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omaewokorosuA lovely (/s) Egg-centric memory popped up in my head thanks to this r/raisedbynarcissists post because Egg is Absurdity personified.
Egg always for whatever reason accused me of being "too loud". You ask anyone if I'm loud and they will laugh at you. I am only loud when I am with "safe people". Most people think I'm really quiet and soft-spoken.
WELL if you asked Egg I am loud as hell and I don't care if I'm disturbing other people I reside with because I'm selfish and ungrateful and whatever else you can use to mean those two words. (Egg also thinks I'm purposely ignoring her when I just always have headphones on, have since basically forever, and they're noise cancelling so I can't hear her whiny voice yelling for someone who doesn't exist.)
Anyway. I have no idea if I talked about this back when it happened and I can't be assed to go and look through older entries...
Back when we were at the apartment (where we had noisy neighbours), I got yelled at for making noise...except I wasn't actually making any noise. My TV was at the lowest volume possible without being muted, closed captions on; I had music on at an also low volume, uncharacteristic of me since I like my music loud, with headphones on so no one could hear anything. Sat in front of the computer. Minding my own business. The room is silent. Outside is also pretty quiet.
Suddenly Egg barges in, because she never once knocked on my bedroom door at any point in my life because narcissists don't respect anyone's privacy but their own, to yell, "Knock it off! You're being too loud and annoying do you know how late it is??? I'm trying to sleep!!!"
It was like maybe 9pm. But also, I wasn't making any noise. Just sat in my computer chair minding my own business, no sound whatsoever from me. I stared at her in confusion because I wasn't doing a damn thing wrong. I told her, "I'm not making any noise."
Sputtered. "W-Well it had to be coming from in here!"
There was nothing able to make whatever noise you're describing, but okay. I'll lower my 0 decibels down to...I don't think you can go lower than 0.
At the house downstate she also insisted that I was making a horrendously loud noise and to stop it/shut it off/whatever and it was the same situation. I was watching Youtube with my headphones on in complete silence otherwise. My wife wasn't making much noise either across the hall. The only one making noise and causing a racket is Egg, who is shrieking downstairs about how she's going to "go nuts" and something about a buzzing noise? She went around the first floor, went outside. There was no noise. I took my headphones off because Serena alerted me on Discord that Egg was having an Egg Moment, so I took them off and listened.
No noise. Except Egg.
She yelled up at us to stop vacuuming.
We don't own a vacuum. We're not using one.
"Well clearly it has to be coming from up there!"
"What noise are you even hearing?"
"It's like a hair dryer!"
I look at the blow dryer I use for drying things like paint for crafting projects. It lays there unplugged. There is still no noise coming from anywhere in the house.
"There is nothing up here that can even make that noise."
She makes a whiny noise and talks more about how she's going nuts. Clearly she is because she's hearing shit that no one else can.
I love how everything is always my fault. Probably to this present day everything is all my fault lmao
Like okay. lol. As your house crumbles to pieces around you because of the Brown Recluse Spider v Cockroach War that will no doubt rage on the second floor, that's probably my fault too, isn't it?
~*~
IT IS THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN.
Every December* I do my annual Gundam Wing rewatch.
(* Except last year out of respect for my mother-in-law's passing.)
This year will be different! Not only will it be the first ever Gundam Wing rewatch at our house, but it will be the first time I've watched this series post-escape from my main abuser. Considering the main theme of this series is escaping oppression and gaining independence, it's pretty appropriate!
This is also the time of year where I end up doing self-reflection, which has been hard due to the [gestures around at everything] going on in my life but Aleks and I got into a discussion this morning that involved Frozen Teardrop for whatever reason, I think it was in a worldbuilding context, because I said, "If I'd written FT, the worldbuilding would make sense and the characters would be better written."
"So Alpha would have a personality then."
"No no Alpha wouldn't exist because I figured out the most simple and easy way to 'cover that loophole' without bringing clones into things."
"You should write meta about him next."
"Sorry, Heero's the only one I would ever be able to write character meta about."
Aleks looked at me. I looked at him. He asked, "Why?"
"Put simply: Heero is the only character I can relate to on the level required for me to give a shit about doing all of this research and character exploration."
"What does that mean, exactly?"
What does that mean exactly? Anyone who's read my Heero meta knows and can see how much love I have for this character. But why? I like to say that the short answer is "trauma" and that is certainly true, but I didn't always know that either. I related to lines like "I've been lost ever since I was born" despite giggling and going, "Wow, Heero, you're a depressing sack of shit" without knowing why I related so heavily.
I discovered when writing my first psychoanalysis the why. I had to be objective as I went over the major things in Heero's life that led to Heero being, well, himself.
Heero has no idea who he is, he has no sense of what family is, his life has been one traumatic event after another... He felt that he was a nobody and a nothing and that if he suddenly stopped existing then there was no one left to care anyway so what did it matter?
Then he met a girl who ended up changing the trajectory of his life and discovered that not only is there one person out there now who would miss him if something happened to him, he found that there was a reason for him to stick around.
Heero from the beginning of the series would've just let Libra not only crush him but destroy Earth because wtf can he even do anyway when life is meaningless and we're all just floating through space until we're not anyway.
Heero in episode 49 says "fuck that shit I'm blowing up what's left of Block A and I'm gonna live despite all the odds saying I won't."
And like idk apparently he gets the girl? Maybe?
There is a reason why I had to stop multiple times when writing my two Heero zine meta pieces because I ended up in tears and I felt so fucking called out, like more called out than I've ever felt in my whole life lmao.
Me with my identity issues (I literally have DID) and family? what's family? What is there to even stick around for anyway? Who's going to care or miss me when I do nothing but fuck up anyway?
I met a girl who did change my life and who gave me a reason to stick around despite every event and trauma and everything in the world telling me otherwise and sure, at the start of everything, when I became aware of how fucking damaged I was, I did want to throw in the towel and I purposely put myself in situations that could very likely kill me and did I care? No.
But then after I met that girl suddenly I did start giving a shit about making it out alive in the end.
And I did marry the girl.
If anyone should be living vicariously through someone it should be Heero living vicariously through me.
ALEKS PROMISED ME 20some years ago that he would get me out of the situation I found myself in. I just had to promise to survive until then.
I blew up my Block A and I lived to talk about it.
And that's why Heero will always be my favourite. Because it was his strength that I borrowed until I was strong enough to stand on my own. And I will never shut up about him nor will I stop peeling back the layers of this rather large onion. And in doing so I might end up calling myself out again. Which. Oops.
BUT YES SHORT ANSWER: TRAUMA.
So much fucking trauma.
This year I might end up screaming ore ga shinanai with Heero at the end of ep 49 because you know what? I've fucking earned it. We both earned it.
I've earned and lived up to my name.
Egg always for whatever reason accused me of being "too loud". You ask anyone if I'm loud and they will laugh at you. I am only loud when I am with "safe people". Most people think I'm really quiet and soft-spoken.
WELL if you asked Egg I am loud as hell and I don't care if I'm disturbing other people I reside with because I'm selfish and ungrateful and whatever else you can use to mean those two words. (Egg also thinks I'm purposely ignoring her when I just always have headphones on, have since basically forever, and they're noise cancelling so I can't hear her whiny voice yelling for someone who doesn't exist.)
Anyway. I have no idea if I talked about this back when it happened and I can't be assed to go and look through older entries...
Back when we were at the apartment (where we had noisy neighbours), I got yelled at for making noise...except I wasn't actually making any noise. My TV was at the lowest volume possible without being muted, closed captions on; I had music on at an also low volume, uncharacteristic of me since I like my music loud, with headphones on so no one could hear anything. Sat in front of the computer. Minding my own business. The room is silent. Outside is also pretty quiet.
Suddenly Egg barges in, because she never once knocked on my bedroom door at any point in my life because narcissists don't respect anyone's privacy but their own, to yell, "Knock it off! You're being too loud and annoying do you know how late it is??? I'm trying to sleep!!!"
It was like maybe 9pm. But also, I wasn't making any noise. Just sat in my computer chair minding my own business, no sound whatsoever from me. I stared at her in confusion because I wasn't doing a damn thing wrong. I told her, "I'm not making any noise."
Sputtered. "W-Well it had to be coming from in here!"
There was nothing able to make whatever noise you're describing, but okay. I'll lower my 0 decibels down to...I don't think you can go lower than 0.
At the house downstate she also insisted that I was making a horrendously loud noise and to stop it/shut it off/whatever and it was the same situation. I was watching Youtube with my headphones on in complete silence otherwise. My wife wasn't making much noise either across the hall. The only one making noise and causing a racket is Egg, who is shrieking downstairs about how she's going to "go nuts" and something about a buzzing noise? She went around the first floor, went outside. There was no noise. I took my headphones off because Serena alerted me on Discord that Egg was having an Egg Moment, so I took them off and listened.
No noise. Except Egg.
She yelled up at us to stop vacuuming.
We don't own a vacuum. We're not using one.
"Well clearly it has to be coming from up there!"
"What noise are you even hearing?"
"It's like a hair dryer!"
I look at the blow dryer I use for drying things like paint for crafting projects. It lays there unplugged. There is still no noise coming from anywhere in the house.
"There is nothing up here that can even make that noise."
She makes a whiny noise and talks more about how she's going nuts. Clearly she is because she's hearing shit that no one else can.
I love how everything is always my fault. Probably to this present day everything is all my fault lmao
Like okay. lol. As your house crumbles to pieces around you because of the Brown Recluse Spider v Cockroach War that will no doubt rage on the second floor, that's probably my fault too, isn't it?
IT IS THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN.
Every December* I do my annual Gundam Wing rewatch.
(* Except last year out of respect for my mother-in-law's passing.)
This year will be different! Not only will it be the first ever Gundam Wing rewatch at our house, but it will be the first time I've watched this series post-escape from my main abuser. Considering the main theme of this series is escaping oppression and gaining independence, it's pretty appropriate!
This is also the time of year where I end up doing self-reflection, which has been hard due to the [gestures around at everything] going on in my life but Aleks and I got into a discussion this morning that involved Frozen Teardrop for whatever reason, I think it was in a worldbuilding context, because I said, "If I'd written FT, the worldbuilding would make sense and the characters would be better written."
"So Alpha would have a personality then."
"No no Alpha wouldn't exist because I figured out the most simple and easy way to 'cover that loophole' without bringing clones into things."
"You should write meta about him next."
"Sorry, Heero's the only one I would ever be able to write character meta about."
Aleks looked at me. I looked at him. He asked, "Why?"
"Put simply: Heero is the only character I can relate to on the level required for me to give a shit about doing all of this research and character exploration."
"What does that mean, exactly?"
What does that mean exactly? Anyone who's read my Heero meta knows and can see how much love I have for this character. But why? I like to say that the short answer is "trauma" and that is certainly true, but I didn't always know that either. I related to lines like "I've been lost ever since I was born" despite giggling and going, "Wow, Heero, you're a depressing sack of shit" without knowing why I related so heavily.
I discovered when writing my first psychoanalysis the why. I had to be objective as I went over the major things in Heero's life that led to Heero being, well, himself.
Heero has no idea who he is, he has no sense of what family is, his life has been one traumatic event after another... He felt that he was a nobody and a nothing and that if he suddenly stopped existing then there was no one left to care anyway so what did it matter?
Then he met a girl who ended up changing the trajectory of his life and discovered that not only is there one person out there now who would miss him if something happened to him, he found that there was a reason for him to stick around.
Heero from the beginning of the series would've just let Libra not only crush him but destroy Earth because wtf can he even do anyway when life is meaningless and we're all just floating through space until we're not anyway.
Heero in episode 49 says "fuck that shit I'm blowing up what's left of Block A and I'm gonna live despite all the odds saying I won't."
And like idk apparently he gets the girl? Maybe?
There is a reason why I had to stop multiple times when writing my two Heero zine meta pieces because I ended up in tears and I felt so fucking called out, like more called out than I've ever felt in my whole life lmao.
Me with my identity issues (I literally have DID) and family? what's family? What is there to even stick around for anyway? Who's going to care or miss me when I do nothing but fuck up anyway?
I met a girl who did change my life and who gave me a reason to stick around despite every event and trauma and everything in the world telling me otherwise and sure, at the start of everything, when I became aware of how fucking damaged I was, I did want to throw in the towel and I purposely put myself in situations that could very likely kill me and did I care? No.
But then after I met that girl suddenly I did start giving a shit about making it out alive in the end.
And I did marry the girl.
If anyone should be living vicariously through someone it should be Heero living vicariously through me.
ALEKS PROMISED ME 20some years ago that he would get me out of the situation I found myself in. I just had to promise to survive until then.
I blew up my Block A and I lived to talk about it.
And that's why Heero will always be my favourite. Because it was his strength that I borrowed until I was strong enough to stand on my own. And I will never shut up about him nor will I stop peeling back the layers of this rather large onion. And in doing so I might end up calling myself out again. Which. Oops.
BUT YES SHORT ANSWER: TRAUMA.
So much fucking trauma.
This year I might end up screaming ore ga shinanai with Heero at the end of ep 49 because you know what? I've fucking earned it. We both earned it.
I've earned and lived up to my name.
