Hikaru Yuy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
omaewokorosu) wrote2025-04-09 11:52 pm
omaewokorosu) wrote2025-04-09 11:52 pm
Entry tags:
what's life been like since going no contact (NC)
it's been 115 days 3 hours and 21 minutes (as of me beginning to type this) since I've gone no contact with Egg. That was the last time I spoke to her and that was the last time I saw her. it's been strange and it's been kind of messy, especially lately. like today is my nan's birthday, and I highly doubt that Egg cares even though it's her own mother.
my body is a joke at the best of times and a horrific punchline at the worst. it likes to betray me at every turn. my mind is much the same. I could be fine one minute and not the next and I won't know until it happens. most days I'm able to leave the bedroom and be productive on the computer and spend time with Tish on my lap and then there are days like today where I can leave bed in small spurts but then have to retreat because everything hurts too much and I'm too tired to do much. sometimes I forget to eat. sometimes I don't bother eating because I'm too tired and the only one responsible for me and feeding me is me and some days I'm just not motivated enough to care if this vessel is fed and watered.
though if anything i'll at least end up watered because I always have water by my bed.
there are going to be days where I want to disappear for a while or for good because i'm always going to be low-key suicidal and if you've seen the kind of life I've lived up until six months ago you would feel the same way. I trawl support subreddits and watch YouTube videos and Facebook Reels on narcissism where people who understand what this is all like can gather to commiserate. I feel like sometimes I focus on it too much. so I try not to. I try to visit those places less.
i've been writing fic. melee academy. integrating the soldier and the boy. whatever. I don't post most of my GW fanfiction because what is the point. it's harder and harder to even write Heero anymore and it's not that I don't have the passion for the character, because I do. and it's not that I've forgotten how to write him, because I haven't. I need to do canon review. I keep putting it off. I keep avoiding it. I have to be in the right headspace for it and I'm not, unfortunately.
115 days is a long time...
my body is a joke at the best of times and a horrific punchline at the worst. it likes to betray me at every turn. my mind is much the same. I could be fine one minute and not the next and I won't know until it happens. most days I'm able to leave the bedroom and be productive on the computer and spend time with Tish on my lap and then there are days like today where I can leave bed in small spurts but then have to retreat because everything hurts too much and I'm too tired to do much. sometimes I forget to eat. sometimes I don't bother eating because I'm too tired and the only one responsible for me and feeding me is me and some days I'm just not motivated enough to care if this vessel is fed and watered.
though if anything i'll at least end up watered because I always have water by my bed.
there are going to be days where I want to disappear for a while or for good because i'm always going to be low-key suicidal and if you've seen the kind of life I've lived up until six months ago you would feel the same way. I trawl support subreddits and watch YouTube videos and Facebook Reels on narcissism where people who understand what this is all like can gather to commiserate. I feel like sometimes I focus on it too much. so I try not to. I try to visit those places less.
i've been writing fic. melee academy. integrating the soldier and the boy. whatever. I don't post most of my GW fanfiction because what is the point. it's harder and harder to even write Heero anymore and it's not that I don't have the passion for the character, because I do. and it's not that I've forgotten how to write him, because I haven't. I need to do canon review. I keep putting it off. I keep avoiding it. I have to be in the right headspace for it and I'm not, unfortunately.
115 days is a long time...