do you believe you can walk on water?

I say it's #1 because they will no doubt be more. Mark my words. No really, mark it down on your calendars that this is the day, 11 April of 2024, where Confrontation #1 happened, and both H and myself called Egg out on her shit.

we literally just returned from the store and when we got inside Serena beelined upstairs. D, who had been fronting whilst doing the shop, switched out for H, because D wasn't going to deal with Egg's shit today (and I can't blame him!) and H is surprisingly calm.

"You mean Serena just abandoned you downstairs?"
She was at the top of the stairs. She didn't want to interact with Egg. Considering how Egg thought of Serena, I don't think she would've been talked to anyway lol

Egg decided she wanted to have a conversation with us:

Egg: So I made an eye doctor appointment with a new doctor. Dr Stamm is retiring and that's on...the 29th... And I would like you to come with me.
H: [deadpan] Why?
Egg: You know, for moral support! You know, I'm having problems walking, and and and—
H: [still deadpan] It's just a routine eye exam. You don't need "moral support" for that.
Egg: [dismissive] Well anyway... There's something else I want to talk to you about.
H: [still—you guessed it!—deadpan] Yeah?
Egg: I had a visit from a cop earlier.
H: [just assume he's deadpan unless I say otherwise] Yeah, I'm aware.
Egg: What was that all about?
H: You've said some concerning things while we were away. About wanting to stab the neighbours.
Egg: I never said anything like that!
H: You said, "I want to stab her to death. Stab. Her. To. Death."
Egg: Stab who to death?
H: [deadpan and matter of fact] Shannon.
Egg: But I never said anything like that!
K: [pushes H out of the front, this is my fight] yes you absolutely did, I have it on recording that I can pull if you want to hear it for yourself.

soooooo yeah this confrontation has been brewing for a month and the thunder fucking CRACKED.

I told her with my full fucking chest that I didn't appreciate her comments about my wife and how she was, in fact, allowed to say "no" to helping Egg out.
Grief absolutely does affect a person and, dare I say, changes them permanently. My wife is not the same person she was before Eileen died and she won't be. There is the pre-Eileen-dying Serena and the post-Eileen-dying Serena and the post death Serena is the one we're going to have for the remainder of time. which you'd think Egg would know since she lost her husband, her parents, and her brother. but the only way you can understand grief is by having compassion and guess what narcissists don't have? yeah, that!

I also said my wife is the best thing to ever happen to me, which is true. my wife is my best friend. she started out as some rando on a Gundam Wing Discord server started by a mutual friend and became my best friend—and I married her. I was yelling. I was halfway to full fucking Jersey Italian Screaming (I'm not Italian but New Jersey basically is so that's now Jersey culture) because of how pissed I was. The accent was coming out and everything, fuck. I fucking let her have everything that's been building up for over a month. Like I literally bodychecked H out of the front and went, "I got this."

Egg was speechless (derogatory).
H was speechless (positive).
Serena was beaming with pride!

like don't try and justify your hatred of these kids, Egg. you and most of your generation are what's wrong with this world.
don't try and justify your hatred of my wife to me all "I don't understand why she wouldn't just help me" because no one is entitled to getting help from anyone we are all born on this rock flying around the sun at millions of miles an hour helpless and we are going to die helpless and in between we all struggle, okay? no one is guaranteed help. sometimes you gotta do it yourself. take the initiative. fuck. no one is obligated to help another goddamn soul on this cursed rock. because you wanna know something?

it's not like you're gonna help anyone else.

I could literally feel the figurative chains Egg had me bound in break as I made my name so goddamn proud of me.

(Note: Egg doesn't call me by my preferred name, she uses the legal name I absolutely hate because she is ~too attached~ to it to stop using it. I've changed names and pronouns to the proper ones.)

Karu's got their obligation to that fucking woman now. But what about me? Now I'm all lonely and all by myself.

H had to HOLD ME BACK I stg because the URGE TO GO DOWN THERE and UNLEASH ALL OF MY FUCKING FURY
(or, as Domon Kasshu would put it, "all my anger and all my sorrow!")
WAS STRONG, dear reader! fucking STRONG. "that fucking woman" don't you DARE talk about my wife like that!

as sarajayechan put it when I posted about this on Plurk:

...Egg went out of her way to isolate you from one family member and keep you dependent on her, and she has the gall to cry about being lonely because you finally got tired of that shit?

YOU BET.

Egg is the person who cried about how much I've ~changed~ since Serena and I got together. And yeah, she's right, I did change! I grew a fucking backbone (or maybe it was more like I'd rediscovered my backbone). I found happiness and then somewhere along the way I ended up realising that dear Eggikins is a fucking narcissist and it explains so much. H was going through the recordings too, and he's just like, "She keeps saying, 'It would be nice to have somebody with me.' She doesn't need someone to drive her, she wants someone to hold her hand at a routine eye doctor appointment, like a child."

Egg basically wanted me to be her parent, to hold her hand and give her reassurances like, "It's okay, Eggi, honey, you'll be fine!" when she never did any of that shit for me. Like what the fuck. I am not your parent I am your adult offspring. And not only that, she's so buttchafing mad about my priorities, not obligations but priorities, changing. Serena is taking the spotlight away from her so instead of Dear Egg having my attention every five seconds I have to put things off or not do things for her because my wife needs me.

That's how marriage works, Egg. The only people more important to me than my wife...are our cats. And they're not even technically people, they're felines. But they're more compassionate than you'll ever be.

Anyway Egg thinks that because she gave us $2500 for a wedding gift that we're both obligated to cater to her ever need and whim and ??? that's not how that works. But Egg likes to attach strings to everything so when she needs to she can yank on one of the strings and reel someone in with a "favour" to ask. Don't even consider refusing! So she attached these strings to things like the aforementioned wedding gift and other things like takeout she said, at that time, was her "treat" to us, but then complained in private (that was picked up on recording) that we didn't pitch in a few bucks.

So she's fucking bugging, as we said when I was younger.

Like Egg is genuinely a danger to herself and to others. Especially others. She's threatened to stab the neighbour. She's threatened to stab their kids. She's said that if she had a gun she would shoot them. She giggled in giddiness at the prospect of one of the kids getting hit by a car. The courts would crucify her, and it is apparent she doesn't care if she ends up imprisoned.

whatever lawyer took her case would have a handful. could try an insanity plea because she's bipolar and off her meds but in order to that to work they would have to prove that Egg didn't know what she was doing was wrong, and Egg wouldn't be able to fit that criteria.

she's obsessed with the fisherman's knife. she's never getting that knife back btw, H took it and now it's gone forever.

AND THEN... there was the suicide plot that she fucking stole from my own book of suicide plans, I guess—she has no originality lmao.

( cut for discussion of that )

She was also obsessed with one of the Very Tough Middle Schoolers damaging our car, she insisted that there was a dent in the rear driver side door and...there was nothing. If there is something it's so subtle you can't notice it with the naked eye (but H even ran his fingers all over the door to see how smooth everything was, and it was as smooth as it was when it arrived from the Ford factory). So who cares.

Not to mention that like the paint and everything is covered in a special clear coat that even has a warranty on it and they even put another coating on it from the dealership we got it from (and that warranty) so liiiiiiike. bitch my car is coated in Gundanium alloy lmao.

"So, H, is there anything wrong with the car door?"
"Mm. No. It looks like it always does."
"Aaaa okay so Eggikins wa totemo KUREJI-yare da na."
"Sou."

So yeah. we'll figure out how to fuck this pig, I'm sure.

they say that the clouds should clear up some for the eclipse... I really hope that that's the case. It'll be neat either way but...this is what it looks like outside right now:


Update [4:04PM]: The clouds didn't fuck off so instead of seeing the sun, we got this:


Which imo is just as cool? like it got middle of the night dark and there were these cool streaks of pinks and oranges reflecting off the clouds and it was just really fucking awesome. And apparently only 1 in 10k people experience something like this in their lifetime, the fact that I got to have this moment at all is pretty fucking amazing.

We were in Rochester so we were in the path of totality! we came up here specifically for this event, but luckily we had things with family we were also doing, so it wasn't a waste.

(Note: This entry was written by K, D, and H using Discord messages they wrote with some input from Serena to relay events since Karu wasn't fronting for most of the day [just the start of it], plus a Plurk made later on.)

Today was...not a great day.

(That's putting it mildly!)

As written by Duo:

Got cut on something while cleaning one of the checkout stands and was rewarded with some nice gashes on our hand and finger that bled...pretty nice... (Cherie supplied us with a bandaid so it's all good) so you know this day's gonna be great. Slow as shit tho since the snow is keeping people away. Thankfully we only got a four hour shift that we probs shoulda just called out for but meh, whatever, we got paid, so *shrug*

anyway this ain't about me this is about Ru and the events of this morning.
"What events?"
well if you gimme a hot sec I can tell ya.
Ru is convinced that they are a horrible spouse and that their marriage is over and all this other shit because their ma is a fucking cunt who thinks she knows Ru's marriage better than Ru or even Serena. (Whaaaaaa?) she read the fucking riot act on Ru because they didn't go out and help Serena shovel. Serena didn't ask for help and she is far from helpless. Ru had to get ready for work and Serena didn't mind doing shit herself. she would've asked otherwise and Ru would've been out there.
walked down the stairs once we were ready and it was time to go to Ru's ma standin there all pissy faced which to be real with ya is her au naturel look which is just a nice way of me to say she's got an ugly fuckin mug for a face.

"you're a horrible spouse. you should be out there helping. you shouldn't have her do it all herself."
bitch wouldn't let anyone speak because I guess this c-u-n-tuesday just knows everything. she went on and on and on about how gruelling and difficult the snow shovelling is and wehhhh she would never be able to do it and whatever the fuck else. I told Ru to get the fuck out of here.
Ru fucking opened the door so we could walk out because they knew nothing they would say would make things better, there was no way for Ru to even defend themselves because anything is seen as an excuse by this bitch. and as if to shove rock salt into the gaping wound she just ripped open, their ma continued:
"when you get home you're going to shovel by yourself. you don't get help."

anyway I gotta head back. thankfully we leave at 1

Ru even tried to get me to tell Serena to not bother picking us up and that we would just walk homes "as punishment" and Ro immediately vetoed that

To continue where Duo left off... I managed to keep any tears at bay until I walked down the side steps of the porch and went into the yard. That's when I started to bawl because wow, that really fucking hurt? It wasn't even the first time we'd gotten scolded over something to trivial and stupid, but this was now the second time we were told, "You're an awful spouse, you're supposed to be doing x, y, and z and you're not," basically cutting down any self esteem we may have built up so doubt could creep on in. By the time I'd made it to Serena's car I was practically inconsolable.

"I'm gonna drive myself to work instead. You go back inside."
Serena looked at me in complete disbelief.
"No, you're not."
"Yes I am. I don't deserve your help."
She could barely make out what I was saying I was crying so hard. She stopped clearing her car off and told me to sit down in the car so I could warm up and relax. I didn't want to, but she insisted. I would've had to take her car anyway, considering hers was blocking mine in. She grabbed a bottle of seltzer and handed it to me, telling me to drink and relax whilst she finished cleaning off the rest of the car. Off and on I cried as Serena's Spotify playlist played softly on her car stereo. Once she was done, she sat in the driver seat and stroked my hand and asked what had happened. So I told her, and Serena was pissed.
"If I needed help with anything I would've gotten you. I don't know why this bitch thinks she can speak for me."
She kept trying to make sure I was drinking water, that I was warm and comfortable, and just kept reassuring me that I wasn't this horrible spouse and that she loved me. The thing is, if it's your own mother saying these awful things about you, they have to be right...right? Like that whole "you're an awful person" thing must be true...right?

So she drove me to work. Duo worked the shift, which was slow and boring and consisted of us doing gobacks. Cleaning registers (which is how Duo got cut pretty bad). Things like that. Just busy work, more or less. Lots of H and Duo talking to each other. That sort of thing... And then H and Serena bought lunch and went home.

Which is where H takes over:

That was a thing.

We got home, Karu went and did what little shovelling still needed to be done. (Serena helped, despite Karu not wanting her to.) Put more salt down. Apparently while we were outside, Mother went, "I guess [they're] still mad at me."

You hurled verbal abuse at them. Of course Karu is still going to be mad.

So Karu went to go upstairs and Mother comes charging over in tears.
"Are you still mad at me? Don't be mad at me."
She tried to hug Karu. Karu backed away and said, "Don't touch me."
She tried again. I came out. She tried to prevent us from getting up the stairs. Which is stupid when Karu played hockey once upon a time and I have no qualms about bodychecking someone into a fucking wall if they try to back me against a wall. Do not ever prevent Karu from getting somewhere. Karu tells you to let them go or not to touch them or to back off, you do so. Else you deal with me.

She is lucky I didn't punch her in the fucking face. I will let her know that I actually exist even though she insists that Karu can't possibly have DID because Karu "was never abused" when Karu has been abused their entire fucking life. Karu was also hungry and I wanted them to be able to get upstairs to eat and relax. We are not hugging this out like this is an after school special for a sitcom from the 90s. Things aren't "magically resolved" just because she wants them to be. She couldn't even apologize. Just, "don't be mad at me" 😭

H hasn't switched out that fast before or since then. It was incredibly disorienting, like I nearly got vertigo and he actually did because one minute I was fronting and then the next second I wasn't.

Duo — 13/02/2024 14:22
what an unhinged bitch

Serena — 13/02/2024 14:22
Yep
That's putting it lightly Duo

Duo — 13/02/2024 14:23
oh I know
there aren't word
to describe her
ain't never seen Ro switch out so fast

Karu — 13/02/2024 14:27
he kind of just shoved me out of the way towards the back as he stepped out to the front
which he's never done before

Duo — 13/02/2024 14:28
bitch owes you an apology for what happened this morning and then what happened when y'all got home

Serena — 13/02/2024 14:28
Yeah
Like when she tried again I noticed

Duo — 13/02/2024 14:29
listen, when you are told NO regardless of wording, and you keep trying, what do you expect?

Serena — 13/02/2024 14:29
Just because you birthed someone doesn't mean shit

Duo — 13/02/2024 14:29
yeah that don't mean you can touch them or hug them whenever it's convenient for you
she better not try that shit on Thursday before we leave because there might be a physical altercation

Duo — 13/02/2024 14:33
now she's back to being verbally abusive and unhinged
she tried to stop us from leaving the fucking building

Duo — 13/02/2024 14:34
I don't think she wants a fight with Ro she would lose

Serena — 13/02/2024 14:34
No
I mean if she tries to touch you, I hate to say this but you have the right to defend yourself cause you didn't know.

H — 13/02/2024 14:35
You get one warning from me. After that, if I feel I am threatened, I can do whatever I need to in order to get away.
I was ready to shove her.
You don't get out of my way and let me get where I need to be, we are going to have a problem that either ends up with you in hospital or the cops getting called and figuring shit out.
You don't call Karu a shit spouse for not helping out their wife when said wife said they didn't need to do anything, brag about it to their wife and expect to be patted on a the ass for it, and be forgiven four hours later.

Serena — 13/02/2024 14:42
Right. My literal words this morning were, "you can come help if you want to, but you don't have to."

Duo — 13/02/2024 14:44
meanwhile Ru's ma was like
"why aren't you out there helping her?"
"She said she was okay handling it herself."
"No, you should be out there shoveling with her, what's wrong with you? You're horrible. That's such a major job and you're having her do it alone? When you get home, you can do the shoveling and you can do it by yourself because you didn't help her at all."

Serena — 13/02/2024 14:46
We're all grown ass adults and she acts like a spoiled toddler and treats her grown ass adult kid like a toddler.
Firstly, your marriage sucked ass and was on its way to failure. Because both parties were kinda shit to each other. Just because you have regrets doesn't give you the right to try to run mine and my wife's marriage to the ground like you did yours.

H — 13/02/2024 14:48
She ruined her marriage.
She ruined everything.

H — 13/02/2024 19:25
I'm still pissed about everything that happened today
I told Karu to document everything.
If we need to start making audio recordings whenever we are alone with her, we will do that too
She is going to be dealing with me from now on. Or Duo.

Serena — 13/02/2024 19:35
good idea
unfortunately we're at that point

H — 13/02/2024 20:02
I know she's learned nothing from today, but if she had to learn anything, it's that I'm not to be fucked with.

Serena — 13/02/2024 21:04
Things I never thought I'd have to do... Make sure I can quickly get my phone set to record shit just in case...

So... What have we learned from all of this fuckery?

1.) do not EVER verbally abuse me and then expect things to be smoothed over four hours later
2.) do not EVER expect us to "hug it out" because I will tell you to back the fuck off
3.) if I tell you to back the fuck off then it should be obvious I don't want you to fucking touch me

I do not care if you fucking gave birth to me what rights to my body do you even have???

"don't be mad at me" with """tears"""

nah I'm gonna be fucking mad, I have every right to be mad! do not EVER try to prevent me from leaving and try to back me into a place where I can do nothing except be forcibly hugged because I will end up punching you in the fucking face like consent is a thing and no means no it is a full fucking sentence!!!!

H literally came out like fuck you. he's never switched out that fast! that happens again she can have a chat with PJPD. she'd better not let them know she's medically non-compliant with her bipolar meds because that never works out well (she'd better hope H doesn't let it slip). like just because you ruined your own goddamn marriage doesn't mean you can try to fucking ruin mine but here she is trying to do just that.

YOU WONDER WHY ALL YOUR KIDS HATE YOU AND I CAN'T POSSIBLY FATHOM WHY /s

My brother Michael texted me y'day. we spent hours talking via text. he said it was funny that I reached out when I did because around the post Xmas he had a dream about me. so he thought it was funny that he saw I'd reached out to him when I did because it was around that time. he thinks, and I agree with him, that it was Dad bringing us together again. he knew I would be okay as long as I had my brother because of how close we were so him seeing his ex wife separating the two of us was something he wasn't tolerating anymore like it's been FIVE YEARS.

Mother basically isolated the two of us from our support systems and has been gaslighting me this entire time. has he fucked up in his life? yes
has he done shitty things to me? yes
he's in therapy now and medicated and he has changed so much. but this is also how I found out he still talks to Rob regularly, because we all know how Mother is as a person and we all know the less she knows about our lives the better. but that explains why Rob doesn't come up here unless he needs to and explains why he's always said he hasn't heard anything from Michael.

we have plans for the summer to go down to see him so I can finally see his house (that he bought shortly before we moved) and he can finally meet my wife. and like here is the thing: I am friends with his girlfriend. I've been the entire time. that is literally how he's been keeping track of me.
but he doesn't really check his FB he went on there last night for something unrelated and saw that I'd messaged him. and because he no longer had my number, he then had to text Rob, who thought it weird he wanted my number.

"it's been 5 years"
yeah and I've missed having him in my life for that long. I'm just. I'm still in shock. I didn't expect this. I expected him to either ignore me or to tell me to go fuck myself because of how long it's been. he said if he ignored me then he would be proving Mother right about how much of a monster (she says) he is. he's in therapy! medicated for his depression! he showed me a recent pic of him and Laura and he looks so happy. I am just

I can't tell Mother ofc because then she would be like "why are you talking to that piece of shit"
and if I told her that he's changed and going thru therapy and everything she would tell me "how do you know that he's a liar and always has been"
because I know my brother. we did everything together when I was growing up and we relied solely on each other for so long. unlike Mother I am not going to let money mean more than my own family and I don't give a fuck about what he owes or doesn't owe. the fact that this $10k means more to her than having a relationship with her own son speaks volumes and because Rob doesn't do whatever things she thinks he should do, he's been disinherited too. I firmly believe my dad had a hand to play in all of this. like yeah Serena and I talked about me doing this, H and I talked about it too. but I felt such a STRONG PUSH to do it and the only other time I felt that feeling was when I was thinking of proposing. this very strong push in the back like "go and do that thing you really want to do". I get those nudges from my dad every once in a while as a way of telling me that I should do that thing

so yeah!

and like for all of my uncle's faults Mother could've still kept in contact with him since they were at one point close. he's dead now. she might have regrets because he died basically cut out of the family. I'm not going to have that be me. I just. I'm so giddy and relieved and happy that I'm afraid I'll have a manic episode lmao

I still have to deal with my mother's bullshit but I have the upper hand/advantage of, if she pushes me to leave, she's fucked herself.

I just find it hilarious that Rob apparently talks to Michael frequently, since he knew about Adel (my SIL's mom) and her tantrum over the broom incident and that was this past Christmas. so like. she's content thinking her second child is perpetually stuck in his 20s when he was having all sorts of issues that caused him to be a monster and that's fine because that's her problem. but my brother is 40 years old now, has been doing therapy, has been on medication, he has changed so much, and I can only imagine how much this has hurt him.

we have plans to go to his place probs in the summer for a BBQ so that'll be nice, it's been a while since I saw Laura even

Saturday after work we drove up. made it by like 1930 which wasn't bad at all tbh
we had pizza and then passed the fuck out lmao

Sunday... we met Geoff and Melissa (BIL and SIL) at Eileen's apartment. The senior living complex is so nice and her apt was so cute??? she had it decorated and everything... And she never got to enjoy it because she was in hospital more that she was ever in her apt. there wasn't much left since Melissa had been selling shit on FB Marketplace so it was just really big furniture items left. Serena went through everything pretty quick and some things were already set aside for us... like the KitchenAid mixer.

yes.

an actual KitchenAid mixer. that was never used because Eileen never got the chance. it's pink and it's heavy and I love it like this is a fucking mixer that costs a few hundos and we got it for NOTHING. CAN YOU IMAGINE all of the baking we will now do? omg. and Eileen would love it because we will then do all sorts of baking projects with it and that's what she would want. for Serena and I to bake together and use all of these things. because then it's like the three of us baking.

there were other kitchen things that we took, a lot of it was sentimental things from when she and Serena would bake together when Serena was little. we found an antique (possibly, it's def vintage) vanity set that was Great Grandmother Dimino's. it's a tray for your things like perfumes, a hairbrush, a BEAUTIFUL hand mirror, and a compact (that was missing). so obviously I took that because that is the kind of shit I live for. it's an heirloom. it's beautiful. we are gonna put it on the dresser at home!

there were cat figurines and a lot of them had missing paws or something but we took them anyway because they are antique and from Aunt Dim (Serena's great aunt) who was the quintessential cat lady who owned cat everything and always had a Siamese cat. and it's not like we're selling them so who cares, it adds character and now they're very special kitties.

we could not take "the goat chest" which is an antique steamer trunk from when the 2x-great-grandparents came from Sicily. they stashed an actual goat in it. no idea if it was dead or alive but it was an actual goat and that is why it's called the goat chest. it's actually in horrendous shape (like basically falling apart) and it won't fit in the Fiesta so we actually couldn't take it (originally we were going to). my dad had a steamer trunk from his grandfather that I think maybe Rob took? I don't remember. I would love a steamer trunk and I will probably buy one at some point (they're not cheap tho).

but yeah.

Eileen had apparently done some Christmas shopping and Geoff gave us those things because she bought them for us.

so yeah I think we took... 6 or 7 boxes maybe? it wasn't a lot compared to like. everything that was still there. but it all fit in the car.

what completely gutted me outside of the fact that Eileen never got to actually live in the apt was... in the bathroom was a cat litter pan, a thing of litter, a scoop, cat toys and treats, and food and water dishes. Eileen so desperately wanted and looked forward to having a cat. all she wanted was to live independently and have a cat and she couldn't have any of that. it's like she was punished for wanting that, for trying to have that.

so when we left it was a very heavy feeling because we shouldn't have had any of the things we had in the car, in the car. because these should've been enjoyed by Eileen.

so after that we went over to Geoff's because there was a small gathering and we were gonna go through pictures to find things for the memorial board Marin (my niece-in-law) wanted to put together. Geoff also said if we found pics we liked we were free to take them. which is what we did! which is how we found the picture frame with the pic of Serena and Mike. behind the pic of Serena and I that we used for our engagement photo. so I did what Serena told me I could do when/if we found that photo, and now it's just Serena and a random disembodied arm lmao. (I'll crop it properly when we're home because I have a paper trimmer I can use)

So yeah. we have a fuckton of photos now. I need to get an actual photo album (like a nice one) so I can put them away and not have them ruined. I would also like to frame some of them and have them decorating the hall

finally got to meet Kathy's other son Michael and his son Zach (they lived in Colorado and then Nevada before moving down to Maryland). we also got to meet Geoff and Melissa's cats Zoe (said as zoh, not zohee) who is this gorgeous tortie tabby. and Link, a chonky ginger boy who def has the Triforce of Courage (because yes, that is where the name comes from)

it should be stated that I married into a legit cat family like. Dad and Sherri have two boys (Razzy and Squeakers who are father-son-uncle-brother cats)(yes really)(Razzy is the product of incest and Squeakers is as well because Razzy did the do with his sister-mom)

Christina has a cat, Julie has a cat (at least one), Kathy has two (Buddy and Chester), Grandma has one (Diva), Mike has four (Seven of Nine, Jean Luc, and Data, I forget the fourth one's name but it's another Trek red) (plus two dogs)

Zach has one (Bob), Andy has two... You get the picture. (Serena and I have Sadie and Saru)

there's a lot of cats they're a big deal lmao and I come from a cat family too (my aunt when I was growing up had cats and my great-aunt did as well)

SO. there was pizza and buffalo wings and they were really good and they were from Wegmans and I had no idea Wegmans had things like this??????

anyway the food was good

I ended up having major sensory overload towards the end of the night but I still had a good time and it was nice to finally meet Michael! this retired Marine I've heard so many awesome things about but couldn't meet because he lived on the other side of the country! now he's in Baltimore! he can come to things!

we came back to Dad and Sherri's and reheated some lasagna that Sherri made (it was one of the Stouffer's ones so she didn't make it from scratch like she usually does)

SO THEN MONDAY rolls around, which was the burial. Eileen wanted her ashes to be mixed with Harley's (her favourite dog) and Rusty's (her favourite cat). No one could find Rusty's ashes but everyone was pretty sure Harley's and Rusty's got mixed together (Eileen talked about wanting to do that) so Geoff put them in there along with the memorial paw print for Harley and his fave chew toy.

Grandma wanted the reverend of her church to speak at the funeral and because it would make her happy Geoff and Serena said yes. she was the same minister who married Geoff and Melissa. the service was very nice. I've always loved Protestant funerals because they are short, sweet, and concise. no longer than 30 minutes.

this had the typical story about Martha and Lazarus and it also had a recitation of Psalm 23 which I haven't heard at a funeral but it's actually p typical and I am familiar with both but I didn't recite anything because not my religion and like, it did feel awkward because literally my wife's family are very Methodist lmao but it was fine

I got to finally meet Laura (Sadie's previous owner and my BIL's ex wife) who I've been friends with on FB for. like. ever at this point? so that was nice. like it's unfortunate that we all had to meet each other under these circumstances but they say that two things are able to bring everyone together: weddings and funerals.

so after the ground had been blessed Geoff placed the box with her ashes in and Harley's paw print and Serena put in the chew toy. Mona put the flowers on the rock where her plaque was going to be inserted. this should've been reversed where Eileen was putting flowers on her mother's grave, not the other way around. you should never outlive your own children.

so then we went back to Grandma's for the repass. Geoff ordered food from Rubino's which was Eileen's fave place and the food was really good. Sherri made brownies and there were three left over at the end of the night that Serena and I ate on the way back lmao

Geoff had us come downstairs to the basement where Eileen was before her apt to go through her things. the priority for us was books. a lot of them were Serena's great-aunt's and I love old vintage books. there were also a bunch of cookbooks we wanted to go through too as well as different knickknacks.

so we went thru the books and Kathy's husband who no one likes (idk if Kathy even likes him) came down and was going over how he wanted to look at this thing and that thing and "these all go for a lot of money" and just. talked about the $$$ as if he was at a fucking antique store or something
and he made the most insensitive comment

Melissa had come down to get away from everyone upstairs (like Serena and I, Mel is very introverted) so she is my witness. Mark (why are all assholes named this) said something like "it's not like this stuff means anything anymore, it's not like it's owned by anyone, Eileen is gone and has no use for this stuff" and Mel and I looked at each other and mouthed what the fuck.

first of all, it is owned by someone: Geoff and Serena. because it's Eileen's estate and the beneficiaries of it are her two kids.

second of all: it does mean something to someone, or else Geoff and Serena and Melissa and I wouldn't be going through things.

we were boxing up books that we were going to take and he kept going through them and talking about how these books have value, "I'm an expert" (he says he's an expert in everything; he's not).
I'll take pics when I can of the books I took that were Aunt Dim's but the condition alone for most of them would make them virtually worthless in terms of monetary value. like there are no first editions of things, nothing. just old books that were well loved by a cat lady we all adore.

but also get your fucking hands off these books they are my wife's and mine and I am only going thru things because I have my wife's permission. she is one of the beneficiaries. we took most of the cookbooks and a decent chunk of Aunt Dim's and if there is something valuable in those boxes even better because it means Mark can't make money off of it. it is in my hands going on my bookshelves where I will fucking enjoy them and that? that is fucking priceless. you can't put a price on heirlooms.

we took more of Aunt Dim's figurines that are probably worth something as well as this really nice music box that is also probably worth something and it's not going to be sold by that asshole. also
we found the compact that goes with the vanity set. AND I found antique cosmetic mirrors and compacts (that are also a set) that we also took and they're so fucking pretty. so pretty.

so yeah. because I don't trust the asshole I was determined to make the five boxes of stuff (mostly books) fit in Serena's car and they fit perfectly with room to spare so like. fuck yes.

I didn't want him taking shit out of the boxes
he won't get any of this shit
but like who says something like that
why would you say something like that when the deceased's family is right fucking there
all he sees is dollar signs
disgusting

but Mel was also saying she had to tell him to fuck off because he kept calling Geoff like every day asking about this thing or that thing or some other things (if there was value to these things) and she took the phone and said "you need to stop calling, this is ridiculous"

"karu why didn't you say something" because I would've punched him in his goddamn asshole face after calling him a douchebag so like

yeah

if it happens again I will make a comment because what the fuck

I know this is just gonna go out into the void but I needed to put it somewhere.

today I came back from taking my mother to the doctor, went to make a cuppa because it's cold and I wanted some tea and my wife turned around in her chair and told me

"so, update: she only has hours to live."

I don't know what I have and haven't discussed on here about my MIL but it doesn't matter because it all culminated into the fact that she is dying.

none of the treatments are really working—

or they work for a bit and then stop being effective—

or the treatment will just make things a lot worse and not better—

I think you get the gist.

and we live five hours away so even if they waited to stop treatment until we got there, there was no guarantee that she would be alive long enough even with all these fancy medical treatments and machines keeping her alive for us to see her one last time. so my wife told them to stop treatment after her brother arrived. Which I'm guessing they did. And they would begin making sure that she was as comfortable as she could be.

her brother was nice enough to call once he was there (he brought his wife too) so that she could talk to her. that she loves her and will miss her and her weekly (or so it seemed like it was weekly) phone calls and I felt like the most useless spouse in the world because I could do nothing except stand there rubbing her shoulder. at one point I brought one of the cats over because cats are So Good at being just Comfort in a fur covered friend shape. You know? I stood there eating a fucking Hot Pocket (because I was hungry, it was lunch time) contemplating what the fuck one does in a situation like this because you know what?

I've lost a parent before. Not like this—my dad's death was very quick and very sudden—but I still have the vaguest of memories of standing there in the hospital room with him on the bed and just. the surrealness of the situation. surely this wasn't actually happening. surely there was a mistake, surely—

it's the same thing in this situation except it's not my parent—it's my wife's. There is no sense of "unfinished business" or anything like that. For me it's more, "I want her to be at peace and have an easy transition to the next journey of her life." But I know what it's like to be in my wife's shoes. To lose a parent fucking sucks and my dad, for example, has been gone 21 years, and it still fucking sucks. Every birthday, every holiday, every event, it all fucking sucks because he isn't there for it and it always sucks even more when it's near holidays because then the first holiday without them is like. a month or a week or two days after. (My dad died in October. Thanksgiving and Christmas were the worst and still continue to be the worst.)

I still feel like a shit spouse because I don't know what to do or what to say. I brought the cat over, I rubbed her shoulders, I gave her kisses on her head, I gave her distraction when she wanted it. Everyone tells me I'm doing everything right. That that's all I can do.

I feel like I could do more but what can I do that I'm not already doing? When she's hurting I would do anything to make that hurt go away and get rid of whatever is causing it. And maybe that's what bothers me the most—I don't have any control over this situation. All I can do is be there with her and for her, give her comfort when she wants it, distraction when she needs it, and help her forge a new "normal".

That new normal fucking sucks and I can tell you that for a fact. It never stops hurting. Sure the intensity of the pain decreases over time, but it still hurts. It goes from feeling like your soul has been forcibly ripped from your body to a dull but persistent ache that you can ignore for the most part but certain things make it feel so overwhelmingly sharp that it takes your breath away.

So yeah.

I am not religious but I've had literally every goddamn Christian coworker of mine praying for my MIL since September when this was all starting. Everyone has been rooting so hard for a complete recovery and restoration to life. And my Pagan ass has been asking Eir for whatever healing she can muster... It's just not enough.

There is nothing I can do to fix this. This isn't a problem to be solved. I'm not great at dealing with my emotions and my emotions during this time are very confusing to me. I just...I don't know what is going to happen over the next 24 hours, and really no one does no matter what's going on because no one can see the future.

I hate this feeling, this feeling of helplessness because outside of what I'm already doing, I will still feel like I could do something else and what more can I do? Nothing.

Serena and I are trying to figure out logistics to get upstate hopefully Tuesday? if I have to call out of work Thursday I will...call out of work Thursday and even Friday because this is literally a family emergency. like. her surgical wound isn't really healing, she's in a fuckton of pain that meds apparently aren't working on, she has some kind of infection and circulation in her left leg is so shite that she'll "more than likely need that one amputated" (doctor's words) so she would end up becoming a double amputee

oh and on top of all of this and her failing mental health, she has COVID again for the FOURTH TIME

things have gone from bad to worse. the doctor also said that things are at the "life threatening" stage. like she could very well die from all of this so. yeah. that is...that is the state of things.
all of this happened in...less than a month.