Hikaru Yuy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
omaewokorosu) wrote2025-05-07 03:08 pm
omaewokorosu) wrote2025-05-07 03:08 pm
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I am once again going through my old Livejournal entries.
Back then I didn't do paper journaling—I started that in 2011 and even then was sporadic about it until I guess 2013. Now I more or less do both because it's easier for me to type than handwrite (my hands are garbage).
I'm almost done with going through 2007. Did you know that was 18 years ago? Do the maths yourself if you think I'm full of shit. Anyway, as I keep reading, there are a few questions that keep popping up in my head as I read through different entries in...November. November 2007.
A lifetime ago, it feels like. Sometimes you need that distance in order to see certain things.
The questions:
"Why does your mother keep coming to you for advice on parenting?"
"Why is she treating you like you're a co-parent?"
"Why is she telling you all her problems and regrets and so forth in life like you're her therapist?"
"You're 15 and she wants 'advice' on how to be a parent to your 23 year old brother. Should she kick him out? Why is that up to you—she's the parent!"
"Why does she keep barging into your bedroom?"
"Why does she keep barging into your bedroom for the purpose of—" *checks notes* "—venting about things that are not and should never be your problem as her FIFTEEN YEAR OLD KID?"
There are more, but I don't want this to hit FB's character limit. I could fill an entire book with these questions.
My 15 year old self wrote in one entry, "Yeah, depression's probably doing all the talking. But if you had to live with my mother, you'd feel like shit, too."
I ask them, "What was she doing?" The entry continues.
"Talking about the past and how she fucked up and then she gets all weepy and I don't want to fucking hear it but I have to for some reason she deems acceptable."
Who the fuck would deem that acceptable behaviour? No one right in the head! There are lines that a parent should never cross when talking with their kids and treating them like some glorified, unqualified, not getting paid therapist is ONE OF THOSE LINES that you should never cross as a parent. A 15 year old can barely emotionally regulate their own emotions and you want them to also regulate yours?
I wish I could hop in a time machine and take my 15 year old self to a much better place. We have cats, we have plushies and stuffies, we have video games and anime... It's a safe, cute house with lots of sunshine. And there's pictures in pretty much every room of our lord and saviour Heero Yuy.
You can be who you want to be here, 15 year old me.
I know in later entries when we're 16 or 17 my younger self goes on about how Egg won't listen to them when they say "you need to get some fucking help mentally because I can't deal with this shit anymore!" Because she won't listen. "There's nothing wrong."
Ah. So. It's like the alcoholic saying they don't have a drinking problem, they just like to drink in excess all the time and also in the morning before work and also on the way out the door to come home. And then a night cap. You know. Why not?
Been there, done that, earned the t-shirt and lit a cigarette off it.
This will be the point where I take my younger self by their shoulders and tell them, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Sometimes you have to leave them so you can get a drink for yourself. It's better they die of thirst from their own stubbornness than you standing there with them dying too."
You can't help someone who doesn't want it. It doesn't matter how much love you show them, how solid your reasoning is, how many resources you direct them to... If they don't see a problem, they're not going to get help for it. *Let them go.* You put the oxygen mask on yourself when a plane is going through extreme turbulence before helping others, right? Stop fighting to put the mask on someone who doesn't want it and put it on your own face.
I can't go back and help you. I can't even go back and hold you and tell you that no, you're not worthless and no you're not a burden. Your depression is lying to you. But together we can learn these lessons, right? And we can share those lessons with others so that they don't have to go through what you did.
And the part or parts that hold all of that trauma get to have the biggest exhale of their lives as they finally let go. Of the anger, of the sadness, of the trauma, of all the tears they had to hold back from crying, of the resentment. All of it.
No one ever said that healing was easy and I'd be lying if I said it was remotely enjoyable but I feel like I owe it to myself to do the hard work so that the rest of my life, whatever amount is left, isn't a miserable existence.
Someone once told me, "The only way to live a good life is by living through your emotions."
Easier said than done, of course. But doable.
Back then I didn't do paper journaling—I started that in 2011 and even then was sporadic about it until I guess 2013. Now I more or less do both because it's easier for me to type than handwrite (my hands are garbage).
I'm almost done with going through 2007. Did you know that was 18 years ago? Do the maths yourself if you think I'm full of shit. Anyway, as I keep reading, there are a few questions that keep popping up in my head as I read through different entries in...November. November 2007.
A lifetime ago, it feels like. Sometimes you need that distance in order to see certain things.
The questions:
"Why does your mother keep coming to you for advice on parenting?"
"Why is she treating you like you're a co-parent?"
"Why is she telling you all her problems and regrets and so forth in life like you're her therapist?"
"You're 15 and she wants 'advice' on how to be a parent to your 23 year old brother. Should she kick him out? Why is that up to you—she's the parent!"
"Why does she keep barging into your bedroom?"
"Why does she keep barging into your bedroom for the purpose of—" *checks notes* "—venting about things that are not and should never be your problem as her FIFTEEN YEAR OLD KID?"
There are more, but I don't want this to hit FB's character limit. I could fill an entire book with these questions.
My 15 year old self wrote in one entry, "Yeah, depression's probably doing all the talking. But if you had to live with my mother, you'd feel like shit, too."
I ask them, "What was she doing?" The entry continues.
"Talking about the past and how she fucked up and then she gets all weepy and I don't want to fucking hear it but I have to for some reason she deems acceptable."
Who the fuck would deem that acceptable behaviour? No one right in the head! There are lines that a parent should never cross when talking with their kids and treating them like some glorified, unqualified, not getting paid therapist is ONE OF THOSE LINES that you should never cross as a parent. A 15 year old can barely emotionally regulate their own emotions and you want them to also regulate yours?
I wish I could hop in a time machine and take my 15 year old self to a much better place. We have cats, we have plushies and stuffies, we have video games and anime... It's a safe, cute house with lots of sunshine. And there's pictures in pretty much every room of our lord and saviour Heero Yuy.
You can be who you want to be here, 15 year old me.
I know in later entries when we're 16 or 17 my younger self goes on about how Egg won't listen to them when they say "you need to get some fucking help mentally because I can't deal with this shit anymore!" Because she won't listen. "There's nothing wrong."
Ah. So. It's like the alcoholic saying they don't have a drinking problem, they just like to drink in excess all the time and also in the morning before work and also on the way out the door to come home. And then a night cap. You know. Why not?
Been there, done that, earned the t-shirt and lit a cigarette off it.
This will be the point where I take my younger self by their shoulders and tell them, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Sometimes you have to leave them so you can get a drink for yourself. It's better they die of thirst from their own stubbornness than you standing there with them dying too."
You can't help someone who doesn't want it. It doesn't matter how much love you show them, how solid your reasoning is, how many resources you direct them to... If they don't see a problem, they're not going to get help for it. *Let them go.* You put the oxygen mask on yourself when a plane is going through extreme turbulence before helping others, right? Stop fighting to put the mask on someone who doesn't want it and put it on your own face.
I can't go back and help you. I can't even go back and hold you and tell you that no, you're not worthless and no you're not a burden. Your depression is lying to you. But together we can learn these lessons, right? And we can share those lessons with others so that they don't have to go through what you did.
And the part or parts that hold all of that trauma get to have the biggest exhale of their lives as they finally let go. Of the anger, of the sadness, of the trauma, of all the tears they had to hold back from crying, of the resentment. All of it.
No one ever said that healing was easy and I'd be lying if I said it was remotely enjoyable but I feel like I owe it to myself to do the hard work so that the rest of my life, whatever amount is left, isn't a miserable existence.
Someone once told me, "The only way to live a good life is by living through your emotions."
Easier said than done, of course. But doable.