, and I had to pick them up so my Heero would treat him like a puppet to get what was needed.

It was never my characterisation that was the problem, it was her characterisation of Duo that was. And this is a characterisation that nowadays I would not put up with.

I have been roleplaying off and on since 2000. That is two and a half decades. In that time I've had my share of good, bad, mediocre, and just plain awful RP. And I will say, without a doubt, Rachel is the worst person I have ever roleplayed with. Rachel was expecting us to have RPs that went on for hundreds of thousands of words and span across multiple Google Docs. She couldn't even manage to hit half of that just on her own merit. Parts 8 and 9 are an RP that was almost 33k words, and most of that word count was from me.

I'm not saying RP tags have to be long and hundreds or even thousands of words in length. I am saying that if your RP tags are going to be 59 words long, those 59 words better drive along the plot, add more to the story, and give me a hook to play off of and continue in kind.

This RP is literally the worst I have ever been part of.

THE CAST OF ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY:
RACHEL THE DEMON as..........DUO MAXWELL, a vampire
HIKARU YUY as............................HEERO YUY, a vampire hunter turned into the hunted

Some Background:
I was obsessed (and still kind of am obsessed) with Vampire the Masquerade, a tabletop RPG (with video games based off of it as well) where you play as a fledgling vampire trying to find your way in this new world whilst obeying the rules of the Masquerade and not stepping on too many toes. There is a lot to go into and I won't do so but if you're interested there's plenty of information to be found online.

So because I loved the World of Darkness I posited the idea of a vampire AU to Rachel, who was definitely interested. I explained what it was based on so she could get a feel for the lore of the world, get a feel for how to play and portray Duo, all that fun stuff. We talked about our own worldbuilding, our expectations—all the things you do when planning out an RP with someone else. Things you would put in forums posts and message board topics in the thread explaining your RP premise, the characters, and how to sign up.

"Sounds a lot like DWRP."

Where do you think it came from? LJ before it was here on DW, message boards and forums and IRC chatrooms before that.

I still have memories from the IRC chats on Moon Feathers where someone (it was Sunkist) typoed "Bob" with an extra O. (Bob was someone's pet pig in the RP.) It became an inside joke. I still remember laughing my ass off about it and it has stayed with me 24 years later.

RPing for me is as easy as breathing. That's where I honed my writing. Fanfiction was a solitary venture and I preferred RPing for the longest time. Somewhere down the line it flipped.

So we had something planned and plotted out.

The RP I am going to snark for you today is not what was planned and plotted out. Not by a long shot.

The Key:
Bolded italics is the text of the RP, completed unedited save for any formatting being stripped for the sake of playing nice with DW.
Italics is anything I've rewritten myself to showcase how it could be done better.
Regular text is me commenting and snarking.

Heero could smell him. He crouched, stake at the ready, gun on his belt as he tracked the wounded vampire into an abandoned warehouse. There was a trail of blood and Heero reflexively licked his lips. Damn him being a ghoul--it made him crave the sweet, sweet taste of vamp blood. Maybe once this one was staked he would partake a little.
"You may as well kill me," the vampire said. He spat more blood. "It's not like I can go back there. I'm in disgrace."
Heero's boots thudded along the worn wood flooring as he extended his stake.
"Then why did you run?"

The vampire laughed once, bitterly. "Because I didn't want my son to see this."

Is your son that much of a weenie?

(Yes.) 

He practically whispered, "Please, just make it quick and get it over with, Hunter."
Heero moved closer and without a word, jabbed his stake into the vampire's chest and right through the heart. He combusted and turned to ash in a pile at Heero's feet. He went to wipe the blood from his stake, but instead licked it. Heero's eyes went from dark, murky blue to a much lighter one, his senses heightened considerably as the vamp blood mingled with his.

I will not stop until every last member of the Maxwell clan is dead. He slid the stake into a holster he had strapped to his thigh and walked out of the warehouse. He had staked three vampires aside from this one, and was exhausted.
They will pay for what they've done.

I mean... This isn't a bad tag. It's not a great one either but it's not bad, it just lacks a lot of visual detail. It's 251 words which isn't bad, but imagine if there was a lot more description, a lot more background, a lot more plot... You would get 1151 words.

Also I'd mistyped originally and didn't mean to put "Maxwell clan" it was supposed to be "family" but hadn't realised until I wondered why she kept calling it "Clan Maxwell".

Duo had waited long enough for his father’s return.  Something was wrong.  He grabbed his jacket, heading out of the Clan Maxwell mansion.

Why do vampires always live in mansions? Why can't we have some that live in like, some shack on a beach somewhere? 

He normally did not venture into the city, ever, preferring to stay behind the mansion’s stone walls so he wouldn’t be a threat to anyone.

I highly doubt anyone would ever find Rachel's Duo threatening. 

But this was an emergency to say the least.

It seemed his father hadn’t wasted much time finding a meal, as it didn’t take long for Duo to find the blood trail on the sidewalk.  He followed it, eventually leading to what looked like an abandoned warehouse.

He crept up to the slightly open door, pushing it further.  “Father…?”

Rachel's problem, as it always has been, is her lack of description when it comes to anything.

No reason why Duo is waiting around for his father like some suspicious spouse thinking he's cheating.

No description of the trip down, just a mention of blood on the sidewalk but not what or who the blood came from.

No description of what his walk from that blood trail to the abandoned warehouse was like.

Also love how Duo isn't even in the warehouse yet before calling out for his father like this is a warehouse they're big you think he's gonna hear anything???

I turned her 107 word tag into a 611 words just by adding descriptions to things. But here's the other thing: I could delete her tag outright and it wouldn't change anything. No change to the story, nothing.

Heero wheeled around, hand within reach for his stake should he need it. Sometimes unsuspecting humans saw blood trails or heard noises and came out to see what was going on. Such curiosity often got people hurt--or killed. He was confronted by a boy in the doorway who looked around his age. Sniffing the air, Heero could practically taste the vamp blood running through his veins.

Father? Heero thought. He looked back at the pile of ashes. This boy is your son Duo?
He was not expecting him to be beautiful. Which was really stupid of him since vampires tended to be beautiful creatures, but this one even more so. Long chestnut hair pulled back into a braid that Heero just wanted to undo and run his fingers through, just to see if it was indeed as silky and smooth as it looked. Blue eyes that were an unnaturally intense shade of blue, though Heero expected that since, well, vampires had a lot of weird ethereal features to them.

"He's dead," Heero said. "He got staked for his sins."
Heero felt terrible that the boy found out about his father's death by, well, walking in on the aftermath. What a shitty way to find out, but maybe it was better this way, to see the example that had been set. He walked past him, stopping briefly once he was right next to him.
"Learn from your father's mistakes."

He may be beautiful but he's also a gigantic crybaby I'm sure

since this is Rachel's Duo and that's all he fucking does

Duo stared at the pile of ashes, knees going weak as he clung to the doorjamb.  He was gone.  His father was gone.  The head of the entire clan was gone.  Which meant…

No.  He couldn’t.  Duo couldn’t lead Clan Maxwell.  Not with the vow he’d taken.

did he take a vow of chastity or something that says he can't Embrace people???

“Father…”  His voice cracked on the second syllable as he sank to his knees, clinging to the wall so he wouldn’t pitch forward, the first of many quiet sobs breaking over his lips.  “N-No…”

oh jesus fucking christ

Heero stopped once more, studying the boy as he sank to his knees. He felt a little...sorry for him. He wasn't sorry the head of Clan Maxwell was dead--he deserved a fate worse than death for the people he had senselessly killed--but he felt bad for the boy. There wasn't much he could say to him, nothing that didn't sound cold and callous. He did have one thing to give to him, which he pulled from his belt. It was an ornately decorated dagger, one that up until Heero had cut his arm off the clan head had fought with.

"Here," Heero said, offering the dagger. "Your father dropped this before he died. I'm sure he would rather his son have it than some vampire hunter." Heero winced as cool metal passed over the palm of his hand. Shit. He must've gotten injured during the fight. He would heal soon, one of the luxuries afford to ghouls, but he would need vamp blood to ensure he wouldn't lose that ability in a year's time. He had had some tonight, but licking a little bit of blood off of a stake wasn't much. The smell of his blood was rather intoxicating, which made him an open target to most vamps who were of the 'nefarious deeds' sort. He pulled out a cloth and tied it around his cut open palm.

He needed to get out of here.

Duo didn’t even hear him.  Didn’t reach for the dagger.  Too distraught to think or even acknowledge the rest of his surroundings.  He finally caught his breath, staring at the floor through tear-blurred vision.

“Kill me, too,” he whispered.  “I can’t lead the clan.  Get rid of me the way you did him…”

Heero in my rewrite: Sure, I'd be glad to. *lops off Duo's head, watches it land 40 feet away with a splat*

Heero was taken aback by the request. "I can't do that," he said. "You've done nothing wrong--a Hunter doesn't kill innocent vamps." He knelt down next to Duo, touched his shoulder. "You can appoint a new clan leader in your stead if you don't feel up to it, but I'm not gonna kill you just because you don't think you're capable."

Heero, what are you doing? he scolded himself. You have a chance to destroy the entirety of a clan, a clan that not only murdered hundreds of innocents, but also your parents. Why are you throwing away your chance at revenge?!
"You look seventeen," Heero said, "but I'm sure you're not. But still, you're probably just beyond a fledgling at this point. Find someone more experienced to lead, return to your life inside the castle." Heero knew from various records that, of the seven Maxwell children, only one of them refused to venture outside the castle walls. That one was kneeling before him, clutching to the door jamb with tears streaming down his face.

"I'm sorry you had to find out like this," Heero said, "and forgive me for sounding cold, but I'm not sorry about what happened to him." He stood. "Pray that you and I don't meet again, Duo."
Pray that we do meet again, Heero mentally corrected. Of course I'd fall for the son of the man who killed my parents. That would be my luck. Maybe I should kill him just so I don't have to deal with this shit.

“Sins of the father...” Duo whimpered, “...shall be visited upon the son. To the third generation.”  He didn’t flinch at Heero’s hand, though his shoulders trembled harder under it.  “Please…  Please kill me.”

Duo must have a medical condition, I am convinced. He trembles in every fucking RP.

The clan was going to cast him out anyway if they found out about the oath he’d taken.  To not harm humankind in any way whatsoever.

There are vampires who don't feast on human blood. It's not Twilight where that's unnatural or weird. VTM not everyone drinks from people. Vampires are different depending on culture as well. 

And they would have to, if he was going to keep it.  And he would rather not have to choose.  Sure, it was the coward’s way out.  But in the end it was fitting for one of his kind.

If you're really down that bad why don't you just wait until sunrise and stand out there and burn?

"No," Heero repeated. "I'm not going to kill you. I took an oath when I became a Hunter that makes me promise to only kill those who deserve it. You have no sin tainting you yet, young Maxwell. Cast your clan aside, appoint someone else, and live in solitude if you wish--it's none of my business what you do. But you are not dying tonight. Not by my hand."

God, that smell was intoxicating. It wasn't his blood--his wound was bandaged now. Was it coming from Duo? Heero had never smelled it before now... Vamp blood, even the good shit, didn't smell half as good as this. Was this the allure of pureblooded vamp blood? Even just a taste... His heart hammered in his chest as he absentmindedly bared his neck. To be taken by this vamp would feel so good, so good, sogoodsogood--

Heero shook his head, snapping himself out of it. Shit. Ghouls were supposed to be somewhat immune to this.
"I need blood," Heero murmured, looking away. There were plenty of suppliers at the base camp set up who could give him some; he doubted any of them smelled as good as this though.

Heero is basically a bounty hunter but for vampires. He's not going to kill some random fucking person, mostly because it would mean killing a rando vamp for $0.00 and he's gotta eat like everyone else.

So, he needed to commit a sin for it to be over.  Maybe he could just goad this one into killing him in self-defense…

or you could wait until sunrise and then GO OUTSIDE.

He pushed himself up off the floor in a half-hearted lunge, still crying, barely able to see through the tears.  “Kill me or I’ll kill you!”  He pushed at Heero’s chest, trying to pin him against the wall and wipe the terrified look from his face so it wouldn’t give him away.

You're telling me this is the same person who wrote a "gritty and dark reboot" of ATLA where fucking Katara was a blood bender who nearly drowned, was assaulted and raped in front of Zuko, a bunch of people were lit on fire or otherwise met really (needlessly) gruesome ends "just because"?

If I hadn't read the fic myself I wouldn't have fucking believed it either. She considered that her "magnum opus".

You go from rape, torture, immolation, brutal violence...to Duo shaking and crying halfheartedly trying to goad Heero into killing him... Like. Make it make sense.

And if anyone is wondering, "Did she do this to try and protect your sensitivies?" If she did, that's hilarious. That's ultra fucking hilarious considering some of the shit I was RPing BEFORE, DURING, AND AFTER THIS.

1.) 1x2 AU where Heero works for a drug lord and is supposed to assassinate Duo for non-payment of his drug debts. Heero is also an addict who pays Kurai (the drug lord) with his ass. Heero nearly dies in a huge shoot out that leaves one guy with half his head missing, Duo escapes and Heero is more or less assumed dead. The sequel to that was Heero and Duo end up finding each other again and they're both horrendously fucked up. Heero's misusing all sorts of substances and also self harming, Duo keeps leaving him, it's a Mess.

2.) A whole bunch of 2x1 BDSM where Heero was Duo's collared submissive. Sometimes Zechs joined in (played by a third person). There was a lot of mpreg.

3.) Winnermart, which had Heero getting run over and hit by a car driven by Quatre's sister. Heero also got sexually assaulted multiple times by multiple people. There was a lot of mpreg, there were some miscarriages, Heero was incredibly fucked up in the head and various points. Tentacles, various sex toys, mpreg... All involved.

4.) RPs with Sara where Relena's friend Ronalda was groomed by both her father and her brother, ended up marrying her brother and giving him a bunch of kids. We also RPed a lot of incest and otherwise fucked up situations in FE fandom.

Nothing scares me or offends me. I've written and RPed it all. You want dark shit? I'll give it to you, but be warned: it might be too dark for you.

(I write a lot of stuff that, if I posted it, it would be "dead dove: do not eat".)

Heero scoffed at the half-hearted attempt, but decided to humor him and at least let him get pinned to the wall.
"I don't think you could kill a fly at this point," he said, "let alone someone who shares a third of Vamp blood."
"He's right," said a voice from the loft of the warehouse, low and guttural, face twisted into a snarl. "Look at who's come to play with a Vamp Hunter." The voice belonged to a man with hair resembling dreadlocks, though the neon colouring made him look more cybergoth. "The new head of Clan Maxwell wouldn't be able to kill a human considering he's a vegetarian." He spat at the last word. "Honestly, Hunter, you'd be doing the vampire world a favour if you rid us of him."

I agree with this guy who randomly popped in out of nowhere!

Heero narrowed his eyes. "You're not a Maxwell."
"Thank the God that has forsaken me I'm not," the man snarled. "From Clan Rossellini. My name is Antonio. You'd better remember it, Hunter."
Heero wasn't intimidated. The Rossellini Clan was a relatively new one, created only a century ago as opposed to the millennia most clans had been around. Antonio circled them from above, his face twisted in a maniacal grin, showing off the fangs most vampires kept hidden unless they were feeding. The Rossellini Clan did not give two shits.

"First I'll get rid of the Hunter," Antonio said, "because vampires killing their own kind is still apparently against the Laws of Co-Existence."

I guess killing the witness to the crime you're about to commit makes sense in a way. But are you good enough at dispatching a Hunter before the vampire?

like I doubt this Duo can fight much 

He looked straight at Duo. "And then I'll kill this pup and let someone who isn't afraid of human blood take over the clan."
"If you're going to break the Laws," Heero said, "at least keep your intentions to yourself." He pulled out his stake. "I'm gonna have to stake you."
Antonio laughed. "I'd like to see you try."

Heero pushed Duo out of the way before extending the stake and nearly catching Antonio in the shoulder before he moved and, using his supernatural power only granted to him because of his vampire blood, threw Heero through a wall. Heero winced as he felt several ribs crack and tasted blood in his mouth. Before he could move, there Antonio was on top of him.
"I'm not like those old geezer vamps," Antonio said, face inches from Heero's. "You're out of your league." He grinned.
"Go fuck yourself," Heero said, before spitting on his face. Antonio couldn't help but lick at the blood, and he growled as the taste intoxicated him.
"Learn your place," he ground out, pinning Heero underneath him.
"And where...exactly would that be?"

This is a good start, younger me, but Heero needs more sass imo.

"Go fuck yourself," Heero ground out, before spitting in his face.
"Learn your place." Antonio's face was mere centimetres away. "I am the predator and you are my prey, human."
"You must have that backwards... I'm the Hunter, you are my prey. My place is on top of you with my stake inside you."
Antonio growled.
"You can have my dick inside you too if you're a good little vamp for me."
"How dare you???"

"A goddamn hole in the ground in pieces," Antonio replied, before taking the dagger that had once belonged to the now dead head of Clan Maxwell and slashing Heero's throat open, blood spraying the wall behind him. Heero sputtered as he grabbed at his neck, Antonio laughing as he stepped away, but not before licking the dagger's blade clean.

And then Heero would fucking kick the blade handle once it was in Antonio's mouth essentially stabbing him in the back of the throat and be like
"Bet you wish that was my dick."

"One last meal before you die, Duo," Antonio said. "He's absolutely divine."
Heero tried to stem the blood flow, but even the vamp blood pumping through his veins was not enough to mend him fast enough. At this rate, he would bleed out--and soon.
"Fuck you," Heero said, trying to get up, but not succeeding. His head spun and he nearly threw up. "I won't die to a fucker like you."

Meh I feel like "fucker" isn't appropriate for Heero in this situation. "Asshole" would be way better imo...

Duo caught himself against the wall when Heero pushed him, righting himself and spinning around to watch in horror as the other vampire threw Heero against the opposite wall like a sack of potatoes.

He froze as they both fought, feeling as though he wasn’t really there.  Was the hunter really...defending him?  Was he going to…?

I am completely amazed that Duo even survived this long (however long that might be) as a vampire because I feel like the way Rachel has him characterised, Duo would forget he's a vampire and go outside in broad daylight to check the mail and wonder why his flesh is burning...

Duo is a Sims 2 vampire lmao

It's like Rachel couldn't be assed to even attempt an action/fight scene, left it up to me to handle on my own (like everything else), and have Duo just fucking stand around with his thumbs up his own ass.

The sight of his father’s dagger brought him out of it, and he gasped as it tore Heero’s throat open.

Duo you are fucking worthless as a vampire, as a human, as something sentient.

And at Antonio’s taunt, he felt something inside of him snap.  Hard.

Really? Tony being like "ey you gotta drink some of him, he's divine! oh yeah you're gonna die when you're done lol" is what brings Duo into this fight???

His eyes flashed red, the signature of the Maxwell Clan, as he pushed off the wall

lol what? Like...vampire eyes do change colour, just...not like that. Not flashing like textures are missing or something. 

He wasted no time whatsoever, leaping into a flying kick like a serpent’s strike.

I feel like I see this all the time in "kung-fu" movies. 

No time to dodge.  Bone crunched under the sole of his boot as he kicked the other vampire into the pavement.  He landed on both feet, grabbing the stake Heero had dropped amidst the action.

...wait. He did?

*quickly rereads through their younger self's tag*

He did not. Heero didn't drop anything. If he had I would've stated that.

Antonio sat up, dazed.  Then scowled.  “So you’re not as spineless as you look.  Ain’t you breaking your code, puppy?”

Duo growled, never having heard himself sound so menacing.

oh yeah I'm sure you sound so terrifying /s 

“You’re not human.  You don’t count.”

With that, he charged, kicking Antonio to the ground once more, face down, before unceremoniously shoving the stake through his back.  He screamed, flesh melting off his bones before they blackened and crumbled into ashes.

Duo ran back to where Heero was still bleeding on the ground.  He’d gotten him good.  He had maybe a few minutes left, if that.  Not even time for vamp blood to heal him.

He would likely need a fuckton of vampires giving him blood to heal him but it would be easier to turn him tbh.

Shit.  And all because of me…

No lmao because from the sounds of Antonio's dialogue, he was also tailing Duo's father with every intention of taking him out so he could take his Domain or what have you. You being there was a bonus, but Heero and Tony here probably would've fought either way.

It would've gone better if you didn't stand around with your thumbs up your anal cavity instead of, idk, helping? Like it seems like Antonio is an antagonist to you and to Heero, so the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Heero and Duo both hate Antonio, so it would make sense for them to team up against their enemy-in-common, and then worry about killing each other or whatever later.

But Rachel's Duo is fucking idiotic so why would that happen? Don't you know everything has to be Duo's fault in order to have delicious (in her opinion) wangst???

“H-Hunter…?”

Is now really the time to like, reach out and ask if he's okay?? You see all the blood pouring out of him right now, right?? Like are you that big of an idiot to tell someone bleeding to death, "Hey, are you okay? Do you need a bandaid and some ointment???"

R!Duo: you know, some bandaids and some ointment'll fix that right up!
Heero: /choking on his own blood
R!Duo: k I got like, the huuuuge bandaid for like, your knee—
Heero: gargle
R!Duo: annd I got the kind that's for like, a foot or something
Heero: blood spurts out his mouth
R!Duo: aaaand I got—oh Hunter, u ok bro?
Heero: D-Dying...
R!Duo: well I'm trying to patch you up!

Heero groaned as he tried to stay conscious, tried to stay alive, but that was beginning to be a losing battle. Blood was seeping through his fingers as he tried in vain to keep the blood circulating inside his body, but he only had a few minutes if he was lucky before he met the same fate both his parents did. His vision was blurring and his extremities felt cold.
"I don't..." His head lolled to the side a little. "I don't want to die..." He laughed a little. "Like that's even...possible at this point." He looked at Duo. "Guess you'll get to live, huh? Watch a Hunter die, go...about your..." He put more pressure on his throat but at this point it didn't matter. "Just turned...eighteen and I'm already dead."

Heero leaned his head against the wall, his arm losing strength as it fell to his lap.
"I don't want to die... Even a Ghoul like me...has something he wants to stay alive for..."

Duo felt a pull at his gut.  This guy was about to die because of him.  And he was begging not to.

I think Heero is dying because of Tony, who is now a pile of ash on the floor, but he will be dead because you're just like "oh no my promise".

There is a way…

Oh no.  It was one of the things he’d vowed to never ever do, besides drink from a human.  He couldn’t possibly…

Heero is going to die because Duo is a fucking weenie.

He doesn’t want to die.  You can grant that wish, and this is the only way.

He looked down at Heero again.  At him begging and pleading as life continued to pool around him on the pavement.

That's a weird euphemism for "blood", using "life".

You’re out of time.

“You won’t die tonight,” he whispered.

Duo grabbed the knife that had been dropped in the struggle, and carefully opened the vein in his wrist.  He pressed the wound against the one in Heero’s neck as he cradled him, closing his eyes and silently pleading forgiveness.

I have read many, many things about vampire lore in both history (so IRL vampire lore) and I have read a lot of fiction concerning vampires, and I don't think I have ever seen someone get turned into a vampire because a vampire pressed his bleeding wrist or whatever against an open wound on the person they want to turn.  Like. What kind of vampires are these? Is vampirism a communicable disease like HIV???

Heero barely heard the whisper before he felt something sticky against his neck as arms cradled him. His whole body was slowly filled with a feeling Heero had never experienced before...It felt good. Who knew dying would feel so euphoric? He moaned as the feelings mounted and he bit his lip, panting, eyes half closed as he weakly gripped at the ground underneath him.
"Thanks for..." He gasped before moaning, his hips rolling of their own accord and Heero had no idea why. "Thanks for staying with me so I...don't die alone at least..." He pressed Duo's wrist against his neck more. "If I wasn't...well, bleeding all over...I'd let you go. Maybe you're the one decent...vamp of your clan."

Heero cried out, bucking his hips now as his blood tapered off. This was it. In just a few short moments he'd be joining his parents. All because of some asshole vamp. His whole body tensed and he screamed shortly before he slumped over and everything went dark.

at this point Heero should be dead, because even if it is some kind of blood pathogen thing, it wouldn't work quick enough to do anything, because Heero is bleeding out quicker than anything is going in.

So congrats, Duo. He's fucking dead.

Duo stroked his hair as he watched him react to their blood mingling.  Creating another vampire wasn’t a simple matter of biting; it was a transfusion of sorts.  A vampire’s blood had to enter a human’s bloodstream in enough quantity to completely overwhelm them.

I have to ask: How exactly would this work in practise? If someone has a cut on their neck and I open up a vein in my arm and press it to their neck, do you  really think that my blood is going to end up inside their body? No. It's going to comingle with what's coming out of their body. It has to be put into the person's bloodstream. How do you accomplish that? The same way you get anything into your bloodstream orally: drinking it.

Heero needs to drink Duo's blood. What Duo is doing right now is effectively useless. 

He felt Heero shiver and tense and practically writhe, wondering vaguely what it must feel like and unable to really tell if it was pleasure or pain or both.  He decided it mustn’t feel bad if Heero was pressing their wounds tighter together.

I think when we were like, planning this RP out, I had the idea of Heero being a Toreador, and when you're Embraced obviously you are whatever clan your sire is, so that would make Duo a Toreador as well. Their bites are said to be quite pleasurable, which makes sense when you think about it.

He continued to stroke his hair, to soothe him, even as the transformation seemed to reach it’s peak.  He caught Heero as he slumped and blacked out in his arms, the bleeding stopped finally.  Carefully he lifted him up, carrying him back to the mansion.

Is this mansion like right next to the warehouse?? 

Maybe that wasn’t particularly wise, but he sure as hell couldn’t leave him out here.

He brought him inside, up to the master bedroom.  Stripped and washed the blood and dirt and ash from their skin even as Heero slept through it.  Washed his hair, combed it, before laying him down in bed and covering him.  He would sleep a long time,  All new vampires did, as the transformation completed.

Rachel does weird things with her sentence structure. Fragments, very little description, it's all clinically matter-of-fact like a to-do list.

It doesn't mention Duo dried Heero so I am just imagining Duo putting a sopping wet body on his bed and then putting a duvet over him. Like. Seriously?

Here's what the "Washed his hair, combed it, before layingh him down in bed and covering him. He would sleep a long time, All new vampires did, as the transformation completed" line would look like if written better (grabbed from this comment I made about being able to recover some of the original snark for this RP):

Duo's attentions turned from Heero's now clean body to his still dirty hair. Grabbing a bottle of shampoo and squeezing out a generous amount, he lathered it between his hands a little before scrubbing through Heero's hair in an almost aggressive manner. It wouldn't do to only get half of the grime and viscera out, and Duo wasn't the type to do shit half assed. He sat back and grinned at a job well done before rinsing all of the soap off. The state of the bath water was...grim, to say the least, and Duo was glad when he could release the tub stopper and watch it go down the drain.

Retrieving Heero from the tub, Duo wrapped him in a nice fluffy towel and grabbed another to dry Heero's hair with. Seeing Heero nice and clean and now mostly dry, Duo couldn't help but admire his form. He was muscled, but lean, with an oliveish complexion that would, in time, turn paler. Duo frowned at that. Once Heero's hair was only slightly damp, Duo took it upon himself to comb it out, taking care to get all of the snags and knots out without hurting him too much, or that was his hope at least. Once that was done, Duo dressed Heero in some spare sleep clothes he had in one of his dresser drawers, before laying him down in bed and covering him with one of the duvets.

Heero would sleep for a while, at least a week if not longer; so much could happen during that time, like the transformation failing to take hold and killing him instead. Every vampiric change was tossing a handful of D6 and hoping the odds were good.

Does that not look so much better?

I am convinced Rachel is allergic to description, because holy fuck. Her writing is just so...lifeless.

Duo took a seat in the overstuffed chair in the corner, watching him sleep.

“I’m sorry, Hunter…  I’m so sorry.”

"I'm sorry I saved your life like you more or less asked me to. I should've let you die."

When Heero awoke, he had no idea where he was, or how long he had been out for. Was it all a dream? No, it couldn't have been a dream--something felt different. He couldn't exactly put his finger on it. He looked at his surroundings. He looked to be in a rather large bed in an equally large bedroom that looked rather Victorian in nature, or at least some kind of 'Victorian Gothic' that was romanticised in television shows. He was thirsty--his throat was burning--but there was nothing to drink and you didn't just ask for a drink when you were in a strange place. Heero knew better.

There in the corner was the boy from before, curled up in the chair. His eyesight seemed to be enhanced--was this because of all the vamp blood he had consumed? What was his name? His brow furrowed in thought as he tried to remember. No matter. He could always ask later. Right now he was so thirsty...

"Do you..." Even his voice sounded parched. "I need something to drink... My mouth feels like sandpaper..." He pulled the duvet back. "Or...you could tell me where the kitchen is so I can get water myself..."

Honestly Heero you would be better off just getting up and leaving.

After finding some clothes of course.

And then leave after. Like maybe once Duo leaves to get the water, you should raid his closet for something, and then jump out the window and run.

Duo looked up, seeing he was awake, and came over to the side of the bed.  He pulled the duvet back up a little, blushing and noting that he hadn’t dressed Heero in anything after bathing him.  “Y-Yes.  I’ll get it for you.”

Which is kind of weird but okay (the leaving him naked thing).

idk why he pulls the duvet back from Heero's body, idk what that has to do with getting Heero water I READ THIS COMPLETELY WRONG. Heero is the one who pulled the duvet back, probably because he was too warm. Duo is putting the duvet back where it was before Heero messed with it. I was thinking the "he" in He pulled the duvet back up a little was referring to Duo, and I thought it said "He pulled the duvet back a little."

This sentence can be rewritten to make it a lot clearer who is doing what: Duo looked up and saw Heero was awake; Duo walked over to the bed, over to Heero's side of it, right when Heero pushed away the duvet, causing Duo's face to burn. Duo pulled the duvet up and recovered Heero's body, realising with mild embarrassment that he [Duo] forgot to dress Heero after bathing him last night.

People think they might get too repetitive if they use names too many times, but it's like using "said": you don't even notice it's being used until something weird is taking its place. It's easier to keep track of answers when you use names instead of relying almost solely on pronoun usage.

He left to get some water from the kitchen, handing him the glass.

Makes it sounds like he went downstairs to the kitchen, got a glass, and then tried to hand it to Heero in the kitchen. Did Duo teleport?

Duo turned on his heel and left for the kitchen to get Heero the water he desired. Grabbing a plain old drinking glass, Duo filled it with water from the tap and returned to Heero's side, where he thrust out the glass of water, nearly spilling it.
"Let me go get you some clothes." 

He knew he would need blood soon.  But how to break the news and where to get him a meal…

Duo knew Heero would need to feed soon—but how to break the news to him about his newly acquired vampirism, and where to get him the blood he desired at this hour of the night?

Goddammit, he really should’ve thought this one through a little better.

Honestly he would've been better off just leaving Heero for dead. I know it would be a super short RP then, but it would've been for the best.

Heero gingerly took the glass, nodding in thanks before taking a large gulp of it. Though the water certainly felt refreshing, it did nothing to quench his thirst. Maybe I need more, he thought, so he drained the glass and still felt empty, still felt thirsty. He frowned before looking at Duo.
"I'm still thirsty despite drinking something." Heero's brows knitted in confusion. "What happened? How long have I been asleep to the point where a glass of water doesn't help anything?" Heero blinked as he held the empty, cold glass in his hands.

"Am I dead?"

"Yes. Technically speaking, you are dead. Like. dead-not-dead."
"So undead."
"Yeah. Yeah 'undead'."

Duo averted his eyes, sitting on the bed once again.  “...Technically.”

He took the glass from him.  Last thing he needed was him breaking it.  “I...I changed you.”  He winced, bracing himself for the reaction.  Heero had nothing to stake him with and Duo was tempted to correct that.  It would only serve him right.

Heero is literally a Ghoul, so he is a human with a bunch of vampire perks on virtue of feeding off of (but not being drained by) a vampire's blood.

“Water won’t quench your thirst.”

He didn’t have to spell out the rest.  And if need be he knew exactly where the boy’s first meal would have to come from.”

lol random quotation mark gj Rachel

but also why the fuck are we eating vampires? Like that is a thing you can do in VtM, but you typically do it to take that vampire's power, whether their individual power or that vampire's clan power, and add it to your own (which is how a lot of the different clan variants were made). As a practise it is heavily frowned upon.

Heero stared at the bed covers at first. Changed. The euphemistic term one used instead of just saying he was turned into a vampire.

VtM uses "Embraced"; a lot of the terminology surrounding vampires is kind of euphemistic in a sexual sort of way. Biting is "kissing", creating a vampire is "embracing", new vampires are "Childer", etc. etc. 

It was nicer than telling someone that clinically and for all intents and purposes, they were deceased. The Hunter was now the Hunted. He nodded slowly.
"I see," was all he said. Heero was a Ghoul--had been a Ghoul. Someone who, once upon a time for whatever reason, tasted vamp blood and was granted the tiniest taste of vampire powers. The catch was the stuff was more addictive than heroin but unlike heroin, it was perfectly legal and very easy to obtain. Ghouls were basically the vampiric runts, one third vamp as opposed to Dhampirs who were half and half, though they were born, not made like Ghouls. But now... Heero was the prey he hunted. And granted, most vamps were perfectly fine. Just like humans, there were some assholes who needed to be put down or else they made life and the afterlife pure hell.

"I can think of worse things," Heero said. "Although I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be dead. As in dead-dead, not...vampire dead. You...said you changed me but..." Heero looked at him. "Why would you save the life of the guy who killed your father? Why didn't you just let that Rossellini asshole pour all my blood out on the pavement?" He turned away. His head was hurting and he felt a little faint.

"If water won't work... Where's the nearest Feeding Market so I can get my fix? Or are there none around here--wherever 'here' is?"

I just love how Heero is very nonchalant about this whole vampire business. Like, "Oh. Well. I knew it would happen eventually, just a matter of when."

(In the fic version of this I am making, Heero is literally waiting for his vampire boyfriend to Embrace him, has permission and everything from the Prince, and all of this happens before his boyfriend gets a chance to.)

Duo looked down at his wrist.  “My father deserved it.  I can’t begrudge you that at all.  I...I did it because you kept saying you didn’t want to die.  And you were dying because of me…”

Again not really true, but whatever, I guess, makes you feel better or sleep well during the day.

His voice cracked on the last word.  He couldn’t help it.  “I’m sorry.  You’re...You’re still going to be weak for a bit.  I can...run out and grab you a meal.”

"Great, I'm game for some Taco Bell."
"You know we can't eat people food, right?"
"...sounds like a skill issue to me. It doesn't satiate hunger like blood does, but it's still tasty."
"You're weird."
"My boyfriend is a vampire. I'm used to it."
"...wait what boyfriend???"

Trowa Barton has entered the chat.
"This boyfriend."

(The Cuck Saga continues...)

"Oh," Heero said, acting like going to 'sleep' human one day and waking up a vampire the next was something to not be concerned about in the least. "I suppose that is reasonable. You saved my life and for that I... Thanks."

Heero would have commented that Duo made it sound like he was making a burger run at a McDonalds, but he decided not to make things more awkward than they already were, so he just simply nodded.

I mean there's nothing wrong with a little levity.

"I thought you didn't hunt humans?" he asked. "At least that's what everyone has told me, that the heir to the Maxwell Clan wants very little to do with humans and prefers to stay away from them.

I mean that would be me as a vampire

but also that's me as a human too so

Unless you're planning on bringing rats or..." He looked at his hands. "Sorry, but I don't know if vamps can feed on each other or...if that does anything weird. I've got a lot to learn, I guess."

maybe there's a school you can go to to learn how to be a vampire idk

like a vampire academy

casually namedrops Vampire Academy series by Richelle Mead, a series he read in high school

Duo swallowed thickly.  “I don’t.  But I can...procure one for you if you wish.”  He looked up but not at Heero, wondering when the sheer horror of it was going to really hit him and when he would finally round on Duo like he was supposed to.

Is this the vampire AU RP equivalent of "when is Heero gonna kick in my teeth because of my Brogue?" from Piano Bar?

why is Heero expected to commit random acts of violence it's like Rachel wanted me to play him as some kind of abuser or something which is completely antithetical to Heero as a character. like. I have been able to justify a lot of the shit I've had Heero do over the years just fine.

But be an intentional abuser?? No. Absolutely not. I wouldn't have Heero intentionally abuse anyone but especially not Duo, not specifically so Rachel can have Duo wibble and whinge uselessly in a puddle of his own tears... Like what would the point of that even be???

“Vampires...can...feed on each other.  But it’s...it’s looked down upon.  Not too far above feeding on animals.”

I mean humans are technically animals so if you're committing cannibalism, then... I feel like "feed on" isn't really good phrasing lol because then it does sound like cannibalism.

He looked at his wrist.  “If you’re too hungry to wait, it’s an option.”  He held his wrist out to him, still unable to meet his eyes.

we get it he can't look Heero in the eyes because he's "not worthy" or whatever the fuck which still doesn't make a lick of sense.

"oh I made him this way so I owe him"

you literally saved his life????

Heero blinked as he looked at Duo's wrist. Hunger surged inside him and the thirst from needing blood damn near consumed him. He took Duo's wrist, tracing over the veins with his thumb before licking his lips. He felt his fangs emerge and though the wrist was tempting, Heero had never seen vamps 'kiss someone's wrist' as it was often put. He tugged Duo onto the bed before crawling on top of him and mouthing along his neck. He lapped at Duo's pulse point--or where one would be--before baring his fangs and biting him. He moaned as blood filled his mouth and overwhelmed his senses, drinking deep as he stroked Duo's arm and cheek. Duo's blood was like tasting the sweetest and the best of all the wine in the world.

Heero had to force himself away before lapping at the wound he practically tore into Duo's neck.

too bad he didn't tear Duo's throat out and end all of this sooner

He licked it and stared in morbid fascination as it closed, healing completely as if he hadn't just nearly torn a chunk out of his sire's neck. He licked at the blood on his lips, his eyes practically glowing they were so damn blue and he felt so fucking alive, like he could scale mountains like they were no big deal at all.

I mean he could probs do that before he was a vampire lmao

"You taste sweet," Heero said, staring into his eyes. "So sweet and...and...I want more. I need more." He couldn't help but contemplate if other places on Duo also tasted sweet, but then stopped himself. He had just met the ethereally beautiful heir to the Maxwell Clan's ornately gold and bejeweled throne and here he was, contemplating what it would be like to kiss him. He traced Duo's mouth with his thumb, letting the bed covers fall away from him as he shifted on the bed.

"I want more blood that tastes as sweet as you."

This is the worst time to remember Midorin was Ayato in Diabolik Lovers and Heero was just fucking slurping on Duo's neck like Ayato was doing to whatsherface in like, the first episode.

Duo froze at first when Heero took his wrist, bracing himself.  A particularly hungry vampire’s bite could be excruciating, especially that of a new, inexperienced one.  And most started with the wrist, since it was easier to find the vein and not as...intimate...as other places.

But then he felt Heero pull him down to the bed, and his eyes widened.  What the hell was this guy doing?  Was he…?  Oh god…

Was he what? Was he about to bite him?

Duo felt Heero pull him down onto the bed, his eyes widening in both shock and fear. What the hell was this guy planning to do? Was he going to feed from his neck instead of...? Oh god... would've probably been a lot better...

Duo gasped at the sensation, back arching with a mind of its own as a feeling of pure euphoric bliss lanced through him.  That soft mouth

it's like no matter what Heero is doing or what fucking universe this is, Heero's mouth is always somehow "soft" and honestly fam I am so fucking tired of this

his hands are soft
his skin is soft
his eyes are soft
his everything is somehow soft even when it's inappropriate for someone who uses his hands a lot to have soft hands it's even more hilarious to me when he's in his canon universe and he has "soft hands" as a fucking Gundam pilot like

does he keep hand cream in the cockpit? he constantly moisturising his hands???

at his neck, the way Heero’s hands wandered over his arm and cheek.  It felt good.  So fucking good.  Duo tried to not react, to not make it known how much he was enjoying it.  It...it was hardly proper for a vampire to enjoy being bitten, much less by one he’d turned himself.

But he was failing miserably at that.  By the time Heero lapped the wound closed, he was trembling.

oh I guess whatever medical condition Duo has is flaring up again 

Flushed and panting and sweat beaded on his forehead, eyes half-lidded and hazed, and a...very distinctive and painfully pleasant throbbing settled between his thighs.

That is a sentence fragment. Like it belongs with the sentence before it.

Consider: By the time Heero lapped the wound closed, he was trembling, flushed, and panting with sweat beading on his forehead; his eyes were half-lidded and hazed over, with a very distinctive and painfully pleasant throbbing settling between his thighs.

Consider: The the time Heero lapped the wound closed, he was trembling—flushed—panting, as sweat beaded on his forehead, eyes half-lidded and hazed, a very distinctive and plainfully pleasant throbbing settling in between his thighs.

He once again avoided Heero’s gaze, shivering at that little touch to his mouth, too ashamed to face him and feeling tears well at the corner of his eyes.

oh my god Duo is crying again jfc 

He’d never felt like this before, like he was ready to crawl out of his own skin.

“Take all you like, Master,” he whispered hoarsely, voice cracking.  “It’s all yours.”

This is fucking weird. Heero isn't even your master, so why are you addressing him as such? He didn't sire you. You sired him.

This is when the RP gets weird.

"Don't call me 'Master'," Heero said.

Will Duo listen to Heero?

(No.) 

"Shouldn't I be calling you that anyway? You're the one who sired me after all." Which is why this was probably completely inappropriate, being practically incestuous. They weren't related by blood, no, although Heero supposed technically Duo's blood was what saved him and so maybe--Heero stopped thinking before his head exploded.

Being told that Duo was basically all his for the taking gave Heero a rush and he wasn't sure why. He looked deep into Duo's eyes before kissing him, soft and gentle. It didn't last very long before Heero pulled away, covering his mouth before muttering an apology. He wrapped himself up in the bed covers and laid down. He was still hungry, but it wasn't as unbearable as it had been before.

"...Call me 'Heero'," he said. "My name is Heero."

WILL DUO CALL HIM "HEERO"?

(No.)

 Heero likely wouldn't be able to leave the house for a while, not as a newly sired fledgling, anyway. Besides that, he wasn't sure how the world would view someone like him. His eyes and aversion to sunlight would peg him as a vamp right off the bat, so he couldn't even pretend he was still just a little Ghoul who hunted bad vamps who thought killing humans for the hell of it was a good idea. Sure there were Hunters who were vamps themselves--no different than human police officers policing humans--but they were the exception, not the rule. And most areas were 'no feeding zones', sanctuaries of sorts where mostly humans hung out and didn't need to fear being nommed on by some stupid vampire who just happened to be thirsty. 'Feeding pens' as they were called, were places that existed mostly in vamp territory. Clubs and bars in places where vamps and humans lived together usually had a little 'blood bar' available.

But here, it was just him and Duo. He wasn't exactly sure if he could kill a vamp by feeding on them, but he didn't want to take that chance. His stomach was hurting and Heero didn't know why, but before he could say anything, he was out like a light again.

Duo was too stunned to respond to that kiss for a few seconds.  But it didn’t take long for his body to step in where his mind wouldn’t.

it's almost like Piano Bar again 

He again averted his eyes to the ceiling as Heero pulled away and he felt the mattress shift as he moved.  He felt and heard the man’s breathing settle and slow.  He was asleep.

idk why Duo can never look at Heero like what the absolute fuck

not making eye contact, whatever, I don't look in people's eyes, but why can Duo never like, look at Heero at all???

And likely still ravenous.  While vampire blood was tasty and intoxicating, it would never satisfy true hunger.  He carefully sat up, still shaking,

I am convinced Duo has like, perpetual low blood sugar or something like this is completely out of hand, him constantly shaking and shivering and what not 

getting out of bed and covering Heero.

didn't Heero just like, wrap himself in the duvet again os did I imagine that 

I did not imagine that: "He [Heero] wrapped himself up in the bed covers and laid down. He was still hungry, but it wasn't as unbearable as it had been before."

do you not pay attention, Rachel

(no)

He needed to go get him a proper meal, and fortunately he knew the right place.

It took him only a short while to find the apartment with the familiar invitation rune on it.

okay we'll just skip a bunch of description I guess, Duo just magically teleported there I guess 

“Juice boxes” the vampires called them.  Humans who agreed to be fed upon.  Some did it in exchange for perceived safety.  Others simply loved being bitten, for some reason.  And before tonight Duo had thought they were crazy because any time he’d been fed on had been horribly painful.

He entered the apartment, finding the girl in her bed.  He lifted her up, careful not to wake her, and brought her through the streets under his cloak and back to the mansion.

no that isn't sus looking at all no siree 

She was sweet, he’d used her before.  Generous and warm.

...I thought you didn't feed on people, Duo?

  He laid her in the bed beside Heero, smoothing her hair.  Now he just had to wait for him to wake up and have his first genuine meal.

Why the fuck would you do this while Heero and this girl are asleep???

Heero awoke to dizziness and to a girl in his bed.

TOTALLY NOT CONFUSING

Heero fucking wakes up and there's a random never-before-seen girl in his fucking bed like what the fuck 

Both were new to him, and Heero wondered why there was someone sleeping with him in the first place

Yeah I think the part about this that's weird is like. Duo just fucking kidnapped someone ("Oh but she had a VAMPIRES WELCOME sign on her door so it was okay!") whilst Heero was asleep...and not able to immediately drink from her. So like. What would've happened if this woman woke up? I don't think Duo was prepared for that kind of thing. I definitely don't think Rachel even gave it an ounce of goddamn thought. 

when he noticed the scarring on her neck, shoulder, and wrists. Feeders. Heero knew the signs all too well, a reminder of what he was before becoming a Hunter, of a time he didn't care to remember. She smelled sweet, probably tasted sweet as well...only one way to find out. He grabbed her hand, felt her pulse beat against his thumb as he pressed there, watched her veins swell with blood. He bit her, heard a soft moan from the slumbering girl as he drank. He knew the signs of someone who had been drained a little too much, and he knew exactly how much was "too much" from being fed on himself. He had nearly died--twice--because of it.

When Heero was satiated, he sealed her wound and saw Duo there.
"I hope you didn't kidnap some...juice box just so I could have a meal," Heero said. "I don't want to break Laws here."

Look at Heero thinking with his goddamn head. Did Duo kidnap a random woman and knock her out before dumping her next to him? 

He felt bad for the girl. She looked young, although it was often hard to tell what their true ages were since being fed on benefitted the feeder as well as the feedee. One of those benefits was slower aging in humans because of vamp saliva or some shit--Heero didn't know the exact science behind it.

"She's sweet," Heero said softly. "Sweet, but not as sweet as you." There was an aroma in the air Heero had never smelled before. He felt...strange. Tingly.

Vamp pheromones. Someone's thirsty lmao

"Come here," Heero said, his voice husky. "I...I need you."

Duo felt his mouth go dry as he watched Heero feed, heard the girl’s soft, sleepy moan of content.  He licked his lips at Heero closing the wound, quickly averting his eyes back to the floor.  “She had the rune on her door.  No Laws were broken.”

I swear to god Rachel is allergic to descriptions or something. It's always "Duo [action] as [reaction to something Heero did]. He [action] at [something Heero did], before [doing something like trembling, looking at the floor, whimpering, etc.]." It's like she has a template for everything she writes. I'm surprised she hasn't resorted to fucking copying and pasting shit, just to make sure her formula is formulaing.

This doesn't make for exciting writing. This just makes for bland, boring goop that isn't even written well in terms of mechanics considering her love for things like sentence fragments instead of using em dashes or semi-colons or even just a single comma. And she wanted to query agents and get published! (Once she had a manuscript done.)

Here's how I would do something like this:
Duo licked at his parched lips as he watched Heero carefully lick her wound closed, to make sure that all that remained was a pale white scar; Duo wished in spite of himself that Heero's tongue was licking his wrist, that their eyes meeting would ignite something in this cold, slow-beating heart of his; that their arms would wrap around each other tight as they practically threw themselves at each other, their mouths moving in a frenzy as tongues and teeth and lips all came together in what most would consider a sloppy mess, but Duo would call a fit of passion. Upon hearing Heero's remark, Duo closed his mouth, wiped away the drool at the corners of his mouth, and dropped his gaze to the floor.

"She had the invitation rune on her door, so no Laws were broken. Not that it matters since I'm wanted by Hunters anyway." He looked up then. "Do you really think that low of me, Hunter, to abduct a random woman on the street, use my compulsion to subdue her, and then bring her back to you to dine on?"
"Okay..." Heero's voice, though soft, still carried suspicion. "But just because she had a 'welcome mat', as they call it, out for vampires, doesn't mean you can just grab someone from their home while they're asleep, Duo."
Duo folded his arms and tilted his head, challenging this fledging of a vampire complete with New Vampire Smell. "Is that against the Law, Hunter?"
Heero snorted. "Yeah, actually, it is."
Duo clenched his jaw, incensed now. "Where?!?"
Heero gave him the most deadpan stare. "It's not just breaking the Masquerade, Duo, it's literal abduction—it breaks human laws as well. You know, the people you're supposed to be pretending you belong to? You have to abide by them too."
Duo gave a groan of disgust as he ran a hand through his fringe. "This is why I don't leave the house, Hunter."
"If only your father had done the same, I wouldn't have had to stake him and end up in this mess."
"'All Hunters become what they hunt', isn't that what they say?" Duo's voice conveyed the barest hint of amusement. "So you would've become a vampire eventually anyway."

He shivered at the command that came next.

lmao Heero has been speaking softly this entire time, you would KNOW if he was commanding you, because I would've fucking said so. It would've been "Come here," he commanded, his eyes and body language showcasing how urgently Heero needed him or summat like it.

Duo shivered at Heero's words, felt the urgency of his "I need you" ride straight down to his dick, barely resisting the urge to reach out to him and have him—take him—claim him. But he couldn't. 

But he was a servant, he couldn’t not obey.

Duo hadn't discussed this with Heero, which he knew was a mistake, of course, but how to bring it up? How Duo was more or less indebted to a brute of a man who made him unto a servant who had to obey every single word and order given, or else he faced punishment the word 'sadistic' didn't even cover. A man who insisted Duo call him "master" even as he stabbed him in the back with weapons made of silver and twisted the knife—he was to say "thank you, Master" in response. 

Shakily he stood and came over to the bed, prepared to be bitten and drained and tortured like his own sire had done so many times.

Duo walked with false confidence over to this man to whom Duo now owed his life to—Heero could've staked him without a second thought once he learned the truth of his identity and then left—before coming to a stop, his knees brushing against the bedding as he brought himself within Heero's reach.

Some of you might be asking: Who is Duo's sire? Is the his father? Is that some other person?

I don't have an answer for you. I don't think Rachel had any idea what she was talking about. What else could "sire" possibly mean? Outside of a respectful address for royalty (like what people call Marth for instance), it all has to do with creating progeny. And that is literally what it refers to in Vampire the Masquerade, where your sire is the person who Embraced you and made you a vampire.

Is Duo's father also his sire? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Your guess is as good as mine. 

But even the anticipation of searing hot pain couldn’t completely quell what that voice did to him.

Even as Duo braced himself for the searing hot pain of a silver bladed dagger caressing his skin and drawing blood to the surface, he found himself pining still for Heero's voice, the softness and almost gentle way he spoke. It gave him hope that maybe Heero would be different. Maybe he would hold Duo in his arms like he mattered to him, like he belonged there. It all depended on what Heero needed him for. Was it to satiate his appetite, either sexual or hunger? Was it for amusement? Companionship? Torture? His eyes scanned across Heero's features Duo's fingertips itched to touch, his hands flexing restlessly at his sides as he resisted reaching out to touch Heero's cheek.

He stood before the bed, kneeling next to it and opening his shirt enough to give Heero room to do as he wished with a resigned sigh and head bowed in submission.

Duo pulled out a foot rest of sorts from underneath the bed and knelt down on it like he was kneeling down during Confession to talk about all of the sins he'd committed, with Heero the man who would give him punishment before penance and absolution of his misdeeds. He undid his shirt before sliding it off his shoulders and arms where it pooled on the backs of his legs, revealing a whole slew of scars all along his chest, neck, and shoulders. Duo always found them grotesque whenever he looked down at himself or in a mirror, unfortunate to be of a vampire clan able to see their reflection.

"Do whatever you want to do with me, Hunter," Duo said, his voice just a hair above a whisper. "I will repay my debt to you with my servitude." He bowed his head forward, his chin practically resting on his chest—the ultimate sign of submission.

Heero quirked an eyebrow at that act of submission. What did Duo think he was going to do? And why was he kneeling by the bed?
"Duo..." He stroked Duo's cheek with his knuckles. "You don't need to kneel by the bed. I need the girl brought back home,

DID DUO SERIOUSLY FORGET ABOUT THE GIRL???

HERE HE IS GETTING DOWN ON HIS KNEES LIKE HE'S GOING TO PRAY BEFORE BED

AND THE GIRL IS STILL THERE????

first of all, since I don't want her waking up and getting scared by her unfamiliar surroundings. And then..." He patted the bed next to him. "I want you to lay with me." He leaned over the side of the bed and kissed him again. "You don't have to kneel and be my servant."

Heero probably thinking this entire thing is fucking weird

That aroma in the room got stronger and Heero wanted to do dirtier, more terrible things to this boy. He couldn't do that to Duo.

Not since Duo is so fucking weird about everything, I can't even blame Heero for being completely turned off. Like. 

He probably wasn't even interested in him in the slightest. And why would he be?

My Heero has always kind of been like "idk why anyone would find me attractive, it's kind of weird, I'm just a guy." 

Could vamps even...do that sort of thing with each other?

Vampires can have sex, it's just done different from humans. I don't know in what ways that it's different, but I'm guessing because the blood circulation isn't what it used to be, it's harder to get erections and things like that, so it probably focuses less on like, penetration I would think? I don't know. Vampires do have sex in VTM: Bloodlines but you don't see them do it, just hear the noises lmao 

He had never seen two vamps go at it. Maybe he would spend the rest of eternity perpetually celibate.

Heero wouldn't have a problem with that tbh I headcanon him as somewhere on the asexual spectrum personally

like he likes sex? it's fun sometimes? it's fine? but if he was told he could never fuck someone again, he would be okay with that. 

Heero had never had sex so he couldn't miss something he had never experienced.

"When you return, there are some...questions I'd like to ask."

"How the fuck do vampires fuck???"

Duo shivered at the touch to his face.  It was...soft.  Unfamiliar.  Nothing like the way his sire would touch him.  He returned the kiss obediently, somehow managing to hide his confusion at Heero’s words.  That was the whole point.  He’d damned him to a literal Hell on earth.  He owed him this much.  If for nothing else than to suffer the punishment for breaking his vow.

Duo flinched at Heero's touch to his face. It was unfamiliar and nothing like the way the Brute would touch him. It left him filled with confusion, his brain fuzzy. Duo returned Heero's kiss, which was also so different—it wasn't making any demands, it didn't hurt, Heero wasn't trying to tear his lip off or make him bleed. He wasn't making any demands. The complete opposite of the Brute.

Even with the Brute gone from his life, Duo still felt that he owed Heero something. He made Heero this way, after all. Yeah, it was in response to Heero expressing how much he didn't want to die, but Duo could've easily left him there, he could've exited the warehouse and left Heero to bleed to death or else become another vampire's snack. But he didn't. The only promise he had left—never Embrace someone—was broken now; he'd cursed Heero to a special kind of hell as a result.

The least I can do, Duo thought, is serve you in all the ways that you see it fit for me to.

He nodded, rising once more and picking the girl up again, making his way back to her apartment and putting her to sleep in her own bed.  Humans who were willing feeders rarely remembered the encounter.  Often to them it was a fuzzy dream if they were aware of it at all.

His first order: return the girl to her home. He could complete that objective without a problem. He rose from his knees. Shrugging his shirt back on, he inclined his head before scooping the young woman up in his arms and heading back out into the night. He travelled back to the city, the air cool and the streets completely empty, as he retraced his earlier footsteps until he came to her apartment block. He dropped her safely back inside her apartment, tucking her in more or less the same way as she had been before he'd picked her up, before heading back out into the night. The sky was beginning to lighten up, meaning morning was on its way.

She shouldn't remember anything that happened, Duo thought, ducking through alleyways and making use of well known shortcuts so he could return to the mansion and his new master before sunrise.

He returned to the mansion, taking his shoes off when he reached Heero’s bedroom again and timidly climbing into bed beside him as Heero had indicated before.  Once again, his head bowed in submission and awaiting command.  The universal sign among vampires of ownership.

Upon Duo's return home, he made his way up the stairs back to the bedroom, where Heero was waiting for him, looking bored and slightly disinterested in his surroundings. Toeing his shoes off and placing them neatly by the door, he entered, bowing again.
"I've returned, Master Heero."
Duo removed his clothing so Heero didn't have to bother doing so if he wanted to do anything, before climing into bed with him. He left space between the two of them, not wanting to touch Heero without permission, but close enough that he was technically "beside" him. If Heero so chose to, he could reach out and pull Duo close; part of him wanted that, desired that badly, but the other part of him screamed at him for wanting that from someone he damned to an eternity of a living hell.
"The young woman's back home."

Heero moved closer to Duo on the bed, rubbing up against his thigh without meaning to. He gasped a little at that sweet friction as he stroked Duo's arm with light, even strokes, his head resting on Duo's shoulder.
"I'll ask questions later," Heero said. "Right now I just want to stay like this with you, if you don't mind." He nosed Duo's jaw before placing a kiss there. "I don't know why but I feel so...drawn to you. Maybe it's the fact that your vamp blood saved me, but... I can't help myself."

Duo shivered at the feel of that hard heat against his leg, just lying there and letting Heero do as he wanted.  Fighting the urge to lean in closer.  He couldn’t do that unless ordered.  He was property now, as he always had been.

Duo felt a sweet electric spark as Heero brushed against his thigh and shivered from it as it ran through his nerves. Duo wanted to lean into that touch, wanted to kiss Heero back, wanted to encapsulate Heero with his arms and legs and not let him go. It took everything in him to resist that urge, to not give in; Heero had to command him to touch, kiss, and caress him.

You owe him your life. You owe him everything.

Okay so...

I don't fucking buy this whole thing with Duo, Rachel. Because like...why does Duo feel the way he does? What is the actual background behind this? Not the "I want Duo to wangst" background that I don't give a shit about, what is the in-RP reason for Duo suddenly being property? You don't give any explanations. You can't even justify the shit you pull out of your asshole. That is shitty writing.

He breathed shakily at the kiss to his jaw, his own arousal slowly creeping back into his body, flushing and heating his skin under his clothes despite how much he tried not to enjoy it.

Duo's breath caught in his throat when Heero kissed his jaw, his body tingling and hypersensitive to any physical stimuli. Despite a vampire's perpetually cool skin, Duo felt his heating up, now on par with a living person—hot for a vampire. Despite the discomfort, despite the training that had been ingrained in him for centuries at this point in time, Duo couldn't help the feel-good shiver originating from every single point Heero touched.

Here's the thing about this, okay

you acting like you don't like it isn't...a good thing. like at all. like. let's not have it seem like Duo isn't consenting unless that is actually the case. Because I'm not okay with Heero (inadvertantly) raping Duo. 

This wasn’t supposed to be pleasant.  It was supposed to be humiliating and painful, just as the act he’d done to Heero.  He kept his eyes averted, trying to lay as still as possible.

Don't you dare enjoy this, Duo's mind screamed at him. You've brought damnation down on Heero, this Hunter. You deserve to be punished, you deserve to never feel anything except pain, and punishment, and self-loathing.
But Heero didn't want to die! Duo mentally yelled back as Heero's hands wandered where they wanted. He didn't want to die, he wanted to live!
In order to become a vampire, one must die so they can arise as a creature who forever shuns the light and dwells only in the dark of night. You killed him!

“I don’t mind anything,” he said.  “Do as you please.”

IT IS AT THIS MOMENT

WHERE I REALISED

Heero and Duo need to swap places.

No wonder I felt like I was forcing things, I was.

Duo should be the hunter. Heero should be the vampire.

Heero took that as permission as he ground his hips against Duo's thigh, mouth kissing his neck and shoulder as Heero stroked Duo's inner thigh. The smell in the air thickened and Heero realised that that smell was his arousal. Or maybe it was also Duo's. He could feel the hardness against Duo's thigh and he groaned as he wanted more, so much more.

Now that I've come to the realisation I have, this RP is even worse lol

"Take your clothes off for me," Heero whispered. "Let me see your beautiful body..." He tilted Duo's head so he could look into his eyes and nearly lost all sense of his surroundings. He wanted Duo so bad, but...was something like this okay? Was this even allowed?

NOT IF I DON'T ALLOW IT.

can I just light the rest of this on like, digital fire, and never speak of this again??

Duo shivered at that friction, that sensation of hard, throbbing heat

misread that as "meat" and like, it wouldn't have been wrong technically speaking considering what it is we're talking about but 

grinding into his leg.  But that was all the reaction he allowed himself, despite how fast his mind was racing.  How flushed his skin was becoming, how his hands were trembling.  Those kisses to his neck and shoulder felt so...warm.

lol funny considering you're both technically the living dead 

The touch to the inside of his thigh making his cock twitch against it.  But at Heero’s command

sigh

he once again averted his eyes and bowed his head in submission, starting to shed his clothes in the most clinical way he knew how.  No different than if he’d been asked to scrub the floor.

I feel like this should be something more like

Duo once again averted his eyes and bowed his head before beginning to disrobe in the most clinical way possible, like he was readying himself for a proctology examination.

I feel like that would fit better than going from "clinical" and then jumping to "scrub the floor".

This was his duty now, as it had been with his sire.  To please him.  To do whatever was asked of him.

He swallowed hard when Heero looked into his eyes, his own seemingly devoid of expression.  For only a moment before he turned away again.

Duo swallowed hard when Heero looked into his eyes, his own seemingly devoid of any emotion for the briefest of moments before he turned his head away.

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO USE FULL STOPS, RACHEL???

More vulnerable than he’d ever felt in his life.  Naked and exposed and at the mercy of a new Master he barely even knew.  A Master who wanted him like the object he was.

okay so

Heero has repeatedly rejected the notion of him being Duo's master/dominant/whatever. It's not something he wants. It seems to be something that Rachel was really, really, really pushing hard for (through Duo) and like. If you want BDSM, if you want dom!Heero and sub!Duo, you are going to have to discuss that OOC with me, instead of trying to nudgenudgenudge as hard as you can IC.

Because we have to set something up and outline all of the rules. My Heero can get carried away if you don't hold him on a tight leash.

I feel like Rachel wouldn't have Duo use safewords on purpose and back that up with some half-assed reason like "Duo feels like he doesn't deserve to use it" or something and I would end up more disgusted and my Heero would stop all play and be like "yeah I'm not feeling it, the vibe is off."

Duo's eyes were void of any expression and that confused Heero.

probably because not even Heero's eyes are completely devoid of expression and this is Heero we are talking about

Heero's emotions can always be found in his eyes 

Didn't he want this? He wasn't going to do anything if Duo wasn't willing--truly willing--to do this. Duo was beautiful, breathtakingly so, but Heero wasn't going to risk doing something potentially awful if Duo wasn't completely sure. He held Duo to him, mouth against his shoulder, and just stayed like that under the covers.

Heero: It's almost like you want me to sexually assault you or something...

"I want you," Heero said, "but I will only have you when you want me." And if that day never came, well, it never would. Heero wasn't entirely sure this was even allowed. He didn't know the rules to this society at all. Could vamps even do this? Or was it like feeding on another vampire? Especially since Duo had sired him. Would that make this incestuous? He pressed a kiss to Duo's shoulder before resting his cheek against his.
"And if you never end up wanting me...then I will never have you."

The RP should've ended here tbh

it doesn't (unfortunately) but it should've.

Duo found himself leaning into that embrace, confused.  Maybe a bit alarmed.  He...cared what Duo wanted?  Why?  Why should he?

Because Heero isn't an asshole? 

Why didn’t he just take Duo’s physical reactions as a green light to have his way with him?  Especially when Duo was all but handing him the rights to his body.

I think Heero would take a lot of issue with that. Like a lot of issue.

“Why does it matter?” he asked.  “Take what you want.  It’s your right.”

Heero: People don't own the rights to another person or their autonomy.

Had he...displeased him in some way?  Or was he maybe so disgusted by Duo having turned him that he found any attraction to him abhorrent on pure principle?  It was just strange, because Duo had never not been property.  Or at least it felt that way.  He couldn’t even remember what it was like being human.  Or how humans did things.

He swallowed dryly.  “I...I-I want whatever pleases you.”

Well that's not what Heero wants. If anything he's disgusted by the fact that you think he would want to "have his way" with you.

Was this just something vampires did? He caressed Duo's arm, felt the strong muscles there.
"What right do I have to you?" he asked. "If anything, you should own me. You are my sire, after all." He touched Duo's hip. "I care about what you want because I care about you. I don't know why, and I know it seems weird, because we've only just met, but..." He licked Duo's pulse point. "Say that you want me and I will have you. But if you don't want me, say something. Otherwise..." He stroked along Duo's thigh. "I'll make you mine."

Duo’s arm flexed under that touch, eyes sliding closed.  And the rest of him shivered at Heero licking over that point of his neck.  Every nerve in his body begging to be bitten again.  He wanted it.  God, did he want it.  And his new master was all too willing to give it to him.

There is too much back and forth and back again with this.

why do we still have three pages left

But this was improper as hell, as far as vampire culture was concerned.  Heero was right.  Sure, it was common for sires to feel attracted to their progeny, and even to act upon it.  But not in this way.  Not with the sire being meek and subservient.  It was supposed to be the other way around.  But Duo just couldn’t bring himself to be like that.

It's not that Duo can't bring himself to be like that, it's because Rachel won't LET DUO BE LIKE THAT.

He leaned into Heero’s body at that stroking along his thigh, starting to pant softly under his breath.  “I want you.”  The words were out of his mouth before he could even think about them.  A soft, desperate whisper.  “I’m already yours.”

You aren't yours in the way that Heero is referring to—

All of this back and forth for this lmao I'm mad this was so dissastifying to read

Heero kissed him, a different sort of hunger coming to the surface as he moved his hand up Duo's thigh and touched Duo's cock, stroking it softly at the base. He nipped gently at Duo's jaw and throat, tilting Duo's head so his neck was exposed more.
"What would you like me to do?" Heero whispered, before kissing Duo's pulse point. "You're practically begging to be bitten again." He ground his hips into Duo's thigh before straddling his leg. "Tell me..."

WILL DUO TELL HEERO OR WILL HE JUST BE LIKE "DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, MASTER"???

VOTE NOW ON YOUR PHONES

Duo returned that kiss without even realizing it at first, whimpering against Heero’s mouth when he touched him there.  This was different than with his own sire.  This was...soft.  Gentle.  Sweet and teasing and tender.  Inviting him to enjoy it.

He leaned his head to the side to expose his neck, fingers tangled in the sheets under him.  He swallowed thickly at the command.

Iiiiiiiit's nooooooot a commaaaaaaaand

"Tell me." is a command. "Tell me..." is so much softer, it's beseeching, it is desiring something. NOT THE SAME THING. 

Eyes still closed, breathing still heavy and shaky.  He couldn't believe this.  His master was...asking what he wanted?  Asking Duo to tell him what to do?  Could he really...?

YELL THAT TURNS INTO A SNARL

oh I didn't know my throat could do that

"B-Bite me again..." he panted against Heero's lips.  As Heero climbed over his leg, one hand rose on instinct to his master's thigh, rubbing along it.  "Just...t-touch me.  Please..."

Heero: I won't touch you anywhere if you don't stop calling me "master". I've lost track of how many times I've had to repeat myself.

Heero licked over Duo's pulse point before sinking his fangs into it, moaning as blood filled his mouth. Liquid ecstasy was all Heero could think of to describe it as he drank, one arm supporting Duo's head and shoulders. There were few things more intimate than this as his hand left Duo's cock and caressed his lower torso, memorising each curve, dip, and imperfection with his finger tips. When Heero had his fill he licked the wound closed, lapped at his fangs, and kissed Duo again, deep and needy, intoxicated by Duo's blood and the smell of his arousal. He ground his hips against Duo's thigh, his breaths coming in short spurts.

"Touch me," Heero said against Duo's blood smeared lips. "Touch me where you want." His hand slid up Duo's lower torso and chest to cup his cheek. "I want this to be as pleasurable for you as it is for me."

WILL DUO TOUCH HEERO WHERE HE PLEASES???

 Duo arched his neck into those fangs, leaning back on Heero’s arm with a soft cry of pleasure as a feeling he could only describe as a lazy, blissful warmth flowed from where Heero’s mouth met his neck through the rest of his body.  His muscles twitched and shuddered under that touch, and he couldn’t help himself as his hands settled on his master’s hips.

again with the fucking "master" thing he's not your master he doesn't want to be your master

Heero should just leave he can get undead ass anywhere he pleases

He was barely aware when Heero kissed him again, opening his mouth to it willingly with a moan.  It felt good.  So good.  So...different.  He wanted it, wanted more, didn’t care how improper it was anymore.  He wanted Heero to hold him like this, to kiss him and cradle him and talk to him in that voice until the world ended.

Do you want Duo to be treated like a baby?

That's weird.

I'm not into the "adult baby" thing so like.

No thanks.

Heero only cradles babies so.

Duo parted for breath at that command,

WHERE IS THE COMMAND? IS IT IN THE ROOM WITH US RIGHT NOW???

DO YOU ONLY KNOW LIKE, TWO WORDS? "SAID" AND "COMMAND"?????????? 

finally opening his eyes when Heero held his cheek like that, and for the first time since Heero had woken up he met that gaze with his own nearly glowing blue one.  He wanted Duo to enjoy this.  He wanted him to like it.  The thought made him shudder again.  But his hands wandered up the sides of Heero’s body regardless, caressing his chest, shoulders, collar.  Exploring him gently.  Sweetly.  But far from innocent.  “M-Master…”

*holds face in hands, screams*

How many times has Heero said for Duo to stop with the "master" thing? At least twice, right?

In Rachel's tags, "master" is mentioned nine times in reference to Heero. He calls Heero that twice, apparently.

Heero ground against Duo's thigh more, panting and gasping at the sweet friction as he leaned into Duo's touch. He couldn't get enough of him as he kissed Duo again, tongue sliding inside to explore. Heero made sure it wasn't too vulgar, that it was sweet and sensual instead. His fangs, thankfully, retracted so kissing wasn't awkward in the least and Heero gently nipped at Duo's bottom lip, chuckling a little as it swelled and reddened. He placed a tiny peck on it before sucking on it, reddening it more.

"Do you have a preference for where I touch you?" Heero asked, as he kept his stroking more towards the base. "Or are you going to just let me explore and find out?"

good very good Heero asking questions and checking in as he's P MUCH DONE THE WHOLE TIME SO FAR 

He traced with a single fingertip up the underside of Duo's cock before thumbing the head, feeling something slightly sticky.
"I guess you're enjoying it," Heero said. "That's good." He kissed Duo's jaw. "Very good... Maybe..." His voice lowered. "Maybe I can get you to come for me... See your cheeks redden, your eyes darken, your skin flush as you pant softly, maybe you'll even moan in completely bliss for me as I send you right over the edge..."

well this was wasted on her Duo tbh...

Duo’s hands settled on Heero’s hips as he opened himself to that kiss, whimpering at the coppery-sweet taste of blood on their tongues.  He gripped those hips on instinct, pulling him down into harder grinds, panting a little at Heero teasing his lip that way.

>that kiss
What kind of kiss is it?

>those hips
"He gripped those hips" why can't you ever just write something like Duo took hold of Heero's hips you always make it sound like they're just random hips or body parts or something lying around that Duo decided to pick up and parade around

>that way
Describe, for once in your goddamn life, how Heero is teasing Duo's lip, don't just say "Heero teased his lip that way" that is a fucking cop out and you know what cop outs are in writing?

Laziness. We will circle back around to this in the AFTER WORD.

I've tasted blood plenty of times and it doesn't taste sweet at all, it's very metallic tasting.

He blinked at the question, before letting his eyes close for just a moment with a shiver at that touch.  His cheeks reddened, and he looked away from Heero’s gaze sheepishly.  “I...I don’t know.  My preferences were none of his concern…”

He moaned, leaning his head to the side to let Heero kiss and tease at his jaw, a faint gasp at those words.  Heero...wanted him to come?  Well that was a new one.  He swallowed hard, carefully sliding his hands onto his master’s back.

I will save my notes for this in particular at the end too. Suffice it to say, NO ONE CAN GET IT THROUGH HER FUCKING HEAD THAT I DIDN'T WANT HEERO TREATED LIKE THIS 

Embracing him, smoothing his hair.  “Y-You would do that?...”

No.

No we're not doing that, Duo.

You're done here and I'm done here and the RP is done here.

So this is the part where I try to sum things up. After doing TEN PARTS OF THIS (holy fuck), what are my thoughts?

I will just write what I wrote on Plurk. I feel like that sums my thoughts up the best.

What would I call Rachel's writing if I had to use just one single word?

Lazy. Rachel is a lazy writer who avoids description at all fucking cost.

There are myriad examples of it but I will repeat some of the most recent ones she did:
* "That kiss" - What kind of kiss was it, Rachel? Describe the kiss and how Duo actually felt about it instead of saying some shit like "Duo leaned into that kiss".
* "He gripped those hips" - What about Heero's hips? Why can you never just say "Duo took hold of Heero's hips" or "Duo took hold of his hips", both completely viable options that fit that you never once use.
* "Heero teased his lip that way." - What way? How? With his teeth? His tongue? His fingers? His cock? It could be with anything.

Doing description—something that is a huge part of writing anything—in the way I've given examples of above, is doing description the lazy way. She does this regardless of the RP, regardless of whether it's RP or fanfiction, this is just how she writes. Bland. Flavourless. That's Rachel's writing in a nutshell. I can replace Duo's name with Samson or Bob and no one would even know it was supposed to be Duo Maxwell from Gundam Wing.

It leads me to ask, sincerely: Do you have an allergy when it comes to descriptions? Because if so, here's my advice for that—TAKE A FUCKING CLARITIN, LET IT KICK IN, AND THEN WRITE THE DESCRIPTIONS YOU ARE APPARENTLY SO FUCKING ALLERGIC TO, AND IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT, I HAVE MORE ADVICE!

STOP. WRITING.

Because I don't think I have ever in my life encountered someone who avoided using words so much but here we are.

As a writer, words are our tool to make art just like how artists use paints and pencils and markers to create their pictures. And here Rachel is treating this like it's the word version of Paint by Numbers, but instead of splashing paint in whatever spot, you just shove a word there instead. For someone to go out of your way this much just to avoid going into detail about who-what-where-when-how-why is just—laughable to me, but it isn't ha-ha funny laughter, it's "god you're really that sad and pathetic, huh?" laughter,

Pity laughing.

And Rachel had the audacity to call this "writing" when this is nothing short of abomination and disrespect to the very craft she said I disrespected with my fanfiction.

"You owe it to your craft to do better." I suggest you look in a fucking mirror and tell yourself that.

I have never said I am the best writer on planet Earth. I have never said I'm the best writer, or one of the best writers, anywhere in this universe. I write well. By my standards, I'm doing okay. People genuinely enjoy what I write and are excited to see more.

Can't really say that about Rachel, who turned angst into wangst and trauma into some kind of traumaporn fest.

She trampled on my boundaries. Multiple times throughout multiple RPs. Even outside of RP she disrespected my boundaries because they closed her out and she didn't like that. She tried to groom me into something that suited her tastes but didn't suit mine nor did it suit the tastes of anyone else who actually loved me.

My younger self from 2014-5 has been officially vindicated. The proof is all right here in the entries that make up this snark series. They can heal now knowing they were never the problem, not once. It was never their writing or characterisation that was awful or wrong.

It was always Rachel projecting her shortcomings and insecurities onto us.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel like some huge weight was removed from my body.

I'll leave y'all with a bit of trivia. You wanna know which RP Rachel nagged me about the most for me to tag back on?

Piano Bar...and this one. Moreso this one than Piano Bar, but yeah.

"What if you end up with copies of her fics, especially her Gundam Wing fics? Will you come back and snark those too?"

Of course. I doubt I'll ever find them archived somewhere, but if anyone else ever does, you know where to find me.

Comments

[sarajayechan]

I still have memories from the IRC chats on Moon Feathers where someone (it was Sunkist) typoed "Bob" with an extra O. (Bob was someone's pet pig in the RP.) It became an inside joke. I still remember laughing my ass off about it and it has stayed with me 24 years later.

WE HAD BOOB THE PIG IN OUR AIM RPS! XD

(And then later Schuldig shot Sailor Mars's pigs. I FOUND IT)

Why do vampires always live in mansions? Why can't we have some that live in like, some shack on a beach somewhere?

Mansions and castles offer that goth romantic feel more than a shack would. Or a house in the suburbs, or living in the alleys like a hobo.

Normally I'd give a character some leeway for crying after their dad just died, but considering it's ALL Rachel's Duo does? Not this time.

"The new head of Clan Maxwell wouldn't be able to kill a human considering he's a vegetarian."

When I think of veggie vamps I think of Count Duckula from that late 80s show and he was way more entertaining. Also the theme song was a banger.

With that, he charged, kicking Antonio to the ground once more, face down, before unceremoniously shoving the stake through his back. He screamed, flesh melting off his bones before they blackened and crumbled into ashes.

At least Duo didn't throw up everywhere and start crying like in this one FE3H fic where Byleth did the first time she used the Sword of the Creator to kill a lousy mook.

And man, Rachel's Duo sounds like he WANTS Heero to hurt him. It's one thing if a character's been through enough that they expect to be punched and kicked and abused, I've written and RPed characters like that. But there's a big difference between legit trauma causing someone to feel that way and practically demanding to be raped and abused and treated like shit.

I mean if Rachel wanted to play Duo as a masochist with a degradation kink why didn't she just say so?

You're done here and I'm done here and the RP is done here.

I'm so glad for you, that you managed to go through ten whole parts of this bullshit. Every RP made it clearer and clearer that Rachel was the one who had zero respect for her own craft, knew that's why you ghosted her on the RPs, and projected onto you via her SaltyVinegar sockpuppet.

I probably have some of the same bad writing habits as her, like sentence fragments, but at least I know I'm trying more than she ever has in her entire life.

I'll leave y'all with a bit of trivia. You wanna know which RP Rachel nagged me about the most for me to tag back on?

Piano Bar...and this one. Moreso this one than Piano Bar, but yeah.

Considering what a pathetic wet rag Duo is in both of these? I'm not surprised.

[omaewokorosu]

THE FLYING PIGGY NAMED BOOB HAS BEEN IN P MUCH EVERY RP I HAVE DONE FROM THAT MOMENT ON it was an inside joke of sorts that I put everywhere. He is eternal.

idk if Duo even loves his father in this since I'm still trying to figure out if his father was also his sire (and therefore his abuser) or like, if that was a separate person.

I mean if Rachel wanted to play Duo as a masochist with a degradation kink why didn't she just say so?
RIGHT and like. Heero would've spanked him or whatever the fuck and he would've degraded him without issue. It just needed to be discussed! It's like she was afraid of saying something.

I probably have some of the same bad writing habits as her, like sentence fragments, but at least I know I'm trying more than she ever has in her entire life.
The thing is there are sentence fragments and then there are the kind that Rachel does where she simply has to put like, a comma or an em dash in between the two "sentences" and it would be fine. It's like she's trying to use a full stop as an em dash and it DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT if it did we wouldn't have em dashes!

She would nudge me like "hey you still have tags to do" and I'd be like "oh. yeah. I'll get around to it!" and then I just never did.

[sarajayechan]

LONG LIVE BOOB THE PIG.

RIGHT and like. Heero would've spanked him or whatever the fuck and he would've degraded him without issue. It just needed to be discussed! It's like she was afraid of saying something.

Either that or she thought she didn't have to for whatever reason.

Yep. Like sentence fragments can work as an artistic choice or showcase a character's state of mind, but Rachel put so little thought into anything unless it could be used to play out her twisted wangst fetishes.