I don't know why I'm even shocked at the medical negligence, I was gaslit for years about everything

[omaewokorosu]

BEFORE I LAUNCH into the meat of this entry and explain what the subject title means, I just wanted to let everyone know that I wrote, for the first time in a million years, a Fire Emblem 7 fic.

Even though it's technically a rewrite of a fic I did back in 2009.

juxtaposition is an Eleanora/Marcus fic and unlike other rewrites I've done, I did not change the title (I changed the casing of the letters though). Why? Because the original title was fine and didn't need to be switched to something else.

Will there be more FE7 fic rewrites? Maybe. I do have like two other Eleanora/Marcus fics that kind of got me thinking of rewriting those, but I don't know if I'll actually do it. Maybe eventually?

Anyway... Onto the actual subject of the entry...



In this entry I'd made on 10 May about my now chronic physical medical issues because my female parental unit couldn't be assed to, I dunno, actually parent, it makes me want to speak more about the other medical neglect and outright gaslighting I've had over the years. What kind of medical neglect?

Her denial of my other health issues...like chronic fatigue (which can be caused by a whole slew of things including viruses and chronic exposure to abuse especially narcissistic abuse). Clearly I'm just "lazy" or I don't feel like getting out of bed. If only that were the case. I can't drive for long periods of time and it probably will over time be shorter and shorter amounts of time because I also have chronic pain problems (that can also be caused by abuse). She saw it as nothing but excuses to not be her taxi driver. My wife will tell you just how winded I can get after doing not much of anything, really. The amount of things I've had to purchase to better accommodate myself (special pillows, braces for different limbs, I'll need a cane at some point, etc) and will have to purchase eventually...

I'm only in my 30s, Egg always said. I shouldn't have these issues because I'm so young. As if disability gives a fuck about how old someone is. Anyone at any age can end up with a disability at a moment's notice. If it were her, she would (maybe) care. But because it's me, the child she allegedly wanted so much, she couldn't give a fuck.

What else did Egg not give a sunny side up fuck about when it came to me?

My mental health, of course. Mental illness and mental disorders was a four letter word and not something to be even whispered about. And I guess, unluckily for her, psychology—especially abnormal psychology and things like personality disorders—ended up being one of my special interests because, well, if you don't want to get me the help I sorely need, I guess I have to figure it out myself. By reading books written by experts that Egg couldn't wrap her mind around but I had zero problem understanding.

It wasn't even just "mundane" things like depression and anxiety. I'm talking some pretty serious fucking shit.

Like "dissociative disorders" serious. "Dissociative identity disorder (DID)" serious. Which...I've met a lot of narcissistic abuse survivors who also have DID.

Maybe she thought having other personality states in your head was completely normal. I don't know. More than likely she just thought I was making shit up. Like yes, Brenda, I am 1000% faking having a serious mental disorder for funsies. What would be my gain there anyway? What would I be getting out of it? Why would I go out of my way to pretend to have this? Oh, do you think I'm acting? I'm playing a role? Just making shit up for funsies?

"Well how do you even know there's something wrong?"
Well I dunno...last I checked I am (one of the personalities) inhabiting this body. I would like to think I know what's going on with it...

She never wanted to know about any of the disorders. Only when they pertained to her. So of course when she was diagnosed with bipolar II mixed type she wanted to know all about it. I bought her books. I don't know if she's read them and if she has I don't know if she fully understood them. But if I were diagnosed with that, she wouldn't have bought books and attempted to understand. She never asked questions. I gave her a book to read meant for people who have a loved one with DID and she barely read the first chapter before giving it back to me and saying she couldn't be bothered to read further.

This could've been a moment for us to have a discussion about me having DID. But why would she want a discussion when, the moment she'd learned it was caused by abuse, she didn't want to know anything further?

The passage in the blockquote was written by Aleks, who has a very vivid recollection of this event.

Let us head back in time...to the apartment in Pompton Lakes, NJ. I wish I could recall the date or time of year or even what year it was, but I don't have that information; it was quite sunny and cloudless, however, and warm—maybe mid-spring or early summer? We were sitting in the living room, with Egg in her chair, the same one she brought up from Kearny that I'd always found ugly and uncomfortable, and us on the matching, equally ugly and uncomfortable sofa. Off to the side but still within reach was a fold-out tray often used for Karu's journaling or crafting projects (or their gunpla), or for food if we were eating out in the living space.

As per usual, Egg was watching her TV, a 20" Emerson CRT set also brought up from Kearny, that was considered "old" by the standards of back then, and would be considered "ancient" by the standards of now; on it was an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit playing on USA Network, where one of the major characters for the episode was someone with DID. It was causing problems with the investigation and the trial because the character's alters were the ones causing problems and the main personality, the "host", was completely unaware there were other personality states.

"Oh, an episode about something I have! And it's portrayed in an okay way."
DID is rarely portrayed well in media so it was refreshing to see it done in a passably okay manner.
"What's that?" Egg asked. She didn't sound like she was actually that interested in knowing.
Karu, in a slightly excited manner, replied, "What's what, DID? It's called dissociative identity disorder, and it's when you have multiple personality states—it used to be called 'multiple personality disorder' for that reason." They leaned forward, resting their elbows on their knees. It was hard to see the TV screen because of how small and far away it was. How Egg, who was seated further away from it, could make anything out, I don't know.

"How do you get...that? That disorder?" Egg tried sounding a little more interested, but not by much.
We recalled all of the abuse over the years from various so-called friends and people we otherwise trusted, starting in very early childhood.
In a voice neutral as could be, very matter-of-fact, Karu said, "From being abused—"
Egg's head snapped over to look at us, shock on her face. "Well I never abused you!" she said, almost accusatorily.

"Hm." Something didn't feel right to me, and Karu could tell from the tone my inner voice took.
"No one was accusing you of it," Karu said. I moved closer to the front, but still remained co-conscious.
"That's a confession if I've ever heard one," I said. "No one replies that quick with a denial unless they have a guilty conscience." 
"Yeah..."
"Have something to share with the class?"

"No one said you did anything," Karu replied aloud. "I was talking about—" They listed off different people who treated Karu abusively in the past.
"Oh," she said, in a much calmer, less emotionally heightened tone. "Well you weren't—you didn't suffer any abuse."

"So then explain to me how the hell I'm here," I practically growled, knowing that she couldn't hear me. "What was all of the shit Karu listed then? Misunderstandings?"
"She's accusing me of making shit up."
"Why would you even lie?" I was getting annoyed, not with Karu but with this sad excuse of a human being.

"How do you know that you have that anyway? I don't think you have that."

"Oh, so you're an expert now?" I practically scoffed. "Where's your medical degree?"

"I have...a professional diagnosis? Do you not remember when I was forced to go to that psychiatrist?"
"Oh," she said flatly, before asking for further explanation, which Karu gave to the best of their ability.
"So...maybe that explains why sometimes you seem different, like a whole other person."
Bingo! Maybe you do actually understand.

(Spoilers: If she does, she doesn't care.)

"'Cause sometimes you're really...off. Like really depressed or angry for no reason, and you won't talk to me about it. And then you'll go back to your usual self."
"Yeah," Karu said. "That's one of my alters."
Karu didn't mention me by name, but I knew they were talking about me.
"You've interacted with them without knowing it," Karu continued. "You can even meet them, if you wanted to. But yeah, it comes from experiencing trauma, like extreme trauma."

Egg never once expressed interest in wanting to meet any of us, and continued on like nothing happened.

Thank you for that, Aleks.

In the years since Egg's liked to talk about how sometimes I just didn't seem like myself. I was always "too moody" or "too depressed" or even outright "angry"...and then I would go back to being "normal". She liked to mention this during the times when things were ramping up and things were worsening between us.

We were "moody" or "angry" if it was Aleks fronting, and it was only because of his neutrality and facial expressions that she considered him "moody" or "angry".
When we were "normal" or "cheerful", it was Duo fronting.
Neutral or okay? Sebastian.
I fronted less and less around her. No, after a while Aleks, Duo, and Sebastian stopped giving a shit about masking as me, and let themselves be, well, themselves. And she didn't say anything...unless she was crying to Rob about how we were saying awful things and admitting, "It's like it's not even the same person. I can't believe this is the same person."

lol. lmao. Depending on the day/week it was the same person, just not who you thought it was. None of us write the same, and we all write like we talk.

Hell, none of us even present the same way IRL in terms of like, physical mannerisms. My wife can tell when Aleks is fronting without him even opening his fucking mouth lmao.

But no, according to Egg I've never been abused, I've never tried to kill myself, I've got no medical issues, I'm just lazy and don't give a shit and am just making it all up for attention because everyone self harms and whatever the fuck else she ended up learning and crying crocodile tears over.

Over the years she's repeatedly denied being abusive, all in situations where she was never once accused of it, always when it was us talking about someone else. And then conveniently forget that I was even abused by the people I was talking about. Bitch just fucking loved gaslighting the shit out of me, because in her mind, in her fucked up version of reality, I was supposed to be this perfect doll she could easily manipulate the minute she pulled the different strings. Not realising, ofc, that the strings were slipping and slipping and slipping until oops! That one's disconnected.

I am not the perfect child. The perfect person. Even the perfect human. Sorry to disappoint! It's part of, you know, what makes me human.

oh nooooo.

If only she'd actually taken interest in me growing up. If only she's actually paid attention to me growing up. Because it was all right in front of her, out in the fucking open, plain as day. It was in the music I listened to, the shows I watched and ended up obsessing over, the characters I loved and admired, the stories I wrote...

But she never once cared. Never once asked questions about the things I liked and why I liked them. She never sat down to watch any of the things I wanted to watch with me, it was always what she wanted to watch. Always, always, always about her. The complete opposite of my dad, who was always asking me questions, always wanting me to explain things, always wanted to watch things with me and enjoy them with me and spend time with me.

I would've loved for Egg to have asked me why my favourite character is my favourite character. Why is Heero your fave?

Because he's fucked up, he's fucking traumatised, he's been fucking abused, he's been lost with no sense of identity for as long as he can remember, always using the names of someone else given to him temporarily by someone he barely knows. And despite all of his bullshit, his trauma, his fucked up messed up life, every time he could've given up and called it quits, he opted not to. It takes strength, an ungodly amount, to keep going when all you want to do is fucking die, when it's so easy, almost too easy to give up and slip away...he stayed.

He stayed.

He said we wouldn't die.

If that isn't inspirational, if that isn't worthy of being my absolute ultimate favourite fucking character, I don't know who is.

That is the reason why my brain decided, "We need this, we need a personality just like this in order to survive and make it through." Aleks is that personality and is the reason why I am still here and able to write out this fucking angry DW entry instead of, idk, in a hole in the ground somewhere, or learning how to tie different knots, or out there on the streets with no purpose staring into the fucking void.

But according to Egg Aleks doesn't fucking exist.

Well. Guess what, Egg? Guess what?

You don't exist anymore, do you?

But Aleks still does.

In the words of my favourite alter, "You can go die mad about it, Egg. I'm not going anywhere."