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Except for your basic emotions like happy, sad, angry, and disappointed, I don't really know what feelings are called.
This is what happens when you don't allow your kids to feel things and sit with their feelings!!! I have to play the "am I upset or am I angry or am I disappointed or am I some secret fouth thing I don't know the name of and have to do a google search for later?" game.
"But Karu, you're a writer. How do you not know these things?"
lmao do you think Heero was allowed to feel anything either??? he'd be googling "what's the name of the emotion where you feel anger but also sadness and upset and disappointment?" and have to figure out if it's bitterness or resentment or fucking...melancholy and then just sum up everything he's feeling with "it's like the feeling you get when you need to listen to all of Linkin Park's Meteora album on repeat for a few hours to feel okay with yourself."
(I myself am feeling very much like Numb off that album with a mix of Easier to Run and Somewhere I Belong.)
I wrote an ENTIRE THING in my journal right where I was like BOY
IT MUST BE NICE TO HAVE FAMILY
NOT JUST FAMILY WHO CARE
JUST. FAMILY. FULL STOP.
in typing this all up I am seeing parallels with the shit I'm writing rn for Integrating the Boy and the Soldier and going GOD FUCKING DAMMIT because we're gonna go with that guy pointing to a butterfly with his hand and going IS THIS PROJECTION? and I can assure you that no but also yes, because Heero is canonically fucked up like this, and we are fucked up in the same kind of ways, and that is why he is my fave character, and goddammit god-fucking-dammit I FEEL CALLED OUT AGAIN
(I also need to readjust my chair mat again.)
ANYWAY. I don't even feel like rehashing what I wrote in my journal like I don't feel like typing out what I wrote and hoping it makes sense because I ALREADY WROTE IT but basically
I was just. going over some things. not just about the feeling of longing you get when you see someone spend time with family and realise that your own family of origin fucking sucks. but how I've come to realise that I am actually an ambivert or I guess really an extroverted introvert? maybe? I don't know. I'm not a loner or an introvert by choice but by necessity because it was just easier to not have friends to hang out with and do things with than to be repeatedly told "no" to hanging out or doing things with friends I could've had but chose not to. that's probs why I latched on so hard to things like Sailor Moon and Pokemon because look! someone with friends! and they get to go on adventures! and save the world! and do things! and be normal preteens and teens!
I feel called out again because then I went "I feel like I'm 'othered' when it comes to people my own age and I made that comparison with Heero not relating to anyone his age in that one meta" and goddammit.
and the times I took it upon myself to hang out with people because I was involved in things like musical Egg thought I was weird for wanting to do so but then backtracked and said it was normal of me to go out and do things??? like people my age at the time (very late teens) ALWAYS went out and did shit I was the fucking weirdo who had to answer 598438543 questions.
I had an impromptu sleepover once where I slept over a friend's house after her graduation party and Egg fucking looked up her house phone so she could scream at me because my phone was dead and it seems like after that Carly stopped talking to me. I was 18 at the time but Egg I guess thought I was like 12 and also thought that Kearny was just so fucking dangerous and I'd ended up dead in some (non-existent) alleyway somewhere with a needle in my arm.
(Egg always seemed to jump to the conclusion that I would end up a prostitute who did tricks for drugs??? ...which might explain Aleks oh shi—)
Kearny isn't even that dangerous. Or it wasn't when I lived there. I was out all hours and yeah there'd be drunk people at the Exxon Mobil station but outside of that the place was deserted. I HAD NO FEAR IN KEARNY. She just didn't want me to leave the house ever again or be too far away from her because she literally ruined job opportunities for me because they were "too far"
and let's NOT FORGET that she
* ruined my engagement with Jay
* called me a gold digger
* said that I was only marrying Jay because then I wouldn't have to get a job or work
* said I was too young and stupid
* implied Jay was only marrying me to trap me into having babies???
Egg had never met Jay, who would've had me move in with her once she was done with college.
Or Jace.
Or Juni, who wanted me to move to Japan with her.
Or Nick, who wanted me in Chicago.
Or Daisuke who wanted me in Massachusetts.
Or JD, who wanted me elsewhere in NJ.
She'd only met Sam and Serena. And she sabotaged my relationship with Sam and tried to do the same with my wife. Sam wanted me to move to NY or PA and Egg didn't want either of those. And of course I wanted to move to the Southern Tier with my then-girlfriend-now-wife.
I was manipulated every. single. fucking. time so that Egg could CONTINUE TO USE ME. Financially especially I was her cash fucking cow and she didn't want me to leave so she made me believe because the gaslighting was that strong that I was completely incapable of living independently and I was a dumbass who fucking believed her. I believed the only way out was death. I was actively trying.
oh but Egg will tell you I was never depressed and I never had mental issues and I was never abused and I definitely can't have DID that's impossible because I was never abused or traumatised in any fashion.
if eggs weren't so fucking expensive I'd buy a dozen just to smash them into a wall and pretend it's her.
one thing I forgot to mention in my analog journal because I was too busy going "wtf is this emotion called?" is the fact that Egg forbade me to
* dye my hair
* legally change my name
* be out of the closet
* BE ME AND MYSELF
* buzz my hair
* get tattoos or "weird piercings" (that weren't all that weird)
"but Karu you dyed your hair for years" YEAH I KNOW
I won that argument because I am over 18 she cannot tell me what I can and can't do with my body I don't care if she fucking hates me with red hair
I have done all of these things except get tattoos or more piercings (like the ear piercings I want and I kind of want to get my septum pierced???) or legally change my name but that's a monetary issue more than a legal one at this point
tbf I did stop answering to my legal name because I don't consider that my name. None of it is. My name is Hikaru Yuy, you can call me Karu or Kay. If you don't want to use either of those you can piss right the fuck off I don't care who you are you are not SAFE.
like she honestly thought she had complete control over me even bodily lmao OH and every time I dated someone with a dick she would basically slut shame me?? like "don't come home pregnant or else this isn't your home anymore I'm not raising anyone's kids I did that already"
did you really, egg. because I don't think you did. raise any kids I mean. there is a reason why my surname is Yuy right it's because I was raised by my alter whose surname is...you guessed it! Yuy!
AND THEN SHE TREATED ME LIKE I WAS STUPID by being like "well he might lie about not wanting to use protection or say it doesn't work" AS IF I DIDN'T TAKE SEX ED WHERE THEY WENT OVER CONDOM USE and also as if I would let a guy come in me anyway ewww
jay was literally the only person i could see myself having kids with and obviously that didn't happen
like fuck stop projecting on me Egg go to therapy and actually, idk, spill the tea that is your issues instead of pretending that you're not a fucked up piece of shit scuzzball kthnx
FUCK.
Now that's some fucking rage unleashed and I didn't even need Linkin Park for it.
This is what happens when you don't allow your kids to feel things and sit with their feelings!!! I have to play the "am I upset or am I angry or am I disappointed or am I some secret fouth thing I don't know the name of and have to do a google search for later?" game.
"But Karu, you're a writer. How do you not know these things?"
lmao do you think Heero was allowed to feel anything either??? he'd be googling "what's the name of the emotion where you feel anger but also sadness and upset and disappointment?" and have to figure out if it's bitterness or resentment or fucking...melancholy and then just sum up everything he's feeling with "it's like the feeling you get when you need to listen to all of Linkin Park's Meteora album on repeat for a few hours to feel okay with yourself."
(I myself am feeling very much like Numb off that album with a mix of Easier to Run and Somewhere I Belong.)
I wrote an ENTIRE THING in my journal right where I was like BOY
IT MUST BE NICE TO HAVE FAMILY
NOT JUST FAMILY WHO CARE
JUST. FAMILY. FULL STOP.
in typing this all up I am seeing parallels with the shit I'm writing rn for Integrating the Boy and the Soldier and going GOD FUCKING DAMMIT because we're gonna go with that guy pointing to a butterfly with his hand and going IS THIS PROJECTION? and I can assure you that no but also yes, because Heero is canonically fucked up like this, and we are fucked up in the same kind of ways, and that is why he is my fave character, and goddammit god-fucking-dammit I FEEL CALLED OUT AGAIN
(I also need to readjust my chair mat again.)
ANYWAY. I don't even feel like rehashing what I wrote in my journal like I don't feel like typing out what I wrote and hoping it makes sense because I ALREADY WROTE IT but basically
I was just. going over some things. not just about the feeling of longing you get when you see someone spend time with family and realise that your own family of origin fucking sucks. but how I've come to realise that I am actually an ambivert or I guess really an extroverted introvert? maybe? I don't know. I'm not a loner or an introvert by choice but by necessity because it was just easier to not have friends to hang out with and do things with than to be repeatedly told "no" to hanging out or doing things with friends I could've had but chose not to. that's probs why I latched on so hard to things like Sailor Moon and Pokemon because look! someone with friends! and they get to go on adventures! and save the world! and do things! and be normal preteens and teens!
I feel called out again because then I went "I feel like I'm 'othered' when it comes to people my own age and I made that comparison with Heero not relating to anyone his age in that one meta" and goddammit.
and the times I took it upon myself to hang out with people because I was involved in things like musical Egg thought I was weird for wanting to do so but then backtracked and said it was normal of me to go out and do things??? like people my age at the time (very late teens) ALWAYS went out and did shit I was the fucking weirdo who had to answer 598438543 questions.
I had an impromptu sleepover once where I slept over a friend's house after her graduation party and Egg fucking looked up her house phone so she could scream at me because my phone was dead and it seems like after that Carly stopped talking to me. I was 18 at the time but Egg I guess thought I was like 12 and also thought that Kearny was just so fucking dangerous and I'd ended up dead in some (non-existent) alleyway somewhere with a needle in my arm.
(Egg always seemed to jump to the conclusion that I would end up a prostitute who did tricks for drugs??? ...which might explain Aleks oh shi—)
Kearny isn't even that dangerous. Or it wasn't when I lived there. I was out all hours and yeah there'd be drunk people at the Exxon Mobil station but outside of that the place was deserted. I HAD NO FEAR IN KEARNY. She just didn't want me to leave the house ever again or be too far away from her because she literally ruined job opportunities for me because they were "too far"
and let's NOT FORGET that she
* ruined my engagement with Jay
* called me a gold digger
* said that I was only marrying Jay because then I wouldn't have to get a job or work
* said I was too young and stupid
* implied Jay was only marrying me to trap me into having babies???
Egg had never met Jay, who would've had me move in with her once she was done with college.
Or Jace.
Or Juni, who wanted me to move to Japan with her.
Or Nick, who wanted me in Chicago.
Or Daisuke who wanted me in Massachusetts.
Or JD, who wanted me elsewhere in NJ.
She'd only met Sam and Serena. And she sabotaged my relationship with Sam and tried to do the same with my wife. Sam wanted me to move to NY or PA and Egg didn't want either of those. And of course I wanted to move to the Southern Tier with my then-girlfriend-now-wife.
I was manipulated every. single. fucking. time so that Egg could CONTINUE TO USE ME. Financially especially I was her cash fucking cow and she didn't want me to leave so she made me believe because the gaslighting was that strong that I was completely incapable of living independently and I was a dumbass who fucking believed her. I believed the only way out was death. I was actively trying.
oh but Egg will tell you I was never depressed and I never had mental issues and I was never abused and I definitely can't have DID that's impossible because I was never abused or traumatised in any fashion.
if eggs weren't so fucking expensive I'd buy a dozen just to smash them into a wall and pretend it's her.
one thing I forgot to mention in my analog journal because I was too busy going "wtf is this emotion called?" is the fact that Egg forbade me to
* dye my hair
* legally change my name
* be out of the closet
* BE ME AND MYSELF
* buzz my hair
* get tattoos or "weird piercings" (that weren't all that weird)
"but Karu you dyed your hair for years" YEAH I KNOW
I won that argument because I am over 18 she cannot tell me what I can and can't do with my body I don't care if she fucking hates me with red hair
I have done all of these things except get tattoos or more piercings (like the ear piercings I want and I kind of want to get my septum pierced???) or legally change my name but that's a monetary issue more than a legal one at this point
tbf I did stop answering to my legal name because I don't consider that my name. None of it is. My name is Hikaru Yuy, you can call me Karu or Kay. If you don't want to use either of those you can piss right the fuck off I don't care who you are you are not SAFE.
like she honestly thought she had complete control over me even bodily lmao OH and every time I dated someone with a dick she would basically slut shame me?? like "don't come home pregnant or else this isn't your home anymore I'm not raising anyone's kids I did that already"
did you really, egg. because I don't think you did. raise any kids I mean. there is a reason why my surname is Yuy right it's because I was raised by my alter whose surname is...you guessed it! Yuy!
AND THEN SHE TREATED ME LIKE I WAS STUPID by being like "well he might lie about not wanting to use protection or say it doesn't work" AS IF I DIDN'T TAKE SEX ED WHERE THEY WENT OVER CONDOM USE and also as if I would let a guy come in me anyway ewww
jay was literally the only person i could see myself having kids with and obviously that didn't happen
like fuck stop projecting on me Egg go to therapy and actually, idk, spill the tea that is your issues instead of pretending that you're not a fucked up piece of shit scuzzball kthnx
FUCK.
Now that's some fucking rage unleashed and I didn't even need Linkin Park for it.
