when you have to ask if a suicide attempt is real or fake, it's fake

[omaewokorosu]

This is an entry mostly written by Aleks but is also unique in that it offers Karu's thoughts about things as well at the end. Aleks was the one who fronted the most during everything, but Karu was co-con. Consider this a "collaborative effort". Also Aleks wrote this entry after everything had occurred.

Which, when you think about it, is really, really bad. Who the hell ever has to ask themself the question, Is this a genuine suicide attempt/cry for help, or is this some kind of attempt at manipulation that failed miserably? And then of course that leads you down a completely different rabbit hole, where you question if all of her suicide attempts were real or fake.

Which is what I found myself asking. Always a bad sign.

This entry discusses a suicide attempt used for manipulation purposes (because Egg is the "if you don't do this I'll just kill myself" type of manipulator and this isn't the first or even third time she's done something like this for attention). Nonetheless, reader discretion is advised.

We didn't work today, which is unusual since it's a Saturday. Having a weekend off unplanned in retail is a rare occurrence, but it's nice and I won't complain about it. (Karu's hours at work were cut, as they typically are once Christmas and New Years are over.) So we spent it with Serena, who works a M-F job. Things were fine...until nightfall came, and it was time for Egg to go to bed. Instead of Egg going to bed, she decided to grab a knife from the kitchen to try and end her life with. Despite how "hard" she tried, the cuts weren't even superficial, didn't bleed much, and barely caused her pain (according to her). Instead of realizing that she was in true emotional distress and in need of serious help, and that she should call 911 or some kind of hotline for assistance...she shouted up the stairs for Karu.

"I tried to kill myself!" with a bunch of very obvious fake crying. "Please, I need your help!"
Karu had a panic attack and I ended up taking the front with very little resistence, though it was difficult because Karu more or less passed out. Serena and I were discussing how to handle this as Egg kept hollering about how she needed our help in a "hey let's get this show on the road already" fashion, like she's tired of not having everyone's attention. We opted to not call 911 (a decision we all ended up regretting later) and instead see what was going on.

As the bottom of the stairs was Egg, standing there like she was waiting impatiently for us to come down. She clearly wasn't bleeding heavily and outside of some very superficial injuries, there was nothing else that struck as alarming (except her behavior). If anything she looked annoyed that we weren't frantic and trying to console her.

As I mentioned, this isn't the first time she's pulled something like this. She does it whenever she knows she's not getting her way. She was never in any true danger, and because of her pulling stunts like this, the day she does actually try to harm herself, no one will believe her, because she's created a "boy who cried wolf" situation. What happened to him? He got eaten by a wolf, because no one believed him after he made too many false alarms.

Once we were there, the tears stopped immediately. She explained what she did and with what I can only describe as "giddy excitement", asked if we would like to see all of the marks she made, if we wanted to see the knife that we used, and if we wanted to see all of the blood that there was (of which there wasn't more than a minor nosebleed's worth). She almost insisted we see it; we declined. Her behavior didn't make sense compared to the severity of the situation.

"So what should we do?" I asked Serena. "Should we call 911 and let them handle it?"
Egg suddenly became very alarmed at the prospect of that, and not for the reasons one would expect in this situation. No one likes calling 911 for something like this because it means police get involved, and no one wants the police involved with anything because ACAB. But we weren't sure we had a choice. (That being said, our local police are trained in crisis intervention, especially for mental health. Not that that means something bad won't happen, but that's a step above where most police are at.)
"What will happen if you call...?"
"Since you yourself said you just tried to attempt suicide, they would take you to the nearest hospital, possibly under a 5150. You'd be held on a 72 hour watch and have a psych eval done to determine what's going on and where you're at."
She made a face. "Does that mean I'd have to see a psych once I was out?"
I shrugged. "Probably."
She stress sighed. "Oh I don't wanna go through all that bullshit again, to start with all that again." She then mentioned that she'd attempted four times recently before this, but nothing came of anything. Whether that's true or not, I don't know, because she didn't mention it until then.
I asked if she wanted us to call for help. She waffled back and forth on it. Honestly, we should've just called 911 anyway and let them handle it. One of the last things I mentioned to her was, "If you end up in this kind of distress again, I won't hesitate to call 911, no questions asked."
Egg paid no mind to that. She probably thought I was bluffing.

The thing about me is...I don't bluff.
If I say I'm going to call 911 next time, I am going to call 911 next time.
If I say we're moving out of here, we're moving out of here.
If I say we're purchasing a house and we're getting the fuck out of here and you'll never hear from us again—you get the point.
I don't make empty threats.

She decided she didn't want our help after all since I was completely serious. I am always serious when it comes to suicide attempts, because Karu has made more than I can accurately count over the 20+ years I've been active as an alter. I've gotten help of some kind involved every single time. Using this for manipulative purposes absolutely disgusts me. She mentioned that she didn't want to miss her mammogram appointment on Monday (this was Saturday), so she definitely wouldn't be able to go to hospital for some kind of psychiatric exam. Which is the last thing on someone's mind when they're suicidal; it's not even on the radar. Her rebuffing our attempts to help made it very clear there was nothing further we could do for her. I reiterated that if this or something similar happens again, I won't hesitate to make a phone call. Once again, Egg didn't take me seriously.

(This would bite her eventually.)

Things calmed down. Serena and I decided we could return upstairs...which is when Hurricane Egg made landfall.
I was upstairs at this point, though still in the hallway; Serena was sitting towards the top of the stairs talking with Egg for a bit. Egg was going on about the eye doctor and wondering when that was going to happen. (Which is what actual suicidal people are concerned with, their doctor appointment.) Serena finally just came out and told her, "I don't think I'm going to be able to take you. There is too much going on in my life right now for me to be able to do that."

If you're anyone else, you'll accept that and say, "Okay, I understand. I'll figure out other arrangements. Thanks though."

If you're Egg, you won't accept that, you'll ask why, you will demand explanations, you will attempt to guilt trip, and you will pitch a fit that would embarrass a two year old. She began begging and pleading like this was life or death. "I need your help."

"I'm sorry, I don't think I'll be able to help you."
I chimed in with, "You could take a taxi." (She later mis-attributes this to Serena, but it was me who said it.)
"But that's gonna cost a lot of money!"
So will paying for Serena's lost wages for the time she'll need to take you somewhere.
Serena took her somewhere once for something and because of that, Egg assumed that every time after Serena will be more than willing to take her places without any fuss. (Like how Karu offered to do her grocery shop once and instead of Egg taking things back over, she...had Karu continue to do it, without Karu being able to object. "If you don't continue doing this for me, you'll get cut out of the Will" more or less. You do something nice for her once and she will never do it herself ever again, because she feels she's entitled to being waited on hand and foot.)

Serena said, "I'm sorry, I don't think I can take you to your doctor's appointment. You'll have to figure out something else for yourself."
Egg asked her for advice. Serena said that there are eye specialists in Milford, maybe she should call her insurance company to see who is covered, things like that. When she was done playing some sort of life advisor, she got up from the steps and joined me upstairs, where I was answering TikTok comments.

This is the text conversation Serena and I were having in Discord while she was explaining to Egg the 13 Reasons Why I Can't Help You:
Serena — 02/03/2024 20:45
Even IF she gets fucking help, there's no way we're staying here for years.
Guessing you're texting Mike?
Also still not taking her to appts.
Omfg... Since when am I the voice of fucking reason

Aleksey — 02/03/2024 20:47
No, I was answering TikTok comments

Serena — 02/03/2024 20:47
Ah ok.

Aleksey — 02/03/2024 20:47
I don't understand this whole back and forth

Serena — 02/03/2024 20:47
Neither do 9

Aleksey — 02/03/2024 20:47
Do you want help? Yes or no.

Serena— 02/03/2024 20:48
And why ask my opinion?

Aleksey — 02/03/2024 20:51
"I don't know why people are bothering me." Because of how you talk to these kids.
But I can't say that.
Although we're already the shit child so...
There is an opthalmologist not far from Dr [PCP] that we gave the information for but she gave some BS reason why she couldn't go there

Serena — 02/03/2024 21:03
She is literally fucking guilting me
No
I'm not doing it

Serena — 02/03/2024 21:57
I hate this
I'm fucking kicking myself that I didn't fucking call
Or feeling like I should have
I don't want to be fucking guilted into doing anything. I wish we werent still hereM
*

On the 5th, we had this conversation:
Serena — 05/03/2024 11:22
I don't bother cause when I have to call 911 again, I'm using my phone

Aleksey — 05/03/2024 11:22
I guessed at the second set of three.

Serena — 05/03/2024 11:23
It's fucking sad AF when I'm saying "when" instead of "if" cause I wouldn't put it past her. Ugh

Aleksey — 05/03/2024 11:23
I wouldn't either
But then again she also realized that her tactic didn't achieve what she wanted, so maybe not.
Unless it's genuine.

Serena — 05/03/2024 11:25
Who knows. I'm not gonna plan on sitting around waiting for years for something. I'm not putting Karu through her normal bs until she dies

Aleksey — 05/03/2024 11:26
I just can't believe she still holds on to the delusion that Karu is going to give up everything to be her caretaker at some point.
Especially when Karu has told her point blank that she's going to end up in a facility at that point.
No ifs, ands or buts

Serena — 05/03/2024 11:28
Because she's had control over Karu before and thinks that we need to stay with her because we can't afford it.
I dunno
She thinks that we'll give in.
No

Aleksey — 05/03/2024 11:29
I would sooner drop her on Rob's doorstep and ding dong ditch.
Than have Karu give up everything they've worked for.

Serena — 05/03/2024 11:30
Just because my mom died and I have issues and am still dealing with it, doesn't mean I'm gonna just give into her because I miss my mom.
No, that's what I'd do for Sherri. Not my mil

Aleksey — 05/03/2024 11:30
In reality I know Karu would end up attempting suicide if given no other choice.

Serena — 05/03/2024 11:30
Right. I'm not gonna let Karu deal with that

Serena — 05/03/2024 11:30
Aaannnd this is why we're not gonna be here before that shit happens

Aleksey — 05/03/2024 11:30
You being here gives Karu a choice and if they are in a place where they can't make decisions, as his wife you can make them for Karu

Serena — 05/03/2024 11:30
Yes
Karu can speak up cause what do they have to lose?
Nothing
We have my family and we have the ability to go and get out

Aleksey — 05/03/2024 11:32
When you think about it the choice for Karu in that situation would be "complete misery until Egg dies and then be resentful for the rest of their life over not having much time left to do anything" and "death"
You give them the third option

Serena — 05/03/2024 11:32
Yeah, leave before anything happens

Aleksey — 05/03/2024 11:33
Karu has no love for her.
None.
Not as a mother, because she wasn't one, and certainly not as a person

Serena — 05/03/2024 11:34
Right

Aleksey — 05/03/2024 11:34
And Karu's father did not raise a child to be used for someone else's use.

Serena — 05/03/2024 11:35
No
2 of them got out. 1 left who will get out

Aleksey — 05/03/2024 11:35
Yes.
Something happens to Egg or Karu makes an attempt. Those will likely be the catalyst.
And if it does come down to that, I will make sure it's only an attempt.

Serena — 05/03/2024 11:37
Yeah because this "peace" you know damn well is only temporary

Aleksey — 05/03/2024 11:38
After every peace comes a revolution that leads to war breaking out.

Serena — 05/03/2024 11:39
Karu speaking up more often is that revolution

Aleksey — 05/03/2024 11:39
I want Karu to become the personification of confrontation.
I know they can. They're from NJ. You can't be timid.
And Karu always had a way out of here, even before you, but it would lead to us no longer being here. But at least we'd be free.
Karu has another way out that doesn't involve ending their life.

Serena — 05/03/2024 11:41
I get pushed enough I'm not someone you want to piss off

Karu — 05/03/2024 11:42
the most powerful and devastating storms are the ones that turn the skies from sunny, clear, and blue to pitch black. where the skies are sliced open by lightning and turn an innocent breeze into a cyclone that destroys everything.
you don't see it coming until it's already upon you and next thing everyone and everything around you is destroyed and dead. or dying.

Aleksey — 05/03/2024 11:46
...Forget personify confrontation. Become the bodily equivalent of Operation M.

Serena — 05/03/2024 11:46
Fitting

Karu — 05/03/2024 11:47
I am the habitat that is slowly losing its orbit.
you don't know when I'm gonna fall. you won't have an inkling something is wrong until I'm way off course. By then there's no way to course correct.
I am going to land and when I do it's going to be a catastrophic explosion that completely decimates the world.

Aleksey — 05/03/2024 11:48
And you tell me all the time you can't write.
What you wrote is poetry.

Of course this is only the beginning of things, but this is really where everything started.

*

What a weird fucking day in a life that is becoming stranger and stranger. Like I've completely lost control of everything, yet regained it in a sense. idk.

Serena and I are amping up our search for new housing and looking at different areas we could move to...because it is becoming more and more likely we may have to completely abandon our current living arrangement. Why? Because my egg donor is fucking nuts. we had to almost call the fucking cops on her, who (by the way) refuses to go back to seeing a psychiatrist and getting her meds for her bipolar disorder sorted. and H made it very clear that, should we end up in a similar situation again, she will be removed from the house, and she will not be allowed back until WE HAVE PROOF that she is mentally cleared. so seeks out psychiatric help on an outpatient basis, stays on meds, etc. any REFUSAL TO DO SO means we are fucking out of here.

The places we're looking at right now are Cortland and Ithaca areas but places like the Elmira-Corning area are on our list as well. I like to keep our options open, means more to see. But def want to be upstate soooo Central NY/Finger Lakes/Southern Tier. And that's mostly because it puts us closer to her family and also very nice, scenic areas to live in, which is nice.

my brother ftr said I should've called the cops in this situation, but we (obviously) didn't and when I asked H why he didn't call he was like, "The situation resolved itself and I didn't believe her to be of any danger to herself." Which is a bold assertation but H is the so-called "expert" so I will defer to him just this once I guess.

suffice it to say my egg donor is a raging goddamn narcissist who pulls tricks from the fucking handbook on how to be one. she once said that if she ends up blind, she expects me to give up everything to care for her, and H laughed (which isn't so much a laugh as it is a really condescending chuckle) and fucking said "no." NEVER MIND I have told her that the moment she can't live independently she is going to end up in a facility of some kind and that I wasn't the type to promise her things like "yeah you'll remain in this house and die here because I will take care of you!" because honestly, I don't see myself being in this house much longer anyway, so I don't really care. she can do whatever. I won't be involved. I'm tempted to even ask her like, "what're you gonna do, throw me away like you did the rest of your kids? oh noooo."

like we're not fucking around anymore. her latest manipulation tactic? I'm not going to go into all the nitty gritty details but SUFFICE IT TO SAY H is fucking pissed because honestly it takes, you know, a really fucked up person, like fucked in the head, to use suicide as a guilt tripping manipulation tactic, this kind of bait-and-switch thing to try to regain control of me. like what the absolute fuck. as someone who has attempted suicide many times, so many I've lost count, I am genuinely disgusted by her. also because we don't know what knife she used, all of the knives in the knife block are sus and I don't know how comfortable I feel using them tbh.

and you wanna know what pisses me off even more? today, one day after her """attempt""" she's acting like not a goddamn thing happened.
you wanna know what else else? H outright scares her. my wife loves him tho so SHRUG guess he's just gonna keep appearing whether she likes it or not I guess. But the other thing is, he's just, you know, doing his job.

boy I can't wait until next month when I get to tell my in-laws about the shitshow that is my homelife

you don't wanna help yourself that's fine but you're not taking me down with you that's just not happening. the thought of being my egg donor's caretaker just makes me not only want to vomit but it also makes me want to jump off the fucking bridge nearby and I am not exaggerating.

I am just. Disgusted.