now we're off the rails, where do we go next?

[omaewokorosu]

I've been told that I seem like I'm "frozen in time" or "stuck in the late 90s/early 00s." All of my favourite things seem to originate from that time frame specifically. And I guess you could say that that makes sense because I was born in the early 90s, so my childhood was late 90s and early to mid 00s.

When you go through a lot of trauma when you're younger, you cling to the things that bring you comfort. For me that was books and manga, video games and TV shows, anime on Cartoon Network and Toonami and Kids WB (and even Fox Kids at one point). And some of these things bring more comfort than others.

I had to hit "pause" on being a kid and now as an adult in my 30s I can't exactly go back and have a redo, you know? I can rewatch things from when I was younger, but it's not that that innocent "lid lens". All of the shows I watched as a kid seem a little darker and a lot less innocent than they were. I watched G Gundam because oooh cool robots and also Domon is kinda hot and idk something something "power of friendship" (when it comes to the Shuffle Alliance, maybe lol) because that's why a 10 year old would watch something like that.

It's not about cool robots and the power of friendship though. G Gundam is actually a lot more fucked up than I could comprehend as a kid. I thought Domon was such a cool guy because he was an adult—he's 20. But really he's *barely an adult* and his life is fucked up and his family is fucked up and the world of Future Century is also incredibly fucked up and corrupt. He was basically blackmailed into fighting for Neo Japan because of the sins of his older brother and his father and also his government.

You can't unrealise this shit.

All of the really pivotal and important things in terms of "comfort" came into my life around the same time and that is why I end up revisiting that era and why I'm still kind of stuck in it.

The world's gone mad. Where do I go when everything seems to be dark and full of misery?

"Oh you're a typical Millennial, always clinging to nostalgia."

That is literally every generation. Every generation says, "When I was a kid, things were simpler and less dangerous." Things were just as difficult and just as dangerous but the news wasn't always on 24 hours a day and 7 days a week and you could unplug from the internet just by turning the PC off. We weren't connected 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. The awful news and events going on in the world weren't as pervasive as they are.

"Even if the world's gone mad...I'll continue to believe in myself and fight."

I've been asking myself since January... Now that the world's gone mad... What do I do? No one was prepared for all of history to repeat itself at once. There is a cacophony in the air as hundreds of waltzes go on at once and everyone's forgotten how to dance. We stand around in complete confusion.

What do I do now that the world's gone mad? Retreat into the arms of my favourite 30 year old anime series? Zone out to my favourite cosy game? Write angsty poetry that's better than something my 13 year old edgelord self could come up with?

Listen to Rammstein? Watch SpongeBob and zone out like I did every day of Lockdown on the phone with my then-girlfriend? Pretend that the world isn't breaking apart and falling apart and dying all around me? That planes aren't falling from the sky on fire?

Why is my life imitating the fanfics I write for my favourite 30 year old anime series? The main character dies at the end.

Should I do that third part of my meta series on Heero? Where I explain how and why he ends up dying at the end of that aforementioned fic series?

Maybe I'll just listen to Morticia purr on my lap. Feel more than hear because I have headphones on. She has a very strong purr that reminds me of Sadie's. She likes to settle on my leg and wedge herself between me and my keyboard tray. I don't know why, but she does. I guess she finds safety in it like how I used to find safety wedging myself underneath tables and inside of closets.