do you believe you can walk on water?

Someone spent $4530 to clear out the second floor of Egg's abode... Some would say I should feel bad, but I don't, because Egg was the one who said she would pay for the clean out and handle everything with it...after discussion.

There was supposed to be a discussion, and there wasn't one. She attempted to call once and then never again on 28 December before starting this on 6 January. I know this because I can see the checks she wrote and who they were to. She is supposed to give 30 days' notice to retrieve whatever was left behind before disposing of it. She is supposed to try multiple times to establish contact before disposing of what is considered someone ese's property. In her not doing so she's opened herself up to a lawsuit. We don't have the time, energy, or funds to pursue anything and Karu isn't that petty, but...all I am saying is, make sure legally you've covered your ass, regardless. Don't just assume because there's no lease or written agreement that you can do whatever you want with someone else's property just because it's "in your house". For all she knew, we weren't done—we'd told her we'd be back.

面白い...

Ah well. We weren't returning anyway so in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. But imagine if it did? That's what she thinks of us. Garbage to be easily disposed of in a dumpster.

At least we're not paying almost $900 to heat our home ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Godspeed, Egg. I wish you luck in whatever future endeavors you embark on...and the life you most deserve.

*

This Reddit post popped up while I was making lunch: Nmom wanted me to validate her working / grooming me into being her little retirement plan. The title caught my eye of course. What is it with narcissists turning their offspring into a combini 401(k)-long-term-care-plan? Why is this such a common thing?

So I replied, of course, under Karu's account:

Mine only held a job long enough to get married and procreate. Never worked again, not even after her husband died, preferring instead to live off of social security death benefits and her kids. Threatened to kick us out (and ended up kicking my brother out) when we didn't have jobs because money is the only thing she loves and only language she speaks. I was going to be both her retirement and long term care plan once she was no longer able-bodied. Expected me to give up any hopes and dreams, any desire for a life that wasn't to her benefit. All she cares about is money, the value of things, this "you scratch my back I'll scratch yours" way of things. Dangling carrots off of strings to keep everyone in line.

She keeps saying she's such a good person and doesn't deserve being treated like this and yet...she isn't a good person. There's a reason why she has no friends, no family except my Golden Child brother who only does things out of obligation, there is no love there. He expressed how he felt about her treatment of him where he sits on the edge of golden child and scapegoat and ended it with, "But you know all about that, don't you?"

Our nparents will likely die alone somewhere. Maybe their homes or maybe some facility somewhere where they can watch others their age get visited by kids and grandkids and swing by with presents for birthdays and holidays. They did this to themselves. It's sad, sure. But there's nothing we can do for them. If they treated us like loving parents would, we would help them.

That's all they yearn for is validation. Like a 3 year old who comes home from preschool with a picture made of dried macaroni and cotton balls representing the family and excitedly exclaims, "Look what I made!" They want that praise no matter how empty "oh that's nice!" might sound because it makes them feel good. But we can't give them what they want and why should we? They never gave us what we needed from them, just the bare minimum.

(Serena said, "I can tell you wrote this from the first sentence because of how clinical it sounds.")

Why expect any emotion out of me when it comes to Egg, anyway?

(No one expects any emotion out of me when it concerns Egg.)

*

Wegmans is hiring again for pretty much everything, so we've once again put in an application. We'll see what happens.

(The collage has nothing to do with this entry lol I just couldn't think of a subject title.)

So this is a bit of an update to the entry I made yesterday because the plot thickens.

(I did hear back from Michael btw, his phone was fucking up. His Christmas went well!)

So I got Rob's Christmas card in the post today (postmarked the 23rd...if he sends these out any later they're going to miss Christmas entirely). I only care about the card so I can get my niece's school picture (wherein she looks like she's almost a teenager...and I am not ready for that, no no, my niece is not turning 12 in a week). Michael wondered why Rob even bothers at this point (it's probs to easily dispense said school pictures) and it was then that I learned, oh, Rob still sends Michael Christmas cards. Nice.

(So Rob's been lying to Egg this entire time lmao)

So I texted him saying I got it and he was glad about that. He explained the long silence between my text and his reply with, "Just [got] home from dropping mother off."

(It tickles me that no one capitalises the M anymore loooool.)

me: how'd that go?
Rob: Ok enough. 3.5 hours.

(That's round trip btw.)

me: how was the visit overall? I'm sure RM was happy to see her
Rob: It was fine. RM was very happy to see her. And do a few activities with her as well. But she [Egg] needs everything spelled out in detail hours or days in advance.
me: Like...every last detail?
Rob: At 10am yesterday she needed to know what was for lunch today.

I have pondered this and discussed this with Serena and I am still confounded outside of Egg needs to feel like she's in control of everything but this "I need to know everything in advance" can also be an anxiety thing. I know when I am in a situation that I can't predict (it's not my house, etc) I can end up anxious like "oh god what if I don't like what's planned for [meal]? What if something happens?" like that kind of catastrophising. I don't do that anymore because I have medication for it and therein lies the difference between Egg and myself: I got help for my bullshit—she refuses.

me: but what about lunch that same day? what does it matter what's for lunch the next day?
me: I don't even know what I'm having for dinner today let alone tomorrow
Rob: Exactly. If lunch today wasn't good, she was going to have me bring her home after Christmas meal.

she was going to make my brother leave his family to drive her ass home if tomorrow's lunch wasn't to her liking? Instead of idk leaving in the morning like a normal fucking person??? Because it takes almost four hours round trip to bring her back, the meal (including dessert) typically ends around ~730 maybe 8ish? Sure the route wouldn't have been busy (likely would've taken 17 to 87 to 17 to 6 to 84 to the 209 which sounds asinine because you go from NJ to NY into PA then back into NY instead of idk just not taking exit 53 lol and going to the next exit which is for Port—17/3/46/23 would've been much more direct since 23 ends in New York) but whatever, I wasn't the one there driving so doesn't matter to me.

me: well I guess lunch today was "satisfactory" enough for her yesterday...
Rob: She had an English muffin for lunch. On Christmas eve about 15 minutes was spent on making sure that I know that her phone thing expires in March, and I need to be ready, "because it's getting close. Even if I have to make an extra trip for just that if her taxes aren't ready."

As soon as I can figure out what email her Tracfone account is linked to, I can reset the password and just give that to him so he doesn't have to do anything. But also the Family Dollar downtown sells the yearly card, she can buy it and then just follow the instructions on the back and if she still can't figure it out she can bust out the phone manual and follow those. Like I know she knows fuck all about technology but like...rate she's going she is gonna end up having no relationships with any of her kids.

me: ...it's not even January yet.
Rob: I said "it's still only December." To which she said, "well it's almost over already!"
Rob: I also don't really know anything about the tracfone, she seems to think I'm some kind of expert.

So I told him I am more than happy to help him out if it means he doesn't lose his mind trying to figure this whole thing out and he was like "I'll figure it out, it's fine."

Rob: Her trouble seems to boil down to that she only has 2 "modes." Either everything is perfectly fine, or it is utter catastrophe perpetrated against her personally. If she has to push the power button on her remote twice instead of just once, it means absolute Doom and it's all because someone is trying to screw her. I'm sure nothing you don't know all too well. Lol.
me: Oh I know all about how her needing to do an extra step is more catastrophic than the bombing of Hiroshima... And she would pitch a fit and say how she should just lay down and die and how she doesn't understand anything and it's like... She doesn't give anything a chance. She won't read instructions, she won't even listen to instructions, just assumes she can't do it or it can't be done so all hope is lost.

me: How you worded this was very eloquent lol
Rob: The closed captioning was on on the TV here. You'd have thought it prevented her from hearing or seeing any part of what she was watching.
me: Did she at least enjoy dinner even with her worries over lunch the next day?
Rob: She seemed to, yes. Thankfully.
me: I saw pictures, it looked good, though I don't think there were enough mashed potatoes.
Rob: We had fried pork cutlets, mashed potatoes and steamed carrots. Tomato soup to start and pumpkin pie and brownies for dessert.
me: Oooh that sounds really good.
Rob: Lol. I didn't cook all of the potatoes, so I could have made more. I was mindful to not create too many leftovers. Jenny leaves for Rome on Saturday.
me: you could've send leftovers home with mother lol
me: I just don't understand like. her behaviour.
Rob: It's just a bit strange. But maybe that's just how ppl get when they get old-er.
me: I think she thinks she's losing or has lost control of her life. she's been paranoid for a while. I know she thinks her neighbours are all out to get her and are targeting her for whatever reason, and the city is conspiring against her. she's obsessed with the TV and whether the cable is working... it's all just really weird.
Rob: Indeed.
me: well now she's got something new to ruminate over, the taxes and her phone.
Rob: LOL!

All I know is...Egg better be glad it wasn't me because I would've told her to walk her ass back home. This is only a fraction of the shit I had to deal with when it came to her, this is only the beginning for him. Better him than me. And I know if he didn't have RM then he would probably not invite her to anything, because what would the point be?

I'm not gonna post the pics that were on FB because I don't want Egg on my journal or anywhere near it. But she looks like she doesn't want to be there. Only time she's happy is when food is served. Looks miserable sitting next to RM and looks miserable standing next to Rob whose face is saying please take the picture so I can move away. Yeah.

Also something that I've noticed is...over the years, you know, the three of us always used a capital "M" in "mother"...but now all three of us use a lower case. I know for me I did that on purpose because she doesn't deserve any kind of respect from me—any that there was? Completely gone the moment she disrespected Serena. That was it. I was done. Flat out fucking told her so, that I lost any trust and respect I had for her.

She genuinely needs some kind of psychiatric help. She has to want it, and want it for herself, and she won't. She was only willing to do it for as long as I planned on staying there. "Oh well you can stay here because I'm gonna get help."
"Except I'm not gonna be staying here, Serena and I are planning on moving out. Don't do this shit for me, do it for you, or at least do it for RM."
Won't even do it for RM.

All of this has just reaffirmed that I made the right decision in not only leaving, but going no contact. She thinks that we're coming down this weekend to finish moving things so we can discuss cleanout options or whatever; we're going back upstate to visit the other side of the family (have to pay our respects to the matriarch after all, she is 96 and we want to enjoy her whilst we still have her) and also...we forgot to bring the laundry we did at Mom and Dad's back...so we have to grab that too. And then we're gonna stop at Wegmans (idk which one) on the way back to do our grocery shop (so probs the one at home) and maybe we can finally empty the boot of my car of the shit we moved like two weeks ago or whatever. (It was the 15th so not quite two weeks.) And prepare for the new year...

Egg will no doubt try to call me but I have her numbers blocked and I wouldn't answer anyway. She can do whatever she wants with whatever remains. I don't care. I took all of the things I wanted and left what I didn't. She said she'd take care of the cleanout (because she wants control, she said so herself, of everything) so she can do that whenever she wants. As for her key... Dad offered to mail that out for me so that Egg doesn't know we don't live in Rochester like she thinks. But since she told me that the key would end up going to Rob anyway, I wonder if maybe I should just mail it to him...

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve... The day where we celebrate Earth being saved by a 15 year old in a 16m tall death machine with a Really Big Fucking Gun (RBFG)™...

Serena and I are nowhere near this point in our rewatch lmao

which is fine, I can watch ep 49 alone (which I might prefer because I end up becoming a huge fucking emotional mess and why would I want to subject someone to that?)

people always ask "why do you get emotional during this when you've seen this 97453849635 times? do you think this time he's not gonna save the day?"

oh no I know nothing changes. nothing in the episode changes it's just that any time I've come back to Gundam Wing it's been some kind of pivotal moment in my life.

I first watched the series not long after my dad passed.
I rewatched it the first time in 2008 and it was like a whole different series (I was going thru shit then too I was always going thru shit).
I came back to the fandom in 2012 and GW became a hyperfixation for me because lots of shit was happening in 2012. Heero was that character I fixated on because I related to him so much and I constantly wondered and still kind of do wonder why and also what does that say about me as a person? (I don't really wonder why because lol I've psychoanalysed Heero twice now.)

Heero was always that like, idk if I wanna use the word "cliche" but that cliched "beacon of light and hope" in my life which is weird to say. and whenever someone asks how or why I just point at ep 49 and go "that's why." Heero is an unhinged disaster of a teenager ok and he goes from that to realising the meaning of life and how to find purpose within it and that looking towards the future isn't a bad thing after all. he's never needed to look at the future because he always assumed he'd be dead before it mattered but now it does and also death is staring him in the face. every time Heero was given a chance to give in and give up he didn't. it was always one of those "I'm gonna give it a try and if it goes bad well I'll be dead so SHRUG"

and he always came out alive in the end

the whole "my card isn't up yet" line

but then you have a very real life or death situation most people would throw their hands up at and go NOPE CAN'T BE DONE but Heero is just like
if I fuck up we're all dead anyway right? so we may as well try, we might succeed.

Heero would rather die than just throw up his hands going NOPE
death literally staring him in the face he has like a 0.000001 percent chance of succeeding the odds are NOT in his favour everything is shorting out around him he very well could die, not even due to Libra it's due to idk his fucking cockpit blowing up
  
does Heero care? no

"Ore ga shinanai" is basically "I won't die" and the way Heero says it it's more like I refuse to die. as with a lot of Heero's most impactful (to me) lines it's all about the delivery for me and in Japanese this literally knocked the wind out of me and sent me into hysterics... and when I wrote my first meta on Heero and I revisited this scene from an analytical lens...it sent me into hysterics again...because this is the literal culmination of 48 episodes' worth of characterisation. Heero going from "I don't really give a fuck if I die who cares?" to "I don't want to die and won't die because I found a reason to think about what my future looks like"
 
it was that point in my meta I had an emotional breakdown because oh. oh no. I feel really fucking called out???

Heero lived to see the war end—I got to live to see my own personal war end.
did I think I would be here in a house that has my name is on the deed? no. never.   
did I think I'd be here in my early-not-quite-mid 30s? roflmao no—I never saw myself living till 18. I have lived 14 years longer than I ever intended.

I never saw a life outside of abuse and yet here I am, I made it to the end of this book and I'm ready to start an entirely new one. I don't have to dream of one day reaching the finish line so to speak that Heero reached because I'm there and you know what? Heero's got some catching up to do. I beat pretty impossible odds and I should be proud of myself. people should be proud of me, and are proud of me.

I don't need Heero anymore... I feel like...watching ep 49 is like saying goodbye to an old friend whose shoulder I leaned on so much throughout childhood and early adulthood and now I'm able to stand on my own two feet, I'm in a better place to be able to cope and cope in a healthy manner... And that's good! But it's also bittersweet. It means I'm getting better.

I know if I need Heero again I can always watch Gundam Wing again but I am trying to go beyond the escapist techniques we've been using our entire existence.

For the first time in my life I can write a post-canon Heero from a place of healing instead of us both bumbling around like fools trying to figure life out.

Recovering from abuse is bad enough but recovering and healing from narcissistic abuse is an entirely different ballgame.

One might say it's a completely different type of sport. And I'm not entirely sure what kind of sport it even is, but I don't have any of the proper equipment or it's all cobbled together from cardboard and duct tape. I certainly have enough of the former to build a fort but I'm already inside of one that I made myself ages ago.

So what happened at the Wegmans last night?
I had a mini breakdown in Frozen right in front of the door to the tater tots and other prepared potato products (and things like onion rings). I did not choose to have this mini breakdown in the section I did, it just happened. Thing is I was already on edge before we even got to the Wegmans, to say nothing of how I was inside the store itself.

On the ride to the store I was convinced we were going to crash into something. Why? I don't know, I have no idea why. I know I've been kind of weird in cars ever since end of 2020 when Aleks crashed (and totalled) the Versa. The car making any sudden movements especially if they're kind of swervy? Immediate panic—I am going to die—we're all going to die—

My central nervous system is in complete shambles because, you know, things are calm. Things are okay. There's no yelling or screaming or having to be on edge that I am going to have to be of service to someone. Narcissistic abuse not only deregulates your CNS it completely decimates it. The result is CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder). The result of that: DID.

Aleks thinks I'm becoming agoraphobic but that isn't the case at all. The problem is emotionally everything is incredibly raw and I am like a crab without a shell okay? I am liable to be preyed upon and I've always kind of been like that to start. It's worse now. I am functional—but barely. And that's okay, because before all of this I wasn't even functional. So it's progress.

When we got into Wegs I was fine. Barely anybody there at 19:45. We looked at all sorts of produce. Bought a package of plum tomatoes because I'd talked about wanting tomatoes the next time I have grilled cheese... Saw bananas were 49 cents a pound and contemplated getting a small bunch of them because I haven't have bananas in forever... We laughed over a 5lbs bag of potatoes and ended up getting it so we could make our own mashed potates...and baked potates...and boiled YOU GET THE POINT.

We got bread. They were out of a lot of bread but they had rye which was good because rye bread is my fave type of yeasty goodness. The deli was closed (because of the time of night) so we shopped the pre-sliced. Picked up some lacey swiss cheese, some london broil roast beef, some chicken breast... I saw an endcap display of paper towels by pharmacy so I grabbed that because we needed paper towels... I got excited looking at the energy drinks because not only does Wegmans have all the brands I like (Monster, Alani, a couple of others I can't think of right now), I can get the Alani in a multipack and I can get a variety pack of the Monster...things I can't get at ShopRite (or at least not the one I worked at). Everything was fine!

Until it wasn't.

We ended up in paper goods where things like sandwich bags and the like are. We need more ziplock bags, we're running low (though I think I found the box of them I'd misplaced). Serena asked, "What size do you wanna get?"

Someone asked in r/raisedbynarcissists, "What perfectly normal things give you anxiety or make you uncomfortable because you were raised by narcissists?" and someone else answered:

Making decisions. I feel like no matter what I choose it will be the wrong thing.

This is exactly my problem.

What happened: sheer panic set in for this exact reason - I will undoubtedly pick the "wrong" answer and end up getting yelled at for it. If I picked the gallon: "oh why would you pick the biggest size? We don't need bags so big, you should pick the small!" and vice-versa. Because with narcs there is no such thing as winning against them.

Now Serena doesn't give a shit what size I picked. We could've picked a small and a large for all it mattered. But it was the fact that I was faced with this decision where my brain considered there being a "right" and a "wrong"...yeah. We ended up skipping the ziplock bags simply because Serena could tell it was stressing me out. Which is an absurd sounding thing to type, I know.

(To see my response to this person's comment, you can go right here.)

I skipped getting yoghurt for the same fucking reason. Serena encourages me to pick things out that I want because it's not like anything is going to break the bank—things are so much cheaper up this way. But still.

We ended up in Frozen, where I was looking at pizza and thinking of maybe buying more pierogies and more fried tempura pickles. Serena asked, "Do you want anything? You can just grab it if you want it."
My brain: Is this a trap? What's the catch behind this "free for all"? There's no way we can just grab the food we want, we have to consider the consensus of everyone else eating this food. Do they want these things?

I did not grab either of those things. I said, "Nah, I'm good, I don't want anything." More like I can't want anything. Aleks was losing his shit the whole time this was going on.
"What are you doing? Serena asked because she is genuinely asking for you to participate in grocery shopping!" He's upset; I'm even more upset—at myself, at the situation that I've been put in because of my incubator, how fucked up this all is and how it all sounds and certainly looks. Can I function out in public? Am I able to do so successfully?

Sometimes I honestly feel like a little kid except I've been left completely unattended and I have no idea where Mommy and Daddy are in the store and oh yeah no one is going to call a Code Adam overhead for someone in their 30s who shouldn't need to be led around the store like a scared and overwhelmed 5 year old.

That's arrested development for you.

We get to the tater tots. Serena happily points out the 5lb bag of tater tots and then the smaller bag on the shelf above it. I would've gotten the big bag because I love tater tots and could eat them all day every day. Potatoes is a safe/comfort food for me. Again, Brain says, "No, you can't have them. Who tf do you think you are??? And Ore-Ida no less?? The big bag is almost $6! Are you mad??? Trying to make us go broke??"

I am Struggling mentally between wanting the tater tots and just screaming "are you fucking nuts???" and not being sure if I'm yelling at myself or my wife or that voice inside my head unrelated to my alters telling me what I can and can't have or want.

I end up saying, "No I don't want them anymore." A placating answer. I was the one who really wanted the tater tots, which is why they were even on the list. I wanted to see how they would be in the air fryer. We could have them with chicken tendies (which we also got). It would be great! But no. Brain says I can't have them. So I can't.

Serena understandably questions this and I would have done the same if she'd done something like this to me. I am on the verge of sobbing in the frozen section of Wegmans because now I am stressing the fuck out and practically panicking over fucking POTATO NUGGETS. I walk away because that's what I do when something stresses me out, the fight-flight-freeze-fawn response kicks in and usually I pick flight because it's so much easier. I have the urge to run but I don't and I can't do that physically anyway because lol chronic fatigue!

Serena is typing on her phone and I am mentally screaming as Aleks tries to hold me together long enough for me to leave the front. Like arms wrapped around me. He has to pull me from the front and switching like that is disorienting to both of us but especially him. All Serena typed was basically "I can come back later or tomorrow to get the tater tots and the baking stuff if you don't want to buy them now." She thought I was freaking out about the cost because she left her wallet in the car and I offered to use my card instead. Had nothing to do with cost it's just the fact that the narcissist doesn't leave you just because you removed yourself from their life and refuse to partake in their bullshit anymore. I have been conditioned to obey the narcissist.

Breaking free of that conditioning will take a long time. It's certainly not going to happen in five seconds in the Wegmans frozen foods department.

Serena asks again when we've rejoined her if we want the tater tots and Aleks is the one who responds with, "No, I don't want them" with more force than he wanted and then immediately after thought, Why did I say that? Aleks wanted me to get them but instead of correcting himself he just left it as is because by this point I'm sobbing and he's trying to hold everything together and Serena is probably stressed out because her spouse is having a fucking meltdown in fucking Wegmans.

It doesn't help that as we traversed the different aisles the layout was reminding me of the old ShopRite in Montague and that made me think of my former coworkers and how I was basically forced to quit a job where I loved the people I worked with because I had to fucking escape my abusive egg donor and how unfair it was to me to have to do that.

I don't regret moving to Elmira or buying a house but I really wish I didn't have to do it under the circumstances I did. If I had a normal family I would've been allowed to move out without there being unnecessary drama and problems. Most parents want their kids to move out and live their own lives but my female parental unit is a narcissist so I was the "chosen one" to be the "retirement plan" for her. I was never supposed to have my own life to live or my own identity.

I've met a lot of people in the RBN and related subreddits and a decent amount of them have DID. Is it any wonder why this is seemingly so pervasive in people who were raised by narcissistic abusers???

We came to this realisation months ago that the entire reason we are this fucked up is because of how fucked up Egg is and how fucked up her treatment of us was/is.

The circumstances of our birth basically is the reason why I am where I am right now.

People ask how they can help me, if there is a way to "make me better" quicker. The answer is no. I need time. To adjust, to grieve, to just be.

Aleks said he thought I was becoming agoraphobic but like. If that were the case I wouldn't be able to leave the house at all without panicking and that's not the case. I don't mind going places. I don't mind going to Wegmans or Target or wherever the fuck else. Like. This is a lot for me right now, I have gone through a lot in a short amount of time. We closed on the house in October and then not even a month later Sadie went onto her next journey by crossing the Bridge and this is after uprooting my entire life again. Like.

I need time. Most of the time I'm okay but when I'm not it's hard.

~*~
A friend Serena's known forever messaged her on FB congratulating us on our house and getting out of the shit situation we found ourselves in... The real reason she messaged though was to ask a question:

We took in a beautiful kitty about 2 months ago. She was pregnant when we brought her in, and now we have 5 gorgeous kittens, but have only found homes for 3. By any chance would you guys be interested in a new baby? They'll be ready to go home with ppl next week after they get their first shots. We want the best homes for them.

The kittens are grey tabbies and voids.

Grey tabbies...like Sadie. They say that your next cat is sent from the last one. The cat Serena had before Sadie was a chonky orange boy named Elijah... We ended up with our chonky ginger girl Saru. Now we have the opportunity to have a new kitten (or two) not even a month after Sadie crossed over when we weren't even seriously looking because we wanted the Cat Distribution System and Sadie to send us our next cat.

No cat will ever replace Sadie and I know this. I'm not looking for another Sadie. There is only one Her Meowjesty, and that's our Grey Lady Sadie. But Saru needs a playmate and she's not really doing well as a solo purr. She stopped eating canned wet food after Sadie passed because Wet Food Time was a meal time where Sadie led the charge and stole all the leftovers.

We didn't get to experience Sadie's kittenhood. Watching Saru go from a ~7 month old kitten to a 3 year old cat has been so rewarding, watching her go from disproportionate and clumsy to proportionate and slightly less clumsy lol (she's Orange she will never be beauty and grace). Watching her go from not knowing how to jump onto things to being able to jump onto anything...

Serena and I decided to keep this all a secret from Aleks. We were all devastated by losing Sadie but he took it extra hard—Sadie was a Mama Girl sure but she loved her papa slightly more. He was completely bereft. Not only that but we're going to have him name the new kitten if we end up with a tabby.

~*~
So on Saturday (the 7th) I discovered I had a phone call from Bon Secours Medical Center that was missed due to the phone being on Do Not Disturb...at 04:15.

Why the hell was Bon trying to call me? I initially thought maybe it was my doctor's office until I saw the time (because it sometimes comes up that way). Gears shifted to Ah, it's probably a scammer spoofing an area number so they can tell me my car's extended warranty is expired. I mentioned it to my wife but thought nothing more about it. Later that day we went downstate to get more of our things and everything was fine.

Today Serena came in and said, "Remember that call you got from Westchester Medical?"
"Yeah...?" Vaguely.
"At 4 in the morning?"
"Oh, yeah, that."
"There was an incident."

Here I was thinking like, a cybersecurity breach of some kind which maybe would've explained the phone call? It could've been someone spoofing the number to try and collect personal information by having you answer questions or something.

She came into the bathroom (where I was), phone in hand.
"I just got a text from 'Independent Living' looking for Egg and asking her to call back this number or text. They have questions about 'the incident on 12/07'."
What incident? We'd literally gone down there that day and nothing seemed off. She asked if we got snow and how much, if we needed more rock salt, etc. (She's convinced we've moved up by Rochester and we've done nothing to correct her.)

Serena texted the number back with, "Hello, we don't live with [Egg] anymore and are no longer in contact. If you need to speak with her she can be reached at [phone number]. Thank you!" I have no idea if she heard anything further but like. What incident? Nothing was even mentioned to us when we were down there and this was hours later.

I figured I'd text the only person she's still in contact with. Rob had no idea what I was talking about because he'd not heard anything either, but suggested that she likely had a breakdown because of her TV or the cable not working "since she's completely obsessed with it." Apparently that's all she went on about during his time at her house right after we left. (I can only imagine how the rest of Wednesday, all of Thanksgiving, and part of Friday went lol.) When I mentioned something to Michael about it he offered, "She probably tried to off herself again" as a theory.

"Would they have let her leave if she tried to do something like that?"
I mean, the last time she pulled that, she was out the next day; the last time she "had a breakdown" she was out a few hours later with a referral to the lone mental health clinic in Port...that they dropped her off at...only for her to discover it was closed for the day... So...

It is what it is, it's none of my business so. Egg isn't going to accept help from social workers who would more than likely push for some sort of assisted living place or one of those senior communities where you can live independently and everything is more or less on-site with shuttle buses to take you to places that aren't on the grounds (like food shopping). But all she sees are price tags. She should've been planning for this since she retired, but instead she was banking on me being her income, her caregiver, her shuttle car, Door Dash, etc. not factoring in things like "what if Karu moves out and away?" or "what if Karu meets an untimely demise?"

So she's stuck in that house. In Port Jervis. Where in the not-so-distant future most doctors will have moved out of or retired from Westchester Medical, especially specialists. This would create a "medical desert" with the nearest specialists being in Suffern, NY or else somewhere in the Five Boroughs...almost 100 miles away. And if you don't have access to a car and can't take the train...you're stuck. Because the ones in PA aren't all in Milford, either. I wouldn't be surprised if in 5 years Bon Secours is closed and there are no doctors in the area outside of ones that travel around to the disadvantaged areas...

That house is too big for her but I doubt she'll sell it. She will hold onto it until the state takes it from her to pay for her long term care facility. She could've avoided a lot of this by planning better. You don't bank on your kids taking care of you when you're older and this is the reason why. Even the ones who do have a good relationship with you will still put you in some sort of facility, it'll just be nicer than Shady Pines.

She's probably hoping she can move in with Rob, Jenny, and the kid; hoping beyond all hopes that she can manipulate who she needs to into letting her take up residence in their house. But even Rob is tired of her bullshit. Her obsession with the most trivial things; her obsession with the TV and cable... So he gets it.

In the end Egg drove everyone away. She is reaping what she's sown.

Exhausted doesn't even cut it. It's not even physical exhaustion at this point, it's just Nothing But Exhaustion. Exhaustion Everywhere.

This morning as we waited for Spectrum to show up and give us internet access Tri-state Vet called.

We have Sadie's cremains for you to pick up whenever is convenient for you.

Our Sadie is ready.

"We're open until 6pm today but if that doesn't work for you we can hold her until you're ready."
"We'll be in the area today anyway so we can come by and pick her up today."
"That's great to hear! We'll have Sadie ready for you when to arrive."

Sadie can come home today.

That was the first place we went, actually, when we got into Port. They brought her out in a really nice bag that said in gold foil Pet Meadow and they expressed their condolences again because vets and vet assistants get it. Sadie isn't just our cat. Sadie is our baby.

We got out into the car and took the really nice keepsake box out of the bag. It has a name plate with "Sadie" on it. There's the proof of cremation to ensure that she was cremated with the dignity and respect she deserves, and a card of condolence from the crematory people because animal lovers get it. We both started sobbing because here's our girl. We can bring her home and put her somewhere nice. Being able to hold her in my hands made everything real.

Sadie's really gone.

I knew how important it was to have her ashes and I knew that it would help bring closure to Aleks, who was especially devastated by her passing. For now, we would keep them in a safe spot in my car until we made the trip back home.

~*~
We got to pack not one but two cars today since either tomorrow or Wednesday my FIL is gonna ride with us downstate so he can drive Serena's car up to our house.

Her car doesn't sound good so depending, Dale (who has AAA) might just get it towed to our house instead. It's nothing to do with the engine, it could even be something as simple as her struts are going (first thing to go once your car approaches and hits 10 years old). Her brakes do need to be looked at and probably replaced at the very least. Like they still work okay, but whether he'll be comfortable driving it is a completely different thing. With AAA if you get a tow, the first 100 miles are free, so Serena would only have to pay for 71 miles, which isn't that bad. If that ends up being the case, Dale would ride with the tow truck driver instead.

Funny how when you pay your car off that's when everything starts to go wrong with it lmao.

All of the really light stuff (mostly clothing and plushies) went in her car so as to not tax the brakes and struts too much; all of the heavy shit (mostly books lbr) went in mine because my car doesn't have anywhere near the amount of wear and tear that hers does.

(Remember, it was her car that went back and forth from Rochester to Port multiple times a year, sometimes months in a row. That's almost 300 miles one way.)

To compare, her car is at around 80k miles (which is a decent amount for any car) whereas when we're all said and done with this move my car will be at 30k. (When we got the car from Healey's it was at 19k and change which is like nothing on a 2016 car, it wasn't driven all that much.)

Whilst we were packing up the cars Egg was in the kitchen listening to the radio to some modern country music station lmao I guess we got what we wanted packed up in the car, but I'm starting to get really nervous about things... Like when you think about it there's really not that much left in my office that I need/want to take? But we still have stuff in Serena's office, we still have stuff in the back room (though not a whole lot), and we still have the bedroom...

Like yeah we have Tuesday and Wednesday still...but I feel like there's still so much to go through, even though we've already gone through everything.

idk. It's just the feeling of overwhelm. This is a lot and it's not even everything, you know what I mean? It's just. Yeah.

Aleks seems confident and Serena does too that we'll get everything out by Wednesday. I don't want to return there after the holiday.

When we were pretty much done for the night, Egg I guess was getting ready to turn in for the night as well, because she asked if we were almost done, which we were. We shut all the lights off and headed out to the cars; Serena was gonna move hers to the driveway because we were only taking mine.

Something that kind of caught me off guard I guess is, you know, Egg wanted to know if we were gonna be here tomorrow and Aleks said yeah, we were gonna be here tomorrow and Wednesday. So she was like, "Well if I don't get a chance to see you, have a happy Thanksgiving. Have a good night and drive safe."
"You too," Aleks said, just as caught off guard.

I ended up crying on the way home because wow, she actually sounded human. And like, I know it probably wasn't genuine. She knows now that we weren't bluffing and she's lost. It's a massive wound to a narc's ego for something like this to happen. Thing is, I wouldn't have had to do it like this if she didn't abuse me and my wife like she did. Like this is in direct response to how she's treated me and been treating me and Serena. If anyone is to blame here it's her.

But I still can't help but feel bad.

Or, I guess, if you prefer, Is Egg actually obsessed with me?

So Aleks packed up more shit tonight, basically clearing out the bedroom closet. He found ALL of my plushies which is good, and the even better news is there was no evidence whatsoever of mice. So that's great! Nothing was damaged! Also took the clothes I wanted from the closet and the rest can just stay in there lmao I don't care what happens to it, like I've said about everything else I plan on leaving. He also packed up the plushies in the net thing hanging from the ceiling, and all of the plushies I had along the shelf behind my bed and on the one bookcase. So we are good in that regard.

Aleks made a post about the latest Egg incident which just showcases how fucking unhinged she's getting which says a LOT honestly. Like. She's fucking nuts.

I guess it's my turn to tell you this one, even though I wasn't the one fronting during it (it was Aleks)...

SO SOME BACKGROUND: I have a solid wood table that can be used as an end table if you put both leaves of the table down. You can also use it as a coffee table with one or both leaves up depending on how large you want it to be. It's a beautiful table! It's also an heirloom (and will probably be the only heirloom I end up with tbh after all of this is said and done lol). Of course I'm taking it, I'm gonna use it as a coffee table in my house, it'll look super nice!

Because the table is solid wood, it's also heavy as fuck, and really requires two people to lift. So Serena helped Aleks bring it through the hall and down the stairs, which was really slow going because our sense of balance is shaky at best so going downstairs backwards is...yeah. But it got out there, and Aleks was concerned, after all that work, as to whether it would fit in the backseat of my car.

Which it did, by the way, without any problem at all, so that's always nice.

Aleks had just gotten the door closed when he heard the front door creak open, and there was Egg looking out. He and Serena ignored her, and when the door shut, they both went "what the fuck?" over it. They discussed what was gonna happen tomorrow (more packing the car up basically), and the front door opened AGAIN, and Egg was there gawking outside in her fucking nightdress. It's 32 degrees out, there's snow on the ground, and even though Aleks was in just a tank top, jeans, and Crocs (bad shoe choice for going outside when there's still snow by the car), it was still kind of cold (even though it didn't bother him because he was hot from all the heavy lifting). Then the door closed again.

Like why are you watching us, you fucking weirdo? Have you never seen someone move shit into their car before? Curious as to what we were putting in the car? Why do you care? Why does it matter? Are you going to accuse me of stealing this table from you when you gave it to me before we moved up here? Because you seem to love accusing me of stealing things that are, you know, mine or were otherwise given to me.

No doubt she will be watching us every time we go up and come down the stairs tomorrow. That seems to be what she does every fucking Saturday. Sunday she will stand there like some sentinel, half in the way, as we pack up the car. Aleks and Serena will just ignore her. She probably does it because she knows it annoys Aleks and she says something stupid knowing it annoys Serena and that's how she gets her narc supply fix.

Aleks and I spent 15 minutes as he moved things from the bedroom to my office just going "what a fucking weirdo" as Serena got dinner for us. He then wondered if Egg has some strange obsession with me. She's probably hoping that I'll change my mind and decide that I actually LIKE being mistreated and verbally abused and taken advantage of! That I'll go back to being her servant and her retirement plan and even go a step further and become her caretaker! Because forget my wife, right? Why would I want a happy life with her in the Southern Tier when I could be here in this shithole with this narcissistic abuser until I decide to do myself in???

Like no. That is never going to happen. I am absolutely going scorched earth. I don't care anymore. No amount of heirlooms or diamond rings is going to make me start giving a shit nor will it have me change my mind. I love my wife. I want to be able to enjoy time with her because life is not infinite, it is finite, it is way too short, and it's over too soon. I want to be able to enjoy my life before I leave this existence.

~*~

So remember when Aleks and I said that Egg has a rodent problem?

Well I guess she also has a roach problem!

Now I know I've seen like, a couple every once in a while in the kitchen (one was even in the fridge 🤢) buuuuut guess where they've decided to show up~?

Yeah Serena killed it with a combination of Raid (for flying insects) and a Sprite bottle.

Did some googling and guess what? It's a German cockroach! The most "troublesome" of pests according to Wikipedia. Though they are scavengers (like all roaches and things like them), they don't tend to gather in places where humans are, preferring deserted and abandoned places instead. The only reason they end up in occupied buildings is when it's really cold outside, because they can't deal with the cold very well. The reason they're troublesome is because they're resistant to 47 different active ingredients in pesticides! And they're able to develop resistance quite easily!

A pain!!!

Of course Egg would never know because they're nocturnal but no doubt she would blame us/our cats because everything has to be our fault, dontcha know. Blech. Has nothing to do with us.

What alerted us to the cockroach?

Our cat.

Yeah.

(Why did Bitty not squash it with one of her massive peets or just outright eat it? I dunno. It's okay, Mama took care of it with Raid and a soda bottle cap lmao.)

But now of course no one wants to sleep because what if one crawls on us when we're sleeping? hfsigshgd no thanks lmao

You wanna know what else we have???

Brown recluse spiders.

Which is a COMPLETE NIGHTMARE when you're arachnophobic like my wife and I both are. But I killed one a couple years back, found a dead one when packing up one of the closets in my office, and then Serena killed another one today. So yeah. It's not really something I can Google or look up because I have such severe arachnophobia that I can't look at pictures of spiders and I also can't really read about them without getting skeeved the fuck out. So yeah! Yeah. They are like black widow spider bad in that they can kill you if you're not careful.

Yeah.

(This is why somewhere like Australia is a No No Zone because No. The spiders there? Too fucking big. You just light everything on fire at that point it's fine.)

When we're out of here the second floor might have a war between like, wasps and cockroaches and mice and like who fucking knows what else might join the fray. Yellow jackets? Something that looks like a yellow jacket but actually isn't? BEES? (I love bees I hope they win in this war.)

Smash Brothers but it's Super Smash Insects I guess idk

(I know spiders are technically not insects or bugs or whatever but like who cares lmao)

SO YEAH.

I hate it here.

A million fucking questions as we bring heavy things out.

Get out of my fucking way.

"I'm not in the way I'm off to the side."
You're in the way of the fucking door. 動け!

"You don't need to watch us move. We don't need adult supervision."
We're adults in case you forgot. But you still think we're a child being taken away by some mean, bad lady.

"Well it's MY house I can watch you if I want!"
"Okay that's really creepy and stalkerish of you, you unhinged weirdo."
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!
We are entitled to our privacy. And I know you're a narc and have no idea what that means unless it's about your privacy. No one can barge into your room unannounced but you can barge into ours shrieking like the world is ending over something trivial.

"Do you want this candle?"
No, l don't care about a stupid candle bought at Walmart on clearance. You can use it to light your ~precious house~ on fire for all I care.

"Do you want this ornament with your [dead] name on it?"
No. Why would anyone here want something that doesn't have our name or it's the wrong one or wrong spelling? Also why didn't you give that to us with the ornaments with RM's picture in it? Why are you still hanging onto it?

As Serena told you, you can keep it as a memento if you want to. I don't care what you do with it.
"Are you sure?"
Yeah. Who do you think you're talking to? Address me correctly. My name is Aleks.

Oh that's right you're still in denial over Karu's DID.

"Are you taking x? Y? Z?"
Do you ever stop asking questions like a fucking two year old? I know you're a toddler pretending to be a 70 year old woman, but still. Should I look around for your Mommy and Daddy? Oh, that's right, you don't have any parents anymore... I'm not your guardian either.

"What about the lawn mower? Are you taking that? Because if not then you'll have to leave me the key otherwise it'll be useless."
You're not gonna use it anyway. I would sell tickets to watch you try to mow a lawn 😂 That might be illegal considering circuses and things like freakshow acts aren't really a thing anymore and they exploited people who had disabilities or could do interesting things using their body. But also...you don't even know how to use a lawn mower.

"Or you can figure out a way to get rid of it."
Bold of you to assume we're getting rid of anything we're not taking lmao 🤣😂 I am doing the move anyone who has had to escape a narcissistic abuser makes: taking the things I want and getting the fuck out of here.

Go back to your TV that is so loud the neighbours can probably hear it and then cry to your only child because as far as I'm concerned Karu is not yours and never was and never will be. You did not raise them. That was me.

Speaking of, for the last goddamn time, that name you gave the body 30some odd years ago IS NOT MY NAME, NOT KARU'S NAME, NOT THE NAME OF ANYONE HERE.

My name is Aleksey. You can call me Aleks. If you don't I'm not going to answer because who the fuck do you think are you talking to?

Not me.

You haven't seen my authoritative side, have you? You don't want to, I can tell you that much. Be lucky you've only seen my parental side and my protective side.

Oh and by the way we can see you watching from the front windows. We're not doing anything except sitting in the car making sure we have everything before we head home.

A house you will never see or step inside of. After all, it's my house and I'll trepass you if I want to 🫶🏻

Because that was me this morning.

Here I am, freshly showered after yet another epiphany re: Egg happened and I got angry on Karu's behalf (again), brushing my teeth, when Serena comes in wanting to wash grapes real quick for her breakfast and casually says, "So Eggikins went to the store today. It's on the security camera."

Egg usually goes to the store on Thursdays (and by "Egg goes" I am speaking of a Time Before when Egg actually wanted to do things for herself instead of trying to make everyone around her her servants). But Sunday's incident I guess left Eggikins feeling a certain way, and so to avoid us, I guess she's decided to change her day to Wednesdays until we're out of here so that she can continue to avoid us...? (Even though tomorrow is our last Thursday at the store, she doesn't know that, like she doesn't know our last day of work is the 26th, because she doesn't need to.) After finding out that no, we can't ring you out. Yes, really. (Even if we could, we wouldn't.)

It's like she was offended we couldn't break the rules for her or something 🙄

Anyway that's not the reason for embarrassment. The reason for embarrassment is that when she went outside to wait for the taxi (which she'd probably called for not that long before she went out), after waiting a few minutes, she started to get annoyed. According to Serena, who watched the whole clip with audio on:

She whined something like, "come on why do you take so long?"

Because you're not the only one who uses the taxi service in Port Jervis, Egg. That's why. The particular taxi company you use is the most popular one in the area - they are in high demand (because they are the best taxi service in the area). Unless you set up a specific pickup time in advance, it's first come, first serve. So you were entered into a queue. No matter how prompt they are, they can't magically teleport a taxi to your location right after requesting one.

But it's Egg, who thinks the world revolves around her, and that she is the most important person. Obviously they should know this. Somehow.

So there she stood on the front porch waiting, two (maybe three, it was hard to tell) reusable bags in hand, complaining that there wasn't a taxi two minutes after she'd called for one. I'm kind of surprised she even bothers with the reusable bags, considering ShopRite of Westfall is in Pennsylvania, and there is no plastic bag ban (like in NYS and NJ). But whatever. Those are her bags to keep, we don't need/want them back unless she doesn't want them. I don't know why she didn't just take the bag with all of them (including the reusable produce bags), but that would've made sense, and Egg was too busy complaining about the taxi being unable to warp to her location to care about that, I suppose...

As Serena told me about all of this, my toothbrush hanging from my mouth, all I could think to say was, "Be serious."
"Oh no I am being serious."
"You've got to be joking."
"I am not."
"I want to suffocate myself on my toothbrush." From the embarrassment, knowing that she's being incredibly junior high about all of this. To avoid seeing us at the store, even though she doesn't have to be anywhere near us, she's picked a completely different day until, I'm guessing, we're free of this place.

Which if I have any say in it, will be very, very, very soon. Because I will forego sleep to get everything packed up and cleared out as fast as possible. I don't care at this point. I want us out.

Serena saved the footage to our Google Drive... Here's what she saved it as:


😂

---

That shower epiphany...has to do with Rob's wedding. (Which...I went back and read through Karu's entries about it, because I have no memories of it myself, and it sounded like a complete shitshow.)

1. The fact that Egg contributed nothing to his wedding, not even $100 towards the cake or something, because she was too busy cosplaying poverty while sitting on six figures of cash to even pay for the cake or part of the cake or part of the flowers or something

2. The fact that the meal cost per person was $200, and Egg only gave a gift of $500 - the cost of two meals - when she could've given more than meal cost if she wasn't so stingy (and cosplaying poverty like I said), and then had the audacity to scoff at people who only gave a gift of $25 or $100. You didn't even give them anything, it was a wash.

3. The fact that because Egg was too busy playing the role of "poor, downtrodden old woman down on her luck because she is the Grieving Widow still after seven years," she refused to pay for Karu to get their hair and makeup done by the professional MUA Jenny had coming by the bridal suite... Karu was a bridesmaid and not just that, Karu was the groom's sibling. Karu instead had to tackle this challenge on their own with drugstore makeup and zero knowledge of how makeup is applied or what looks best.

3a. Some might blame this less on Egg and more on the bride because if she wanted everyone to look their best, she should've been footing the bill to ensure everyone was able to get the same level of professionally done styling; an oversight on the bride's part.

The fact that this was the wedding of her beloved baby boy who means the world to her and is the Golden Child makes me realize that Egg literally cares for no one but herself and her money is for her and her only. I don't know why she feels the need to hoard it. She can't take it with her when she dies. It's not like tombs hidden in the sands of Egypt of long dead pharaohs where their money and gems and pets and furniture are all buried in there with them due to their belief that these things somehow transported to the afterlife alongside them.

Do you want to know what I think?

I think Egg is going to die without a penny to her name. She will have to sell her house (which probably hasn't appreciated that much) and whatever possessions are worth money (which aren't many). Some long term care facility for the elderly will take all that they can monetary wise until she has nothing left to give them, in which case the state will step in, she will end up on Medicaid (there's nothing wrong with someone being on Medicaid btw, please don't misconstrue considering we were on it at different points in our adult life), and in some facility that probably no one in their right mind would send their loved one to.

And Egg will realize, all too late, that no one has any love and compassion for her, because they know exactly who and what she is. You can't have compassion for someone like Egg, who is a malignant narcissist, who enjoys playing mind games and employing manipulation tactics in order to best hurt everyone around them; the closer they are, the more hurt they receive. Which is why distance is best, no contact the only way forward.

After all, Egg was the one who said, in response to Serena telling her that she's not getting our new address, “Oh well that’s good! I’m glad! I don’t wanna know your address.” Egg was the one who added in after, “I don’t wanna know your life, I don’t wanna know ANYTHING.”

We will all have to face our mistakes and live with whatever the consequences of our actions are. Good and bad. For us, the consequence to us leaving is being saddled with a mortgage payment...and also our healing journey... As for Egg... The outcome for her is less positive.

After all, the seeds of the chaos and discord she's sown in the past are starting to blossom... Eventually they will bear fruit...that we won't be around to witness rot in her hands.

I told her not to fuck with me. But she fucked with me. She fucked with Serena. She fucked with Karu, which is why I had to step in and help orchestrate our escape.

Egg's fucked around. She's at the find out stage now. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Isn't that the "Golden rule" they taught you in Sunday school, Egg? Treat others how you want to be treated.

It's very telling how you would like to be treated, considering how little you care about how much hurt you dole out to everyone around you. There's no fixing you.

There's no fixing this situation.

The only "fix" is to leave and cut off all ties.

Attempted suicide is used as a manipulation tactic in this. Tread carefully nonetheless if you're particularly sensitive to such topic.

"I need your help!"
It was the evening of 2 March, 2024. Ren and I were spending some time together since it was a rare weekend off for me. Snuggling in bed, pondering what to have for dinner, what we should watch next... Until she turned to me and said, "I think Egg is calling for you."
Pause YouTube. Listen harder. Ren's hearing is better than mine is, so at first I didn't hear anything at all. Until...
"[Dead name]! I need your help!"
The last time Egg had done something like this, it wasn't even an emergency, or mildly important. Egg liked to make the most trivial and mundane of matters into earth shattering, "the world is ending" disaster scenarios, when all she needs is a money transfer from her bank account. Or a bill double checked. Certainly not something dire.

So, because it's never anything important, but she thought everything was important, I more or less ignored it. After it, she probably wanted something that could certainly wait until tomorrow.
The annoyance at being ignored was clear in her voice when she shouted again, "I need your help! I tried to kill myself!"
I will admit, I nearly passed out at that. It led to me wondering why on earth she was shouting up to me about it when the phone was right there and she could make a phone call to 9-1-1 herself? After all if she was at the foot of the stairs, and shouting up with several minutes in between each time, it couldn't be that dire.
I don't do well with situations like this, so Aleks ended up taking over, because he is made for these situations.

Aleks and Ren looked over the banister. Egg was at the bottom, looking calm and collected and like she was waiting for a package to arrive. As Aleks and Ren debated whether a call to EMS was necessary, she shouted up again that she needed help. So Ren and Aleks made their way down the stairs, where Egg was standing.
No blood.
No gaping wounds.
Nothing that seemed to be an emergency.
She watched as Aleks took a seat on one of the steps, Ren standing not far from the bottom herself.
"I tried to kill myself." She sounded like she was describing the weather.
"Okay," Aleks said, reacting calmly. "Do you need EMS?"
"I took a knife," she continued, ignoring him, "and tried to--" She made a cutting motion across her neck.
"Do you wanna see the knife? The cuts?" She sounded giddy at the prospect of showing off her self harm wounds and the item she used to create them. Something was definitely off.
"No, I don't need to see--why are you asking that?" Something was definitely off to Aleks, even more so now. "Do you need us to call for an ambulance?"
Egg seemed hesitant. Guarded. "Well, I don't know. It depends."

( Read more... )

The first noticeable sign of her lack of compassion was probably when she got news that her brother died on 18 January, 2024. Admittedly I didn't really know my uncle much; the last visit we'd ever had was when I was young and we still had parties for different things like birthdays and Christmas. And even then I didn't really know him. My brothers had spent more time with him in their youth than I did in my whole life, for example, so my eldest brother was (understandably) devastated by the news. Even so, I still felt a twinge of sadness considering how strained things were between him and my aunt, and how he was all but written out of the family by everyone else. The sadness was due to things being irreparably broken and now forever so. No way to even attempt to fix things or exchange apologies.

Not terribly long before this, I'd decided to reconnect with my older brother, whom I hadn't talked to in 5 years at that point. I couldn't really remember why we'd stopped talking, just that Egg had something to do with it. Between different things she'd told me he'd (allegedly) said about me, to different things he'd (allegedly) written in a letter to her, I guess those were maybe some of the reasons. So I'd reached out on Facebook Messenger and was waiting for some kind of response from him. The news of my uncle passing only reinforced my feeling of "making the correct choice" in trying to make things right between us again. My brother isn't exactly old but he also wasn't young and you know what? Tomorrow isn't guaranteed for anyone. He could be dead tomorrow. Did I really want to keep this silence between us and, by the time I finally bit the bullet and tried, find out that it was too late?

So when Egg told me this news I said, "Oh! I'm sorry to hear that." I asked how she found that out, and it was through Golden Son. Nothing else was known (what he died of, etc). Egg said, in a wistful sort of way almost, "It's a shame that things ended the way they did. We were so close at one point and then everything else happened." From the outside looking in, one might think she was expressing some form of regret. Her tone was wrong for that sort of thing, considering I was expecting an "oh well!" to get added to the end. She didn't seem terribly bothered the more time elapsed between the news and her letting me know, and her going back to whatever she was doing.

Which is strange, to me at least. This was her brother whom she was really close to growing up and even throughout early adulthood. Despite whatever happened between the two of them (and the rest of the family), that's still her brother. It seemed "off" to me that she wasn't more upset, that it was more like she heard on the news that tomorrow would be rain showers and oh, isn't that depressing?

Some people are in shock when they hear news like this, so maybe that was it? I thought. But when I told other people the news, even people who'd never met him or, indeed, had no idea I even had any uncles, they seemed a lot more upset and concerned than Egg. Even I was more upset than Egg.

This is how Egg reacted to her mother passing, to her father passing, to all of her relatives passing. In Egg's own words, she was "extremely close" to my grandmother in particular, and yet the one who nearly collapsed from grief at her funeral was me. Not Egg, who didn't seem bothered in the least.

Now prior to all of this my mother-in-law passed, and right before Thanksgiving no less. And Egg, upon hearing the news when I told her, seemed completely unbothered by it. She said something to the effect of, "Now it's all over," and whether that was about Eileen's suffering or something else, I don't know. She not once offered condolences to me or my wife, whose mom it was who passed. Nothing. Not even an "I'm sorry to hear that." The only thing I was asked about was whether or not my wife was left any inheritance, and if so, how much. As if my wife gave a fuck about that a couple of days after her mom died and was buried!

Here is an important fact about Egg: she only cares about things with dollar signs stuck in front of them. She has lived off of the estates of both her deceased husband and her deceased parents the past 20+ years total. We went without a lot of things because she refused to seek out and obtain gainful employment, giving excuse after excuse on why she couldn't do that, all so she could continue to hoard her dead husband's money for her own selfish purposes. She is a dragon guarding her mountain of gold coins. For what purpose? I have no idea. Maybe she thinks she can take whatever money she amasses and hoards with her to the afterlife. I don't know.

Egg asked my wife to do something major for her and my wife told her she couldn't do it because she was busy grieving over her mom's death and could barely focus on the things she was supposed to (like work)...and all Egg said was, "That has nothing to do with me."
Maybe not, but anyone with even an ounce of compassion would be understanding enough to go, "Ah, yes, take all the time you need, I'll figure something out."
But not Egg.
Never Egg.
Egg, who feels like the world revolves around her and we're all her willing servants at her beck and call day and night, finds someone choosing themself over her "unacceptable".

My wife was too focused on grieving to call about getting the driveway extended. Egg pitched a fit over it and then came after me, saying how horrible a spouse I am for not getting the driveway taken care of.
As if I give a fuck about a driveway for a property I don't even own when my mother-in-law passed away and I have to be there for my wife and support her emotionally with her grieving.
Egg, who feels like the world revolves around her and we're all just paying rent to be here, that we're volunteers who wear many hats and are willing to do whatever job she demands of us, finds someone choosing their wife, the most important person in their life, "unacceptable".

We'll get back to that though. There is a lot to be said about that.