404: motivation not found
Apr. 28th, 2025 04:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omaewokorosuhello from my bed, the one i've only left periodically today for reasons like needing the bathroom or going downstairs to the kitchen to scrounge for food only to just grab a banana and reluctantly scarf it down. my back hurts so I have to type this on my Chromebook from some really weird angle and I doubt downward dog is good for my neck in this situation but it's all we have
I have things I want to do like write and exercise and maybe actually have food but I have a big fat zero for motivation to actually do anything. we have leftovers but I would have to figure out what to do with said leftovers and yes, I realise I am awful at remembering things like eating more than just one medium sized banana and two bars of chocolate.
I tried writing fic because I have ideas for things, you know, but after two sentences my inspiration and motivation both die at the same time and though I try to keep going, it doesn't work and just ends up being word vomit and though Heero would be the type to have moments of just vomiting letters onto a page, I doubt that would be most of his writing. Heero in a lot of aspects is a lot more concise than me. I want him to talk about all the death in his life but the words dry up faster than I can write them, the pool completely gone leaving cracks in the clay leftover.
maybe I need a change in how I express myself. I used to use all sorts of media for this, not just words but also pictures. I used to use paint. I used to do watercolour. I wrote music composed on the keys of my piano where I would write down all the notes and the octaves before writing it on staff paper. and then tweak it and tweak it. I used to do collage but I left most of my magazine clippings behind because I didn't feel they were necessary. I can print pictures off the internet if I really want to.
grief sucks.
my wife's workplace knows nothing and I prefer it that way. I don't need her to tell me, "Alice and Susan wanted me to tell you they're sorry for your loss" and I don't know how to accurately describe how something like that makes me feel because did I really even lose anything? Is it a loss if I never had it? My mother died but I never had a mother, this archetypal figure who cradles babies to her bosom and sings sweet lullabies when you're a baby and is always there for comfort no matter how old you get is not what I was given.
one comment I read described losing your parents as a "rite of passage" that happens when you're older. define "older". I was 10 when I lost my father and 32 when I lost my mother. Is that "older"? Most people are in their 50s and 60s with both parents still. Is this something I'm supposed to check off Life's Checklist? Like how I was supposed to be married before 25 and have a house by 30?
another waxed poetic about how losing a mother is such an awful thing and mothers are a blessing and I have to resist the urge to laugh and say, "You've never met mine."
the assumption is that every mother is a good one.
the assumption is that I was just a bad kid somehow.
"I bet you miss her." No, I don't.
"I bet you regret not re-establishing contact with her." No, I don't.
Even if I did and even if I wanted to...what would that even accomplish?
I have things I want to do like write and exercise and maybe actually have food but I have a big fat zero for motivation to actually do anything. we have leftovers but I would have to figure out what to do with said leftovers and yes, I realise I am awful at remembering things like eating more than just one medium sized banana and two bars of chocolate.
I tried writing fic because I have ideas for things, you know, but after two sentences my inspiration and motivation both die at the same time and though I try to keep going, it doesn't work and just ends up being word vomit and though Heero would be the type to have moments of just vomiting letters onto a page, I doubt that would be most of his writing. Heero in a lot of aspects is a lot more concise than me. I want him to talk about all the death in his life but the words dry up faster than I can write them, the pool completely gone leaving cracks in the clay leftover.
maybe I need a change in how I express myself. I used to use all sorts of media for this, not just words but also pictures. I used to use paint. I used to do watercolour. I wrote music composed on the keys of my piano where I would write down all the notes and the octaves before writing it on staff paper. and then tweak it and tweak it. I used to do collage but I left most of my magazine clippings behind because I didn't feel they were necessary. I can print pictures off the internet if I really want to.
grief sucks.
my wife's workplace knows nothing and I prefer it that way. I don't need her to tell me, "Alice and Susan wanted me to tell you they're sorry for your loss" and I don't know how to accurately describe how something like that makes me feel because did I really even lose anything? Is it a loss if I never had it? My mother died but I never had a mother, this archetypal figure who cradles babies to her bosom and sings sweet lullabies when you're a baby and is always there for comfort no matter how old you get is not what I was given.
one comment I read described losing your parents as a "rite of passage" that happens when you're older. define "older". I was 10 when I lost my father and 32 when I lost my mother. Is that "older"? Most people are in their 50s and 60s with both parents still. Is this something I'm supposed to check off Life's Checklist? Like how I was supposed to be married before 25 and have a house by 30?
another waxed poetic about how losing a mother is such an awful thing and mothers are a blessing and I have to resist the urge to laugh and say, "You've never met mine."
the assumption is that every mother is a good one.
the assumption is that I was just a bad kid somehow.
"I bet you miss her." No, I don't.
"I bet you regret not re-establishing contact with her." No, I don't.
Even if I did and even if I wanted to...what would that even accomplish?
