i feel kind of unhinged to say the least.

Going through old LJ entries I clicked a link leading to an old friend's deviantArt account and she's...been using it. Or had been using it up until I guess 2021?

I decided to shoot her a message on devArt because why the fuck not. At this point in my life, where you never know if this hour is your last, life is too short to wonder, "Should I do the thing?" What's the worst thing to happen, I get no response? Or I get a response that's more or less, "wtf don't talk to me ever again you weirdo"?

Anyway, this is the message I sent:

Hey, it's been a while. A long, long while. I don't even know when the last time we talked was but it was...some time ago in practically another lifetime. It's funny how life works sometimes. Someone pops up in your head and you end up wondering, "I wonder how they're doing?"

We were once best friends and unfortunately lost contact over the years. I moved a bunch and you probably have too since we last talked. I changed computers and AIM shut down (rip) so if I didn't have alternate means of contacting the people in my buddy list, I fell out of touch. I don't even know if this account of yours is active anymore, if you still check it or get notified for things here.

It's okay if this just goes out into the void that is the world wide web. At least I can say I tried, right? It's also okay if you do receive it and you don't want to write me back. You and I have undoubtedly changed since we last spoke in what, 2005? 2006? 19-20 years ago? We're two completely different people compared to how we both were back then.

If you want to catch up that's cool. My email is still the same (roysmyboy217 at gmail) if you wanna do it that way.

If you don't, that's okay too. The ball is in your court. Maybe you think I'm a weirdo for saying something after all this time. If that's the case, I hope you're doing alright and that life's been okay for you.

—Evu

(Remember the nicknames we had for each other? You called me Evu and I called you Bigu.)

We're both in our 30s now like we've had time to grow and mature and change, you know?

full disclosure I am not expecting to hear ANYTHING I will be completely shocked if I do! this is literally the only way I can contact her, I don't have an email or anything like that anymore sooooooo.

Did she do awful shit to me when I was a kid? Yeah. Yeah, she did. There is no excuse for what she did or the things that she'd said. But like. I understand things better now than I ever did back then. It all came from a place of hurt and a fucked up family dynamic and I get that. Having a fucked up parent completely wrecks a person.

I don't know what I'm expecting. Nothing, I guess.

When I feel compelled to do things in this way I see it as the universe saying that I should act on it. Any time I have it's worked out (got married, rescued Bitty, reached out to my brother, ended up with our two Tinys, moved to Elmira, etc). So. idk.