do you believe you can walk on water?

You wish more than ever you could go back in time
for the briefest of moments,
time key in hand with chain around your neck
to tell 18 year old you
you will get away from her and never look back.
your life will begin again at 32.
you can finally start to heal.

For the first time in 22 years you're
not suicidal and you're
not patting your back pocket
to make sure that the plan you wrote out
when you were 10 and 1/2
maybe 11
is still tucked away in there.
You don't have to look at death
as a way to escape anymore.
You found the light 🕯 at the end of the tunnel,
and it wasn't an oncoming train with
no whistle to blow to let you know it was coming
but trees and mountains and air
you could breathe without any worry.

For the first time you could see colour.
Not just colour but how vibrant leaves on trees could be.
The reds and oranges and golds
the colours you find inside a flame once lit
as they swirl all around when they fall,
dancing as you join in, the wind carrying you both along.
your life is allowed to begin the trees whisper,
as nature tries its best to heal you, return to Mother Earth
so the river can lick at and heal your wounds, these
ever-violent gashes on your heart that you insist will never heal.
they will heal, with time, with effort and with work.

You want to ask Mother Earth why you should hunger
for someone you've never once had.
She cradles you close in her arms and whispers,
Every child deserves to have the very thing you seek.
Sometimes you have to find it in people you would least expect.
Moms you've learned don't have to give birth to you in order to love you,
they will take you as their own without any problem and love you.
Mother, such a cold word for something supposedly so warm,
ends up leaving every single room with a chill in the air
for her barely beating heart is completely frozen.

It's okay to knock the statue of ice over,
watch the ice shatter into shards that quickly turn to water.
Puddles on the ground that will eventually dry like the
tears that leave salty trails down your cheeks.
For once you don't have to contemplate drowning and
for once you don't have to contemplate death or dying or
how delicate life and living can be and how easily it can be taken.
A snap of the fingers and she lost you but
with another snap of the fingers someone else gained you.
family doesn't have to share blood to be family.
family doesn't have to share blood in order to love you.
family loves and respects you just as you are,
flaws and scars and pockmarks.

You've lost nothing, darling... You've gained and regained everything.
She is the one who's lost everything...and will never regain it again.

There's bits of ash floating through the air
smell of smoke and something burning in the air.
Is it a wildfire in a distant land?
On the other side of the country? No,
it's the smell of the bridges she burned.
She holds up the matches and cries out about
how it's you who committed this arson
even though she reeks of gasoline and
reeks of accelerant.
No one believes her, little girl who always cries wolf.
You watch the flames get closer and closer to her and know--

There is one witch that deserves to be burned.
You turn away as the flames begin to consume her.

(This is what Aleks posted on our FB after everything that happened this morning:)

This morning was A Lot... The anxiety from what happened is very slowly leaving... I'm not going to rehash everything that happened in detail, because there isn't much of a point. There are important takeaways...

Egg's "mask" fell off today. Completely. She tried coming after me, but my wife made sure to protect me (especially since I was asleep). It led to disparaging comments about how messy everything is (it's not like we're busy packing for a move happening soon or anything). She left the door open so the cats could've gotten out (not that she would've cared, it's not like she likes them). We got her to go back downstairs where she belongs, because she has no business coming up here especially if she's going to be abusive. Once downstairs...the mask really came off. Fully.

She said once we're out of here, she is washing her hands of us (as if we weren't going to go complete no contact with her, which we've said many times). She doesn't want to know our new address, which is fine because I had no intention of telling her. She doesn't care what happens to us once we're done here, that we'll "get what we deserve".

I will get what I deserve. A beautiful house in the beautiful Southern Tier/Finger Lakes region of New York, with our cats, filled with our favourite things, with a garden filled with garden gnomes and little cups you can put with your flowers so that bees can take a drink and relax a bit before going off to do more pollinator things. We'll be able to see family more, where I know I'm wanted and loved and appreciated. I have my wife who loves me and will fight for me to the ends of the earth and beyond because she wasn't raised to let someone treat the person she loves like garbage.

I told her that she's already getting what she deserves. She didn't like that comment. She said that my grandparents (her parents) would've sided with her and would've been so ashamed of me. My grandmother, my nan, the epitome of "being a lady", absolutely loved and adored me. I'm sure she still does. She would've been absolutely appalled at how I'm being treated. At least whenever I say a cross word to this cracked egg of a human, I apologise to my nan, because Egg is (unfortunately) her daughter, and my nan knows that I am not this horrible person. I know this.

Egg finally admitted that she absolutely hates Terri. "Everything was fine until you came along." Everything was fine because you were able to get away with manipulating and gaslighting the absolute shit out of me, and then Terri came along and showed me what love is supposed to feel like. Her parents have shown me more love and affection in the short amount of time Terri and I have been together than Egg's ever shown me my entire fucking life. You can be mad that I call my mother-in-law "Mom" if you want but Sherri has been more of a mom to me than you ever were, Egg. And that's the gospel fucking truth.

Not only does she hate my wife she also said that Terri is manipulating me and my brother Michael is helping her do so.
Lol.
Lmao.
I am my own person. The only one who ever manipulated me is you, you harpy. You sorry excuse for flesh and bones turned sentient.

Oh, and apparently we should be "over" our dad. We should be "done with grieving". You're never "done" grieving, especially when it's a parent, unless you no longer feel any love or affection towards that person; grief is an extension of love that now no longer has a recipient. Just because you said you were glad he was dead, doesn't mean we feel the same. I will be grieving my dad for the rest of my life, until I meet up with him in the next. Don't tell me I should be "over it".

Then again as a narcissist you don't have any empathy or compassion because those parts of your brain are either underdeveloped or missing entirely. All narcissists are psychopaths (but not all psychopaths are narcissists; most of them aren't, in fact) and as a result they have absolutely zero regard for humanity. It's all about them.

"Sometimes I wish I had died instead. Things would've been better."
Yeah, probably, but we don't know that and we won't know that because that isn't what happened; the past is a done deal and every second that passes can't be changed. There is a saying: the good die young and the bad linger. Dad was a good man with faults like anyone else (as a result of his very turbulent childhood). He died at 56 which his brother (who was iirc in his 70s at the time, and in poor health) didn't understand because he didn't deserve to go at not even 60. He never got to retire. He never got to meet his granddaughter, or see me get married. He never got to see any of his three kids get married.

Egg abused her husband, and at least two of her kids; my eldest brother was (and maybe still is) the golden child. Michael and I are the scapegoats, the discarded, the lost. It won't be long before Rob ends up becoming a scapegoat too. He doesn't bring his daughter around Egg and that's probably within reason. Look at all this fuckery.

As my brother likes to say, "life isn't fair." Life isn't fair to anyone for different reasons. That's just how the universe works. But I believe in Karma, and she is hard at work...for both of us. Karma gives good blessings as well as curses. Maybe down the line karmic justice will find me, maybe it won't. But it's certainly found Egg, who tried to use not only my deceased and dearly departed grandparents (especially my grandmother) against me, but my dad too. She's tried to turn my wife against me. She has tried to isolate everyone and anyone she could so that she had full and complete control over me.

And I would've had the last laugh because I would've taken myself out. Narcissistic abuse is the worst form of abuse because it often combines physical, verbal, and emotional abuse into one; the emotional abuse is so insidious that it permanently fucks you up, and the verbal abuse leaves you absolutely reeling. It's no wonder many people complete suicide because of it.

I'm no one's retirement plan. I'm no one's eldercare. I'm no one's paycheck, servant, maid, chauffeur...Instacart... I am not a thing.

I'm a person.

And I married someone who finally let me see that, because she has done nothing but treat me like I am a person with my own feelings, my own thoughts, my own opinions and wants and desires. My own interests. My own goals.

So you know what, Egg? It's fine if you discard me. Mom and Dad will be more than happy to have me.

And before anyone can ask... Yes, actually, she did the exact same thing to my brother, the son that she discarded. And you know what else else? I wouldn't be surprised if eventually she does the same thing to her remaining child. But hey, I don't think Egg cares if she dies alone...

She'll have her money, after all. The only thing she ultimately cares about.

(Added in a comment:) Oh one thing I forgot to add (because I just found it out thru Terri): Egg felt she deserved a medal for doing the bare minimum for parenting!!!

( Read more... )

Just a note: This entry has been backdated so that it's posted on the day of the incident; this was actually written on 7 October.

Heads up to Aleks today. Dr. 🥚 Is gonna be asking you if you have the remote for the tv upstairs. No idea why. She asked me if I knew which I shortly answered along the lines of she's gonna have to ask you cause I don't know. Not my tv.

Soooo what is this TV remote thing, you might ask? WELL.

The remote for her Spectrum cable box stopped working. Why? No idea. Was it a dead battery? Did it just stop working? No idea. She didn't elaborate and Serena didn't care enough to ask. She just wanted to know if we had a spare Spectrum cable box remote.

We used to have our own cable box up here but we haven't had that for like...a year. And we gave them all the equipment we had (cable box, remote, whatever else) because what good would it do us? Nothing. Did she expect us to just have a random fucking remote around? I guess so!

When we got home, the Spectrum truck was parked out front (thus taking up my parking spot, because why would I ever be able to park in front of the house I reside in), so we knew Egg had given them a ring to cry about how her remote wasn't working. We parked in the back and went inside...where Egg proceeded to have the following exchange with Serena and Aleks (who was fronting):

Egg: So the Spectrum guy is gonna have to go upstairs and switch out the modem.

Serena: Why?

Aleks: We just got a new modem not that long ago; what does that have to do with her remote not working?

Egg: [starts freaking out] I don't know! I don't know anything about these things! All I know is he said he's gonna need to go upstairs and do something with the modem! That's why I'm so glad you came home when you did because I wouldn't know what to do or how he would get upstairs!

Serena: [snaps fingers] Hey, [Egg], you don't need to talk over me and throw a tantrum over something so menial.

Aleks: What does this have to do with her remote???

Serena: [pushes Aleks along] You go into the bedroom with our stuff and I'll stay out here and wait for the guy to come back.

So Serena stood out in the hall as Egg went on about how her blood pressure is high and things like this are the reason why and Serena said that "every time I hear your voice, my blood pressure rises."

I don't know if it was a battery issue. I don't know if it was the remote no longer working. But the guy did a remote reset of everything (meaning we lost phone and internet) and I don't know if that fixed anything or it was just part of troubleshooting but [shrug].

One thing Egg mentioned was how awful the batteries we got her are, how they're useless and how she should just throw them in the trash because they're all dead. They're Amazon Basics batteries because to me a battery is a battery is a battery, you know? And Serena heard it. So later when we went down to make dinner Aleks made sure to collect the batteries that were still in the package. She can buy her own batteries - these ones are technically mine since they're my Subscribe & Save. So we just took them all back. Because fuck you. Buy your own fucking batteries.

Oh also I tested all of the batteries with the battery tester we have and only one battery was completely shot (a 9V) and a few aren't at full charge anymore but they're still usable (for now) (again all 9V) soooo.

You're gonna act ungrateful then guess what? I'm going to take those things away because clearly whatever I got you wasn't good enough for you so you can fucking get whatever batteries you want now, Eggiekins!

"I don't really care what happens to you."
The moment I turned 18 you stopped caring
but honestly it was long before that
"I don't really care what happens to you
you'll probably end up doing d r u g s
or w h o r i n g  y o u r s e l f.
Oh what will become of you?" you ask as you
push me out into the cold night.
What will become of me because I
can't meet your expectations?
I don't know.
Will you care if I end up dead?
I don't know. Something's broken inside me and I'm gli-i-i-i-i-
i can fix everything by ending it all
but how will you do it? I ask through the static
by jumping of course.
where? I ask this voice in my head
In the riveeeer, maybeeeee, he says, before his voice glitches out completely again.
>Option 1: jump off a bridge
>Option 2: run out onto the Turnpike to get hit
>Option 3: find a train to lay on the tracks of like a sacrificial offering brought up to be slaughtered
None of these options are feasibleeeeee
Will you even care when the police knock on your door
informing you that they found my remains
our remains
in a gutter
melted onto the interstate at exit 15W
part of the asphalt surrounded by a
cacophony of police sirens and flashing lights?
Will you tell them some sob story you made up on the spot
about how I ran away from home
or was addicted to drugs?
You liked to say that I was a loser
I'll never amount to anything
so why would you even care if I went missing
or became king of the whores and hookers
playing their games and selling their wares inside of
West Hudson Park?
"I wish you weren't here, but here you are."
Well now that I'm not do you even care?
No, you don't, why would you care about someone who isn't you?
I was warned about the monsters underneath my bed as a kid
but no one told me about the monsters hiding in plain sight
wearing your skin.
maybe I'll go walking out into the river
it's right there, I can dip my toes in the sand and keep going
till I am swallowed up
engulfed completely in water
fresh or salty I don't really know and I don't care
as the current drags me out to sea
where the Delaware meets the Hudson meets the Atlantic
or at least carries what remains of me
floating on by like some fucked up tourist attraction
onlookers wave to from the Ferry to head over to Manhattan
forever 26
27
28
Will you remember when I turn 29?
How I should've been allowed to turn 30 and grow up?
You thought I was crazy
and I know I am I know I am I
know
I
am so BATS H ! T ccc ccccraaaaa z zzzzy
my brain's glitching out aaaagain
splitting out I am
n0t wh0l3 I
never was
and how could I be when you
tried to condition me to
serve you and only you
until the day you died
except it would've been me who died
and left you alone as a
go fuck yourself because
my existence only matters if you can benefit from it
so let me
take myself out of existence so you can stop benefiting from it
"I wish you weren't here but here you are."
well thanks to your words I'm
not.

 I've been busy...going through Egg transcripts and posting the most damning bits to knock_on_wood_3x and it's gonna take some time because...rereading everything.

My female parental unit is a fucking narcissist. I've bought so many books trying to dissect things, most of them are for people who deal with narc parents and looking back on things from when I was younger...not only was she a narc (and still is), she was also really fucking abusive towards me. At one point she had me sleeping on the floor like a dog because she didn't want to be bothered buying me a new mattress when I was 17 years old.

But no she totally loves me!

My brother warned me years ago that the moment Egg would betray me, she will discard me like I don't even matter to her. Once I've outlived my usefulness to her, I may as well be dead. Considering I feel like she wanted me dead when I was barely 18 years old since she lamented my continued existence, threatened to kick me out multiple times, and didn't seem to care about whatever might happen to me if I was out on the streets... Yeah.

I have no love for this woman. I am completely indifferent, which is the opposite of love. Not hate. Hate implies that I have emotional feelings of some kind and tbh I have nothing. She doesn't even acknowledge my existence and I am okay with that because who is she to me anyway? She's my landlady at this point. Nothing more. Certainly not a parent. She was never a parent. Not to me. Not to Michael. Maybe to Rob, the only child she probably ever really wanted. In pictures she looks so overjoyed when Rob was born. There's so many professionally done photographs of him. Once Michael was born, she looked like she was facing execution by firing squad. And that persisted even after I was born.

My dad meanwhile was happy as all hell because he got his family. Michael and I were close to Dad; Rob was (and still is to some extent I guess) a Mama's boy. And Egg hated my dad and since Michael and I are just like him, by extension she can't stand us either. Considering she threw my brother away without a second thought over some petty bullshit, I shouldn't be surprised that when I said Serena and I were moving out, her first move was "I'm going to disown you then." And since she realized I couldn't care less about that, that it didn't have the reaction she wanted, she walked it back and said she wouldn't do that.

I want nothing from her at this point.

as far as moving goes, we're staying in NYS. We're moving to the Southern Tier which is great because I know people in that area and so does my wife and we're ~2 hours away from one side of Serena's family and ~1 from the other side. So it's nice. I think once we're settled in where we're going I'll write down the ENTIRE PROCESS this has been. And how I plan on finally beginning to start healing.

Growing up what I had in life was
living in a house that was inherited that
ended up in complete shambles and filled with awful memories because of
mismanaged finances on both of my parents’ parts and their unhappy marriage that resulted in
three kids my father loved and two my “mother” had no ability to love at all
one Golden Child on the way to becoming a covert narcissist himself and
two Scapegoats, one of whom is disowned, the other is on their way to S. S. Disinherited
paternal family that absolutely hated my egg donor
probably for a good reason, they could sense her evil
maternal family that outside of a few were complete strangers
the happiest memories I have as a child all involve the Homestead
aka my maternal grandparents’ house
any other place just gave me a fuckton of trauma
my Catholic school
the Catholic church
my psychiatrist’s office
my town
and getting out of New Jersey is something I never once regretted

Here are the things that I lost out on because of my egg donor:
actual family relationships with extended family that wasn’t hers (and even then it was select extended family)
having an actual childhood filled with going to friends’ houses, hanging out with friends, riding a bike, doing regular kid things and it was all heavily discouraged because
I was going to be Egg’s “caregiver” and had been since I was 10 years old because
at 56 my dad died and she refused to cope and opted to try and erase him and
she refused to help anyone else cope either because everything is always all about her and
I lost out on five years with my brother because she manipulated and completely gaslit me whenever he came up in conversation and she forced me to cut him off and
she didn’t ever want me to have any romantic relationships because it meant that the focus would no longer be on her but on someone else and
against all fucking odds I ended up finding someone and she’s once again refused to cope and opted to try and erase her and
I am tired of my growth being stunted and my life being put on hold because she won’t fucking adult and there are
two ways out of this for me and one ends with me no longer existing and once again I must point out that
she would make my funeral all. about. her. and her grief. and pretend that my wife doesn’t exist

So here’s my plan for the best revenge I could have at this point:
buy a house for the same price as this one or a bit more that is
way nicer (and cuter!) than this hellhole and
makes me feel at peace with myself because it's
my home–not a house but an actual home–that belongs to me and my wife and our cats that
we can decorate as we please and
fill with happy memories involving our family and our friends instead of living in some isolated bubble.

Everything I never had growing up.

I am kind of trying to piece things together from Discord messages and stuff made about it so bear with me pls this might not be the most organised or even prettiest of entries.

let me tell you about our day. GATHER ROUND CHILDREN find a comfy seat maybe even bring some popcorn—y'all have drinks? Bathrooms are located to your left and if you end up outside the theatre then you went too far.

We come into the house and we go into the kitchen to get the batteries for the lawn mower since, you know, ours is battery powered, which is great.
Egg, thinking she's the most important person in this country, starts talking.
"So yesterday, you didn't come down."
She was expecting us to bolt down the stairs the minute she came through the door yesterday to be like OH HOW DID YOUR DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT GO as if I gave a fuck. She never asks me how my doctor appointments go.

So we came through the door and she's like OKAY SO.
no no no there is no "queso" here, pal.
We grab the batteries. Egg continues on.
"The psychiatrist doesn't think I have bipolar."
ok great still don't care. we have the batteries so now we can go and do the lawn. might as well do it on the one sunny day this month.
"When you come back in, please talk to me."
We leave. I don't want to talk to you. You never wanna listen when I have something to say, so why do I care about anything you have to talk about? It's always me me me with you anyway.

D mows the lawn—like the not-porn version of Cloud Mows the Lawn, where it's literally just. Mowing the lawn. Usually it's H and sometimes they alternate and sometimes it's more, "I don't feel like doing the lawn, Duo you're doing it," and then D gets all pissed off but still does it. Today was a slightly different day because D was showing Seb how to mow the lawn. Which isn't to say that Seb doesn't know how to mow a lawn, it's he doesn't know how to mow it to H's specifications. He has a certain "order" as to where you start and where you end and how you get to that point. Duo doesn't really care about "order" and just does it however he feels like it that day. On this day though he has to do it "right".
So, like someone tasked with training the new guy, Duo goes, "This is how you should do it, but this is the way that I do it. You can do it however you want though."
So it gets done. Huzzah.

Egg had all  of us thinking: this psych just met her yesterday for the first time. He can't go, from one 30-45 minute session which is more of a general overview than anything else, "Yeah, you're definitely not bipolar, it's definitely depression instead."
The likelihood Egg will go for another session though: 0.579%, and that's according to ZERO, which also said, "But it's more likely to be zero percent."
did I need a computer to tell me that? no.
did I need a computer to validate the fact that I thought it was a zero chance but wanted to be hopeful for a very slight non-zero chance? yeah.
REGARDLESS of whether she's got mania or she's just really depressed (which doesn't lend itself to mania), she needs psychiatric help that we can't give her and meds to help regulate her and ways for her to regulate herself.
(Not that she would use any of it, because she's "just fine!")

INSIDE WE GOOOOO.

Narrator: It did not go well.

Oh this is a fun recording. I should label this DUO IS QUINTESSENTIAL ANGRY JERSEY BOY.MP3
Duo was literally screaming and if you've ever met someone from New Jersey, when they're all torqued up, they start getting loud. It starts as just talking loud but then it escalates to yelling and finally to shouting. Someone might get called a "stunad" and someone's family recipes might end up being insulted. It's a mess. I would not be surprised if like, the neighbours could hear—that's how loud he was.

so Egg was talking about her psych appointment (literally no one cared). D put both batteries back on the chargers in the kitchen because the first day we mow the lawn for the season we end up depleting both batteries because everything is a bit overgrown. the yard is weird this year, there's a lot of growth and also a lot of bare soil and some that's barely grown so it's like ??? it's probs from people letting their dogs piss and shit in our yard as they cut through because no one in Port Jervis has any respect for anyone else's property but Egg is too dumb to erect a fucking fence. D went from the front door to the kitchen and Egg is babbling away all, "Are you gonna listen to me?"

D, internally: Pfft. No? who are you, my mother? I'm a domestic terrorist who piloted a 16m death machine, do you think I listen to authority? I have a problem with them. And you.

Well it quickly went downhill from there because she started getting pissy because Duo was walking off.
Duo was like, "Oh I can't just walk around and listen at the same time?"
D. Popped. Off. Why?
Because Egg once again was like "I want you to reconsider leaving"
And D was like NOTHING CAN MAKE US RECONSIDER ANYTHING. WE ARE MOVING OUT. WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. I DON'T CARE. FUCK OFF. FUCK YOU.
D gets loud and very high pitched when he's torqued up enough and mad. like the fucking walls were reverberating, that's how loud he was. the cats were Concerned™.

She tried the whole, "Oh, if something happens to me, you have to live with it" thing. um... No, I'm pretty sure that's a you problem, Egg... Not ours! And it would be your fault, not ours. Like help yourself out for once in your fucking miserable life.
She also tried the whole "destroying lives" thing, which Serena literally called her out on.
(There is a line from Weiss Kreuz I could quote, but I won't.)
(...okay you know what I will: "Ruined lives taste like honey.")
Serena said that "the only life destroyed by us leaving will be yours. If we stay, that destroys both of ours which would include someone likely killing themselves."
And Egg was like, "OH WHO WOULD BE KILLING THEMSELVES?"
[Collective] I WOULD BE.

Duo told her that she'd taken half of our childhood and now she was trying to take all of our adulthood and she made this face like "what are you talking about?" and she even said, "I didn't do anything to your childhood, what do you mean?" and he told her that it wasn't worth getting into with her because she wasn't gonna listen anyway.
The context, is here in something else she'd said: You’ve been doing it all those years after [since] Father died you know? Kearny, and the apartment, and 6 years here.
I'm p sure D mentioned, "We have it on recording you saying these things!"
He definitely told her how resentful we ended up feeling and she said, "Oh, well, we could've talked about that!"
WHY? what would the point have been???
it's not like she would've held herself accountable, it would've still somehow been our fault.

I think my fave thing about D's retelling of some things is this: also note that I wasn't even pretending to be Ru because I called Egg by her actual name and she didn't even fucking question it.
Serena thought that she would, but to everyone's disappointment, she didn't.
Like I was expecting her to go, "Well [name], why are you calling me by my name? that is so disrespectful! I am your mother, how dare you???"
nope. said nothing. 

Egg kept asking Serena about how much the car insurance was going to cost her, and Serena was like, "Nancy, here's the thing: Karu and I are gonna be paying that together, it's not gonna just be me." like she's making it sound like she was the sole person paying for the car insurance. I was paying my half. So because of this I get to pay Egg less each month because I only pay the paltry sum to occupy space here in which I get treated like an indentured servant, and the internet. I pay what I would pay for the car insurance to my wife.

Egg kept talking about her cousin. "oh well Barbara forgave her mother for all the abuse she did, can't you do the same for me?"
D was like "I don't care what anyone else does with their abusers that's not my business that is their business and I ain't them. I don't have to forgive anyone for anything."
"Oh well a nice and honest person would forgive someone who feels remorseful for what they did."
are you trying to be Chris Chan or something? you already do the stress sighing, should you be crying about how you're a True and Honest™ person looking for True and Honest™ people?
And D was quick with a retort for that too basically like "oh what am I, a dishonest person?"
it's like she just wasn't getting it

one thing that I hate and D absolutely LOATHES, is when someone tries to either talk over us, or keeps trying to interrupt us. D kept trying to tell her to basically shut up and she just KEPT TALKING OVER HIM so he just got louder. our throat hurts as a reseult so hopefully we can talk to the DMV people tomorrow lol.

idk how D managed this and he's not quite sure either but he managed to get her to finally sign over the car that she kept obsessing over even after signing it over because "you have 30 days to reregister the car."
"30 days!"
"30 days to do everything."
and Duo went, "I GET IT. We'll be doing that TOMORROW."

At one point she was even second guessing herself just like "do I want to do this? I'm getting nervous" and D was like "well figure it out cos otherwise I'm just wasting my time standing here waiting to sign papers."
why was she nervous? who fucking knows. probs because now she has nothing to hold over our head.
Mike's response to us taking the "carrot" she kept dangling in front of us: Well now she just has her company as the carrot or the inheritance. Which there won't be much.
guess what we don't give a fuck about EITHER OF THOSE THINGS lmao

I told him about Egg begging for forgiveness from us, that, you know, a True and Honest Person would forgive someone of their transgressions. what about her forgiving others who have "wronged" her? It's a two way steeet. I'm sure there will be a Confrontation #5 at some point because this forgiveness thing is like her new Roman Empire or whatever so like. I might have to bring that up "oh so everyone has to forgive you for all your bullshit but what about you forgiving people who have "wronged" you in some way?"
she'd probs be like WELL
no, no "well". if you want to be forgiven you have to be the one to forgive as well. what about my brother?
(not that forgiving him for the wrongs he never committed would do any good because you are dead to him, literally he tells people she's deceased and after we've moved that is what I am going to tell people if it ever comes up)

I'm an adult orphan. my father died in 2002 and my mother died in 2022 (when she went off her meds and started her bullshit). it's easier to say like that instead of trying to explain this mess or saying "we're not on speaking terms" because people get weird about that. "oh but that's your mom"
okay but I am her child she shouldn't be treating me the way that she has!

D would like me to know that she literally tried to blame the "aftermath" of us leaving on us. So if she starves to death or does herself in in some way she's blaming that on us.
"You're gonna have to live with that for the rest of your life."
ok?

I am like super excited for what happens next. I get the first car registered in my name, which apparently she tried to hold the car over our head??
"I got you a car" no you did not. if you actually bought me a car it would've been registered to me, but it wasn't. you're going to attach strings to that and to putting a roof over our head?
"Oh well if you didn't like it here why didn't you move out?"
"Because we couldn't afford to do so."
"Oh so you took advantage of me."
"How? By paying you rent and doing shit around the house? That's not taking advantage of someone."

H likes to say that she will take whatever she can and twist it to suit her needs so she more than likely lied to the psychiatrist about her issues
because she is TEXTBOOK. but also it's one fucking visit he doesn't know shit. she went on about how it's $70 to see this doctor (I can't drive you to there so suck it up?) and how the medication "will probably be astronomical". H is curious what BS she told him lol.

One thing is for sure: I am not going to have contact with her at the rate we're going. at best? Extremely Low Contact. but tbh I am not sure I want even that, so I might just be like Michael and be No Contact. which is a loss for her, really. she can sob about it or whatever. I don't really care. as cold as that sounds.

who the fuck am I trying to fool here...I don't give a flying fuck about her, not when she's saying shit like this:

“I just wish [they] hadn’t met her. You know, [Terri] really. It was so nice when it was just the two of us. You know? And then had to bring that into the picture. But we were fine until that day. You know? That was the thing. We were all fine.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

FUCK
YOU

"I'm so full of ~remorse~ for the mistakes I made I WISH KARU NEVER MET THEIR WIFE really I don't know why they won't ~forgive me~??? Wehhhhh!"

One neighbour at #7, who declined to give her name when asked, removed the cigarette from her mouth and exhaled the smoke downwind.
"Ain't that what you do with broken or otherwise rotten eggs? Toss 'em in the garbage? You can't do nothing with them!"
"Cracked and rotten eggs are good for throwing at someone's house before TPing it," one of the neighbourhood kids chimed in. He was missing some baby teeth.
"In all seriousness though," continued the woman with the cigarette, "that woman is always causing problems with my grandkids. Like I'm trying my best to keep 'em in line, but it's hard, you know? This is what happens when you don't got no rugrats of your own, you can't relate. Kids are gonna be kids! They're gonna cause mischief but it's not like they're targeting her specifically or being outright malicious. They're not breaking her windows or anything."
A girl with pink shoes looked at the ground when we questioned her about her neighbour at #5.
"The other two people in the house are nice," she said, her voice soft and quiet. "They ask us nicely to stop doing things and we do. They say thank you. We don't like bothering them. But that old lady is mean."
"I feel so bad for the tenants living with her," the kids' grandmother remarked. "The way she is with my grandkids, I can only imagine how she is with other people."
-- CRACKED EGG: A MENACE, page 2 of Mid-Hudson Times Daily News

"You're gonna throw me out like a piece of garbage!"

Says the woman who wanted to do that exact thing to me
and my brother Michael
as soon as I was freshly out of high school
and therefore no longer her "burden" to carry.
Although I think she preferred to call us "losers" and
"degenerates" and "useless good-for-nothings" since
that's what she used back then.

"If anything happens to me then it's your fault because you left me!"

Isn't what abusers tell their victims
so they will feel too guilt-ridden to leave
and continue to be emotionally exploited
all for the abuser's gain?
Do you think H was going to allow you
to continue that exploitation?
Oh. Right. My mistake.
I'm not fucked up enough to have the disorder
that resulted in his existence
because if you say "you were never abused"
then that must be the truth, right?
like a little kid shutting her eyes tight in the dark
insisting that the sun is shining bright as you
feel your skin begin to blister
not from the ultraviolet rays but from the
toxic sludge your lies leave in their wake.

Curiouser and curiouser...

Listen, Eggikins, I'mma level with you.
If you are unable to care for yourself then guess what happens? 
You're gonna have to get APS or some kind of social worker involved.
(Yeah, really!)
It's not gonna be up to me,
or Michael,
or Rob
(assuming he keeps in contact with you after a while) 
That's up to one person: you.

Your behaviour—
let me repeat that for you your behaviour
your behaviour made my life a living fucking hell
but you're going to deny that's the truth too and
your behaviour—
let me repeat that for you your behaviour
your behaviour is what drove me away
but you're going to deny that that's the truth too and
I know you'll glance over the fact that I broke free from your control
because the truth hurts Ego too much for you to bear so you just
completely ignore ignore ignore and try to
grapple for the leash flitting in the breeze like this is a game of
capture the flag
and you're the fool who thinks in ignorance that I will
willingly go back under the banner you continue to wave because
Ego, dear sweet Ego, says that you should.

My answer—no.
Nichts nein nyet no
iyada no
and you talk about how you won't be able to do
all of these things that fall under the
"basic house maintenance and upkeep" header line
and I ask, aloud, "Why don't you sell the house then?"
and you say, "No, I don't want to, it's not so simple and where will I live?"
to which I respond, "2400 square feet is a lot for just one person."

H takes the red I see every time I hear your voice and
smears it on the wall and I know that he wishes that red
that anger
were something else and something tangible
and I know that he wishes that red
that anger
were the result of his own anger at me having to survive and endure
and hide behind him like a kid behind their bodyguard their protector

And I'm tired of my wife coming into my room going,
"She's at it again," and all you're doing is
sitting in the living room chair
keeper of the crypt that is this house
and when I listen in I hear the toxic sludge go splat against the walls
because that is all that drips like nicotine in a smoker's house
when the ghostly woman downstairs spits her greyish green radioactivity
everywhere in the space we're both forced to occupy.

I'm tired of being held in my wife's embrace
as she holds me back from jumping the bannister
a wrestler on the ropes of the ring ready to pounce
and I am tired of being held in my alter's embrace
as he holds my emotions back from unleashing from my mouth
holding my hair back as I vomit your toxicity as offering to an
uncaring porcelain god
for the third time this week.

Let me make one thing clear as a cloudless sky on a sunny day:
no amount of begging or pleading or bargaining
like stages of grief when your loved one is terminally ill
will make me chance my mind and
no amount of begging or pleading or bargaining
like stages of grief when your loved one passes from this life to the next
will stop me from doing what I feel is best for me and my wife.

It seemed there weren't a lot of people on ### Street who knew of Egg, and those who did didn't have the kindest of words to say about her. The homeowners of the house to her left, ###, ####, and ##### of 3 ### Street, looked at each other and shrugged when asked for comment.
"We knew of the two tenants who lived there," ### said. "We accidentally got their Amazon packages. We talked briefly and wanted to properly introduce ourselves, but never got the chance to."
"I hope they're okay but it must be pretty rough living there. From what I've heard from everyone else."
"She likes to go out in the mornings from what I've seen," #### said, "to stand on her porch and stare at the people in #7—kinda weird if you ask me—with her hands on her hips. Just stares. Like she's waiting for them to do something.

I asked my mother if I could have my dad's funeral stuff. She said sure, not a problem. That it would be better in my hands anyway. So she gave me the plastic tote it's been sitting in, tucked away in a corner.

I went through all of it, because it's been 15 years since I've last seen any of it. I discovered that the keepsake book people would sign to say they attended the wake had information pages about the deceased. None of them were filled out. The only things filled out, in fact, were 7 pages of names.
Teachers. Friends of mine, of my brothers. People from church. People in my dad's department at ADP. Relatives. Friends of relatives.

I filled out the information pages, because it felt weird to leave them blank. I came to the biography section, and I wasn't sure what to put. My dad had a rough childhood and a rough family. One of the last things he said was, "I'll admit that I wasn't always the greatest husband. But at least I did my best with you guys (us kids)."
And he did. His obituary (one of three) lists him as "beloved father", but that isn't enough. He was more than beloved. More than loving. He was my dad. His coworkers loved him. The people he dealt with at church enjoyed his company. He was described as kind and always willing to lend a helping hand should anyone need it.

I remember the first five years going through this stuff was hard. I would sit there sobbing, in hysterics, dry heaving. My chest felt crushed by the weight of my grief. It was really fucking hard. Five more years, he was gone an entire decade. I went from 10 to 20. And I know he didn't miss seeing any of it...but I missed him being part of me growing up from a really geeky kid to a just as geeky adult. And then another five years well by. 15 years total. Looking at this stuff still hurt. Left me reeling. I couldn't handle it. It hurt too much because it was all a too real reminder of the fact that he was gone.

It'll be 22 years this October. He's been gone longer than my parents were married for. Longer than all the years I had him for. Longer than any of us kids had him around for. I was 10, my brothers were 18 and 20. That's a hard thing to swallow. To realize your one parent has been gone for more than half your life now. And it'll keep getting longer and longer and longer.

And longer.

21 and a half years later, looking at this stuff still makes me sad, but in a different way. All of these cards and letters of condolence talk about how kind and selfless my dad was. How much they loved having him around and would miss having different conversations with him.

I miss all of that too. I miss his cooking and his baking. The late night talks while watching Star Trek or a Friday night movie. Him teaching me web design, how to code in HTML. Different things about music. Language. History. Space.

I don't break down in hysterics anymore. I still cry. It still hurts, but the pain is duller now. Muted. Still ever present. It will never go away.

I never questioned whether he loved me or not. I knew he did. He made it very clear to me. He always had space for me to occupy no matter what he was doing.

He was the most loving father anyone could ever ask for. xo

This is gonna be long but it sums up what has been happening over the past year and especially the past couple of months.

you know the saying "you want the truth? you can't handle the truth?"

yeah. Egg couldn't handle the truth I laid out for her last night. That her behaviour the past year or so has made living here a living hell. That her behaviour a few months ago with this eye doctor thing has made living here a worse hell. That her behaviour last month is not only completely unacceptable, but has created a very hostile, volatile, and unsafe living environment. The things she's said about my wife simply because she said "no, I can't help you with that, sorry"? Completely unacceptable. It's abuse. Everything is abuse. Her threatening harm against the neighbours and their children because kids are *gasp* doing kid things like playing outside and getting into trouble? extremely concerning. And she had the gall to deny it all, when I have this shit recorded in case I needed the police involved.

Which I ended up getting the police involved yesterday because I was concerned she was going to harm others. Myself. Especially my wife who she fucking loathes. The kids next door to us. She had detailed plans to harm herself. The police did what they could, which was take a report and sit down with her to go over what her options were (hotlines, mental health resources in the area, etc).

Last night she confronted us about it and I told her the truth. I was concerned for her wellbeing, since she talked about how she wished for death every day and had a plan to end her life. I was concerned for the wellbeing of everyone else (me, my wife, the people around us). Her obsession with a particular knife that I purposely hid from her since she tried to do something stupid with it last month. That she has made living here so fucking toxic and unsafe that we were going to find toxic free, safe living arrangements. She wanted us to brush everything under the rug. She said that she was willing to forgive if we were. That's not how forgiveness works. What she has done to everyone here is beyond forgiveness. She has completely ruined this family because of her mind games, because of her manipulation, because of the vitriol that she's been spewing going back as far as 2018 when she cut ties with one of her kids over something completely trivial.

I told her she needs help. She needs so much fucking help. She denied it. Despite her complete hatred of life and those around her, she denied that she needed help. I told her her bipolar disorder, which she stopped taking meds for against doctor's orders, is completely out of control, worse than it was when we lived in Kearny, and things were toxic then. She ended up being a complete danger to everyone, including herself. I told her to please get help. Go to the ER and tell them you have a plan in place to end your life and they will help you. Do *something*. Otherwise my wife and I cannot stay here. We would need to leave immediately.

Now we segue to this morning, at 6:03, where she did the exact same thing she did a month ago. Except replace "I tried to kill myself" with "I'm having a mental breakdown". She was very insistent I come downstairs. I refused, because gut instinct saying DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER means that I will stay the fuck away and not be the gazelle eaten by the lion. Instead, I called 911, explained the situation, and they sent someone out. Because there is nothing more I can do for her except call people to the house who are trained to deal with this sort of thing. She went with them willingly to the local hospital.

I told her I was done playing games.
I told her I was done fucking around, that I was serious.
That if anything further happened, I would get whoever I needed to get involved. PJPD, APS, whoever.

Even if she does end up medicated again, even if she does become better again, how do I know that she won't wake up one morning and stop taking her meds because she feels fine? I will never be able to trust her again. That trust is gone. I will never feel safe around her again.

My wife and I are planning on finding another place to live that is closer to family. I don't know if she should even return here or if she should go into some sort of long term care facility so that she can be in a place with people who can help her in whatever ways she needs: physically, medically, mentally. A social worker will probably talk to her at the hospital, will probably call to tell me things and I may have to suggest that she enter a place much more appropriate for her, where she can be monitored and taken care of in all the ways that I can't and won't ever be able to.

Maybe the monster wasn't my brother. Maybe the monster this entire time was you. The wolf in sheep's clothing was here the entire time. And I hate thinking that. No one wants to think that about their parent. But this is a situation of her own creation, that got so many innocent people caught up in it. I have C-PTSD because of her actions over the years. Because of how she's treated me, how she's treated my brother, how she's treated my wife, how she's treated the rest of the family. She's cut off everyone because of her own actions. Because of her greed. Because they stopped being useful to her. To not even show an ounce of compassion when my mother-in-law died and didn't understand why my wife had changed. That's what grief does, it changes people. I told her she should know, she lost her own mother. She said she understood and I told her straight up that she had no fucking clue, clearly, because she wouldn't be acting this way if she did.

I told her that she should apologise to her own mother for the way she's been acting, because this is not how she was raised to act. That Nana would be appalled. And doesn't she want to stick around to watch her granddaughter grow up? Does she want to do that from prison if she hurts the neighbour's kids? Does she want to miss out on all the things that my father is missing out on? She didn't seem to care.

They say Karma makes sure you get the life that you deserve. You reap what you sow.

Here it is.

*

Upon telling my egg donor that my wife and I have plans to move out and find our own place, the first words out of her mouth were, "Well I guess I'll have to change things then, and leave everything to [my niece]."

She is willing to disinherit me for the sin of wanting to live my own life out on my own with my wife and cats.

After everything I've done for her over the years, EVERYTHING. Helped her pack up the apartment, helped her move, helped her buy the house, did shit around the house for her, mow the lawn, do yard work, shovel, buy her things when she needs things, do her grocery shopping, drive her around to appointments and shit, AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER DONE FOR HER... That is a slap in the fucking face, to be told "if you leave me then I'll disown you." I told her most parents are happy when their kids move out. Why can't she be happy for me? Doesn't she want me to be independent? She had nothing to fucking say. She then tried to backtrack but at that point it was too late.

She wants our close relationship back? That's fucked anyway, it's done. She ruined it with her nonsense. She's nailed possibly the last nail in the coffin for our relationship as mother and child EVER recovering after that. Because how fucking dare she. I have spent most of my life catering to her needs. I put my life on HOLD for her, and this is the thanks she wants to give me?

It's not about the money or the jewelry, it's the principle. She is willing to throw me away...because I'm not doing what she wants me to do. I am not living the life that she wants me to live, which is to basically be her servant.

I called her disgusting, because that is absolutely disgusting. This whole thing is irredeemable, a lost cause. Nana would be so upset seeing this. Knowing that this is what her daughter is doing to the grandchildren she loved so fucking much.

I guess I should find my room on the S.S. Disinherited where my brother Michael is captain.