time to make an emergency trip to Rochester (like literally. we are on the road right now.)

okay so. the situation is dire but not like. she's not dying yet

they had to intubate her and put her in the ICU. they're trying to figure out this infection she has still. she's sedated because of the breathing tube and also to help with the infection which. it's a blood infection??? so things are dire and are life threatening but like she's down but not out yet

hospitals are triggering places for me and this month isn't a good month for me either and I ended up overstimulated by the sounds and the protective shit you have to wear to enter the room, plus I was hungry and needed caffeine, and right when we were leaving BIL called and like. she was talking to him and it started off as shit about Eileen but then went into family drama??? and like. I don't care. I need to get the fuck out of here

so I ended up having a meltdown because of all of these things and flashbacks and I like to hit my head on things when I'm like this and my wife was on the phone and trying to get me to like. at least not hurt myself during all of this. like emotionally? I am already done and then to see MIL like this threw me over the limit by a lot. but then like. the plastic covering and gloves were giving me textile issues from sweat and just. the noise. and the machines beeping added to that and I was hungry and I have literally had breakdowns because of needing to eat and needing caffeine and I was getting a migraine from not having either of those things and the phone call just wouldn't fucking end like this is not the time! to talk about this shit! but because we were still at hospital I didn't want to start screaming and shit because I didn't want them to like. admit me.

so then FINALLY she was off the phone with him and I just. lost all my shit. sobbing. sobbing

I couldn't even get up Serena had to help me and like I wasn't even able to switch.

called work to let them know what's going on so I don't have work until Tues at the earliest. Cynthia left notes and shit. waiting on a call from HR to find out about leave (if I can take some kind of family leave)

we're meeting BIL at the hospital today at some point in the evening

good news is I'll be in Wegmans country for a bit longer

updating this entry that no one is reading but am putting here to help with journaling later...
good news, Eileen doesn't need as much help to breathe anymore, she's still intubated but they've stopped or pulled back on most of the meds for it. The infection also seems to be getting better which is also good!

the bad news: there is absolutely no pulse in her left leg. so they're gonna end up amputating that one in the not so distant future. Mona is at the hospital right now visiting with her (Kathy I'm guessing took her) and like. we have to hope this doesn't cause enough of a shock to fucking kill her since she's 95. and the likelihood of her youngest child predeceasing her is climbing higher and higher and that happening might actually kill her

okay so update: she's awake but because of the breathing tube she can't talk. the drugs still aren't flushed out of her system (as of yday) so she wasn't very responsive which. whatever. she's still here which is good. things look hopeful tho

today we are visiting Mona because when shit really goes south the best thing to do is visit the matriarch

son of update
visited with Mona, we're having dinner with her tomorrow night!

MIL update is they took her off of the blood pressure med, they switched her to a different pain killer, she's still in the ICU but she seems a bit more awake (but still not "tracking")

update #4678: they've pretty much taken her off all the meds, not sure if she's still being intubated or if she's more or less breathing on her own (Geoff didn't mention it) but also...she is literally not getting better. not getting worse either but. her mental state isn't due to any medications it's just. that's how she is right now. doctors don't know if she will ever recover
but they also don't know that she won't recover. anyway there's really no point in us being here.
really we should've gone home Wednesday, I could've been working at least Friday and today
even if she does pass, we still have to go home because of the cats and also...Mother does depend on me for things like groceries

the good parts about this trip: spending time with the in-laws (who we stay with), getting to spend two days with Mona (including having dinner), having dinner with Christina and Fernando... Getting to see Geoff. but it's all because of the whole "Eileen might be dying" thing and since she's apparently not, we can go home Monday, Serena can return to work Tuesday, and I can return to work the 15th
and like. if she does end up dying...we might have to just wait until like. the day before the funeral to go up again