I hate scaring Karu and Serena but I must admit I get a kick out of scaring Egg...

Yesterday when we got home (with Egg's groceries that I paid enough mind to so that her eggs didn't break), staring at us from the little "inbox" we have for our mail to get sorted into was an envelope from Charles Schwab.

The check was here.

I couldn't give anything away as I plonked Egg's groceries down on the kitchen table, because if she knew then she would make conversation, and I don't want her to make any conversation with me unless absolutely necessary.

(It's never necessary.)

As soon as I was able to get away, I absconded upstairs with the check. I said nothing as I entered the bedroom; I simply held the envelope up so Serena could see it.
"Oh my god, is that...?!"
I handed it over to her. She tore the envelope open and pulled the note out. Attached via perforation was the check for Too Much Money...but enough of course for us to close on the house.
Once the check's been deposited and the funds are available, that is. M&T will have to verify that yes, these are the correct amount of funds, they were legally obtained, and they don't require any kind of "gift letter".

Once they've done that... We should be able to schedule closing. That is the final step: initiating closing, which they're already in the process of drafting up a bunch of paperwork for.

Last night we went to the bank after closing (we had to wait for Egg to go to bed so we didn't have to answer her banal questions). She deposited the check into her account. It was such a surreal moment.

I've promised Karu for years that I would get them out of this situation. That I would get them away from this...contemptible vermin. I don't see Egg as human, she lacks all of the attributes that most of humanity possesses. She is a narcissist which means she lacks empathy and has zero sense of compassion.

There are many things I could say about Egg and they all cite either entries Karu's made here as far back as 2005 or transcripts of audio we've recorded as my source for my ire. She doesn't care about Karu and the only times she ever has is because she can somehow benefit. It's only for monetary reasons and Egg is about to lose her main source of income.

"You have to grow up sometime," to quote Clyde Cash. At the age of 70 Egg will have to be an adult for the first time ever. She will have to do things herself, like get her own groceries. She tried to ensure Karu couldn't function as an adult but I thwarted her at every single step and turn. I will continue to do so until we are out of here.

I want Karu to stop surviving and instead thrive.

And they will. All of the elements are there for them to flourish. It's just getting them out of here.

Once we're out of here we can work on Karu being able to heal. To dismantle and unlearn all of the bullshit Egg's filled their head with...and replace it with good things. Useful things. That they're not a burden on anyone. That they're allowed to have feelings and thoughts of their own. That they are allowed to be a separate person from Egg.

Any normal parent would want their child to grow up and become self sufficient. To leave the proverbial nest, spread their wings, and soar far away. Why is Karu the only one disallowed from doing so when Rob and Michael were allowed to do so?

Because Rob is the "golden child" and Michael is the discarded scapegoat.

Well I don't care what Egg does or doesn't "allow", because Karu is leaving whether she likes it or not. She can deal with me if she doesn't like it, and I'm not someone you fuck with.

Egg's gonna end up finding that out, I'm sure.

I can be a pretty easy-going guy, but when it comes to Karu I am admittedly very protective. You could say it's part of my job.

No names, no numbers, no addresses. Forget I was here, forget we exist. You deny and invalidate all of Karu's diagnosed medical conditions anyway, one might ask why I would waste my time with someone like Egg.

Better me than Karu. She's not getting anything further from Karu. Egg already doesn't like me - whenever I'm out fronting, she says nothing and purposely ignores us (which is fine). When Duo is fronting she's more apt to talk.

I think she's afraid of me.

(She should be.)

Serena can tell whenever I'm fronting because she can sense an aura of intimidation that I've heard is "borderline scary feeling".

Maybe Egg can sense the same, even though she's insisted for years I don't exist and Karu's just making me up. Karu can't be anywhere near the level of intimidation I command.

if my past selves and current self could be in a room together...

(In reference to a post from 2006 where past!Karu boasted about wanting to write character meta about Heero and Marth...)

2006!Karu: I'm gonna do a character write up of Heero!
2012!Karu: I'm sorry what
2013!Karu: god I wanna do that too, 2006!me, but...I don't think any of us know Heero well enough to tackle that kind of thing. Like we would have to do a lot of psychology research, not to mention figure out Heero as a character...
2006!Karu: No no no I'm sure I could handle it np!
2013!Karu: Um. if I don't think I can what makes you think *you* can when you're younger than me
2012!Karu: maybe one of our other selves knows what they're doing, 2006!Karu.
2006!Karu: pffft what do you think one of them's an expert or something??
2020!Karu: hold my seltzer *publishes The Psychology of the Boy Who Killed Adolescence*
2013!Karu: omg did you really just...post a psychoanalysis of Heero?!
2020!Karu: literally the best thing I've ever written on Heero, nothing can top it!
2023!Karu: hold my fucking mountain dew *posts Rebuilding the Boy Who Killed Adolescence*
2013!Karu: *cries tears of happiness* this could've been something I wrote if I knew the things that I obviously learned later!
2006!Karu: oh my god I feel so called out by everything in these.
2024!Karu: I'm sure we all do tbh
2006!Karu: I bet I could've done this and been just fine!
2024!Karu: I wouldn't trust you to write meta on Marth you think I'd trust you to write meta on Heero?! A character who is a lot more complex???
2006!Karu: yeaaaaah?
2012!Karu: you're a fucking idiot.
2006!Karu: I bet you think you're an expert!
2020!Karu: no that would be me
2023!Karu: no actually that's *me*
2024!Karu: no actually you're both wrong that's *me*.

this is how I imagine it would be like if I was able to gather up all incarnations of myself into a meeting room kind of thing.

it's all black magic mixed with bad habits

Does your wife Serena read your fics?
for the most part she doesn't read the things I write and tbh I am okay with that because tbh the thought of her reading my fics or meta makes me feel weird but that's probs because of a thing called Childhood Trauma...

when I was younger, any time I had friends read my shit as a kid they would make fun of it or just...say that it was stupid/they didn't like it/why tf would I write this/etc they just didn't get it they didn't get my interests or why I was the way I was. why I was so enmeshed in geeky things like anime and manga and video games. space. scifi.

my dad was a Trekkie like c'mon what more do you want from me

I DIDN'T ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY about Serena reading my fics/meta/whatever! Considering how we met (on a Discord server dedicated to Gundam Wing) and the things we'd discuss (Heero, fanfiction worldbuilding, etc) like. She would be the perfect person to talk these things over with! To get to read my fics!

But then we got married. My online fandom life crossed over into my offline "normie" life where all of my geeky shit was more or less hidden in spaces that I only occupied. because that's what was expected of me. I could like whatever I wanted so long as I wasn't loud about it. and by "loud" I mean I didn't mention it at all and didn't show any of it. to anyone. I didn't have IRL people really to share my interests with and I certainly didn't have IRL people actively in fandom with me.

people thought I was weird for being involved in fandom, in fact. because fandom at that point was frowned upon, and you were considered some NEET loser.

so it was a strictly online only thing, a "hidden in the back of my closet" kind of thing, a "posters that cover the walls of a bedroom no one but me comes into anyway" kind of thing.

even now despite the fact that my wife and I are both involved in some way with GW fandom and we swap fic ideas and shit with each other...after like two minutes I go quiet because that little voice in my head is like

"you've bored her long enough don't you think?"
"no one cares about Heero as much as you do, you can stop talking now"

like no one in my family gave a fuck about my interests, they hated when I would go on about them
(the exception was my dad, who loved talking animanga with me!)

When it comes to "geeky things" Serena and I are more likely to talk about Zelda tbh

Here I am, I'm living the ultimate fandom dream and at the same time I am not

because I just can't shake the feeling that I am secretly being judged by what I write (even though I know I'm probably not being judged). like. no one growing up understood my hyperfixations and special interests because they weren't neurodivergent or they weren't the same kind of neurospicy I am so there was this disconnect. everyone just kind of wrote them off as something stupid and made me think no one gave a shit and that my friends couldn't care less so I didn't really...discuss these things with IRL people even though my two best friends were also into anime and video games

like it was my IRL BFF got me into GW
did I geek out with Daniel about GW? no! I did not!
why not?
because "none of your IRL friends give a shit"

so I kept it to online spaces... and tbh I...still do.

all of my fandom stuff is for the most part in my office. and like. we're going to have a house soon right? a house where I can have all of my fandom stuff out in the open. like in the living room for instance. part of me is really excited for that! the other part is absolutely fucking terrified and like "why would you do that, why would you out us like that? what if we end up judged for our gunplay or our plushies or figures??"

because having that stuff out in the open was heavily frowned upon! it was to be kept hidden in my room or something. out of sight - like my sexuality! because I can have the proverbial "closet door" open but God forbid I actually step out of the closet and celebrate the fact that I'm queer.

It all goes back to Egg, my failure of a parental unit. I guess because Egg had no interests (still doesn't) no one else was allowed to either and if you did that was frowned upon and weird. idk.

I know for the record that there is nothing shameful about any of my interests or my fandom involvement but it's really hard to shake that initial skincrawl feeling at the thought of my gunpla being on display to literally everyone who comes into the living room for example

like my brother-in-law Fernando has all sorts of geeky shit just out there in plain sight: game consoles, Pokemon throw rugs, Funko Pop...like. you name it.

I married into a geeky family. they would think my figures and models are cool!

but part of me is like "we need to keep that hidden".
"we're going to be judged."
"we will be shamed for being who we are."

now y'all know me. I am so fucking out and proud about myself and my interests. I am p comfortable with myself and my wife helped me achieve that by giving me a place where I can feel safe doing that.

and I know which part it is that feels uncomf. it's Elle. the one who received corporal punishment from Egg for the most trivial of offences. who was made to feel ashamed of, well, everything and anything. she is the one going, in her small, soft voice, "everything must be confined to our room/our spaces."

if you ask Aleks his opinion on why we're like this he will point at Egg and let that speak for itself. everything that says "me" was to be more or less suppressed.

hell I feel weird sharing my interests with my wife (for fear of judgement) and that's so fucking stupid when you see how we met. but it's like. now that things have gone from online fandom fun times to IRL offline reality it's like a switch has flipped and we're not going "okay it's time to not do that anymore."

my entire life more or less just exists either in my head or online. when it comes to having an offline life...I am completely different. devoid of sharing interests for fear of being judged. even though I know I'm not being judged by anyone...except Egg. I'm no longer whatever the fuck child she had in her head in my place. and she doesn't know what to do with that. but that's not my problem, that's hers.

idk if any of this makes sense.